My Year Without Carolla

And now for something completely different...

2011-11-29T14:38:00.003-06:00

Today's installment has nothing to do with baby E or the Aceman. You're welcome. Instead I wanted to write about my personal fitness journey, if for no other reason than to give my 5 readers a permission to ask if I'm still working out so I don't get fat again.
In July 2010, I reached my heaviest weight ever. 310 pounds. It hurts to just type that number. I had simply fallen into awful eating habits and neglected exercise. I decided (or was inspired by my brother) to get back in shape. It started with simply trying to get through a 30 minute weight workout and swimming a few times/week. The weight started to disappear, but when you're 310, you have a long way to do. I gradually started doing more intense workouts and running. At first running 1 mile was all I could do. Slowly but surely I was able to add miles, just like I was adding weight to my lifts. I focused on doing the lifts I had always avoided, like squats, deadlifts and pull ups.
In addition to exercising, I committed myself to eating better and cutting out all the needless things I was eating. Eating right has certainly been a challenge, but the results are worth the sacrifice. As of today, I am down 90 pounds and can wear the same size pants as I did in high school. It's been a long journey, but it's changed my life. I wanted to make sure that I was there for baby E when she grows up. I cannot think of a better reason to get healthy.

All this is leading up to my decision to run a marathon in April. I am not sure why I want to do this because it seems like a terrible thing to do but I feel compelled. Plus, I figure that I am one more twisted ankle from being completely betrayed by my body and unable to do it. I will keep you all updated on my training and progress. It should be interesting.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Adventures in having a baby; Part 5/5

2011-10-19T11:19:00.005-05:00

I am sure you are all very anxious for the 5th and final post about the adventures of being a new dad. If you missed the first 4 posts, as insane as that seems, make sure you read those first, or this will make even less sense.

Having a baby is certainly the best thing that has ever happened to me, but someone really needs to write a book about all the stuff that goes on that no one tells you about. The first chapter would deal exclusively with how every parent should just pin a burp cloth to their shirt, because by the time you realize you need it, the baby has ruined your shirt. I think all of my shirts now have spit up stains on the right shoulder.

I would also include a chapter on made up games that my baby loves. The newest game we play is called Earthquake and it involves me laying her on my bed, then gently shaking the bed. She goes crazy for it. I even give her some aftershocks to increase the realism. I highly recommend playing a game with an infant as soon as possible.

Alright, enough about my baby. I'm sure 4 long posts, plus this one is more than you want to read.

Some random thoughts I've had while at the dentist:
1. I was being given the gas during my procedure and could hear the radio. I could recognize the beats of the songs, songs I've heard before, but I couldn't understand any of the lyrics. It was almost like the radio was just a bit off and fuzzy, except it wasn't. I started making up my own lyrics and laughing. My dentist was very confused and must think I'm a lunatic.
2. The gas gave me the strange sensation that my tooth was somehow outside of my body and huge. As if we, the dentist and myself, were standing on top of it as he was working. The thought of having such enormous teeth caused a momentary freak out and required a 3 minute inner monologue about how such large teeth would be impossible.

Until next time, Mahalo!

New Certain Dri commercial

2011-07-29T13:56:00.003-05:00

I am really excited today for a couple reasons. First, my daughter is only days away from her big debut. More importantly, I finally saw the new Certain Dri commercial in its entirety. I still cannot find a video of it and you can rest assured that I will post it as soon as I do.
The set up for the newest commercial features another attractive blonde talking to the camera about her sweating problems. But lucky for her, she's dating a doctor (shocker) and he suggested she use Certain Dri. Then our buddy, the profusely sweaty doc, comes on camera and puts his arm around her. And scene.
From my summary, you can obviously tell it's a pretty magical commercial. A couple of thoughts:
1. What's up with sweaty doc always being with sweaty girls? Does he have some crazy fetish for profuse sweating?
2. Why is blonde girl so excited about dating the sweaty doc, when we all know he's a sexual deviant based upon the last commercial?
3. Finally, why would sweaty doc think it's a good plan to put his arm (which we all know contains uncontrollable sweat glands) around this girl's neck. He's just playing with fire, consequences be damned.

My ultimate goal in life is to have a lunch with the actor who plays sweaty doc and the twin brunettes from Saved by the Bell that were always randomly in the background but only spoke 2 times. That would be a meal for the ages.

Until next time...

Birthing classes...

2011-07-12T13:31:00.003-05:00

It's been awhile. But unlike the other occasions when I don't write, this time I have a good reason. You see, I've now been to birthing classes and my life will never be the same.

The first class we had was a 3 hour course on breastfeeding. I wasn't really worried about the breastfeeding class since it seemed to be the least dangerous class in the mix. However, at dinner with friends who had just taken the class, I learned that a featured section of the course was talk of inverted nipples. I couldn't stop laughing about it and coming up with embarrassing questions to ask the instructor.

"So, hypothetically, if my wife, we'll call her 'Messica' had inverted nipples, what could I do to un-invert them? Would ice cubes help?" (Then I would look over at Jess and say "don't worry, no one will ever know that is about you," in a voice that can be heard across the room and wink).

I figured that my stupid hypotheticals would be enough to prepare me for the nipple type discussion, but I was wrong. No one told me that each couple would be given stuffed breasts as exemplars. Not only that, but the stuffed breasts had strings in the back that you could pull to simulate the various types of nipples. Well friends, that pushed me over the top. I started laughing and there was no hope of stopping. I had to look down, try to hold my breath and hang on for dear life so my laughter didn't lead to me getting kicked out of the house. I managed to stifle the laughs. Frankly I was really disappointed in the rest of the guys in the class for not laughing with me. What a bunch of punks.

I knew going in that the birth class was going to be terrible and was preparing myself. What I didn't know was that the video of the birth was taken at a natural birthing center. All the sudden, crazy water births, squatting births and hippie chicks with untamed private areas were all in play. And that is exactly what I had the joy of witnessing. Thankfully the video was short, but not short enough for my taste since I still had to see a weird lady touching her baby's head while the child was still in the birth canal.

I am just a few weeks away from experiencing the birth of my child. I am really just ready to meet her at this point. But I will still wait for her to be fully on the outside before I touch her head.

Until next time, Mahalo.

An Actual Hint

2011-06-07T15:14:00.002-05:00

Today is your lucky day. As I type this, I am listening to a song with my daughter's name in it. If you can make it to my office in the next 4 minutes, you'll know. Good luck.

But really, if you even read this blog in the next 4 minutes you have bigger problems.

Stay tuned for stories from my experience with breastfeeding classes. It was awkward. Mahalo!

Oh Happy Day!

2011-05-31T10:27:00.005-05:00

Oh holy crap. There is a new Certain Dri commercial. I saw it this morning, but cannot find it online. Fear not, I will spend the rest of the day searching for it. I can tell you that it again features our favorite sweaty doc who can only overcome his sweat by prescription deodorant and a blonde scutteze that is all to delighted to talk about her gross sweating problems. I cannot confirm if it is the same blonde vixen as the original, or if this guy just goes to bars picking up sweaty chicks. Either way, I'm delighted. I promise to find it and post it soon.

On to other business:
I was lying about my baby's name being in the last post. Technically all the letters to spell her name were present, but in no particular order. But I do appreciate the guesses.
Come on readers. Only Jessica and I know the name. No one else will know until she is born. No one. Everyone can surely wait just a few weeks? Remember, your patience will be rewarded.

I also got to have dinner with The Verve Pipe last week. I am honestly surprised my head didn't explode. I will write about that wonderful adventure soon.

Until then, please scour the internet for the newest Certain Dri commercial. I cannot wait to watch it 20 times in a row and get more and more worked up over the ridiculousness of the whole thing.

Thumbing my nose at Jessica

2011-05-23T15:12:00.002-05:00

Jessica has been asking me to write my review of Fast 5. I refuse! Take that Jess. You aren't the boss of me. Plus, Carolla and Simmons already did a breakdown which was better than anything I could do. Just know this, it's a fantastic picture. It features many staples of bad action movies, including it being the last job for Vin and Paul. (Even though Fast 6 is coming soon).
So, instead I want to talk about my 2 favorite commercials. Every single time one of these comes on, I lose my mind. Jess has heard me rant about each no less than 50 times.
1. Certain-Dri: This one has been a fast climber for me. I seem to remember it airing years and years ago and its back. Thankfully.
I love literally everything about this commercial. First we have the blonde scutteze that just so happens to complain to the handsome gentleman about how much she is sweating. Has that ever happened? It is the most insane thing I've ever witnessed in a commercial. But good thing for her, he has the solution since he wears Certain Dri, which is the No. 1 doctor recommended antiperspirant. Then, this whole thing takes a turn. Instead of this attractive woman being horrified that this chap needs prescription strength deodorant, she's only interested in finding out if he is a doctor. Shouldn't she be running from this man, who apparently sweats so violently that no ordinary deodorant can keep him dry?
In news that will shock no one, once she finds out he is a doctor, her only reaction is to say "Very cool," then cozy up to him. And just when you think it can get no better, at the very end for no reason in particular, she says "cool" again after the tag. I have no idea why she does but I am certain that it cracks me up to no end.
After the commercial runs, I usually make a series of off color jokes about the sweaty doctor inviting the young girl up to his hotel room to have carnal relations on the special sheets he has to bring with him, since he will sweat straight through ordinary hotel sheets.

2. Hair Club: Now I'm certainly not breaking comedy ground by making fun of Hair Club for Men. But the part that is the funniest to me is something I've never heard anyone else talk about: Greg the musician. Watch the commercial and pause it at the 1:33 mark. That's our boy Greg. He gives his testimonial at 1:46. I die laughing every single time. That clown has the worst hair I've ever seen. It's the complete opposite of anything you would legitimately want in a hair cut, yet this cat couldn't be prouder. It's coiffed in a ridiculous fashion, highlighted and to put the cherry on the shit sundae, he rocks a soul patch. Just absurd.
The other thing that bothers me about the commercial are the brothers in it. I'm pretty sure it's not racist to say this: shouldn't the brothers just go with a bald head? Haven't we all agreed that is a good look? Especially if the alternative is spending a couple grand to get hair.

Now that you guys are aware of these commercials, make sure you keep a keen eye out for them. It will enrich your life.

In baby news: Most of you know that we aren't revealing our baby girl's name to the public prior to her arrival. But if you read this post closely, you'll find her name spelled out in the post. Good luck!

Until next time, Mahalo!

Bub's is a....

2011-03-15T11:03:00.004-05:00

It's a girl! She was very modest yesterday, but let us get confirmation on gender. As soon as we did, she put her knees back together. That's my girl! She's well on her way to making sure I meet the number 1 goal. I am so excited to meet my sweet baby girl.

Everyone keeps telling me that if I try to make her a tomboy I will fail. But even if she isn't a tomboy, hopefully I can accomplish the following:
1. Make sure she doesn't throw/run/catch like a "girl" in the pejorative sense. I just don't want her to be hopelessly unathletic.
2. Make sure she associates watching basketball with her dad as a treat and fun to do.
3. See above regarding Swayze/Reeves/Stallone/Seagal pictures.

Other than that, she can do all the girly stuff she wants with her mom.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Bub's Reveal

2011-03-14T12:25:00.003-05:00

Well, today is the day we find out if Bubs is a girl or a boy. I cannot wait to find out what we are having. Of course, the knowledge of gender brings separate lists of responsibility as a father.
If it's a girl, my list of jobs is pretty short but vitally important:
1. Keep her off the pole (Trademark Chris Rock);
2. Make sure she has self esteem and self worth, which will ensure No. 1 happens.
And that's it. That is my job.

A boy, on the other hand, will give me a pretty long list of responsibility, most of which are pretty frivolous. I will have to teach him;
1. to throw a ball without looking like a girl;
2. proper running form;
3. that Swayze/Cage/Stallone/Seagal are awesome;
4. how to be a gentleman (opening doors, how to get on a elevator, what not to say in front of women, etc);
5. how to tie a tie;
6. how to pretend to fix stuff even if you have no idea what is wrong;
7. how to tell a joke (which we will probably need to learn together...);
8. how to grill meat;
9. how to shave; and
10. to hate Duke with the passion of 1000 suns.

And that is just off the top of my head. All of those things will be essential to a long and happy life.

Seriously though, I just can't wait to find out and am so excited that I get to be a dad. And that my kid is going to have an awesome mom. If it's a boy, I just hope he is prepared for his buddies making jokes about how hot his mom is. Because that will happen.

Until next time, Mahalo.

And best bad movie of all time is...

2011-02-10T14:10:00.003-06:00

1. Road House

Absurd leading man: I've got 2 words for you: Pat F'ing Swayze.
Let's go through the checklist to make sure he qualifies.

Shirtless tai chi? Check.
Impervious to pain? Check and Check.
Suave with the ladies? You bet.
Fashionable? What do you think?
Able to rip out a man's throat? Check mate!
Swayze was truly one of the greats. It's really a shame that he is more well know for chick flicks like Ghost and Dirty Dancing than he is for Road House and Point Break.

Meaningless conflict: I really shouldn't have to explain the plot of Road House because you all should have seen it dozen of times, but just in case I will explain. Swayze plays Dalton, who is the best cooler in the business. He is so good that everyone in any bar he goes to knows him. This picture was pre-Internet, so you have to figure that Dalton was pretty sweet to earn that reputation. Anyway, he gets hired to clean up the Double Deuce, which is the most out of control bar in the country, despite being in a small town. One problem, the evil Brad Wesley. He's busy shaking down all the businesses in town and isn't to happy with Dalton cleaning up his henchmen. Obviously shaking down legitimate businesses is not cool, but the death count in this movie does not justify the stakes. The final scene features the death of Wesley and all his henchmen with absolutely no consequences for Dalton, even though he just killed a half dozen people. Just absurd and wonderful to watch.

Needlessly intense villian: Ah, the immortal Brad Wesley. He flies his helicopter around, taunts Dalton with the best pool party since Dirk Digler met Chest Rockwell, then tops it all by demanding that his girlfriend strip in public at the Double Deuce. And, while not directly addressed, it appears that he had a thing with Dalton's love Doc. He's always giving Dalton the "I nailed your lady before you were around" look. Not cool Brad. He hits all the bad guy trademarks. He overdresses for everything, is surrounded by lackeys, has no respect for authority and feels some strange kinship with Dalton and wants to be his pal. As soon as Dalton refuses, it is on and you know someone is going to die.

Takes itself seriously: You bet your ass this is a serious movie. It's Swayze and Sam Elliot dispensing justice and trying to clean up the streets. What could be more serious. It's also a tale of a man who performs his job at the highest level imaginable. He's widely held as the best cooler in the business, but he remains humble enough to say that Wade Garrett is the best. Based upon that, we know he's a man of impecable character as well as fists of steel.

Final Verdict: There's a reason that this movie is on 5 times a day. It's entertaining, bizarre, hilarious, has something for the ladies as well as the men, quotable and just down right amazing. I cannot imagine a more perfect bad movie.

Any ideas for my next list? Otherwise I will tell boring stories about my child's impending birth. No one wants to hear that.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Bad Movies 2 and 3 (and a Bubs update)

2011-02-09T17:05:00.003-06:00

Finally, the list you have been waiting for. But first, indulge me for my moment of being an annoying parent-to-be. We heard little baby Bubs heartbeat for the first time this week. It was the single greatest sound I have ever heard, just slightly edging out my previous favorite sound. Alright, enough about Bubs, on to the important matters.

3. Fire Birds
Absurd leading man: Ladies and gentlemen, the immortal Nic Cage. The man is a true pioneer in terrible cinema. If there was a Mount Rushmore of Bad Actors, he'd be on there. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Michael Jordan. If he were a candy, he'd be Swedish Fish. So yeah, he earns big points here.

Meaningless conflict: If you know me, you know my passion for Fire Birds burns deep and you probably expected it to rank higher on this esteemed list. Well, here's where it loses points. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, here's the Cliff Notes version courtesy of a YouTube video that some fantastic gentleman created. He is really doing the Lord's work and made the movie 10 minutes long. Enjoy. Obviously battling South American drug lords and protecting freedom is important.

Needlessly intense villian: Another area where this movie loses points since the villain never really speaks: He lets his helicopter do his talking. He is apparently too busy blowing everyone up to learn sweet lines to say after he kills people. When they finally have the good sense to remake this movie, that will be the first order of business. Just imagine if right before he got missile lock on an American, he pulled some great line like this. Still what he lacks in traditional bad movie intensity, he makes up for with steely glances and deadly missiles.

Takes itself seriously: This movie came out shortly after Top Gun and was clearly trying to ride its coattails to box office success. But instead of Cruise, Kilmer and Kelly McGillis, we get a crazed Cage, a disinterested Tommy Lee Jones and a grotesque Sean Young.

Final Verdict: Fire Birds is the underrated gem of bad movies. You really can't ask for more comedy and ridiculousness than it already gives you. I just wish more people have seen it so I could have long conversations about its greatness.

2. Karate Kid III

Absurd leading man: First we have a 28 year old Ralph Macchio playing a 17 year old, who looks like a 45 year old woman in jeans. By itself, that is one of the 10 most absurd things in the history of cinema. It's absurdity is multiplied by the single craziest performance in movie history turned in by Thomas Ian Griffith as Terry Silver. Just a tour de force by Mr. Griffith. (Bonus greatness)

Meaningless conflict: I have mixed emotions on this one: On one hand defending your All-Valley Teen karate championship is a big deal. On the other, a billionaire industrialist vows to humiliate a 17 year old in front of a thousand people and has to take months off his job to do it. By the way, I didn't make up the part about 1000 people, which is one of my all time favorite lines. Here's where it gets meaningless: to destroy Daniel-son, Terry is going to make him lose his All-Valley championship and nothing else. Keep in mind that this man has billions of dollars. Why doesn't he just hire someone to kill Daniel? Or buy the houses of all Danny's relatives and burn them to the ground? And Daniel has only fought in one karate tournament in his life, it's not like he was ending some long important streak.

Needlessly intense villian: Terry Silver needs no more discussion. Just watch him work.

Takes itself seriously: Here's where the movie loses some points, since it was clearly a cash grab. But still, there are no jokes in the movie, yet more laughs than any comedy in the last 5 years. The movie does try to get you to hate the bad guys for picking on poor Daniel-son, but I always end up rooting for Cobra Kai. Plus, why is it that Daniel starts pissing people off and getting his ass kicked within 5 minutes of every place he goes? I mean, he was in Japan for less than a day and already had a guy after him because Daniel was trying to run game on his girl. Show some respect Danny.

Final Verdict: To me, it's one of the finest comedies ever made. For some strange reason, most people haven't seen it. I say to those unfortunate souls, shame. No go and watch it.

Can you guess what No. 1 is? If you know me at all, it should be obvious. Until then, Mahalo.

The Day Everything Changed

2011-01-25T07:17:00.007-06:00

Sorry to take a break from the Top 3 Best Bad Movies of all time list that I'm sure you are all waiting for, but it's for a good reason. I've been waiting to talk about this since November 29, 2010, at approximately 8:00 pm. That is the exact time that my life changed forever. I found out that I'm going to be a father. Words cannot describe the emotions I went through at that moment. Things slowed down, I tried to capture what I was feeling and tried to appreciate that my life was never going to be the same. There are not many times in life that you can see/feel/know that what used to be is gone. This is one and I couldn't be happier. Since that day, I've listened to this song every single day because it captures the experience I'm living.

I've heard people say that you cannot understand how much you will love your child until you are a parent. I now believe it. I won't see my baby for 6 months and already there isn't anything I wouldn't do for little baby Bubs (tip of the cap to Sheridan for suggesting the nickname, especially since Bubs is one of my favorite characters from The Wire). I am just so grateful for this experience and for all that is to come. I cannot wait to be a dad. I'm not ashamed to say that just typing that I'm going to be a dad brings tears to my eyes. I've always known that I wanted to be a father and I know that I am going to be better at being a father than I have ever been at anything else.

I was going to detail my plan for making little Bubs obsessed with Pat Swayze, Nic Cage and Stallone pictures, how I'll teach life lessons using The Wire and convince Bubs that Larry Bird was the emperor of the United States from 1980-1993, but there will be time to discuss that later. Today, I just want to enjoy this moment, ponder what is to come and thank God for the wonderful woman I get to share it all with.

We will return to the usual frivolity soon. Mahalo!

Top 5 Bad Movies

2011-01-17T20:13:00.009-06:00

Alright, the list that no one but me has been waiting for: My Top 5 best bad movies of all time. Remember, there is a criteria and reason for the rankings. If you disagree with any ranking, you are simply wrong.

Before we get into the list, a quick story. I was flying to see my brother in Seattle and started chatting with a guy at the airport bar. He told me he worked for Starz, to which I replied, "Oh, you mean Nic Cage cable." He actually thought that was funny and we began to discuss why they play so many Nic Cage pictures on the network. Apparently Nic brings big ratings. Somethings just defy explanation.

Without further ado, to the list. (The Top 3 will be revealed at a later date, as this took me way longer than anticipated)

Honorable Mention:
8 MM;
Fast and Furious;
Con-Air;
Hard to Kill;
Broken Arrow;
Demolition Man;
and the hardest omission, Point Break. Point Break features two of the all time great bad actors dueling it out in between surfing, robbing banks and jumping out of planes. It was really hard leaving it out of the Top 5, but that just speaks to the strength of the rest of the list.

5. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Absurd leading man: Paul Walker. Walker delivers an absolutely magnificent performance as Brian O'Conner, a disgraced former Fed. It almost looks like he is reading cue cards off to the side of the screen. He has 0 charisma. He even walks funny. Next time it's on cable, check out his walk. It will change the way you watch the movie.

Meaningless conflict: Walker and his childhood buddy Tyrese must start running drugs for Cole Hauser's character who delivers a career ending performance. In one scene, they must evade the cops to deliver a package to Hauser that contains a cigar. Pretty sure that counts as meaningless.

Needlessly intense villian: As discussed above, Hauser fits the bill. He walks around in shirts unbuttoned to his navel and loves torturing people for no reason. In one scene he puts a rat under a bucket on a guy's chest, then takes a blow torch to the bucket to make the rat scratch the guy. As he's doing it, he laughs like a lunatic. He also walks around the whole time with a scowl and yells about people trying to take his money. It's fantastic. Plus he is almost certainly committing sex crimes on Eva Mendes' character for the duration of the movie.

Takes itself seriously: The movie had a huge budget, recognizable stars and has a minimal attempt to make jokes. Everything that happens has an important tone, even though it's all insanity.

Final Verdict: 2 Fast is a train wreck from start to finish, has horrible acting, no plot and more foolishness than I can detail. An immediate bad sign is that they couldn't even convince Vin Diesel to come back and reprise his role. It's not like he was doing anything of value at the time. But if it's on, I cannot change the channel.

4. Face/Off

Absurd leading man: Please, this has Nic Cage and John Travolta. The story is that Travolta is tracking super criminal Cage and must undergo a face transplant and body reconstruction to gain access to the prison where Cage's brother is being held to learn where a bomb is planted. They literally have to take his face.... off as Cage explains in one epic scene. Or more to the point, as the box of the DVD says, "In order to trap him. He must become him." Let's really take the time to digest this. The hypothesis is that it is possible to take Travolta's body, take Travolta's face off, put Cage's face on, then make Travolta's body the exact same as Cage's. Wow. But don't worry, they explain how it is possible in about 25 seconds. I can't remember it exactly, but it deals with some new special technology. (Which is always the answer; if that technology existed, every rich woman in the movie would look like Heidi Klum. Sounds good to me, get on it scientists).

Meaningless conflict: This is the weakness of the movie, since there is a bomb set in LA that could kill some number of people that I can't remember and don't care enough about to look up. Needless to say, if there weren't many civilian lives on the line, this would be a top 2 lock. But it does set up an essential part to a bad movie: only 3 people can know about what is going on. In this case, that Travolta has become Cage. So when Cage wakes up, he kills those 3 people and no one else knows what happened and they think that Cage is really Travolta. Confusing? Possibly. Awesome? No question.

Needlessly intense villian: Cage. Travolta. Both playing needlessly intense villains in the same film. Wrap your head around this one: Cage starts the movie doing Nic Cage things (i.e. awesome things like this), but then after the face transplant, it's supposed to be Cage acting like Travolta. And then we get Travolta acting like his body was inhabited by Cage. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor. It's so absurd and delightful.

Takes itself seriously: Once again, it had Cage and Travolta, two of the biggest stars in the world being directed by John Woo. It was clearly made as a legitimate film and is still funnier than the last 10 Adam Sandler movies combined.

Final Analysis: Too strange to believe and too wonderful to look away.

Stay tuned for the Top 3. Can anyone guess what it will be?

The Year of Lists

2011-01-12T15:34:00.008-06:00

As an homage to Dameshek, I think the blog needs some lists today.

First list: My all time favorite concerts based upon my love of the artist, the company I was with and memorable moments I associate with the show.

5. Dave-Fest with Wala
In 2000, Wala and I traveled to Dallas to see Dave Matthews shows on back to back nights. The shows were fantastic, highlighted by Dave opening with Seek Up on the second night. But the highlight was going to a low rent version of Dave and Busters on the afternoon before the second show. Wala decided to do a free fall that I was positive would kill him. Thankfully it didn't and we got to enjoy the show.

4. Our Lady Peace with Jon
Jon and I went to see Our Lady Peace in a super small theater that couldn't have held more than 70 people. I was a moderate fan of the band, but seeing them in that setting was incredible. It was really just the lead singer on a stool with an acoustic guitar. Being able to hear an artist in that setting is the best way to enjoy a concert. Plus, my brother is awesome and spending any time with him is a good thing.

3. U2 with Jessica, Dusty & Peyton
They make the list based upon the sheer scope of the concert. I've never been a big fan of U2 but it was the most amazing show I've ever been to. The staging and video playback was unlike anything I have ever seen. I could have done without Bono's preaching, but it was expected and didn't last quite as long as I had anticipated.

2. William Fitzsimmons with various guests
Fitzsimmons makes the list because I love every song he has ever made and I got to see him with Jess and my mom on the same night that UNC beat Villanova in the 2009 Final Four. That was a special night. I got to see him again 2 days later with Melissa. Then in 2010, I got to see him with Jess again and due to winning a contest I got a song dedicated to me. I put on an embarrassing performance when I had the song dedicated to me. You would have thought that I was a 13 year old girl being serenaded by Justin Bieber.

1. Brian Vander Ark with various
It is impossible for me to rank the BVA shows I've seen. My 2 favorites were with Sheridan, then Jessica. The Sheridan show was amazing because I got to hang out with him before the show. Again, I acted like a 13 year old. The show with Jess was memorable for being at a really cool venue and having great openers, Chris O'Brien and Chuck E. Costa.

I have gotten asked many times about my love of bad movies and what makes a movie bad. Well, I'm here to tell you.

1. Bad movies need an absurd leading man. Think Swayze, Cage, Diesel, Van Damme, etc.
2. There must be meaningless conflict and absolutely nothing at stake. This disqualifies movies like Rambo and Predator, since those movies feature fights for justice against an evil sheriff and otherworldly beast.
3. There must be a needlessly intense villain. Just imagine any movie where Cage plays a bad guy.
4. It must have been made as a legitimate movie and take itself seriously. B movies are designed to be bad, so they don't qualify. Vin Diesel movies cost 100 million dollars, so they are obviously eligible.

I hope you all are prepared for my next big list which will feature the 5 best bad movies of all time, including a detailed analysis of why the films earned their spot. I hope you are all prepared for a 5,000 word pile of nonsense.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Unfortunately, it's back...

2010-12-06T11:41:00.006-06:00

I'm sure you all have missed me, so I'm coming out of retirement for a moment.

Jess and I had the great fortune to watch "Roadhouse" and "Fast & Furious" a few weeks back. Whenever I watch movies like this, I make random comments to Jess about how much I love revenge pictures. (A revenge picture is any movie where the hero has to avenge some past misdeed, which is sometimes even his own fault. There are revenge pictures where a cop's wife gets killed by the criminal he couldn't catch, the cop's partner gets killed because he was too much of a baby to pull the trigger or someone in his family dies via random violence. No matter the origin, I love the result.) It usually involves someone deciding that they are going to play by their own rules, not care about any consequences and take down the bad guy. I honestly cannot get enough of this stuff.

I also love any heist picture. To steal a Carolla idea, someone needs to make a "second to last job" heist movie, since when they say it's there last job disaster ensues. But it's always exciting to watch the preparation for the robbery. I wish there was some trade school I could go to so I could learn to be a "second story man." Those guys are always sweet.

Finally, any movie where the hero is chosen by a random authority figure because they needed the "best" is always cinematic magic. Whether it's the best bouncer, driver, thief, etc., it's always a good thing. Just once in my life I want to have this exchange:

Boss: Gregg, I need you for this project.
Gregg: Why me?
Boss: (puts down coffee mug, looks down for a beat, then raises his head) Because you're the best. That's why.

Sadly, that would probably be the highlight of my life.

I can't possibly be alone in loving revenge/heist/you're the best pictures. So I can't understand why there isn't a new one coming out once a week. I wouldn't dare miss one of them, as my recent purchase of The Expendables on Blu-Ray can attest.

Random recollection of the week: I was complaining to my friend Katie about how bananas have the worst shelf life of any fruit and seemingly go from too green, to bruised in moments. She changed my life and shopping habits by telling me to buy various stages of green bananas from separate bunches so they don't all age at the same pace. This blew my mind. How has it never occurred to me to do that? Do other people know about this? It just makes me think about all the things in the world that I don't know about that would probably improve the quality of my life immensely.

Since it's New Years, I guess I should have some resolutions. In no particular order:
stick with my new diet and workout plan, continue to watch as many corny action movies as possible and to write more regularly. (I have no great intention of fulfilling one of these; feel free to guess which one).

Until next time, Mahalo!

Summer Musings...

2010-08-27T15:09:00.002-05:00

The title of this post will mean nothing to most people, but if you work with me you understand. Some genius prankster found my phone unattended in the office and proceeded to send an email that was allegedly from me offering some advice on how to spend the last moments of summer. The advice was as follows:

1. Try the veal - You can never go wrong with a good veal cutlet whether it's grilled or parmesan.

2. Wax on. Wax off - Rent the original Karate Kid. No one wants to admit it, but this is really Hollywood at its best.

3. Delete with extreme prejudice - Nothing eases the mind or speeds up Outlook load times like deleting old email messages.

4. Chill out - Beat the heat with an ice cold Fanta! I know some are partial to Coke products, but for my money, nothing refreshes like a Fanta.

Pretty funny right? Plus since I have been the architect of my share of office pranks, I had it coming.

But I have some real musings that I have been thinking about lately, so figured I should share those.

1. Sad but true fact about me: I learned more about American History from watching the movie 1776, than I did in all my history courses combined. I specifically remember getting a 115 on a test in college because there was extra credit for knowing the names of Constitutional delegates. I just sang the songs in my head and nailed it.
2. In addition to my previously posted fear of seeing a robbery at Blockbuster when it is closed, I am convinced some criminal is lying in wait for me in the morning when I open my garage door to leave for the gym. So much so, that I have to get into my car, lock the doors, then open the garage door.
3. My sense of humor must be terrible. Every time I talk to other people about shows I think are funny they strongly disagree. For example, I think Community and Parks and Recreation are the funniest sitcoms on network TV. I told this to a group of colleagues at lunch and you would have thought I said I liked drowning puppies in my spare time by their reactions. I tried to salvage the situation and tell them that I also love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They again disagreed, even though they admitted they had never seen the show. To me, this is just insanity. I mean, how can you watch this and not laugh? I would argue that the look on Dennis' face when he discovers the high harmony on Charlie's song is funnier than any entire episode of The Office for the past season. I guess if you don't think that's funny, I don't want to be your friend anyway.

Well, that is probably enough to ponder for one day. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!

The Situation

2010-08-06T10:52:00.004-05:00

The return of Jersey Shore mandates the return of the blog. This show continues to entertain and break new ground in comedy. Just last night The Situation had the following exchange:
TS: Yeah, I need to place an order for delivery.
DG: What's the name on that?
TS: The Situation.
DG: What?
TS: The Situation. Capital S, i, t, u, a, t, i, o, n.

Simply brilliant. We also learned that the new house is a grenade free foundation.
I was really worried that season 2 wouldn't live up to season 1, but I've been proven wrong so far. Let's hope they keep up the good work.

I actually listened to Carolla for the first time in several weeks this morning. I am not a fan of his new podcast format, since T is prominently involved. She's the worst, Jerry, the worst. But I have discovered that they do a weekly recap called, "This Week in This Week." It's basically a highlight show and covers all the good, without all the crap filler. I will at least listen to that once a week and share my thoughts.

I had an extraordinary discovery the other day. I learned that Girl Clerk #1's ex-boyfriend is a Carolla fiend just like me and that factor in their breakup was his Carolla obsession. I wish I could have been around to instruct her how to deal with the situation and have him start an unreadable blog to save the relationship. So maybe for the sake of others in relationships, I need to start writing again in order to show others the way to maintain happy relationships with their partners of questionable comedy taste.

And now a non-Journey song for your weekend. Mahalo.

Happy (Late) Birthday to Melissa

2010-03-25T15:41:00.004-05:00

My brother Jonathan is not the only person to blame for this blog: My sister Melissa bears a lot of shame for its existence. Melissa is an amazing sister and the type of person who always believes in and encourages you. For instance, she thinks I'm funny and that I should have a blog. Ta-da. I can always count on her to read and think that my rambling is amusing. Thanks Melissa. I couldn't ask for a better sister (thinly veiled assault at my other sisters; learn from Melissa's example and laugh when I tell jokes).

I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this before, but it makes me so happy it needs to be repeated. I get endless joy of seeing girls who were not considered attractive in high school being attractive as grown ups. I get the same joy from nerdy guys that have gone on to grow into themselves, get good jobs and wives that are far too attractive for them. Way to go formerly ugly girls and nerds.

I still haven't had time to recap my Vegas trip. Perhaps I am still baffled at the $24,000 bottle of wine available at Prime in Bellagio. I cannot imagine how wealthy you must be to justify that purchase. Or the dude sitting by himself playing 3 hands at $10,000/hand in Blackjack. He was joyless at both wins and losses. I was playing $25/hand and freaking out each time. If he makes about 85,000,000/year, our gambling was equivalent so maybe that is why he wasn't worried. ANYWAY, Vegas is just a strange place where money seems to lose value and grown ups act like drunk 16 year olds with their parents credit card.

Happy Birthday Melissa, and until next time, Mahalo!

Only in Vegas

2010-03-22T15:47:00.002-05:00

Jessica and I just returned from Las Vegas. After you spend even just a few moments in Vegas you realize that things happen there that don't happen in any other location. Here's a short list I noticed last week:

1. People openly drinking 60 ounce margaritas in the street;
2. Normal girls dressing exactly like hookers;
3. Hookers wearing $25,000 rings;
4. 2 young girls sitting on a man's lap in an expensive hotel, grinding away, then getting up and asking to join them outside to smoke. As they walk, one turns and asks the man his name;
5. A man and woman on the elevator, the woman clearly a prostitute, the morning after she did God know what for a few dollars exchanging pleasantries like they are a normal couple;
6. People not caring that you order hard liquor drinks before 10 am and are intoxicated by 12.

To honor Melissa's birthday tomorrow, I am writing a recap of the interesting parts of the trip.

Until then, Mahalo!

Reader Mail

2010-02-24T08:41:00.004-06:00

Believe it or not, I actually do get random questions/criticisms/suggestions from dear readers, such as yourself. I figured on the eve of the anniversary of the blog I should take some time to answer them.

These are real questions by real readers. Except for the ones I made up.

Q: Will you please stop writing about stuff I say/do? Everyone that reads the blog will think I am a shrew of a wife.
Jessica L., Edmond, OK

A: Your request has been considered and denied. It's funny. Plus no one who reads this doesn't know us in real life, so they are fully aware that I am ridiculous and not to be trusted to accurately recount events.

Q: Seriously, what's the big deal with Carolla. He's not funny. He has failed spectacularly in TV and film. You should stop listening to him for hours each day, which I am sure will greatly improve the quality of your life.
Steve M., Syracuse, NY

A: False. Carolla is hilarious and a true comedy genius. Steve, it's not my fault you have no sense of humor. It's your life, so if you want to go through it like a giant humorless doucher, I can't stop you. Do me a favor, watch this. If you still think Carolla's not funny then we are at an impasse. I'll go to the right and you'll go left with the Nickelback fans.

Q: I get it, you like Journey. You do realize that music has come out since 1988. Please link to some other videos.
Lawrence B., Tulsa, OK

A: Sure thing Larry. Enjoy.

Larry, we obviously can't be friends. If you don't enjoy Journey videos for both the music and the unintentional comedy, we'll never see eye to eye. The above video features a mustachioed Steve Perry singing his heart out while out rambling on the road. Then shaving his mustache and sweating like a demon to show how much he misses her. Plus you get the added comedy of the bassist (who is the breakout star of the Separate Ways video) looking forlorn into the mirror, where his jazzercise girlfriend's photo hangs, as he pretends to play.

Q: My girlfriend isn't a fan of Ace either. How can I turn her around?
Phillip R., River Bend, OR

A: Phil, I'm probably not the right man to ask, since I can't even convince my wife to listen to or watch any Carolla related content. Any success I have had in making Jess enjoy Carolla had to come through trickery, such as relating a funny rant or opinion without the source. After she laughs, I tell her it was Ace and she feels ashamed for laughing. Another more sinister plan would be to get her a dog and name him Ace. She'll love the dog and eventually there will be some transference and she will start liking Ace more.

Make sure you check back for the Aceiversary Blog and the rest of reader mail.
Until next time, enjoy a non-Journey video. Mahalo!

Jessica's Olympic Thoughts

2010-02-17T13:18:00.005-06:00

Jessica has been in rare form the past couple days with her Olympics commentary. It must be shared:

1. She decided that the ski jump looks easy and is probably something she can do. She was not joking. I tried to explain that I doubt she could even keep her skis straight in the grooves to make it to the jump, let alone do that successfully then jump 300 feet. She would most likely end up like this. Then I would have to reenact the male version of this song. (I think it is an amazing song but super sad when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about. I enjoy this particular clip since he is joking around beforehand, then sings a song about a dead guy's bride to be having to trade her wedding dress for a funeral dress)

2. She declared that being held in the air by a male figure skating partner would be simple. Again, I tried to reason with her that staying perfectly balanced and still, while being hoisted by a small man would be difficult. She maintains that part of it is easy and she could have been a good pairs skater if that is all she had to do. She would cut someone's ear off with a skate during her first practice run.

3. That a Russian figure skater looked tough and would not "be the type of guy you would want to see in a dark alley." The skater is this guy. Process that for a moment. I can't imagine I would do anything other than laugh if I saw this guy trying to mug me. When I pointed out the absurdity of her statement, she did relent and say that once he started skating he didn't look that tough.

4. Lastly, that a male figure skater had to be straight based on the way he moved his hips at the beginning of a routine. She said that he moved his hips like I do when I try to dance and that no gay man would move that way. She may have a valid point with that one.

I on the other hand understand that the only Winter Olympic event I could ever do would be throwing the stone in curling. I couldn't even be one of the sweepers since I would certainly fall down trying to sweep that fast.

I am really looking forward to another week and a half of these comments. ACG, tell Canada to get it's act together so we can see some skiing.

Next post, I am going to answer some reader mail, so please send along any questions you may have. Until then, Mahalo!

How to be a hit at your Super Bowl party

2010-02-02T08:11:00.005-06:00

This is usually a space used exclusively for wasteful and ultimately fruitless thoughts on subjects only interesting to me. Well today things change. Today I am going to give all of you a surefire way to be a hit at your upcoming Super Bowl party. The Super Bowl is the one time of year that everyone watches football, whether you are interested in the game or not. So inevitably the party is divided amongst people interested in football, people interested in commercials and people interested in getting really drunk. If people are allowed to stay in their desired camp and not interact, the party is no fun. The key is to get everyone involved. Now, you are asking, "How can I unite such divergent groups?" Simple; The magic of gambling.

I have seen this strategy work firsthand. I am married to a woman who has 0 interest in professional football. The week before our first Super Bowl together I told her stories about being in Vegas for the Super Bowl the year before and all the crazy bets they have in the sports books. Intrigued, she asked what stuff you could bet on. I went through the list: heads/tails on the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, what the first penalty will be, how many Bud Light commercials will be shown, etc. I didn't even have to break out the various cross sport bets available, such as Kobe Bryant points v. pass attempts for a QB and she was hooked. Our system is based upon imaginary dollars, say $1,000, which you can bet in any combination on the various bets. Jess and I had a dinner bet our first year, which see easily won. But it really was a win/win, since she didn't complain about me watching football, because she was really concerned with the number of eTrade commercials and if there was going to be a punt return touchdown. I have never seen her so invested in televised sports that didn't involve OU losing BCS games.

We went to a Super Bowl party at co-worker Amy's house last year and I introduced gambling to the party. It was a bigger hit than my actual presence. There was a legitimately tense moment prior to kick off because our friend Katie had put a huge bet on Sully doing the coin toss. So when he came out, the room exploded and Katie was sitting pretty to win big. At co-worker Amy's, the bets were all between significant other/spouses, but it works really well in a group setting. I would suggest having everyone throw in 10 bucks, use the imaginary money system, then highest score takes the pool. Can you imagine 20 people having a stake in whether the first penalty is pass interference or holding and whether Kim Kardashian is shown more than 3 and 1/2 times during the telecast? All attendees will pay attention the whole time. That is the beauty of the Super Bowl bets, nothing is off limits. Anything you can think of has odds, or some savvy gambler in your group can create odds for it. Plus, there will probably be someone at the party (ahem, a guy like me) with money on the game who will be open to making some side bets during the game to hedge his losses if things start going poorly. Find that poor sap (again, me) and take advantage of his love of gambling. Or if you are that gambler, find the guy that who is there solely to get really drunk. You should already have a bet on the number of beers he will drink (o/u 10.5; take the over), sit next to him, keep a beer in his hand to insure you win the over and then convince him to make crazy bets and take his money. Sure, that's probably an underhanded move, but gambling is a jungle and you have to make your money where you can.

If anyone is interested I have already created this year's spreadsheet of bets and will happily send it to you so you can impress your friends. My personal favorite bet is about the number of Peyton Manning commercials v. number of times Kim Kardashian is shown on camera. I am leaning toward Peyton crushing Kardashian, but if Reggie Bush does something spectacular, they will show her. Good luck with your wagers.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Ace's Mistake

2010-01-30T19:57:00.003-06:00

This whole Leno/Conan thing has been such a disaster for Leno. He has screwed up in every possible way and handled the situation with such an absence of class that I am not sure how he recovers. Most right thinking people are firmly on Team Conan. Except Ace. For some reason he is still on Leno's side in this mess. I suspect it is because Leno has let Ace appear on his show numerous times. While I agree that allowing Ace more TV time was a great decision, I cannot agree with how Leno has handled himself. The most embarrassing moment in the whole saga for Leno has been how Jimmy Kimmel has just destroyed him. First he took him down on his own show. Most recently he used 5 minutes of his monologue to call Leno out again. Kimmel's points are valid. He acknowledged that he had to talk about the situation or he himself seems like an ass and he expected that Leno would engage in some back and forth. Kimmel's worst indictment was commenting that he expected Leno would not just read off the cue cards and that he used to be a comedian.

Maybe Leno and Kimmel going back and forth will finally snap Ace to his senses since there is no way Ace would go against Kimmel. At least I hope Ace doesn't go against Kimmel. If Ace turns against Kimmel, it would be the equivalent of Turk & JD or Stockton & Malone breaking up. I am not sure I could handle them separating and it may cause me to rethink my whole position on Ace. I'm sure me talking about Ace less will delight Jessica to no end, so let's hope order is maintained and Ace turns against Leno.

I was thinking about something else today. The advent of Facebook has allowed me to re-connect with old friends, which is a good thing. This allows me to see not only what someone does for a living but also how they look. It delights me to no end to see girls that thought they were hot stuff in high school look like holy hell now. If they are also marginally employed, even better. Am I alone on that? I'm sure it makes me a terrible person. The only thing that makes me happier is when there is a really nice girl who was not cute in high school that turned out pretty. I think it is proof that karma is real. And I am not talking about Karma in Seaside Heights. Unfortunately, we all know that is very real and very terrible.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Google Ads problems

2010-01-21T11:40:00.002-06:00

It seems that Google Ads must be confused since it has recently been featuring "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" ads at the bottom of my posts. I wouldn't mind these ads if you douchers clicked on them so I could make 2 cents. But if I am not profiting from ads for a horrible movie, I must object.
The only explanation for the ads must be my previous posts about the movie. I guess Google Ads doesn't pick up all content since I wrote that the movie was epically terrible and painfully unfunny. It's not even so bad it's funny like Fire Birds. It's just bad. You would figure with all the times I have talked about Carolla, I would have some ads featuring him or Journey.

This whole thing makes me as mad as the new McDonald's commercial with the guy that tells people not to talk to him until he has had his coffee. I promise you that if someone said something that stupid to me in real life I would punch them without hesitation. If someone was then foolhardy enough to ask, "Why did you hit me? I was just keeping it real," I would punch them even harder for being super lame. If the second punch didn't send a clear enough message and this fool then said, "Was me telling you not to speak until I have had my coffee TMI?," I would probably commit a homicide. So, let's all get on the same page and help me avoid being incarcerated for assaulting caffeine deprived individuals on the street.

I am working on a new post that will discuss a shake up in my Carolla world: Ace has sided with Leno. Shameful!

Until then, enjoy this video of Aziz Ansari's comedy. I enjoy Aziz's comedy on a different level since he looks exactly like my friend Jordan. Not sure why that cracks me up, but it does.

Blame Jonathan!

2010-01-19T08:28:00.002-06:00

Today I need to take a moment to honor the person most responsible (or to blame, depending on your views of my writing) for this blog, my brother Jonathan. It was Jonathan's Carolla stories that got me hooked on the radio show, leading to my inability to carry on a simple conversation without mentioning Carolla. That inability led to the increasing tension with Jessica, which became this bet and blog.
Since it's Jon's birthday, he gets a special blog post (no worries Melissa, you'll get one too). Does anyone else remember those knock off colognes that said things like: "If you like Drakkar Noir, you'll love Dark Nights." That is how I feel about Jon. If you like me, you'll love Jon since he is better than me in every appreciable way: he's funnier, more handsome, smarter, more athletic, doesn't write unreadable blogs, enjoys music videos by bands other than Journey, etc, etc. I hope that isn't too much of a backhanded compliment, using an analogy about bad cologne in regard to my brother. I just always enjoyed that phrase. (As an aside, it's not like Drakkar even smelled good or was so prohibitively expensive that buying a knock off was necessary; it's not exactly like wanting an expensive watch and buying the knock off version).
It is pretty cool for me to look back at my life and realize that so many of my favorite memories involve my brother. We saw Michael Jordan from 10 feet away together, would eat unreasonable amounts of chicken planks from LJS, then go to the $1 movies, saw great concerts and recently had an amazing Vegas trip. I'm blessed to have a great brother. As the older brother, I never figured that my younger brother would have such an impact on my personality, but he did. Before you blame him for my shortcomings, realize I would be so much more unreasonable if not for him. His influence has kept me tolerable for society. Happy Birthday brother. As a special treat, here you go: 1 and 2.

Special shout outs:
1. To my favorite anonymous Canadian reader: Congrats on the job. I hope it's something enjoyable and inspiring. And that they don't block this site so you can read this at work.
2. Everyone needs to visit Got to get it ON! It's a website chronicling Carolla's appearances and related material. The guy that runs it is truly doing the Lord's work. Plus there is a game on the site that allows you (as Carolla) to box Donny, his assistant. While it is not as challenging as hitting Tiger's mistresses with golf balls from various distances, it's always enjoyable to punch a hippie.
3. Lastly, to my exceeding gracious and understanding bride. She puts up with more than any woman should endure, from my ridiculous theories, minor occurrences that lead to 10 minute rants and a never ending string of songs that I make her listen to in order to guess the 10 second segment of the song that makes it amazing. She's gotten really good at figuring those out. If you want to play the at home version, here's a song: Which segment is the kind of song Gregg would write if he could write songs?

As always, thanks for reading. Until next time, Mahalo!

This is how rich I would be

2010-01-15T07:58:00.002-06:00

After spending even more time thinking about the ability to call my past self, I started to wonder how much money I could have made. I figure the most money I could muster at 15 would be 100 bucks, but the bigger problem would be finding a degenerate to place the bet for me. I also had to make some assumptions on odds since I couldn't find historical odds. Based on current odds for 2010, I estimate that the average eventual champion would be about 8-1 at the beginning of the year. So assuming that I could find a gambling fiend to place my bets while still underage, here's the payout:

1994: $100 bet at 8-1 = $900 (800 from the bet, plus the original 100 I bet); pay degenerate $100, save 300 since I may not fully trust my future self yet.
1995: $500 at 8-1 = 4500; pay degenerate 200; save 1000 (1300 total)
1996: $3000 at 8-1 = $27,000; pay degenerate 500; save 6500 (8800 total)
1997: $20,000 at 8-1 = $180,000; pay degenerate 5000; save 25,000 (33,800 total)
1998: $150,000 at 8-1 = 1,350,000; no longer pay degenerate since I am of legal age to bet; save 550,000 (583,800 total, which is now in a money market earning interest to pay my living expenses)
1999: 800,000 at 8-1 = 6,400,000; save 4.4 million;
at this point, I am not sure if a casino will allow you to book a bet for more than 1 million, so 2000-2004 is as follows:
2000-2004: 1,000,000 at 8-1= 9,000,000; save 8 million for google fund;
So in 2004 when Google IPO's I have 40 million to invest at the price of $85, which equals 470,000 shares. Let's say I am a coward and sell when it hits 600, I would now have 282 Million from google, plus a guaranteed 9 million until 2009 from the hoops bets. I'm pretty sure I could live comfortably on that.

At that point I would have no need to gamble anymore. So if someone out there can bend the laws of time and physics let me know. We could be really rich.

Time Machines

2010-01-14T15:06:00.003-06:00

For some reason I have been thinking about time travel a lot lately. It could be because of my DeLorean key chain. But I think the real reason is that I read a Chuck Klosterman essay where he talked about time machines. The most interesting part to me was Chuck talking about the possibility of a telephone to the past where you could talk to your past self for 15 seconds. I have been thinking about what I would say to my 15 year old self if given 15 seconds. Here goes:

Present Gregg: Gregg, this is future you. Write this down...

Past Gregg: I'm confused, if you are from the future, then this already happened and I don't remember it, so it didn't really happen. And if this call really did happen, then it doesn't matter what I do, since it is already done. If this was really me in the future, I've probably seen Back to the Future Part II 30 times by now and know you are going to give me sports results like Biff.

Present Gregg: Shut up. we're running out of time...

On second thought, revised plan:

Present Gregg: Gregg, this is future you, be quiet and write this down:
Men's Hoops, start in 94 Arkansas, UCLA, Kentucky, Zona, Kentucky, UConn, Mich State, Duke, Maryland, Cuse, Uconn, UNC, Florida twice, KU, UNC. Bet big. Invest in Google, huge.
And your wife is hot.

To me this seems like the perfect information to give my past self. I give myself sure fire winners so I can make some money, while simultaneously letting my future self know that my future wife is hot. That way, I can live my life unencoumbered by concerns about my future since I already know I'm rich with a hot wife. That's a Michael Scott Win/Win/Win situation.

The Silence is Over

2009-12-18T09:08:00.004-06:00

I know I have made you all many promises over the past couple months. Specifically that I will write about Carolla and that it will be entertaining. I failed miserably on both fronts. When I did write something it was occasionally Carolla related, but rarely entertaining. Well, at this point, you know what you are getting, so don't expect anything interesting from me. But as an apology and show of good faith, I give you this for the holidays. I assure you the previous link isn't what you were expecting, so just click it.

Before I start, I do need to mention another reason I have been silent as of late. I was informed that my beloved Asteroid 4535 is actually my beloved bride. I felt so betrayed, since I was sure Asteroid was a loyal Ace fan. To find there was a traitor in our midst was disheartening. It is nice that she took the time to do some Carolla research and I think she is secretly a fan.

There are currently some shenanigans at my office. As they said in Rocky 4, what started out as a joke has turned into a disaster. There were a couple guys growing various forms of facial hair for the past few weeks. I didn't shave for a few days and someone asked me what was going on with all the guys having beards. I lied and said it was for a beard growing contest and that I was donating all the money to the Human Fund. This person was obviously not a Seinfeld fan and didn't understand my reference to George's made up charity. Well, now there really is a contest, but thankfully we have a real benefactor, not some figment of my imagination. I have come up with a great strategy to win the contest. I am going to have a week of novelty beards, including mutton chops, boy band pencil beard and just plain mustache. I think my variety will overcome my lack of ability to grow an actual nice looking beard.

The real reason I am writing is to have an outlet to discuss the most fascinating show in years: Jersey Shore. If you don't know about Jersey Shore, I feel sorry for you. It follows the adventures of Pauly D, Jenni ("JWOWW"), Angelina ("Jolie"), Vinnie, Ronnie, Sammi ("Sweetheart"), Nicole ("Snooki") and Mike ("The Situation") enjoying a summer at the Jersey shore. It is entirely unclear at this point if any of the nicknames were given by other people, but I suspect they are all self appointed. The Situation is the breakout character and really needs a documentary crew following him at all times so his behavior can be studied. He is the type of character that could not exist in scripted television, to the point that I would say no actor alive could portray him. He has an incredible ego, seeing as he nicknamed himself "The Situation" because of his abs, yet is so hurt and vulnerable when the girl he has known for less than 48 hours rejects his advances. It was the kind of emotion that would win an Oscar, assuming the Academy went back to rewarding good performances and not people that play gay, disabled or transgendered (or all 3 together) characters.

But the moment I really want to talk about happened last night, when a despondent Ronnie left the club after Sammi gave her number to another man. He was so upset that he decided to lay down in his bed, above the covers, in only a towel. When Sammi came home to talk to him, he got out of bed, adjusted his towel and had a heart felt conversation with her. Would it have been too much to ask for him to put on some board shorts prior to the conversation? Secondly, who sleeps in a towel? That cannot be comfortable. To top it off, this emotional conversation was taking place as Sweatheart was removing her hair extensions. As explained to Nic Cage's character in 8MM, some things you just can't unsee. That scene is one of those things. I will always remember where I was when two drunk idiots poured their hearts out to each other in grunts, whilst wearing a towel and removing hair extensions saying "like" at least 50 times. It's the kind of moment that makes you re-evaluate your life and start questioning the choices that have led to you watching this type of nonsense. I probably need some professional help.

I hope I get some credit for referencing 2 movies that could not be more opposite. Rocky 4 was brilliant in every respect, especially the scene where Rocky drives his Lambo as images of Apollo flash in his mind. On the other hand 8MM is creepy and terrible, mainly since it features my arch nemesis Nic Cage. The only good scene he ever filmed was in Firebirds. And yes, I would like some strawberry gum.

Scene from a bad movie

2009-10-02T12:43:00.002-05:00

I dedicated my last post to the failure that is Tucker Max's movie. Well, now there are scenes online, posted by the creators. Keep in mind that they felt this was a great scene, otherwise there is no use in releasing it.

Bad movie clip

If you like the clip, we cannot be friends. It's just that simple.

Now to cleanse your palette, enjoy: Perfection. This was the first song they played at their OKC concert. I could not have been more delighted. Especially since the new lead singer bought Steve Perry's voice, clothes and haircut from 1984.

Tucker Max doesn't like questions about Carolla

2009-09-25T13:27:00.003-05:00

At the outset, I must apologize for my lack of posting. It's pretty embarrassing how long my posts take me, considering they are often devoid of anything funny and/or interesting. Plus, I have more at stake now, since if I piss Jessica off by writing about my opinions of her choices in television and movies, I'll end up sleeping on the couch. I'll ease back into writing more frequently and hopefully you'll end up enjoying it.

And now for my Tucker Max story: If you don't know who he is, a little background. He gained a modest amount of internet fame for a story involving an ex-girlfriend after she sued him to remove the story from his site. He won the case and made some headlines since it was an early 1st amendment case involving the internet. He parlayed that fame into a book and a long line of doucher fans. He now has a movie. Tucker's promises of the movie included that it would be a revolutionary comedy, feature no hijinks, an original story, fully formed characters and be a box office hit. Tucker also frequently commented that his movie would top any box office number The Hangover could do. Of course, The Hangover has gone on to be the biggest R rated comedy ever.

I followed the movie production blog and was excited to see that Tucker would be traveling to Norman amongst his 31 city tour to premiere the movie. The movie looked terrible based on the script and trailer, so needless to say I couldn't wait for it. My love of bad movies has long been chronicled on this page and Tucker's seemed poised to join the pantheon.

Here's the set up: the premiere featured Tucker and writing partner Nils Parker (doing an opening, plus aftershow Q&A), plus a free shirt, beer glass, bumper sticker, movie poster, bag, pen, bottle opener and a WWTD wristband, plus movie admission for $10. So basically for the price of an evening movie. I was ecstatic over the possibilities.

Before I get to my review of the movie, here's the Carolla story: After watching the movie, I wanted to ask a question about a scene where the Tucker character says the title of the movie, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, at what is supposed to be the climatic scene, where Tucker realizes the error of his ways. Carolla has long insisted that this is the tell tale sign of a bad movie, that a character says the title in an obvious way. (See my post about The Ugly Truth). So, I stood up to ask about it, but didn't get to finish my question, because as soon as I said it was Carolla's theory, Tucker freaked out and started making comments about how bad Carolla's movie was and how it didn't make any money. I didn't even get to mention how Nic Cage's character dramatically says he wants to take John Travolta's face....off in the movie Face/Off! Of course his reaction had nothing to do with my question and just illustrated how insecure Tucker really is. The amazing part was that he went on to list how his movie is so different than every other Hollywood comedy. Problem is it is a completely derivative movie. The premise is a bachelor party, something goes wrong, a lesson is learned and the lead saves the day. Not exactly original. Plus one of his friends falls for the stripper with the heart of gold. (his friend is also the most insecure, woman hating person in the movie; He thinks all woman are whores, yet falls for the stripper after insulting her for 20 minutes. We are supposed to believe this is realistic since the stripper says she didn't cheat on her baby daddy?) There is also scene in which a character mentions a scene from Wedding Crashers, then proceeds to put eye drops in Tucker's beer, just like Wedding Crashers. Then we get to see the results of the prank. When I say see them, I mean that literally. They literally show the dude's butt as it is spraying poop. Very classy. Plus I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as being original when you steal a bit from a movie and just add seeing actual shit instead of just seeing a guy in the bathroom.

My review of the movie: It is flat terrible. And not terrible in a fun, let's watch it on cable and crack jokes with buddies kind of way. It's just bad, unfunny and poorly done.

Lastly, Tucker made fun of how bad Carolla's movie was. Just for comparision's sake, here's the Rotten Tomatoes links to each:
Carolla
Tucker

I'll take Carolla's 71, vs. Tucker's 22 and falling any day. I suggest you avoid the movie at all costs.

Jess and I have tickets to Journey next week. Expect a lot of posts involving this.

Recent Movie Review

2009-08-16T20:13:00.006-05:00

Jessica and I decided to go to the movies this weekend. We did not choice wisely. We opted for the 5:15 showing of "The Goods." Mistake No. 1.
Mistake No. 2 was arriving far too early for the movie. Instead of sitting in the theater, I recommended that we sneak into a nearby theater to enjoy part of another movie while we waited. Now sneaking into the movie by itself isn't a mistake, but the movie we chose certainly was. We went into "The Ugly Truth." Holy crap, it's awful. But in a weird way it is Carolla related since the star of the pile of crap, Gerard Butler, visited Carolla's radio show to prepare for his role. He sure didn't absorb any comedy while he was there because the only funny moment that we saw was when Katherine Heigel's character said, "Well, I guess the truth is ugly." Holy crappy pun. All hell broke loose when I started to laugh uncontrollably. Jessica has never been more embarrassed by me then she was in that moment. She told me that the rest of the theater had invested 90 minutes with the movie and I shouldn't be an ass (her words) and laugh at it. I told her that if people were stupid enough to buy a ticket to the movie, they should expect people to come in midway through and goof on it. She said if I laughed one more time, she was going to make me get up. (While we are at it, please give me credit for resisting the many opportunities for puns that two terrible movies called "The Ugly Truth," and "The Goods" provide). The end of the movie was so predictable that I bet Jessica $10,000 what it would be 10 minutes before it happened, and I was right. Too bad that it was so obvious only a fool would have doubted what was about to happen.

"The Goods" is legitimately one of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Terrible writing, stupid story and an even worse Will Ferrell cameo. It is a mess of a movie and I honestly cannot imagine how it could have been worse. I like Jeremy Piven, but who does he think he is fooling with his hair plugs. Come on. The guy was bald when he was cast to play George on "Jerry", Seinfeld's show within a show. Here's proof.
I know none of you follow my advice when I tell you to listen to Journey and watch basketball games from 25 years ago, but please heed my warnings. Do not see "The Goods". Act as if "The Goods" is a mogwai and that seeing it is like feeding it after midnight.

Did you all click on that Journey video? Please tell me you did. It's truly magnificent. If you're still unsure, just know that Steve Perry has a scene where he shaves his mustache with the most disappointed look possible on his face. Enjoy!

Actual Carolla Talk

2009-08-13T08:10:00.004-05:00

I know you have all been missing my Carolla talk. At least I hope at least some of you have. I've decided to return to my roots on this blog and start writing about the magic of Ace once more. Sure, it will cause some marital strain, but she knew what she was getting into by marrying me.

One of the recent highlights of Ace's podcast was his story about his wife's obsession with Bruce Springsteen. Ace is constantly complaining that his wife doesn't cook, sew, clean, etc., and he has a plan to change all that. He wants to pay Bruce a huge amount of money to do one of his long winded song intros and talk about how he had a girlfriend that didn't do any cooking or sewing and how it was the reason they broke up. Bruce then should encourage all the ladies in the audience to make sure they take care of their man by performing those tasks. (Then Bruce goes into the song, 2, 3, 4). Ace is convinced that his wife would immediately run to the store to buy a sewing machine. This is just inspired stuff. I'm thinking that I need to convince the writer of a certain series of novels involving teenage vampires to do the same thing for Jess. If this writer of a series of books involving the forbidden love of a human and a vampire, who shall remain nameless, could include passages about how cooking for your husband is the ultimate expression of love, I'm pretty sure Jess would do it. You see dear reader(s?), Jessica "allegedly" enjoyed the 4 part series of the supernatural teenager and his human girlfriend, which again, must remain anonymous, so much that if I just typed up some pages and glued them into one of the books, she would be so enthralled she may not even notice. I'll work on the some passages to add to the book and report back with the results.

Jerry O'Connell was a recent guest on the show. Jerry is the kind of guy that every guy is trained to hate from an early age. He's funny, good looking, reasonably talented and most of all sleeps next to her. My natural instinct is to call him, in the words of Dameshek, JERK! (laser sounds). But I just can't hate the guy. Well done good sir is all that can be said.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Another fun fact

2009-08-07T22:43:00.004-05:00

Since you all seemed to enjoy my secret fear of seeing a robbery in progress at Blockbuster, I thought I'd share another odd fact about me. I revealed for the first time today that the reason I order the 6 inch sub at Subway instead of the footlong has nothing to do with my appetite or being on a diet. The reason why is quite simple: I don't want them to have to cut my sandwich. Let me explain: when you order the footlong they cut the sandwich using the knife that they use for everyone else. So we all know what that means: When the gross guy in front of you orders a sandwich with extra ranch and mayo, they cut it with the knife. God forbid they cleaned the knife between sandwiches. Even if they did, it would still gross me out. But since they don't clean it, it makes me sick and I wouldn't dare eat the sandwich since there would be mayo/ranch residue on my sandwich. I told Jessica about this and it seemed pretty clear that she was dismayed by this information. There are just some things that you can't reveal prior to marriage and my unnatural fear of a shared utensil is on that list.

I may have to make this a running segment on the blog. Trust me, there is a wealth of material since my neurotic tendencies no almost no bounds.

Carolla related update coming soon, along with more hilarious Journey videos, since I'm sure you've missed them. Until then, Mahalo!

Are you sure Ed's not gay?

2009-07-29T06:38:00.001-05:00

ummmm..... yikes.

Wow, that removes all doubt right? I have no words.

The Live Blog Returns

2009-07-27T19:48:00.012-05:00

Since Melissa requested it, here is the live (DVR) blog of The Bachelorette finale.

The promos keep telling me that this will be the most exciting finale in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Of course they say that every time and the finales are usually weak. If this one answers the following questions it will actually be the best ever:
1. Is Jillian good looking? That is really the burning question this season. I can't figure it out, but I think I'm leaning towards her not being good looking. My assessment: nice chassis, bad helmet.
2. Is Ed really gay? I'm clearly in the yes camp. Someone told me that there is a rumor Ed has a girlfriend. Substitute girlfriend for boyfriend and I believe it.

Since we have the benefit of DVR, Jess and I will be flying through this episode. I hope you enjoy my running commentary more than Jess will.

I just finished some ice cream, have Izzy by my side and I'm ready to go:
(All times reflect DVR)

8:37: Recap of previous episodes. Blah, blah, blah. Jillian looks cute, then gross, then cries, Gay Ed talks about how important his parents are (which is a sure sign he's gay. No man over 30 really cares that much about his parents, no offense mom).
lots of fast forwarding...
8:50: more recapping, Jillian talking about all the drama, looking solemnly at the beach.
8:51: Jill talking about Ed's peen not working again. I hope they gave him a pile of money to consent to her constant references to his peen not working. Ed not helping his case by wearing a pink shirt unbuttoned far too low.

8:52: Ed claims to be excited but looks like he just found out Queer Eye was canceled. By the way, he walks super gay.

8:53: I wish I could figure out a time stamp, this is difficult. Jill's mom = not cute; that doesn't bode well for Jill's future. How did her cousin get the invite? She has barely spoken and I already hate her.

8:54: Ed recaps why he left, lies and says it is about his job, when it is really about him being gay. Seriously, if he's not gay, I don't know anything.

8:56: Jill's mom got on Wikipedia ala Micheal Scott for her interrogation techniques. Really bad questions. Ed answers like he is a contestant in "Mr. Gay ABC Reality Show Contestant."

8:57: Jill is fired up to be engaged. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter who asks, she is saying yes.

8:59: Ed's making eyes at Jill's dad. He is officially the creep of the week. Ed talks about wanting to propose. He has spent 4 hours with her alone. That is insane.

9:00: Ed crosses his leg like a lady. Seriously. I'm 100% on him now.

9:01: Random cousin stealing screen time. Ed in coconut bra: What the hell is going on here. My head might explode before I finish this blog.

9:02: Jessica says she wants to nominate me as the next bachelor so I can be part of a great TV show.

9:03: Kiptyn's date: lots of making out. They look weird kissing. His shirt is terrible. Another missed kiss. Get on the same page you two.

9:04: Family date 2: Jill hugs everyone like she hasn't seen them in months, when she just saw them. I guess they didn't commit to the order of dates. Kiptyn sounds a little gay. Hmmm, sensing a theme. Jill's dad has the same outfit and same Oakley glasses everyone had in 1994.

9:06: Jill's mom is facing forward, then turns her head to talk. It's freaking me out. Can't she turn her body towards him? Just incredibly awkward.

9:07: Cousin trying to steal scenes again. If I was Jill I would not have invited my better looking, attention starved cousin. I wish I could be on things like "Jill's crazy cousin made a pass at one of the cameramen for more screen time."

9:09: more making out. They really need to practice. Their kissing is truly uncomfortable.
fast forward....

9:10: recap dates: Cousin stealing time, just said "work orientat-ated" I love how Canadians pronounce things. Jill is lighting up about Ed asking to marry her. She so clearly wants a husband. That's not going to work out.

9:12: "looking for the right one to live the happily ever after with." The Cousin is awesome.

9:13: 1 on 1 with Cousin. Jill's going to talk about Ed's peen. Mark it down.

9:14: Yep, I win. She sparred his feelings a bit. Jill asks for a lightning bolt to help her decide, what she really needs is a boom box. Start playing The Village People and watch Ed rip off his shirt and dance. That's your sign.

fast forward:

9:15: Another pink shirt for Ed. Same ringer tank top. I can't take this anymore. Seriously.

9:16: Ed leans over, gives the gayest look possible. I can't stop laughing. Jessica pauses to allow me to capture the moment. The spot she paused adds another one to the "Jillian is not cute" column if you're scoring at home.

9:17: Jill and Ed in helicopter. She says "pumped" and "huge" over and over. Coincidence?

9:19: Special waterfall date: Ed says she could be one of his best guy friends: again, he's seen her for 5 hours at this point. Stop telling her what she wants to hear. He's gonna break her heart. Mark it down.

9:20: more lines to Jill. She's eating it up.

9:21: F me. Ed's wearing those f'ing short shorts again. Buy him some f'ing shorts ABC.

9:22: more talk of Ed's performance issues. Geez, these two need to stop making out. It's gross. I really think Ed is full of crap. It's one line after another.

9:23: Lights out, cut to volcano eruption. Very subtle ABC.

fast forward....

9:23: Kiptyn is better since he was appropriate shorts. Jill's one piece shirt/shorts one piece combo is awful. Weird Canadians. Jess says she had something similar when she was 4.

9:24: Kiptyn does lots of sit ups. Not sure how he has time for a job. Jess makes a good point: Jill likes Kiptyn since he's out of her league.

9:25: "Out in the middle of nowhwere" says Kiptyn. Sure, except for the 15 production/camera guys. Real intimate.

Sidebar: do you think that Jill sleeps with all these dudes? The production makes you think so, but I have my doubts.

9:27: Kiptyn needs to tell Jill to pick the heterosexual. That is what I would say if I were on the show.

9:28: Jill is swooning. Again, she wants to be married. "The things I've been waiting to hear" is the phrase of the night. I'm pretty sure I could meet her, tell her I love her and want to have hundreds of babies and she would be ready to marry me 5 minutes later.

9:29: Kiptyn tells us you have to be madly in love to propose. Glad he let us know. I wish I knew that when I proposed to Jessica.

9:31: Jill really needs a push up bra. I'm not trying to be rude, but goodness. It's absurd.

9:32: Jill doesn't love that Ed left her. Again, good to know. But Ed promises it won't happen again, so she believes it. In related news, I just sold Jill magic beans for 10 grand.

9:33: Kiptyn must own stock in a V-neck t-shirt company. He's selecting rings. I hate when they pretend they are buying the ring. We all know ABC foots the bill.

9:34: Ed may not be gay. He just used the same lotion on his face and arms. No gay dude would do that. What happens if they pick the same ring?
Ed picked a terrible ring. I may have been way off on the gay thing.

9:35: Kiptyn in a towel. He's going to dump her so he has more time for sit ups.

9:36: Ed in more short shorts. I'm going to send him some board shorts.

9:37: I will never understand how 2 dudes can show up and both want to propose. If Jess was dating another dude when she was dating me, I wouldn't have proposed the second she picked me. I wish someone would be honest about the process.

9:38: Harrison shows up for 5 seconds. He probably gets paid 6 figures per second of screen time. I want that gig.

fast forward...

9:39: My dream scenario: whoever she picks says he can't do it and leaves. That would be awesome.
Kiptyn is first out of the limo. His suit looks purple. He shall now be referred to as Grimace from here on out.

9:40: She looks happy to see Grimace. I don't believe it though. Kiptyn does a recap, which would be helpful if the past hour hadn't been a recap. Kiptyn spills his guts. Didn't he learn from Jason, don't commit until she picks you. Otherwise you look like a creeper.

9:41: Jill gives him a glowing review; I feel a giant but coming.... tears and BAM. She tells him she's in love with someone else. Grimace is not happy. But he's a man. Too bad he isn't 40. (OSU joke).

9:43: Jill is not talking this well. Grimace should push her in the pool. Again, that's what I would have done. Grimace drives away in the rejection limo. Tough day for cartoon mascots. Does he get to keep the ring? I would sell that thing.

9:44: Grimace recaps. Again, he should have just stood there, said, "What's it gonna be?" and waited to see if it was him.

fast forward....

9:46: Jill is excited to see Ed. She's even more excited to be engaged. Oh no. Red minivan. Reid's back. He's back to save her from the gay dude. Harrison claims Ed is literally on his way. BS.

9:48: Reid's rocking sneakers with a suit jacket. Not sure about that look. He claims he's going to propose. Why is she crying? Uh oh. Things just got interesting. Looks like ABC wasn't blowing smoke up my A by promising a dramatic finale.

9:49: Jessica is misunderstanding TV again and instructing Jill to pick Reid. He had to pull "a million strings" to be back. Or actually just make one call. Either way.

9:50: Reid says he was an idiot. I'm losing respect. He was normal, didn't tell her what she wanted to her, but came back to say he loves her. Poor Jill. 3 potential proposals. She can barely contain her glee.

9:51: So we are to believe she was ready to say yes to Ed, but Reid "unexpectadly" returns and it all changes? Shenanigans. Jill uses the word "undescribable." Yep, it's so undescribable that she just made up a word.

9:52: Yeah, Reid passed 8th grade and says "indescribable." Much better. Where's Ed? I want him to show up and try to beat up Reid.

9:53: Reid is on one knee? WTF? She makes him stand up. If only Reid was wearing uncomfortably short shorts.

9:54: Jill needs to think. Should she pick the nice, seemingly normal guy. Or the possible homosexual who loves short shorts, pink shirts and Judy Garland records. I only made up one of those.

fast forward...

9:56: Ed still driving to the location. Did his driver pretend to get lost? Oh, Harrison's back. Time to earn that money. I think Harrison could sway this one way or the other. I enjoy Harrison.

9:57: Jill wonders how to make a decision like this: easy, pick the one you like. Jill adds some more to the "Jill's not cute column."

9:58: Good to see they sprayed the walk way down again. That's why Reid is wearing sneakers. He didn't want to slip on the wood. Jill fell in love with someone in the 3 days since Reid left. Gross.

9:59: Jill's excited for Ed. Looks like big gay Ed is the winner. Jill is crazy about Reid, but still letting him go. She wonders if it is wrong. Yes, yes it is. If you "love" two people, you don't love any. Like the old saying with QB's, if you have 2, you really have 0.

10:00: Reid takes it well. He's your next bachelor America. She clearly likes him. I'm excited for October's US Weekly with the cover story about them being together and Ed living his dream of owning a Bed and Breakfast in Modesto with his partner Sergio.

10:02: What's up with the minivan? Did they blow the budget on all the helicopters this year. Super weak.

10:03: I'm sure Ed loves watching the woman he proposed to cryng sending other dudes home. Very similar to when I proposed to Jess. Jess was crying for very different reasons though since she realized she was about to be proposed to by me, which isn't great.

10:04: Someone get this girl a push up bra. She's now 110%. Jill just swore, so I'm liking her more.

fast forward... (Izzy is very bored by this. She keeps trying to get my attention. Do you people see the sacrifices I'm making?)

10:06: Ed arrives. Jill claims he is her best friend. She must not know anyone else. Is Ed's suit purple? Or eggplant? My TV color must be screwed up. Or I'm color blind.

10:07: Harrison is the best in the business at directing gay suitors toward the lonely woman they are going to propose to then disappoint horribly.

10:08: Ed's speech is well rehearsed. The cue cards must be well hidden. Jill's in love, the camera pans wide, Gregg wants to puke.

10:09: Weird kissing. Ed proposes. Good product shot. Jill squeals. And then squeals some more. Izzy is over this shit and sighs.

10:10: pan out and recap of all Ed's dates. Over/under on short shots: 3.
Maybe that is why she likes him, they can share shorts.

10:11: 1; 2; 3; 4; He looks so uncomfortable hugging her. 5; Well rehearsed run off the stage.
10:12: After the Final Rose tomorrow. I cannot wait.

That's a wrap. Jessica is back to reading Twilight and I'll be back to writing about Carolla.

Thanks for reading and for understanding any and all spelling/grammar/syntax errors, although unless this is your first time to read, you should expect it. Until next time, Mahalo.

I Win!

2009-07-22T17:11:00.006-05:00

Well, it finally happened. I won the bet. Time to celebrate supporters of my righteous quest. Jessica actually conceded the bet on Friday at our rehearsal dinner as she presented me with an autographed picture of Ace. The picture will be prominently displayed at my office as soon as I go back to work.

It is totally disorienting to be able to speak of Ace freely once again. I'm still not totally comfortable with the idea, but much to the chagrin of Jessica I'll probably get used to it soon. Jessica is "making" me watch SYTYCD once again and Ellen is a guest judge. I'm reminded of Ace's statements about when a comedian goes on a show with humorless people and seems hilarious. It's happening right now to the point that I even chuckled a bit at her corny jokes. It's not good.

In lieu of some great Ace stories, I wanted to share my favorite Jessica story of weekend. To set the scene, we were staying at a lovely resort on Marco Island. As part of the stay, we could charge items to our room account instead of cash. That scenario worked brilliantly until Jessica decided to venture out on her own for some Pringles and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Here's where it gets funny: The lady at the gift shop asked if Jessica was old enough to be authorized to make purchases on her own or if there was someone there with her that could do it. Jessica informed her she was on her honeymoon and the purchase was allowed. Even though it was allowed, Jessica didn't help her cause by signing her name like a 4 year old. She still isn't used to her new last name and screws up the last 2 letters. I told her it is probably because the last 2 letters are the same as her previous name, but in a different order. I say without hesitation that when I told her this, it was the first time it had occurred to her so I think we have turned the corner on the issue. I'm sure Jessica's selections didn't help create the impression that she was old, but certainly old enough to be authorized on a hotel account. I'm not sure how to feel about all this. On one hand it means I have a hot young bride (which Jessica reminds me of often) but on the other I'm afraid it makes me the old creepy guy. I already know that Jess is too good looking for me, but I don't want to add the old creep on top of that. I guess it is a high class problem to have so I shouldn't complain.

I had a moment of inspiration with my previously detailed plan for a Journey cover band made up of my male children (and nephews if necessary). I have a name: The Journey Boys! That is pure gold. I'm going to start working on t-shirts right now. I'm thinking that the combination of the name and cuteness of 5 brothers singing songs from the 70's will overcome their very probable lack of musical ability. I'm taking investors right now.

I promise more Ace related updates soon. Until then, Mahalo!

The Bachlorette Live Blog

2009-07-13T20:53:00.003-05:00

Jess and I are watching The Bachlorette on DVR, so this isn't technically live, but I'm blogging anyway. Jessica thinks that no one needs to hear my running commentary live, but I disagree. And I'm sure at least 2 of you agree. This will probably remind Melissa of when we lived together and I gave her my running commentary on a regular basis. Jessica usually requests I be quiet. Please excuse the grammar and spelling errors, but if you are a frequent reader I imagine you are prepared for that.

We pick up with Ed's date:

8:55: Ed shorts. Holy crap. If he had any package it would be hanging out of those.
8:56: Ed sitting like a lady on the couch. Again, if he was working with even a bit of a unit it would be hanging out of those shorts. Ed may be gay.

8:58: Ed's dad apparently just shaves the middle of his mustache. It's an interesting look.
8:59: The humitity of Hawaii is not doing Jillian any favors.
8:59: Jillian in the confessional: ABC must be cutting their budget since the make up crew apparently did Jillian's make up in a wind tunnel and followed it up with a bad haircut.
9:00: Ed on the beach: His short shorts are creepy. His ass is hanging out of them. I think he stole those trunks from a 14 year old cheerleader.

Thankful for a commercial

9:01: Jillian's face continues to confound. Not her best night.
9:02: I'm pretty sure Ed is gay. He has a 1000 yard stare at all times. If not gay, for sure not attracted to her.
9:03: Ed's emotional speech did not include one look at Jillian. Not a great sign. The humidity is also not great for Ed's hair.
9:04: Wow, a bachlorette first: The guy has never felt this way. BS. Unless if by this way he means "falling for a horse face on national TV."
9:05: Ed's nervous because he is gay.
9:05: How has Jillian's boob not popped out. Magic tape?

9:06: The lights come back on. Uh oh. Ed's peen doesn't work. Could it be because he's gay and Jillian is not cute.

9:07: I just hope we don't have a deleted scene that reminds me of Boogie Nights with Ed trying to turn things around so to speak.

9:08: Jessica is trying to talk crap about Carolla saying he and Ed share a problem. I want to remind her that Ace masturbates constantly, but don't want to lose the bet.

9:09: Jillian recaps dates with Chris. Boring. Unneccesary. Simply a way to fill time.

9:09: I am asking Jessica to fast forward. She does not listen.

9:10: Hooray for Jessica. She fast forwarded for me.

9:11: Recap of Jillian's ultimatum to Reid. And she wonders why she's still single. The guy was honest and is not a loon who wants to get married to a chick he met on TV 4 weeks ago.

9:12: Poor Ed. Why must we recap his peen's inability to function. She's trying to make excuses for him. Sorry honey, he's just gay. It wasn't the pressure.

9:14: Special recaps from the boys. I'm not sure what they see in her. She goes from cute to gross in every other shot. These guys are so full of crap.

9:15: I want to be watching the Home Run Derby, but since I love Jessica I'm watching this.

9:16: Ed not helping himself by rocking white pants and a light blue coat to the elimination. One of the dudes gave him the side eye. That's my new fave.

9:17: Ed says he loves her. Is it because she looks like a man? Possibly.
9:17: 2 of the candid poses feature a guy with his hands on his own ass. I don't understand this show.

9:18: Back from commercial: I just want this to end quickly.
9:18: Ed's outfit makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why he thought that was a good plan. He needs a new stylist.

9:19: Honest moment: Jillian's dress would look much better if she wasn't built like an 11 year old boy. ABC needs to step it up and offer her enhancement surgery.

9:20: Jillian tells Ed he looks good. Canadians are nuts, no offense ACG.

9:21: Jillian is confused. She's wondering what happened to his peen. I'm now screaming "He's gay," at the TV. It's not helping.

9:23: Dramatic music. Kipton gets a rose. Just once I want to see one of the guy's refuse the rose. That would be sweet.

9:24: I can feel it going to Gay Ed.

9:24: Big Gay Ed for the win! I knew it. He should whisper that his peen is working right now... Wink, wink. Then give her a thumbs up.

9:25: Reid is gone. Down to a guy with a weird name and a gay one. Good times.
9:25: Poor Reid. He's doing an awesome job positioning himself as the next Bachelor.

9:26: He's apologizing for being normal. So stupid. She kept a dude cause he said he loved her even though he is quite clearly gay. And got rid of one that just didn't think falling in love on TV in 3 weeks was what he wanted.

9:27: Dramatic music. Jillian looks like she thinks she screwed up.

9:28: Jillian crying on the bench of solitude. Her crying in HD? You guessed it, not a good look.

9:29: If this show were an 80's movie Reid would be the misunderstood rich guy that breaks the poor girls heart but redeems himself at the end. I want the limo to turn around and make this a John Hughes ending.

9:30: She cries like this but thinks she loves the remaining guys? Weird.

9:30: Guy with weird name is just looking into space. Gay guy comes to comfort her. You can always count on the gay guys to be sensitive.

9:30: Stop the limo. It would have been an awesome moment.

9:31: Finally over. Thank goodness. I am really happy that we will finally get an update about Jason, who was the most boring, obnoxious dude ever on TV.

9:32: Unexpected confession: Ed reveals he's gay? You heard it here first.

Thanks for reading. I'm sure this gives you some insight on what Jessica puts up with nightly and makes you feel sorry for her.

Secret Fears

2009-07-08T20:38:00.003-05:00

Before we explore Jimmy Kimmel's transcendent performance on the podcast, I need to unburden my soul about one of my secret fears. For some reason every time I drop off a movie at Blockbuster I'm secretly afraid that there will be some masked man in the store robbing it. I convince myself that this masked man will see me and have no choice but to eliminate the only witness to his crimes. (Clearly there is a reason I haven't spoken of this before since it is pure nonsense and insane). Well, today as I dropped off JCVD I noticed that the outer door was off the store. There was a handwritten note on the second door saying that the store was closed. These unusual circumstances coupled with my already unreasonable fear and tendency for drama made me nervous. That was before I dropped my movie into the slot and saw a guy in a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor. I freaked out. Why was there a dude sleeping in Blockbuster? I have no idea and frankly don't want to know. It's rather terrifying and I would like to forget it happened at all. I will sooner willingly walk into the reptile section of the zoo than return to that Blockbuster.

Jimmy Kimmel was on with Ace and it was magical. The highlight was without a doubt Kimmel talking about his latest prank on one of his writers, Mike August. The back story was that Mike made a citizens arrest of a drunk driver. This inspired Kimmel to design a prank claiming that Mike earned Burbank's "Citizen of the Month" award for his heroics. Obviously such an award doesn't exist. But Kimmel made mock stationary, used actual city officials names and even had his son change his outgoing voicemail to impersonate the city official, with strict instructions to not answer calls from numbers he didn't know. The victim totally bought the prank. He was set to be honored at a ceremony at city hall and called to confirm his attendance. The problem was when Mike called Kimmel's son to confirm. Kimmel's son had passed his earlier tests without incident, but on this occasion the victim called from Kimmel's office, so his son picked up since it was his father's number. It's terrible that the prank didn't work out, but it was a great idea. Kimmel is the worst kind of deviant prankster: He's a comedic genius, he's tireless and he has lots of money. That's really a pretty unstoppable combination.
Actually, it reminds me of my office prankster Andy, minus the money. Andy's latest victim was co-worker Amy, who was expecting a ball gown via Fed Ex. Andy enjavascript:void(0)ded up stealing a Fed Ex box, creating a fake shipping invoice that indicated the dress was out of stock but that many other customers viewed the alternate dress being shipped as an acceptable substitute, going to goodwill and purchasing an alternate dress that looked like a table cloth and even convincing co-worker Amy's loyal assistant that the fake package was the real one. It was an amazing plan, save for one small detail. Co-worker Amy apparently cannot use adult scissors and unknowingly cut herself on the fake package, then proceeded to bleed on her real dress. It did not end well for any one in the office, even those of us who were uninvolved.

The countdown to the money is now at 10 days. All 4 of you loyal readers are invited to celebrate my victory at an as of yet undetermined bar in OKC. I'll use some of my winnings buying drinks for everyone but Jessica.

Gregg Out!

Ace's Friends

2009-07-07T19:25:00.005-05:00

I don't even know where to begin. Ace had Chris, Donny and Ray all on the podcast. They are all completely out of their minds and I cannot imagine what it would have been like growing up with guys like that. I've written about Chris peeing on people and Ray throwing his own feces at Ace before. Today was the first time they have all been on the podcast together and it was magic. I made the mistake of choosing to listen at the gym this morning. The result: Gregg bench pressing and laughing so hard he almost dropped the bar. I was so disruptive that Jess heard me laughing through her headphones and gave me the most confused look I've ever seen. I explained I was listening to a podcast of comedic geniuses and she seemed to understand. I will say that the hard core people that go to the gym at 6 a.m. were not amused by my behavior.

The part of the podcast that made me laugh out loud was the discussion of Ray and his complete lack of social etiquette. I guess Ray would frequently ask fat people why they were fat, ask people with zits if they were trying to grow a horn and even asked his mother who had the bigger penis between his father and step-father. What a maniac. Each of the guys also told stories about how Ray would reveal their secrets to other people. Everyone can relate to that. I have never met anyone that hasn't talked crap about someone to a buddy, then have that same buddy repeat what you said to the person. It's miserable. And from the stories it seems that Ray did it all the time. If he wasn't super big and strong I think he would have gotten his ass kicked routinely.

Jessica isn't here so I am enjoying The State. I find it a little concerning that my sense of humor at 14 and at 30 is not that different. That probably says something terrible about me.

As an homage to Arthur, G-Lyte out!

Harry Seaward and Bob Marley Songs

2009-07-06T12:57:00.007-05:00

I had two tough moments this holiday weekend. The first was Jessica's lame attempt at making me lose the bet by talking about Harry Seaward. If you are a faithful reader you already know about my penchant for repetition, so even though I'm sure I've written about this before I'm going to do it again anyway. Harry Seaward is Ace's favorite new joke name and a caller to the old radio show paged Harry in a casino. It was a hilarious moment and led to me naming my fantasy teams in Harry's honor. Well Jessica thought it would be funny to bring this up recently since she knows I can't stop laughing whenever it comes up. She starting begging me to tell her the origins of Harry Seaward. Told me that she could tell I wanted too and that I would feel so much better if I did. In the words of Charlie Murphy, Wrong. To make matters worse I wanted to talk about Ace's mission to have someone come up with a fake name using N-word. Well, the same visionary who had Harry Seaward paged called in to say he had Grady Enword paged at the same casino. It's not as good as Harry, but it's still solid.

The other moment happened in the middle of the lake when the song "We Be Jammin" came on the radio. Ace always rails against Bob Marley and his terrible songs. Bob may actually have the clubhouse lead over Hall and Oates and The Eagles in Ace's bad song department. (Quick tangent: My brother once confided in me that he thought Daryl Hall was the Mexican in Hall and Oates since he couldn't imagine a blonde headed guy named Daryl Hall. It always cracks me up thinking about that whenever "Maneater" comes on the radio.) Anyway, "We Be Jammin" came on and my first instinct was to discuss what a miserable song it was with Jessica and her parents. Thankfully I held it in. But seriously, that song does suck. I imagine the only way you could enjoy the experience of listening to it would be to get as high as the Marley was when he made it. In the same rant Ace also mentioned how confusing the song "I Shot The Sheriff" was. He couldn't figure out if both the sheriff and the deputy were dead. If there were other casualties? I am not sure he was serious about it, since as best I can tell the song describes this scenario: Sheriff shoots deputy over some dispute, man happens upon scene, sheriff is going to kill man for seeing said scene and man shoots sheriff in self-defense. Hopefully Ace was going for comedic effort and not genuinely confused. If you were going to deconstruct song lyrics for meaning, I'm guessing "I Shot The Sheriff" is pretty high on the ease of understanding list, probably between "The Humpty Dance" and "She's Like the Wind."

I am a little disappointed about how much you all enjoyed "Jessica's" post. Several people told me it was the funniest entry that has ever appeared on this site. My fragile ego cannot handle this type of talk. Co-worker Amy led the charge and that is why she will remain co-worker Amy. Fiancee Jessica also said it was funnier than my usual nonsense, which is why she may soon no longer be fiancee Jessica.

One final note, my copy of The State came today and Jessica doesn't think it's funny. She would have you believe that this isn't funny? Or this? My heart cannot take this nonsense. Can I buy her a sense of humor on Ebay?

Only 12 days until I win the bet. Does that mean the end of the blog? We shall see. Until next time, Mahalo.

Setting the record straight by Jessica

2009-07-01T10:16:00.006-05:00

Gregg offered me a chance to post a message since I constantly complain about how much he exaggerates things that I say and downplays his own behavior. Now, since I don't have the time nor energy to write the 10,000 words it would take to refute all of Gregg's misstatements, I'll just hit the highlights.

The biggest misconception is that I force Gregg to watch all the shows he always complains about. He loves "So You Think You Can Dance," no matter what he will tell all of you. Loves it. He claims it is just because he has a crush on Cat Deely and likes when she adds an "r" at the end of a name that ends with "a" (his favorite is Tabithar; he repeats it at least 3 times every time she says it and giggles like a 9 year old). He also gets upset with me when I delete "One Tree Hill" from the DVR. He says he just likes the music, but that is a lie. Hopefully none of you believe his lies.

Gregg also makes fun of my taste in comedy, but let me ask you, how would you like to be woken up multiple times a week by Gregg asking you to watch a clip from a show filmed 20 years ago. It's not fun. He'll make me sit through 45 minutes of movies like "The Cable Guy" for one particular scene that he thinks is funny. God forbid we fast forward to the scene. He claims that ruins the effect of the scene if you don't watch the back story. He also makes me watch Arrested Development over and over. He loves pointing out the subtle jokes, like I've slept through the episode the first 5 times. See, it's not pleasant.

I don't think any of you understand how much he used to talk about Carolla. It was at least 5 times a day. I would know more about what happened on Carolla's show than what happened in his day. Now, instead of telling me about Carolla, he sits on the computer and laughs to himself as he types this blog. I promise you, none of you are as amused by this blog as him. It's really sad. But a Carolla-free house has been wonderful. Unfortunately, he has replaced his Carolla talk with Simmons and Dameshek talk. I'm actually considering a Carolla/Simmons/Dameshek bet with him. I would have to pay way more than $1000 for him to do it though. Even if that bet happens, he'll just replace that talk with talk of Arrested Development and The State. I'm not sure which is worse.

Gregg also has the tendency to state as absolute truth any opinion he holds about any book/movie/music. He'll tell you that you are "an insane abomination" if you don't think "The Catcher In the Rye" is the best book ever. He probably won't even discuss it with you. Should you happen to like The Eagles, you apparently are dumb and like music for idiots. The list goes on and on. He'll be shocked when I don't agree with him and go on for 15 minutes about how I must be crazy. It's always the same though, it's either the best thing ever, or so bad he can't comprehend it. Nothing was ever just so so. For once I want him to see a movie and say it was average. I don't think it's ever happened.

I could continue, but the longer I go, the longer response I will have to deal with tonight.
J-Mac out!

Gooooood Morning, Welcome to Starbucks...

2009-06-30T09:11:00.006-05:00

Am I the only one that can't stand the condescending Starbucks baristas? Now any faithful reader will certainly questions whether or not this is a faithful representation of what happened given my tendancy to exagerrate, but I promise it is a close as I can remember.
Scene: Gregg pulls into drive thru at Starbucks:
Starbucks Smug Ass Employee (SSAE): Goooood Mooorningggg, and welcome to Starbucks on this finnnne morning. Can I get you a (something that sounded gross and I wasn't paying attention) started?
G: No thanks, I'll just have (the drink I ordered; some things must remain private).
SSAE: Cannn I offer you an extra shot of espresso in that to put in extra pep in your step this mooorningggg?
G: No thanks.
SSAE: Wellll, unless I can offer you something to eat, your total is $4.74, I'll seee you at the window. (and mind you all of this is dripping with sarcasm to the point that I feel uncomfortable as a customer).

Are all of them like this? Is there a corporate mandate to be assey to customers? Either way, not a fan. If I'm paying five bucks for my coffee, I just want the coffee. I don't need the guy making me feel like a jerk or trying to amuse himself with all his other buddies in the store. Plus every single jerky in there has the most obvious and played out "personalities." Yeah, real edgy and cool to have the exact same tattoo, haircut and piercings as all the other douchers you work with. Stop trying to cultivate a personality and pour my drink.

Enough ranting about Starbucks, on to some good stuff. None other than David Cross was on Ace's podcast. As we've covered in previous installments, Jessica hates David Cross. Jessica's taste in comedy is the only thing wrong with her. She was making fun of me the other day for my love of the movie "The Cable Guy." I don't care what anyone says, it's hilarious. Any movie where Matt Broderick tries to play a straight guy is the highest of comedy. Jess also can't remember any details of the Big Lebowski (thus never laughs when I tell her she is out of her element or that fill in the blank isn't Nam, there are rules), doesn't laugh at Fletch and can't comprehend why I think Monty Python and The Holy Grail is the funniest movie ever. So yeah, her taste in comedy is not to be trusted.

The best part of the Cross podcast was Ace ranting about LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (born Antonio Ramon Villar, Jr.). Any Ace fan knows that Ace hates Villaraigosa and constantly refers to him as Villa-Retardo. Ace covered his usual reasons for why he hates Villaraigosa including that he combined his last name with his wife's, his terrible legislation and his predilection for humping Telemundo reporters that aren't his wife. The humping Telemundo reporters is always my favorite. But today he brought up something I didn't know before. Villa-Retardo also attended an unaccredited law school in California and failed the bar 4 times. It is embarrasing that the mayor of the second biggest city in the US couldn't pass the bar, even after 4 attempts. I guess he gave up his quest after 4. Just for comedy's sake he should go for No. 5. They can run TV ads encouraging him and everything. David Cross was legitimately horrified by his failing 4 times and wondered why they let you take the test that many times and suggested that after 3 failures they just hand you a DMV job application. Ace took it one hilarious step further and suggested the test proctor comes over to you after your 3rd failure, breaks your No. 2 pencil across his knee, then sends you on the walk of shame out of the room. I really like that plan. I will admit that the bar passage rate in California is only 50%, but good night, after 4 times you should figure it out. My sister Melissa helped me and my sister study for the bar and I'm confident if you gave her another week of study she could pass and she didn't go to law school.

Since I haven't included any links yet, here you go: And no worries, it's not a Journey video this time.

Overload

2009-06-25T19:40:00.005-05:00

Today is too much for me. Dr. Drew on with Ace and the NBA draft. It's all too much. I'm pretty sure this whole entry will devolve into nonsense.

The best part of Ace and Drew was an unfortunate topic. They decided to discuss Donny (Ace's engineer) and his masturbation habits. It was fairly terrible but hilarious at the same time. It's always enjoyable to hear Drew remind Ace of his statement that sex is ok, but not as good as the real thing (masturbation). That's hilarious.
Now some draft talk:
I'm depressed over OKC's pick. I'm not sure I want a guy in a bow tie with the 3rd pick. I'm a little disappointed with the suits this year. Seems like an awful lot of guys visited Men's Warehouse for the $99 special and look like salespeople. I demand my NBA draft picks wear absurd pinstripes, shiny fabric and giant chains. This looking like working class 45 year olds is garbage.

I wish I was clever enough for a live blog since they just showed Larry Bird on TV and I got all fired up. I just got even more fired up since Larry picked my boy Tyler Hansbrough. My head is spinning, both because of the pick and the beer I've been drinking.

In addition to Drew and the Draft, today I spent the smartest 42.99 of my life. I bought all 4 seasons of The State. I am absolutely delighted. The State was the funniest show on TV and I cannot understand why more people didn't watch. Apparently millions of people watch According to Jim and no one remembers The State. That makes me want to move to the Lost island. Simply compare the first results on Youtube and tell me which is better:
Jim
or
The State

That matchup is as one sided as the Globetrotters v. Generals. I am going to have to petition Barry for a cabinet spot to be the commissioner of taste for America. First order of business, all of William Fitzsimmons cd's, the complete series of Arrested Development and this will be shipped to all houses. I'm pretty sure the economy would turn around in hours.

It's probably time to end this post. It's terrible even compared to my usual low standards. Until next time, Mahalo.

$1000 will soon be mine

2009-06-22T21:02:00.004-05:00

I have really started thinking about what I should buy with the $1000. I have a few thoughts and need your help to decide.
Before we get to that, have you all seen the most recent comment? Someone claimed to have been part of the most amazing video ever. He also said they are in fact brothers. To up the ante, their dad is also part of it. Simply unbelievable. I really hope he isn't playing with my emotions. I cannot overstate how excited I am about this. I finally may get the answers to all my questions. I have a new question: it says that the video won 2nd place at a film festival. My question is what in the hell was better? Anything short of this video beating it is just completely unreasonable. And if it is all some cruel ploy on the part of some reader, just know it made my day anyway.

Ace had Joel McHale on today along with a celebrity BBQ specialist. As a protest I am not going to use any of the great techniques they talked about until Jessica admits that she loves Carolla. Until then, she will be missing out on some great BBQ.
Ace also had Ken Jeong on last week, who is better known as the "Naked Asian Guy" from The Hangover or the guy in the spandex unitard in "What's It Gonna Be.".(Language is not safe for my mother). He was hilarious. He revealed that he is an actual doctor as well. I started thinking about what would happen if his acting career fails and he has to go back to being a doctor, how strange would it be to have him as your doctor? I don't think I could take him seriously since I would be thinking about the scene in The Hangover when he jumps out of the car nude. The nude scene was his decision which was a bold choice considering his small penis. The best part of the discussion was Ace's questions to Ken: Did you consider chubbing up prior to the shot? That's a great question. I don't know why Ken wouldn't. If I knew I was going to be nude on screen, I would certainly make sure I could be proud of my performance. If you haven't seen the movie, just know that Ken should not be proud. It also reminded me of one of my favorite Ace related father tips. He was talking about how every son eventually sees his father nude, so it is best for the father to prepare prior so he impresses his son. Ace thinks it is vitally important to portray a strong image to your son, and I concur. It also sends a message to your son that he won't get laughed at in the locker room as a youngster.

Now to the important stuff: Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watches. I have a few in mind should I win the bet.
Option 1;
Option 2;
Option 3; or
Option 4 (4 times over; you must click that link. It's hilarious. And if you don't think so, you dear reader are a doucher supreme).
I am thinking I need to make Jessica go shopping with me when I look at watches. I really want to see the look on her face as I try on watches that are more expensive than she is comfortable with. I am open to suggestions of other things that I should buy. Please let me know if you have good ideas.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Journey Videos

2009-06-18T20:38:00.007-05:00

I guess it is possible that some of you aren't obsessed with Journey like I am. While I find this insane, I will try to accommodate your odd tastes. But today is not that day. I think I have watched the shot for shot remake of Separate Ways at least 5 times today.

I have some thoughts while watching it yet again. First, wonderful job recreating the location. I can't imagine where they found a random warehouse with all the right elements. They didn't have enough random machinery at the 2:21 mark and there is no water at the 2:33 mark, but otherwise spot on. Also thier version of the 80's fox is not foxy at all. They could have done much better. Any shortcoming in the scenery are erased by the Steve Perry character's performance. He steals every scene he is in, especially at the 1:00 mark. And where in the hell did he get an exact replica shirt? I demand a follow up video explaining these questions.

Like almost anything amazing, over analysis leads to finding small flaws. There are two that stick out at me. The first is the facial hair of both the guitarist and drummer fall off at different times. It's almost like they only had enough tape for 1 take and had to play through it. However, if it was an artistic choice for comedy's sake, I applaud the move. Yet another reason why we need a follow up video. The other part that frustrates me is that it is the fake Steve Perry in bed at the end instead of the vaguely attractive 80's girl. Again, if it was a choice for comedy's sake, well done. I must imagine that it was because it wasn't like they couldn't have had un-foxy 80's fox come back for one more scene.

As I was watching it for the 3rd time today I had a thought about the guys: I think they all look very similar and wondered if they are 5 brothers. If they are, my mind is officially blown. They would be the coolest brothers of all time. (Edging out Frank and Sly Stallone, Don and Pat Swayze, Ozzie and Jose Canseco and Steve and Jean-Claude Van Damme). I always said I wanted to have 5 boys close in age so they could be their own basketball team. Now, I want to have 5 boys and force them to recreate Journey videos. It's a pretty great dream.

Carolla related news today. I was walking past the receptionist desk today and some girls were discussing their list of 5 celebrities they could have romantic relations with free of consequence (from that Friends episode). This topic came up once on Carolla and he suggested that you don't pick celebrities, but instead people that you actually run into with some frequency. His theory is that on the off chance that you actually met one of the celebrities there is no chance they would actually be into you. So, he says you should put the nanny, the Starbucks girl, etc on the list since that is far more likely. He also advocates putting generic categories, like Starbucks girl, and not proper names. I was eager to share Carolla's theory with the ladies, but was certain they would not be amused. I am also fairly confident that Jess would not find this funny. Good thing she doesn't read this anymore.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Team Jessica?

2009-06-17T10:13:00.008-05:00

Is anyone out there still on Team Jessica? (please indicate allegiance in the comments) If you are, I hope you realize that it is like cheering for the Washington Generals when they play the Globetrotters. Sure, it makes you feel good for cheering for the team with no chance and if they somehow win you get to feel special for having faith. But 99.99% of the time you are cheering for the side destined to fail. That is Team Jessica. If you want to cheer for a winner, stick with Team Gregg. We are bringing this bet home.

Ace had Artie Lange on the podcast. First, Artie claims to have been sober for 2 and 1/2 months. Anyone who has seen his performance on Joe Buck's HBO show will beg to differ. He was clearly out of his mind. He went on to talk about how he hates David Cross. How. Dare. You. Jessica also hates David Cross (For Shame!) so she and that booze addled slob Artie have something in common. There is still time to reconsider team Jessica. Considering she shares opinions with this clown and I share opinions with this visionary, I think the choice is clear.

One of my favorite Ace related moments was his discussion of how he can't tell if guys are gay anymore. He has famously said that the only reason people make such a big deal about celebrities, like Lance Bass and Clay Aiken's sexuality is because they are so clearly gay that it throws people off when they say they are straight. As soon as they come out as gay, everything goes back to normal and no one cares. The other problem is guys with jobs that are usually staffed by gay guys (hair dresser, flight attendant, etc) now have to go out of their way to prove they aren't gay. Ace riffed that he doesn't want to come on a plane and listen to the straight male flight attendant talk about all the hot tail on the plane just to prove he's straight. His solution was simple: Just like NFL teams put a red jersey on the QB so the defense doesn't hit him in practice, the straight guys need a special uniform. I think it is a solid idea, too bad it has zero chance of actually happening.

Since I haven't posted much lately I figured you guys were all missing my special links. Well, here you go:
1
2
and
3

If you guessed that all three links were Journey related, you win. I think that Barry needs to hire the geniuses in #2 to fix the economy. If those guys can recreate the funniest video of all time, I'm pretty sure they can fix the economy in a week. I cannot even describe how insane I would go to meet one of those guys, especially the keyboard player, who really captures the essence of the original. I would buy them drinks and talk about that 4 minute video for 4 hours. And if you didn't watch the video and laugh, you my dear friend are an AK level d-bag. Deal with it.

Jess and I were at the mall to look at watches today and I decided to eat lunch in the food court. I saw something really troubling. I saw a 50-ish year old man, who if I had to bet has some sort of computer or accounting job reading a book. Normal enough, except the title of the book was The Dragon Reborn. Why would an old man read that crap in public? He should have taken a page from Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II when he uses the jacket for the Sports Almanac to hid his copy of Oh La La. Just thinking about Marty McFly dejectedly saying, "Oh La la? Oh La La," is cracking me up. Hopefully I am not alone in that.

Co-worker Amy: here's your special video shout out: Enjoy. Seriously between the guys that did that video and the Journey guys, we could land on Mars next Tuesday. Too bad they spend all their time making awesome vidoes.

Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!

100 Days down... easy money

2009-06-10T20:16:00.011-05:00

It's been 100 days. Obviously it has been a test to not speak of Carolla's genius in my own home. I think it has been even harder for Jessica to not have the joy of Carolla everyday. Fortunately for her, the self imposed Carolla ban is almost over. Too bad for her that means I will be $1000 richer.

Before I get to my thoughts on Bill Simmons appearance, there is a new poll inspired by ACG's request. The contestants are our favorite Philly socialite Arthur Kade, the original internet douche John Fitzgerald Page, John Mayer and Jessica herself for her disdain of all things Ace. For anyone that is not familiar with JFP, please go visit his website. He takes ridiculousness to unprecedented levels. And he is completely serious. So, vote early and often and lets settle who the biggest doucher is once and for all.

Ace is famous for beginning broadcasts by saying, "Get it on. Must get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: Get it on." Very apropos for his podcast with Simmons. (Mom, it's time to stop reading). For whatever reason, Simmons decided it was time to talk about porn, specifically, um.... fluid??? This led them to talk about which is worse, a scene with copious amounts of... fluid that is clearly fake.(Ace had a great line; "By the 8th salvo you are just insulting my intelligence) Or a scene with actual fluid. They both seemed to think that the real was better. They both have daughters and I think they should have said that they would rather kill themselves than choose. That did lead to an interesting discussion about what is the worst possible job for your daughter. Ace posed the following hypothetical to Simmons:
Your daughter is going to work at a topless only, no lap dance strip club. She can either:
a. be a stripper
b. be a slightly overweight girl who cleans the pole.

For some reason Simmons chose the stripper. Shocking. But it is an interesting question. I feel that I will have failed as a father if my daughter has any job that involves taking anything off, includes french fries, requires a stage name or has recently been given a churched up name (custodial engineer v. janitor). Ace is fond of saying that you can't really screw up boys too much since they just want to keep to themselves and be left alone. But with girls, you have to be careful. If you aren't a good dad, the girl will turn into a demon and ruin your life.

(Alright mom, it's safe to return)
Someone asked me today if I had Ace driver covers for my golf clubs. I wish! So, if someone out there likes knitting things, keep the Ace driver covers in mind for any gift baskets you send me.

Jessica is forcing me to watch So You Think You Can Dance right now. Bad times at the house. Currently two people in pajamas are dancing to a Richard Marx song. But I did have another Ace moment. One of the choreagraphers is named Mandy Moore. No, not that Mandy Moore. It reminded me of a game Ace used to play about people with the same name. I am not sure the Mandy Moore on SYTYCD and my former crush Mandy Moore could be more different. Once again, the Ace ban is robbing Jessica of great conversation.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Micheal McDonald? Really? The one with the beard?

2009-06-02T20:20:00.007-05:00

I know, it's been to long since we have had an update. Well, Bill Simmons is the guest today and as soon as I listen to it, there will be a lengthy recap.

In the meantime, I have to discuss a personal issue that has really bothered me over the past few days. We have some new law clerks at the firm. I was enjoying getting to know them over a beer a few days back, when one of them said; "The Michael McDonald concert I went to in December was the best night of my life." Wait, what? He later claimed to be kidding around, but still claimed it was the best concert he has ever been to. As one who is prone to hyperbole I was still shocked by this statement. Worse still, he sent me videos the next day of what he deemed the choicest bits Mike has to offer. These are the actual videos he sent me: 1, 2 and 3. (Advance warning: Please do not click on these. I know many of you don't click the links for fear of another Journey video or Larry Bird tribute but both of those are infinitely better than the preceding links). I'll admit that aside from my love of Journey, I'm a music snob. My response to his statement was an Ace like rant about how Mike is a destructive musical force and seems to actively try to write unlistenable songs. I borrowed Ace's theory about how the Eagles split up just to inflict more damage and applied it to Mike's career, which works quite well. I have been racking my brain for 5 days straight and cannot imagine a life where the best night I'd ever had featured Mike McDonald. I think it's time for the offending clerk to get out in the world and top his evening with McDonald. Off the top of my head, nights that would top a McDonald concert include:
1. Sitting in a dark room alone;
2. a concert by the Starlight Vocal Band;
3. a night of television programmed by Jessica (The Hills, So You Think You Can Dance, 90210, Grey's Anatomy, etc); and
4. seeing a Mike McDonald cover band.

In other news of interest to me alone, Arthur Kade was a guest on Danny Partridge's radio show. For those of you that don't know, Danny Partridge used to be Ace's sidekick on the radio show. Thankfully for me, this was from before I started listening. Whenever he got brought up on the show, Ace would always reference how Danny would take his shirt off for no reason at all and always smelled like nicotine and Axe body spray. For some reason an aging former child star being described as smelling like Axe body spray always delighted me. Anyway, I downloaded the Kade segment and cannot wait to listen to it. I'm sure Bonaduce destroys Kade and calls him out for pretending he's not gay.

Look out for the big Simmons podcast update soon. Until then, Mahalo.

We all danced.... Kade Style

2009-06-01T08:58:00.006-05:00

Happy Monday everyone. I had several notable Carolla moments with Jessica this weekend. We were traveling to Boston for my cousin's wedding. (Big shout out to Scotty and Laura). Actually, I already gave them a shout out at a townie bar after the wedding. Too bad they weren't there yet. I gave an inspired speech anyway as a ridiculous DJ gave me the stink eye. When I first asked if I could give a shout out he told me that he wasn't a DJ, he was an entertainer and he didn't do that. 5 minutes later he changed his mind and granted me access to the stage, and yes it was actually a stage. Since I didn't think he would look kindly on a postponement I soldiered on. Did I mention the entertainer was wearing a pink ruffled shirt and custom bell bottoms with special pink flaps on the bottom. And he played actual records. It was an outstanding time.

I really wanted to have a nice Carolla moment with Jess as we were waiting for our flight back to Oklahoma City. There were several people pressing forward to board the plane and Jess turned to me to remark how dumb it was for people to want to get on the plane so early when it doesn't leave until we are all there. One of my favorite Carolla rants is when he yells about first class travel. His complaint is that they let you on the plane early and every person that passes gives you a disgusted look as they board. In return the airline gives you nothing. I always laugh when Ace says all he wants is 2 dollars worth of booze while he waits, but of course that is against the rules.

My other thought whenever I fly deals with the emergency exit row. My friend Dusty and I once had a very long, very disturbing conversation about the emergency exit row and how we always think about what would happen if we decided to open the exit door in the middle of the flight (sort of like how every guy thinks about taking the gun from every cop they see). Seriously, is there some mechanism to protect the plane from that happening? I think I should make an invention to prevent it, sort of like how airbags only operate with a certain impact. Or at least be part of the screening process for the exit row seats. Maniacs like me do not belong. On the last leg of our flight Jess and I had separate seats and mine was in the exit row. I am pretty sure she was worried for 1 hour and 49 minutes that I was going to try to open the door. I'm sure I would get arrested for that and I wouldn't do well in prison, so I refrained.

Speaking of getting arrested, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Jess and I went to the Museum of Fine Art in Boston and all I could think about was taking a whiz on a Monet. My theory is that I would get less jail time for getting drunk and killing a kid with my car than I would for peeing on a priceless work of art. I think that is a sad commentary on our society. Actually it is probably a sadder commentary on me that I spend so much time on this type of frivolity.

Now to the wedding: Since I am obsessed with Philly's most elite social phenom Arthur Kade, I decided to try my best Kade impression on the wedding dance floor. It did not end well. Gregg style is not nearly as wonderful as Kade Style. At least we both have sweet hats (mine was stolen) and can make the super douche face (mine obviously as a joke). Jessica was worried the man whose hat I stole was going to try to fight me. Even in my drunken state I knew the man was a coward and if I learned anything in the Big Lebowski it was that I need not fear cowards. Thankfully the reception wasn't all me acting like a giant douche, stupid hand gestures and potential ass beatings. There was also singing on the dance floor. Faithful readers should have a good idea of what song could inspire such passionate singing. Yup, you guessed it.

Last thing for the day: Today Ace made a statement that just killed me. He described a guy as being good lenses in a bad frame, meaning he was smart but so unfocused he was couldn't be taken seriously. It is just a perfect way to describe things. I think it might go down in the pantheon of awesome ways to describe girls to your buddies (if you are the kind of sexist dude that is inclined to that type of behavior; good from far, but far from good being my personal favorite), as in, you go on a date with a girl with a good looking face and a weird shaped body: tell your buddies good lenses, bad frame. Once in law school my friend Joe asked my buddy Ron what he thought of a girl Joe was talking to. Ron's reaction was that she was a 6 and 1/2, but then he paused and said "Nah, 6." And a little piece of Joe died.

Remember, tell your friends about this blog and let's keep annoying Jessica together.

Special Birthday Update

2009-05-27T07:42:00.003-05:00

It's time to celebrate readers. Ace turns 45 today. To honor this occasion, let's all send Jessica e-cards to celebrate. Hopefully this turns out better than our last attempt at bombarding her with Ace videos. So please visit your favorite e-card site, find the most annoying card possible, and send it to Jess. (email me if you need her email address). Thank you in advance for all your help in annoying Jessica. I need to start taking pictures of her reactions to our friends commenting on the blog. She hates it so much and that warms my heart to no end.
Today's special video shout out is for Kaylan: Remember Kay, if the man wanted a small soda, he would have asked for a small soda.

Jessica wins and we all lose (Day 86)

2009-05-26T20:46:00.011-05:00

Sorry for the long absence. As far as I can tell only my favorite reader, ACG, missed me. Yet another reason I need to move to Canada. Free healthcare, friendly people and awesome blog followers.

First the reason for the title: Ace's CBS pilot was not on the schedule for this Fall (Jess wins). I know I'm disappointed. Hopefully the other CBS shows will be garbage and Ace's show will be a mid-season replacement. Since they broadcast stuff like this and this, I think we have a good shot.

Ace had Dameshek on again, so you know it was awesome. To up the ante they decided to include Deaf Frat Guy in the conversation. I was never a big fan of DFG, but in this context he was awesome. Dameshek had a few moments that cracked me up. His first was his advice to the fellas on how to pick up ladies. He said it is key for the guy to tell the lady that she is too into him and it is creeping him out. His thought is that will confuse the lady and make you more desirable. I can speak from experience that it is true. Jessica's first words to me were to tell me to "F off" as part of a game I was playing with a juvenile friend. I turned and walked away and Jess came back to me later out of curiosity. Dameshek proves himself to be a genius once again.

The other thing about Dameshek that cracks me up is his use of old timey language. Ace was telling a story about how he attacked some random dudes harassing people in a mall. Ace thwarted their efforts and saved the local citizens. Dameshek's reactions was to ask Ace if he was in the newspaper with the headline, "Local teens take down rapscallions, local toughs." Whenever Dave talks like that it just cracks me up.

Dave and Ace also had a nice exchange where Dave played a woman that Ace was hitting on. Dameshek's delivery of "Hello there," was priceless.

Jess and I were watching The Soup and saw a clip of Brad Pitt promoting his new movie and Ann Curry made ridiculous remarks about the Jews in the movie. As a loyal Ace fan I immediately thought of Ace's constant talk about the difference in Jews. He says you have the domesticated North American Jew and also the Israeli commando Jew. Of course I couldn't tell Jessica any of this and enjoy a laugh together. This bet is really infringing on our ability to laugh together. In fact it is hurting us so much we have become complete nerds. We have become obsessed with LOST and it is threatening to ruin our lives. I swore I would never become this kind of person, but I have succumb to the foul mistress that is LOST. I am currently shopping for pocket protectors and mapping out alternate routes home so I don't get beat up by the local boys.

In other news, our friend and favorite Arthur Kade is continuing to tread new douchy ground. Every time that I think it is not possible to be any worse a human being than he already is, he proves me wrong. Now he is trying to be a low rent version of Tucker Max, except not smart or funny. It is time we organize and go to Philly to crush him once and for all.

On another personal note, I was saddened to learn today that my friend Trevor doesn't read the blog. I go out of my way to mention him and give him special video shout-outs and he won't even read. So disappointing. At least my other friends at work, Katie, Jason, Andy, David, Matt, Chris, Susan, Steve, Clint, Rocky, Curt and Beth, plus my co-worker Amy still read it. Thanks for your loyalty friends and co-worker. Please accept this video as my gift to you. Until next time, Mahalo!

Weird Week in Carolla

2009-05-21T20:25:00.006-05:00

Enough with the t-shirt silliness, it's time for more Ace talk. It has been a strange week for guests, including a representative from Ford, the founder of the Adult version of Myspace, Brad Garrett and his buddy Chris. The Ford guy was mildly interesting but felt like late night Ford infomercial. The Adult Myspace guy was pretty lame and generally a pervert. His mission is apparently to give lonely men more access to porn. Considering the lack of porn on the internet, I think he is on to something. Ace is a big fan of masturbation so he enjoyed talking to the guy. Of course Ace is also the guy that Dr. Drew says is an addictive masturbater and always refers to masturbation being the real thing. I enjoyed Brad Garrett's podcast, but I can't remember much about the episode except for Ace saying that when his internet went out for 3 hours it felt like someone was F'ing him in the A for 3 hours. He is on to something though. I only got a cell phone 5 years ago and now can't live without it. Stuff like that, phone, internet, blackberry, are impossible to live without once you've had them. Ace also unveiled his theory about his why his buddy Chris never matured. He thinks that Chris got laid too early in his life and stopped caring about things other than girls at 15. The theory is solid though. The guys I knew growing up that had early success with the ladies are generally worthless at this point.

Now Chris was amazing. Faithful readers will recall Chris as the genius behind the Brewing Story. He and Ace have great chemistry and told some great stories about growing up. It is incredible that either of them is still alive. Chris talked about smoking crack like it was the equivalent of getting a latte. I think that Jessica would actually enjoy the Chris podcast. Unfortunately for her, she has no sense of humor and can't appreciate Ace's brilliance. I'm just amazed that Ace and Chris are still alive. All of their stories involve them being insane, fighting, living in horrific conditions and cheating death.

Jessica clearly has terrible tastes in comedy since she doesn't think Ace and I are funny. She does redeem herself by enjoying the work of our friend Arthur Kade. Aside from posting amazing videos this week, Arthur has set a new low. He decided to enlighten his many "fans" of his kissing preferences. There were a couple problems. Most notably his claim that he enjoys kissing women when he is so clearly gay. Even more disturbing was his retelling of his finest kiss, which occurred with a woman he paid $400. And not spent $400 as in took her to a nice dinner and play, but as in she was a stripper and he was in the champagne room. Now, let's break this one down for a second:
1. He paid 400 bucks to make out with a stripper. I can honestly say I am not a strip club guy, but my guess is that 400 can get you more than a kiss from a runaway with daddy issues.
2. How unspeakably sad is it to have your best kiss from someone you are paying? That's a little like calling your shrink your best friend. Sure, he's listening to you and seems interested, but you are paying him $150/hour to do it. He's not really your friend.
Arthur proves himself to be a giant tool for actually believing that a stripper liked him.

I really need to add another terrible show to the poll. Jessica is now watching So You Think You Can Dance, which aside from Cat Deeley is a terrible show. In fact, as I type this there are 2 dudes ballroom dancing together. One claims he is heterosexual (highly disputed) and the other is openly gay. Is there a huge shortage of girls who want to ballroom dance? It's just creepy. It didn't work in Blades of Glory and it didn't work on the show. I don't get the "straight" guy not finding a girl partner. From what I have seen on this show, the girl dancers are great looking and it takes tons of practice which gives you quality time with a hot girl. Oh no, I might have to do a live blog of this show at some point. There was just a girl dressed up like a cat doing Stars Wars shit like George Michael. (I think that just inspired me to have my next poll be about which Bluth had the best chicken dance)

I am too distressed to write anymore. So You Think You Can Dance is killing me. But I really need to address some issues I have at the work place. We were talking movies at work and someone asked why I liked "The Wrestler." I said because it was amazing and Mickey Rouke gave an amazing performance. He said he didn't think Mickey was that good. What? That is nonsense. This is the same guy that said "My Best's Friends Girl" was hilarious. I know, he is some sort of escaped mental patient. I am going to have to tackle this in a longer post at some point and maybe even start reviewing movies.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than you know. And just for my favorite Canadian, please enjoy a video featuring the one man who can challenge Kade to the doucher throne, enjoy.

Enough is Enough

2009-05-21T16:22:00.002-05:00

This post is mainly just making it so I don't have to see that pretty girl in that disgusting t-shirt at the top of the blog. I am really disappointed that a number of you that have decided it is funny to side with Jessica in this battle and are encouraging her by buying t-shirts. Especially you Melissa. This blog was dedicated to you, but I am now taking nominations for an alternate muse. I will remember your traitorous acts.

I am really excited about today's podcast. It features Ace's longtime buddy Chris (of "Brewing Story" fame) and promises to be full of good stuff. I promise I will have a lengthy update tonight.

Since this blog is the height of narcissism there is no reason not to mention my Twitter account too. You can sign up to follow me (gjlytle) so you can be the first to know when I update the blog.

Since this is the least entertaining entry ever, please accept my apologies.

Team Jessica? I think not

2009-05-18T20:32:00.005-05:00

Dear readers, our peaceful Carolla loving existence has been posed with a vile threat. Team Jessica. I was completely unaware she commissioned the above shirt. I walked into my kitchen and saw her giggling with delight, waiting for me to notice. I did not react well.

While she is a beautiful girl, that photo disgusts me. I cannot believe that she beat us to the punch with a shirt. Well, we are a strong nation and we will not let this threat stand. We need to make the shirt happen ASAP. Please submit me your ideas and your interest in a shirt. I will work on making it happen soon.

2 Months, 1 Day to go

2009-05-17T20:05:00.004-05:00

Happy Sunday my fine followers. Let me warn you in advance that this entry may be angrier than usual. As I type this, my Celtics are losing to the despicable Magic and the Mets are losing to the Giants (even grosser since they had the bases loaded with 0 outs and didn't score). Hopefully the Celtics will turn it around, although I don't have much faith since our backup forward has to wear a special headband to prevent concussions and looks worse with his shirt off than I do. That is not a great signal for success.

I had another moment this weekend when I really wanted to tell Jess an Ace story. And this time it would have even be logical in conversation. We were watching Role Models and there is a scene where Paul Rudd drives his truck off a tow truck. The scene seems insane unless you realize that Ace himself did this once. Ace came out to see his truck up on a tow truck for a chicken S reason. He tried to talk to the driver and convince him to take it down, but the guy was being a doucher and wouldn't do it. So Ace just drove off the truck. He must have been so proud that day. So as Paul Rudd was imitating Ace in the movie, I obviously wanted to tell Jess the story. But I refrained. Well maybe she will read this entry and get to enjoy the story anyway.

We had lunch with our friend Rachel today and she told me something that warmed my heart. She was telling me that her friend Ashley and her husband read the blog, which obviously makes me happy. But the best part was Jessica's reaction. As soon as Rachel mentioned it, Jess starting shaking her head. Then she put her head in her hands. The look of defeat was priceless. I could see her annoyance and I couldn't have been more delighted. Hopefully the blog will continue to grow and we can make my dream of site t-shirts a reality. I may need to consult Arthur Kade on how to grow a brand and gain followers to "The Journey." I realize my presence isn't as dynamic and my shoulders aren't as enormous, but maybe I can find half the success that he has.

I also must admit that I may be in the process of becoming a nerd.
1. I went to see Star Trek this weekend. It was really, really good.
2. I have been making fun of LOST nerds for years. Up until this morning, I had never seen a single frame of the show. But Jess and I rented Season 1 on DVD yesterday and watched the Pilot this morning. I have to admit, it's a great show. I am sure it will suck me in and I will start posting about it non-stop. I'm sure that would lead to new readers, but it's just not worth it.
3. I am really excited to see Transformers 2, G.I. Joe and even the new Harry Potter movie. (but I am still not as nerdy as Jess about Harry Potter since she is listening to the books on tape to remind her of the story in advance of the movie).
Obviously I am a little worried about where this is headed. I know I've never been the coolest guy, but if this keeps up the guys at work are going to start beating me up for my lunch money.

The Celtics are about to start the second half. Hopefully it goes better for my beloved C's in the second 24. I'm not really looking forward to LeBron destroying them in the next series, but I like how much pride they have shown. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!

Worlds Colliding (Day 74)

2009-05-14T14:26:00.010-05:00

As Constanza once said to Jerry, it's dangerous when worlds collide. That is exactly what has happened today. Stryker is on Charm School and the dude that plays Mike from My Boys (Jamie Kaler) was on Ace's podcast. Oh my. How in the world am I not supposed to comment on that? Jessica makes me watch My Boys and I can say it is the least funny sitcom ever. I have honestly laughed 3 times over the course of the entire series. I will laugh more on my hundredth viewing of Fire Birds (which is not a comedy) than I do at the entire catalog of My Boys. That's not good. My latest theory with My Boys is that they write down 3 lines of dialogue, put it in a hat, then pick it at random to film the scene. The show has no structure and ends segments without jokes and abruptly.

Jessica wanted to watch the new season of Charm School featuring the skanks of Rock of Love Bus and Real Chance of Love. As soon as Jessica saw Stryker on Charm School she was trying to goad me into talking about him since he replaced Ace on Loveline. Well, I shouldn't really say replaced, since Styrker is a complete tool. Anyway, the show has potential. It is always good times when crazy skanks compete for money by pretending to be ladies.

I have been meaning to talk about this for awhile. I have an embarrassing issue. When I am getting my iPod out and am primed to listen to Ace's wisdom I sometimes accidentally hit the enter button the home screen. Whenever I do that, my iPod plays the first song alphabetically. Readers, here is the embarrassing part. That first song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I know, it's horrific. I really need to find some band that comes before ABBA alphabetically. I defy anyone to think of a worse song to randomly start playing when all you want to listen to is Ace. Can't be topped.

Jessica is making me watch the 2 hour season finale of Grey's Anatomy. The only good thing about the show is that the red headed doctor and Pat Dempsey were in "Made of Honor" together and makes me think of this. And that is amazing. I want to make a list of things I would rather do than watch 2 hours of that terrible show (Is there a worse looking star of a major television show Meredith Grey?);
1. Hold every poisonous snake in the world at the same time. (I can't even watch snakes on television without freaking out).
2. Eat a combination of ranch, ketchup and mustard.
3. Hit myself with a sledgehammer until I pass out;
4. Only being able to listen to 98 Degrees music for the rest of my life;
and
5. Replicate every one of Kenyon Martin's tattoos on my own body.
I will never understand the appeal of the show. It is a whiny, unattractive chick complaining all the time. The hospital is like Bayside since it revolves around 6 people, except it doesn't even have the comedy of the random twins that are in every background shot. (By the way, is there some mechanism for finding those girls? Wouldn't it be amazing to be friends with them? I always wanted to find them and try to date one (even though they aren't attractive) just so I could say I did). The story lines are completely predictable and F'ed out. I mean, come on, how many traumas can happen in Seattle? I am still waiting for a comet to be on course for Seattle and the only thing that can save the city is Pat Dempsey's 5 o'clock shadow. That will probably be a 3 part special.

Wish me luck as I struggle through this crap. Until next time, Mahalo!

Ace's Movies

2009-05-12T09:17:00.006-05:00

Ace had Bob Kosberg as a guest. Bob is known as the "King of the Pitch." He essentially gets ideas sold to Hollywood studios for movies and TV shows. It sounds like an awesome job. How amazing would it be if you job was to basically BS people into buying your ideas. I wish I had that skill.

When I am a eccentric billionaire, I am going to personally finance all Ace's movie ideas, including Pedif-Isle, To Hell and Back, Just One of the Gays, etc, etc. The way I figure it, if I had a billion dollars, I would allocate 100 million of my fortune to making Ace's movies. I have no doubt that his movies would make money. How could they not? If every terrible Nic Cage movie can be profitable, a hilarious action movie about an island of pedophiles would certainly make some cash. To anyone who hasn't seen Nic Cage's high kicking, strawberry gum chewing performance in Firebirds, I demand you watch it. It is transcendent. According to its VHS cover, it is also Sean Young's sexiest role, obviously a high standard. I hope you all wish me great financial prosperity so I can make all these films come true.

Since you all like the Slater v. Sanders match-up, I have a few more planned. Better lead singer of California Dreams, Matt Garrison v. Mark Winkle; more girlish throwing style, Nuke LaLoosh v. Kenny Powers. I am also open to suggestions, so please let me know what you want to see.

I have not listened to the latest podcast with Bald Bryan and T. I read on the Message Board that Bald Bryan announced he has a brain tumor. Hopefully they caught it early and that he has a great oncologist. Let's all keep him in our prayers. Until next time, Mahalo!

Yet Another Oversight

2009-05-11T09:25:00.006-05:00

Dear readers, I have to apologize once more for my sloppy drafting. After posting the great Slater v. Sanders debate I realized I left off a critical factor. I honestly cannot believe it slipped my mind. I am of course referring to "Inappropriate Relationships with Adults." And even though this doesn't change the results, it is important that we explore the topic.

Slater: Slater had a very close, sometimes too close, relationship with Bayside High principal Richard Belding. Who can forget the iconic episode when Mrs. B, tired of Mr. B's antics, kicks him out of the house. Does Mr. B go to a hotel? Friend's house? Of course not. He goes over to Zack's and buys the boys pizza. If I ever have a son and his principal wants to hang out in my son's room and buy him dinner, I'm calling Chris Hansen. Mr. B goes on to solicit dating advice from the boys, which is simply beyond creepy.
Slater had numerous heart to hearts with good old Mr. B, especially in the episode when he was going to have to switch schools. Throughout it all, Mr. B was inappropriate, creepy and constantly touching Slater's enormous shoulders and calling him "Son." That earns Mr. B a A in the creep department. (The crack about the shoulders is a nod to the biggest douche creep in the history of the world, Arthur Kade. He is quite proud of his shoulders).

Sanders: Steve had multiple adults in his life. Some, like Mr. Walsh, were appropriate. Some like Mrs. Teasley, the high school principal, were to push the story along. And then there is one that was just plain creepy, Nat. Nat ran the local diner, which the kids from West Beverly single handedly kept in business. Nat acted as father figure, sounding board and later even as business partner to Sanders. Nat's constant attempts at being friends with 16 year old Steve Sanders (even though Steve was 30 in real life) was just creepy. There is no compelling reason for a 40 year old to be friends with a 16 year old. That is just asking for trouble. It also never seems to bother Steve that he and his friends are Nat's only friends. Again, it's a bad sign that a 40 year old has no friends other than his 16 year old customers.

Decision: Advantage Slater. Nothing can possibly top Mr. B buying the boys pizza after the Mrs. kicked him out.

I also forgot to mention Steve Sander's steroid episode from his time on the track team. Just more evidence that Slater was the superior athlete.

Ace is co-hosting Loveline again this week. I am pumped for some good talk with Dr. Drew and lots of fodder for the blog. Until then, Mahalo.

The Ultimate Showdown (With special amendment)

2009-05-08T09:51:00.006-05:00

I have been calling for an answer to this question for years. I have submitted it to Bill Simmons at least 5 times with no response and now I will take care of it. Simmons has explored some classic match ups, Cheers v. Seinfeld, Pacino v. DeNiro and Tubbs v. Rothchild. Well now it time for me to answer the ultimate match up: Slater v. Saunders
I am a huge fan of both Saved by the Bell and Beverly Hills 90210. I, like I'm sure all of you, have often wondered who the better sidekick was, Slater or Sanders. Well I'm here to answer the question once and for all with the sidekick decathlon. It consists of 10 events; Athletics, Competing for women, Style, Car, Ability to carry storyline, loyalty to star, unintentional comedy (nod to Simmons, since I don't want to steal Simmons ideas like the guy that ripped off his Ewing Theory and called it the Tee Martin Principal), curly mullets, success with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Special Skills. The judges are me and Bruce Jenner. Our decisions are not up for debate. Without further ado, let's get to it.

Athletics:
Slater: Slater was all conference in football, basketball and wrestling. Even competing in basketball and wrestling at the same time in the amazing episode where Zack tears his ACL. Slater had multiple offers for football and wrestling scholarships, survived detention to lead Bayside to a win over Valley and was the inspiration for me creating the greatest video game quarterback of all time on Madden 98. There is also evidence of Slater being an exceptional beach athlete as evidenced by the amazing Malibu Sands episodes. His only downfall being losing the obstacle course to Lisa Turtle in the members v. staff games.

Sanders: We never really see Steve participating in team sports, but he is an ace at beach volleyball. He is also shown to be a great flag football quarterback and golfer. His downfall is that his dad yells at him during the flag football game as his fraternity is falling behind (even with Brandon performing like the Wes Welker of Frat flag football). His dad also hurt Steve's chances by using juiced golf balls in their match with Barry Bonds. (I haven't thought about that in years; the irony of Bonds complaining about his opponent juicing).

Decision: Big advantage Slater.

Competing for Women:

Slater: Zack and Slater started as romantic rivals for Kelly Kapowski, who was every teen boys dream. Slater proved to be a noble opponent and stole a few moments with Kelly. Slater also a solid opponent at other points in the series, as evidenced by this. Slater proves worthy, but no match for Morris, which is what you want for a sidekick.

Sanders: Sanders and Brandon also competed for a Kelly, Kelly Taylor. She was Sanders first love, eventually stolen by Brando, which lead to some amazing acting from Sanders. After that, Sanders took the backseat to Brando and life was smooth.

Decision: Wash

Dress

Slater: Slater was always wearing tank tops, work out pants and colored jeans. All very solid, here, here and here.

Sanders: Steve was able to pull off an amazing combination of buttoned up silk shirts and strange pants. He also rocked some amazing hats and swim trunks. Seen here, here and here

Decision: Sanders

Car

Slater: We never really see Slater drive, except when he drives the weird drivers ed vehicle in the hallway.

Sanders: One of the first appearances of Sanders is him in his Vette. Classic California car for the classic beach guy.

Decision: Big Advantage Sanders.

Ability to carry Storyline

Slater: Most of Slater's best moments involved his athletic prowess. There was the dramatic episode where he thought he was moving to Hawaii and shared some nice moments with his father.

Sanders: Most of Sanders episodes involved his various misdeeds, either at school or running afoul of the law. He had the amazing ability to well up with tears for no particular reason, which was always wonderful.

Decision: Slight Advantage Sanders.

Loyalty to star

Slater: As shown above, Slater and Zack had their moments. In the end, Slater turns out to be his best friend, willing accomplice and buddy for life. Even though Zack always referred to Screech as his best friend, which was a terrible mistake. But there is this.

Sanders: Sanders and Brandon never came to blows, as far as I remember, and I am in no mood to look it up right now. The tensest moment between the two centered around Kelly, but Sanders eventually relented. They became so tight that they went on a cross country road trip to the Atlanta Olympics after Brando's tough break up with Susan, despite wanting to stay with his girl Claire. Now that is a buddy.

Decision: Wash

Unintentional Comedy

Slater: Most of Slater's comedy is derived from his hair and wardrobe. All of it is hilarious and amazing. But Slater's true gift was his terrible acting, calling Zack "Preppie" and his girlfriend "Mama." My favorite Slater line was when Jessie made some comment about what was in a women's genes, and Slater responded, "And I like the way you look in those jeans." And just because he dated Jessie, there is this!

Sanders: Sanders crying, trying to be serious and act upset always cracked me up. He was an underrated comedic genius, who always had a great line or reaction. And just since Slater got a video, here is one of his buddies musical performances.

Decision: Slight edge Slater.

Mullet

Slater: Dark curly mullet.

Sanders: Blond curly mullet.

Decision: Wash

Success with TAT

Slater: When he was competing for TAT, she looked like this.

Sanders: And when Sanders was competing for TAT, she looked like this. And I am pretty sure TAT wasn't on the "go team" during the Saved by the Bell years, but clearly was during the 90210 era.

Decision: Sanders, even though TAT cheated on him with Dylan and stole his club.

Special Skills

Slater: Amazing dancer, amazing drummer and provided the kick ass percussion for the Zack Attack. And I totally forgot that Slater was even responsible for creating his own verb, "Slaterinig a chair" for his penchant for always turning his chair backwards to sit, like a badass. And I swear on my life that last night after picking up our dinner in the shopping center where I had my unfortunate haircut, Blondie was sitting Slater style in a chair in the front window. I am not clever enough to make that up. I almost crashed the car I was so distracted.

Sanders: Shrewd businessman, budding con artist and pretty good dancer.

Decision: Both appeared on Dancing with the Stars, where Slater faired better. But the combination of Slater's dancing and musical ability is the trump card. Advantage Slater.

In the end, it is a close race, but Bruce and I have sided with Slater.

What do you all think? Agree or disagree? Take to the comments and let me know.

Best of Carolla

2009-05-08T09:04:00.003-05:00

Good morning everyone. Carolla put together a Best of Podcast for us all to enjoy. Here's the link. If you haven't been listening, this is a great opportunity to catch up. The best of podcast is the listening equivalent of what a person would be if you combined Larry Bird, Batman, Ghandi, Heidi Klum, Natalie Portman and Steve Perry. Which is a convoluted way of saying unspeakably awesome.

I have something big planned. I don't want to give too much away, but I have been working on a mega post which will answer one of the great unanswered questions of our generation. I promise you won't have to wait much longer, but it will be worth it. Until then, thanks for reading and spreading the word.

Charity Event

2009-05-06T21:14:00.002-05:00

Readers, I need your help. Ace is having an auction to get to sit in on a podcast or take a tour of his super garage. Here's the link. This is the opportunity for you all to show how much you love me and help send me to California. Can you even imagine how amazing that would be? Getting to hang out with Ace would completely blow my mind. Please send in your donations and make my dream come true. I promise to give giant shout outs for all donations. And once this blog gets big time, I will take you all with me.

I've had some great suggestions for t-shirts. I am getting pretty excited about it. Jessica caught wind of it and she is not happy. My hope is that the shirts become a reality and that one day Jessica and I are walking down the street and see someone in one of the shirts. That would be the best day of my life.

I have a serious bone to pick with the Oklahoma City Thunder. They had a contest for one fan to get to go to NYC for the draft lottery. To enter, you had to say why you deserved to go in 7 words or less. Here are the finalists:

* Thunder rocks Loud City, New York's next

* I am Thunder loud and Oklahoma proud

* Gonna wear my Thunderwear in Times Square

Fair enough. Until you consider what my entry was: "Me in NYC equals Griffin in OKC." (Blake Griffin is the presumptive #1 pick). I don't mean to be immodest (despite the usual tone of this very self serving blog) but that is clearly better than the finalists. I am disappointed and may write a strongly worded letter to the Thunder management. But I am sure they will read it on the blog and be so embarrased and fly me to NYC immediately.

Keep the shirt ideas coming. Remember to vote about Dave. It is a close race and the world needs a definitive answer. Until next time, Mahalo!

I'm Speechless...

2009-05-05T19:45:00.002-05:00

So, Joe Rogan. Holy crap. He was Ace's guest recently and all I can say is holy crap. He is a complete maniac, albeit an entertaining maniac. But a complete maniac nevertheless. I had so much I wanted to tell Jessica about. Joe is obviously a big fan of the drugs. His most insane topic was how orca whales used to kill humans all the time. If I gave you a 100 years to guess where he went next, you still wouldn't get it. He claimed that US pilots used orcas as target practice during WWII (and that very well may be true). However, his next claim is simply madness. He theorized that orcas made a collective decision to stop attacking humans afterwords, since they were destroyed during WWII. It is very possible that human fatalities by orcas went down after WWII, but it is an enormous leap of logic to suppose that the reason is a conscious decision based upon the pilots killing whales at target practice. There can simply be no correlation between the two. It was terribly difficult to not talk to Jess about this.

Rogan went on to talk about how hallucinogenic mushrooms may be from alien worlds and brought to earth in order to communicate with humans. Again, holy crap. I respect that Rogan is a thoughtful guy, but good Lord, he is insane. But he was also on News Radio, which was a completely underrated and amazing show so I will let it slide.

My day featured some outstanding lunch conversation with my friends Trevor and Katie. We were talking about all the ridiculous shows we enjoyed as a child; Family Ties, California Dreams, Salute Your Shorts, Hey Dude!, Full House, Are You Afraid of the Dark? and GUTS amongst others. And if you clowns don't click on the links I am going to give up. Do you realize how much time that took me? And please don't ask for my version of the Family Ties theme song. If you think I am juvenile and absurd now, you should have seen me at age 9. It is fairly distrubing that I have almost instant recall of all of the above shows (and many, many more) but can't remember important things, like where I parked or basic legal concepts. I really wish there was a way to clear my brain of all this nonsense and remember important things. But maybe one day some person of importance will want to have an in depth conversation about California Dreams. If that ever happens, I will be very impressive and gain some economic advantage from my trivia.

Another funny thing. Katie, from above, has legitimately only seen 25 movies in her life (excluding Lifetime Originals). Aside from the problem of her seeing so few, is the problem of which ones she has seen. For instance, she has seen 3 Ernest movies (Camp, Jail and Saves Christmas) yet none of the Godfather movies. She mentioned that she saw Junior today and it was all too much for me. It is almost like she does this all on purpose and only sees the stupidest movies, at the exclusion of good ones just to upset me. I keep threatening to give she and her husband my entire DVD collection to correct this.

I still don't have any reader ideas for jokes to play on Jessica or shirt ideas. I really expect more from you fine readers. I have a lot of podcasts to catch up on. Lost of updates to come. Until then, Mahalo.

Insomnia

2009-05-02T00:56:00.007-05:00

You have my insomnia to thank for this entry. My original intention was to write this at 3 in the morning since I couldn't sleep. I eventually went to bed without writing anything, but I did take a bunch of notes for things to write. If I knew how to use a computer, I would have posted the piece of paper I wrote all this down on.

Jessica and I went to Dallas to see Dave Matthews this weekend. It was a great show, even though it rained most of the night. The most amazing thing was that we had reserved seats that theoretically should have been covered. One small problem was that we were literally one row away from being covered. It was terrible. The question I came up with during the concert was this: Is Dave Matthews a huge douche? I ask this because his fans certainly are. I am not sure what responsibility lies with Dave for this phenomenon but something must be done. Please vote and let your voice be heard. I am leaning toward giving him a provisional "Not a Douche" but it could go either way. I don't think it is his fault that a bunch of dorks think it is awesome to play acoustic guitar for the ladies.

The second thing was all the douchers who listen to Dave in the parking lot right before the show. That absolutely drives me insane. Can they not wait for the show? Do they have to let people know that they like Dave, even though we are all going to see him? I wouldn't watch old Carolina games in the parking lot before a game. I don't eat Mexican food in the parking lot of Chipotle before I get my burrito. So why would I listen to the band I am about to see. Jessica and I had a disagreement about this and I cannot see that I am wrong.

The strange cousin to the "listen in parking lot guy" is the "wear the t shirt of the band I am going to see guy." I think this person is just as bad. Hey buddy, I get it. You went to see Dave in 1999 before anyone else had ever heard of him and you are proving it by wearing the concert t-shirt. I assure you we are all duly impressed. Impressed that you are such a huge douche. I even saw some people wearing the current concert shirt at the show. This is madness and this must be stopped. Why doesn't everyone heed the advice of strangely bald Jeremy Piven in PCU. (pertinent part starts at 1:49).

The last thing I wrote down was my annoyance with all the Facebook narcissists. Much like the parking lot guy and the t-shirt guy, they feel the need to let you know everything about them, every 5 seconds. I am not at all interested in your 5 favorite movies, which Twilight character you are, or who some liar said you looked like whilst secretly trying to seduce you. I know, this blog is the height of narcissism. I understand that. But bear with me. I am using this as a creative outlet to annoy Jessica, which is a pretty noble goal, so I think that merits a pass. I trust that you will agree, since you are reading. ANYWAY, those people bug me. If you feel the need to update your status every 6 minutes, at least make it funny. No more, "Bill is laying on the couch..." or "Sue had chicken for dinner." Be creative and strange. Put things that couldn't possibly be true just to see if your friends really care. Try, "Pete just found out it wasn't herpes", or "Amanda thinks the coke I just snorted was really just baking soda. Bummer. Back to the kids." Readers, you are more clever than I and I trust you will be funnier.

On our road trip I was obviously foreclosed from speaking of Ace. There was one time that I really wanted to. We stopped for gas early in the morning that was right next to an open BBQ place. Jess inquired about what maniac could possibly want BBQ that early. It reminded me of Ace talking about a great BBQ place in LA and how he got there early one day and saw a fat guy waiting to get in. His point was that if you are heavy, you shouldn't show up to the joint at 10:45 if they open at 11. Just wait until 12 and blend into the crowd. I agree with Ace on that. If you are a really big guy, you don't want to be seen loading up at the buffet or walking out of the doughnut place with a box. You should be more secretive about your eating. This applies to other situations as well. Anytime you are the opposite of where you are going, just try to blend in. From my life the best example of this is all the people in law school that talk all the time and ask dumb questions. If you are an idiot, it's ok, just pretend you aren't and don't talk. I will never understand calling unnecessary attention to your shortcomings like that.

Sorry for the lack of awesome videos. I know that really upsets a few of you. Hopefully this makes up for it.

Jon's Big Day

2009-04-30T18:51:00.003-05:00

Today is a great day for Jonathan, the man who is ultimately responsible for this blog since he introduced me to Carolla's radio show. Hey Brother. Jon had his Doctoral defense today and passed. He is now Jonathan, PhD. Which is awesome. Congratulations Jon. But I am going to call you Doc from now on, so get used to that. It will be funny on a few levels:
1. It reminds me of Back to the Future (note to readers: my keychain is a DeLorian)
2. It is always funny to call someone Doc.
3. I am relatively sure that it will embarrass Jon, which is also always funny.

I know that you all have missed Carolla talk over the past 2 days. I actually got an email about it today complaining about my lack of posting. Luckily, it was only from a co-worker, and I write a hit blog so I am not sweating it.

The thing I really wanted to talk to Jessica about this week was Adam's rant about people that drink energy drinks being A-holes. He really has a good point. Let's follow his theory:
Picture the coolest guy you know: See him? Now can you picture him with an energy drink? Of course not.
Now think of the biggest douche you know. See him? He totally slams energy drinks all night, while spitting game on only 10's. (For those of you who pictured me when thinking of the biggest douche they know, for shame. I expect more from you). He is really right though. When I am in charge and get to hire people I am going to make it an interview question. It would allow me to screen poor candidates and ensure a douche free work environment.

I haven't listened to the rest of the podcasts yet so I have no more Carolla related thoughts I wanted to share with Jessica. She has been maintaining she doesn't read the blog, but somehow still reads the comments. With that in mind, please leave comments so they will come up on her Google reader. I beg you. The more comments, the more annoyed she becomes. And to any nerd out there, I need your help. I want to create a Carolla iPhone ringtone for her phone, then add it to her phone when she isn't paying attention. You have no idea how delightful it will be to see her face the first time her ringtone is the soothing sounds of Ace. Thanks in advance for all your help. And I am still waiting for t-shirt ideas, so send those too.

Shout Out Time! Welcome Jennifer. Glad you stopped by. In honor of your visit, the greatest video EVER. As a young man, I rented the NBA Superstars video almost as much as Conan the Destroyer. That is high praise.

Deadliest Warrior

2009-04-28T01:09:00.003-05:00

This is a non-Carolla related post, but I just want to make sure that everyone is aware of the show "The Deadliest Warrior." It is hilarious and bizarre. It pits two historical warriors against each other (recent episodes included Apache Indian v. Gladiator; Viking v. Samurai; and Ninja v. Spartan). As you can plainly see, it is incredible. The show answers the age old question of which one would win in a fight and then they do tests on the weapons and run it through a simulation 1000 times to find a winner. I highly recommend it. Tomorrow (Tuesday) nights episode is Pirate v. Knight. I have to give the edge to the pirate since he has a gun. Hardly seems fair, but I am sure the result will surprise me.

And now this, just because it is funny.

The Return of T

2009-04-27T22:33:00.003-05:00

I wasn't going to update the blog today, but then I remembered that there are dozens of you out there that would have been disappointed. Today makes the triumphant (or not so triumphant) return of T and Bald Bryan. I am only about 15 minutes into the podcast so I will save my thoughts until I finish it. But so far T has mentioned she was pregnant about 1000 times. It did segue nicely into Ace ranting about a stroller that his wife and nanny refused to donate to charity despite numerous requests, which led Ace to demolish the stroller. It was almost like "This Week In Rage" returned.

I did discover a website today that features the biggest douche on the internet. I am not exaggerating in that claim. You all really need to spend some time looking at his site. He is beyond a narcissist. One example: his female rating system. He describes what makes a woman attractive, then sets out his rankings. All you need to know about his system is that Heidi Klum is an 8. Her. Really? I know you all must be thinking to yourselves that surely this is only his system for rating super hot celebrities. Nope. Just in general. Wow. This man is obviously a maniac. Maybe I need to adopt his style in an effort to drive more traffic to this site.

I was thinking about new and wonderful ways to terrify Jessica. I am thinking that we need to have some t shirts made. I know that this is mostly a family read blog, so we would have ample opportunity to display them. And if in some insane turn of events someone outside my immediate family wants one, even better. I have 0 creative skills (as evidenced by this blog) so please submit any and all ideas.

Until next time.

Day 56

2009-04-26T19:02:00.005-05:00

Happy Sunday to everyone. It is Day 56 of my journey and I am still on target to win the money. Jessica is getting more and more worried about it. I am sure she will unleash some unholy attack in the coming days, so stay tuned.

One last piece of business from the Dameshek podcast: I totally just remembered that Ace and Dameshek talked about how the winners of the Kentucky Derby generally make good names for your junk, should you be the kind of guy to name your junk. I almost veered into the wrong lane on the highway I was laughing so hard. I am planning on basing my Kentucky Derby bet solely on which is the best name for a unit. I plan on winning big.

Jessica did do something to make me insanely happy. She couldn't sleep last night and left this on my desktop. (it starts slow, but trust me, it is worth the wait) Now I know some of you don't click my links, which is madness, but seriously you must watch this one. When Jessica made me watch Made of Honor I almost choked I laughed so hard at that scene. (as you can see by the picture at the top of this post). I am always amused by bad displays of athletics in movies, people reading poetry (live or on film) and bad actors trying to be intense. And this is without a doubt the best display of bad athletics in film ever. Bill Simmons always jokes that nothing can top Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton dunking in White Men Can't Jump and American History X respectively. I defy any of you to watch all 3 and not admit that Made of Honor isn't by far the worst. I trust you will all side with me on this one.

I got my haircut again today. Faithful readers will recall my last experience getting my haircut was less than ideal. Well, today's experience did not involve a transsexual, but I did see a lady fall. My head was turned toward the stores break room as she was trimming over my ears. I saw a lady come out of the break room and as she stepped forward totally busted her ass and fell face first into a door knob. Mind you, I am looking directly at her as this happened, but I couldn't really do anything to help given the fact that scissors were next to my ear. I had to fight every urge in my body not to laugh. Thankfully I was successful, but it was close. I really need to find a new place to get my hair cut.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Strange Brew...

2009-04-23T09:08:00.006-05:00

I wish I was referring to this Strange Brew. But rather I am referring to the amazing story that Ace told Dameshek at the end of the podcast. Before I get to that, I want to thank the amazing people at the Adam Carolla Messageboard. Someone over there caught wind of this blog and I couldn't be more thrilled. The posters there are hilarious and I was worried they would skewer my blog, but so far so good.

Resident super fan Giovanni called into the show to request Ace tell the Brewing story. Little background on Giovanni: He is the biggest Ace fan ever. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of Carolla stories, used to call the radio show to complain about how terrible the people of Hawaii are and flew from Hawaii to Seattle to watch the Hammer in a theater. Here's the story: It involves Ace's buddy Chris and his ability to pee on others. He somehow could whiz a dozen feet out or 10 feet up. Needless to say, he didn't use his powers for good. His basic technique was to hold his unit, clamp the flow, then uncork while simultaneously throwing his hips forward to propel the urine. The best story involved Ray having to drop a deuce at school and Chris kicking in the stall and telling Ray to "Freeze baby!" Ray was obviously alarmed and begged for mercy, which was not given. Chris unleashed his flow. Ray screamed "My eye." And it only gets better. Ray's revenge was to grab what he just deposited. (seriously: who are these guys. Can you imagine in your wildest dreams one of your buddies threatening to hit you with his deuce?). Chris tried to run and said, "Put that thing down," as he slipped on the tile. Ray drilled him with the poo as he sat on the floor. That is a simply stunning story. I have never even had the guts to upper deck someone's toilet, let alone sling poop at them. For those that don't know, an upper deck involves you removing the lid from a toilet and dropping a deuce in the tank. It is a devious and hilarious act. There was one time that I was in a sauna and thought it would be hilarious to upper deck that. The smell would never come out and I would probably be arrested.

Now that some of the message board people are reading, my next goal is to get the Aceman himself. I always wanted to call the radio show, but never did. I would have relayed this story and question:
I was deposing a young woman who's infant daughter tragically died. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and had "RACHELLE" (in fancy letters) tattooed on her upper arm. No big deal right? Except on the Petition, her named was spelled "ROCHELLE." I have had cases where the people misspelled the name on the Petition, so I asked. Here's what she said: No, it's spelled Rochelle, but I am tired of people pronouncing "ROW SHELL," when it should be "RA SHELL." So long story short, she misspelled her own name on her arm, on purpose. It is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and don't know that it can be topped. How say you.

I appreciate any suggestions you all might have for our next plan to annoy Jessica.

Mission Accomplished

2009-04-22T18:22:00.007-05:00

Thank you all for sending Jessica messages today. She claims she didn't read them, but I find that hard to believe. Either way, I am quite pleased.

Ace had Dave Dameshek as his guest and it was amazing. For those of you unfamiliar with Dameshek, I suggest you become familiar as soon as possible. He is hilarious and has a great show on ESPN radio. His latest ongoing project is what he refers to as "Land of the Fox" which is an project to get all the foxiest ladies in the world in the same country. Dameshek is the ruler of the Land of the Fox and gets to decide who is in and who's out. But since Dameshek is a benevolent ruler, he does allow residents of the Shek Republic to vote on inclusion. The latest vote is for Frieda Pinto or Tina Fey. Really? This is even a contest? Tina's appeal has more to do with her being funny. Hopefully the Shek Republic will respond properly and allow Frieda into the Land of the Fox.

I have only just begun the podcast and I already have a lot to say about it. One thing I would definitely want to talk to Jessica about was the conversation about names for kids. Dameshek thinks it is key to give your kid a cool name, but to be cautious since the name will accentuate whatever trait the kid has already. So if your kid is nerdy and has a strong name, he will be nerdier. But the upside is that if your kid is a great athlete and his name is strong, he will be the coolest kid in town. I have long petitioned Jessica that we need to name a son Holden. Holden is an awesome name that will either make or break a kid. I am not sure when I will tell him where his name comes from, considering its dubious origin, but hopefully he will turn out cool, athletic and smart. Let's all hope that Jessica's genetics win out (save for her ridiculous taste in podcast comedy).

This also dovetails nicely with my longstanding theory that certain names make women more attractive, especially any name that can also be a boys name. (Similar to my theory about a woman's job making her more attractive; see earlier posts). So, if we have a daughter, I am going to call her Eleanor for the first 25 years of her life so dudes will leave her alone, then let her go by another name later. It is a weird paradox for men with girls: you obviously want your daughter to be pretty, but if she is really pretty early on you are going to have to put up with a bunch of dudes hanging around. No one wants that. Especially if the dudes are like these guys.

Ace shared his theory on plastic surgery, which was amazing. His basic point is that people shouldn't try to go from 65 to 38. That's just not realistic and the 65 year old always ends up looking terrible. The 65 year old should really shoot for looking around 52, which would just leave them looking good for their age. Ace ranted about the old guys using tons of Grecian Formula on their hair, which makes it look like an oil slick. For whatever reason, anytime Ace talks about Grecian Formula I laugh like an idiot. There was plenty of Grecian Formula talk so I was delighted.

Aside from the plastic surgery, Ace and Dameshek talked about how woman wear giant necklaces and the bigger the necklace, the older the lady. Ace has always maintained that women dress up just to impress other women, which I agree with. Guys couldn't care less about giant jewelry, what kind of shoes you wear or what your handbag looks like. I never understand why women put so much emphasis on the stuff we never even see, but now it makes sense. Especially since we all know that a giant necklace has only been useful once.

I will have many more thoughts and updates once I finish the Dameshek podcast. If the beginning is any indication, it will be amazing. Until then, Mahalo!

Jessica's latest tatics (Day 51)

2009-04-21T10:02:00.003-05:00

Greetings readers. Most blogs celebrate readership milestones in the thousands of views, but we have smaller goals here at My Year Without Carolla. We just passed 500 and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Before we get to Jessica's latest proposal, there are a few things we need to talk about. First, Jessica has declared that she will no longer be reading the blog in an effort to annoy me. She claims that by reading this blog it has substituted for me talking to her about Carolla. She figures that she will increase her odds at victory by not reading. How wrong she is. Since she is not reading this, she will be completely unaware of my next proposal. I suggest that we all email Jessica our favorite Carolla clip tomorrow (4/22) at 11:11 a.m. Here are some suggestions:
here
here or
here.
I obviously cannot post Jessica's email in this public of a forum (See above reference to the numerous readers). So if you don't have it, please let me know and I will send it to you. I am counting on you to come through readers. I have faith.

I also want to give a special shout-out to Asteroid. I don't know who you are, but you are awesome.

The latest tactic Jessica has proposed is that the bet end on July 17th, since we are getting married on the 18th and joining our bank accounts. I am not sure if this is motivated by her delirium over the newest Harry Potter movie, due out July 17 or just her realizing she has 0% chance of winning this bet. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am obviously excited to get the money sooner, but I think it is some elaborate prank on her part. Either way, have faith readers. I am bringing this money home. I am planning to post future polls to have you help me decide how to use the money.

Well now that we have that out of the way, I have some leftover thoughts from a couple episodes ago. I was once more reminded why Carolla and I are kindred spirits. He was recounting stories of his Pop Warner football days and how his coaches never let them have water breaks. He kept talking about how the coaches would always tell you that if you drank water you would cramp. At most his coaches would let you take a swig of a hose and spit the water out. It reminded me of 7th grade and Coach Timms. Coach Timms thought water was somehow evil as well and would never let us have water breaks. It would be 100 degrees, which felt like 120 in pads and we would practice for 2 hours without a break. It was insane. He would be sued so quick if he tried that today. It got so bad that the varsity coaches would come to our practices and make Coach Timms give us a break. If only the statute of limitations for a negligence claim was 18 years, I would be filing a class action tomorrow.

Jessica did surprise me with some awesome news this week. This. And this! Except Steve Perry won't be there. Either way, we are seeing Journey in August and I am fired up.
Please vote in the latest poll and remember to tell your friends about this blog. Oh and don't forget to send links to Jessica tomorrow. Until next time, Mahalo!

Actual Carolla talk

2009-04-16T19:36:00.004-05:00

I know this blog has been very light on actual Carolla talk lately, which is odd considering the whole point of this blog is to praise Carolla. As far as I can tell, no one has missed my musings on Carolla, but here are some new ones. I had ample time to enjoy Carolla as I was driving to and from Tulsa twice this week. Here is the list of things I wanted to discuss with Jessica:

1. Adam talking about a lead singer of a band named Lee Ving. It never occurred Adam that it was a play on words for "leaving." Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a similar ridiculous story. I was in Denver about 7 years ago and drove past an IHOP and it I realized that IHOP stood for International House of Pancakes. I know I am a moron for that never having occurred to me before.

2. Adam referred to himself as "The Chuck Norris of Beef" because he won't leave any beef uneaten on his plate. Except for one time when he was in Texas and had some terrible BBQ at place on his way to a show. I mean, how hilarious is that? Even Jessica would have to admit that is funny, considering how much she loves Chuck Norris facts. (My personal favorite is that Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, but now they are just called the Islands).

3. Rock of Love Bus: Adam talked extensively about Bret Michaels and his unending love of all things rock. As anyone who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action knows, he speaks of his love of rocking at all times. Unfortunately, any who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action also knows that his version of rocking only involves cowboy hats, uncomfortably tight jeans and all the rock cliques you can handle. But the show really is pretty amazing. I am not sure why they find 20 women who want to make out with Michaels and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. I also don't want to know how they convince them that Michaels playing at a state fair in North Dakota at 2:30 on a Wednesday is living the rock and roll lifestyle. It is just a sad a pathetic lifestyle. I keep waiting for one of the rejected skanks to pull off his bandana and let the world see what his wig is hiding. But I do give Michaels props for stying the extensions in different ways, including my personal favorite, the single braid. (Readers note: I am not doing any links today because I am lazy and I am pretty sure that none of you click them anyway).

4. Ace talking about how he should have kissed up to Josh Brolin when he had the chance. Ace and Brolin were both doing a celebrity race in 2003 and Brolin wanted to have a beer with Ace after, but he blew him off. Now that Brolin is Oscar nominated and been in lots of critically acclaimed movies. Ace unfortunately still considered Brolin to just be the guy that was in Goonies. Big mistake.

5. Ace interviewed Danica Patrick, which was great for one very underrated reason: Ace has long held that female athletes are pushed on sports fans as being hot, even though they really cute at best. He once said that if you put Heidi Klum next to Danica Patrick you would never stop vomiting. He is completely right.

6. In the Jimmy Pardo episode he had some great thoughts about "To Catch a Predator", which was an amazing series. Carolla's point was that these dudes always show up looking like hell, even though they think they are about to have sex with a 15 year old. He's right: you think those guys would shave the creepy 'stache, lose the mullet and put on a clean t-shirt. But it is always the same story, they knock on the door, the girl invites them in and tells them to make themselves at home since she is finishing up the laundry. The dude just starts eating cookies and drinking tea in the living room waiting for the girl, with his backpack full of lube and 72 condoms. Most importantly, Ace wonders what in the world these guys are thinking lugging the 72 condoms around when they are in the 15 year old's house. Best case scenario they could expect a few hours alone with the girl, yet they come prepared for a week long orgy with the girl and 20 of her friends.

7. Ace continued on his plan to trick the Catch a Predator people. His plan is truly inspired, he would order a pizza and wait in a secret location to see what happened to the pizza guy. If nothing happens to him and its not a set up, you can have pizza with the 15 year old you came to see. If it is a set up, you can escape while the police needlessly tackle the pizza guy. He also would have some test phrases in the chats they always reference. His point is a solid one: if you started talking about the Jonas Brothers the girl should be into it. But once you say some filthy sexual thing to her and she reacts like she's into, it's a trap.

8. Ace made an appearance on Bill Simmons podcast, which is always a treat for me. Today's main topic was the new "Fast and Furious" movie, which seems to have exceeded Ace and Bill's hope for a enjoyably bad action movie. Ace had me laughing out loud at the gym when he was talking about Jordana Brewster's terrible performance by saying that when your acting is so bad as to be noteworthy in a film featuring Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, you have truly outdone yourself. He also said it was the type of movie that people will kick your seat in the theater if you aren't talking and making jokes throughout it. I saw we organize a group trip to see the movie. Who's with me? (We will probably have to limit this to the first 200 responders since we don't want to overwhelm the theater by having all my readers show up at once).

I hope that this entry has made up for my lack of posting lately. I have started keeping better notes about things because I listen to the podcast then completely forget what I wanted to say. But now I have post it notes in my car and desk drawer that will hopefully provide minutes upon minutes of entertainment to you all. Until next time, Mahalo!

More Hills, More Madness

2009-04-13T21:28:00.002-05:00

Jessica is watching the Hills again. Wow, this show is terrible and completely nonredeemable. The show doesn't even pretend to be real anymore. Take tonight for example: Spencer (and his magically reappearing flesh colored beard) is having a night out with his equally creepy mustachioed buddy. They decide to go to the club and blow off some steam with a female bartender. Heidi gets talked into "trying to find" Spencer and lo and behold she finds him. I would guess there are at least 1000 bars in LA and she has no problem finding him. How are we supposed to believe that. Oh holy crap, I can't even make up how it ends:
Scene: Heidi and Spencer discussing last night (see above) and the waiter comes over and asks if they need anything else. Heidi says, "No, we're done." Now that is amazing editing. Heidi seamlessly conveyed the fact that she and Spencer were finished with lunch and that their relationship was finished. That is what we call symmetry.

I am a terrible blog writer. I started this on Monday and just posted it. I now understand why there are so few followers.

High Treason

2009-04-08T19:41:00.004-05:00

Jessica is once again trying to win this bet by cheating. If you thought some of her earlier misdeeds were underhanded, this latest one will shock you.
I was in Tulsa last night (editors note: This was originally written on Wednesday, but not finished since I was too tired to be entertaining. Now I know you are all making a joke about how I must always be tired since I am never entertaining. That is not funny and truthfully a bit hurtful) for Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons. It was an amazing show by two incredible artists. I arrived home at about 1:00 am and went straight to bed. When I woke up, I started to tell Jessica about the concert and my evening. Jessica told me about her night and how she couldn't fall asleep. She said she decided to watch a movie to help herself fall asleep. Then we had this exchange:

G: What movie?
J: A boring one, so I could sleep.
G: Meaning what?
J: (pointing to the TV)
I then looked on top of the TV for what movie Jessica deemed an appropriate choice to fall asleep to. It's time to brace yourself: it was "The Hammer." I mean, how terrible is that? Not only is she insulting Ace's movie, but she was clearly leaving the DVD out to trick me into mentioning it while I was still drowsy from sleeping and not paying attention. I hope you all see what I am up against and how badly Jessica wants to win this bet. Fear not, I'm not going to let that happen.

I need to start keeping a list of things I haven't been able to say to Jessica. Off the top of my head there were the following this weekend:
1. Watching a car auction on TV at her friends house and wanted to talk about Ace's super garage and numerous cars;
2. telling her the terrible story from the guys that write "Drawn Together" about seeing his parents getting it on;
3. stories about Chris Hardwick's father being a professional bowler and being in a Miller Lite commercial;
and
4. discussion of Ace's new sitcom, which will co-star Windell Middlebrooks, from the Miller High Life commercials.

I am sure that after Jessica reads this she will be distraught once more. She has to realize how much amazing conversation she is missing, whether she admits it or not.
Hi Kaylan. Until next time, Mahalo!

The Week of Gregg

2009-04-06T22:50:00.006-05:00

Well, I may be having a year without Carolla, but I have had an amazing last 4 days. It hasn't quite been equal to the "The Summer of George" but it has been good nevertheless.
It has included the following:

1. A UNC victory over Villanova;
2. An amazing concert by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons, that was accompanied by the perfect amount of Harp;
3. Baseball opening day;
4. Mail-Gate 2009 Part Deux (My favorite Part Deux since the Hot Shots! of the same title) at work on Monday to keep me entertained;
5. Jessica bringing me Charleston's for dinner;
6. Jessica bringing me my first Baja Blast with dinner;
7. Growing tired of Baja Blast and making my first "Wayneblaster" (which was pretty delicious even thought I didn't have any f'ing Smirnoff and had to settle for Kettle One);
8. Larry Bird's appearance prior to tip-off;
9. Jessica wearing her Fonzie jacket so I could make my super lame "Heyyy" joke as she walked in the door;
10; Jessica wearing her new William Fitzsimmons t-shirt as a good luck charm;
11. Watching UNC dominate MSU and win its 3rd Championship since I have been watching them, and concluding the season of my third favorite UNC team ever (behind 1993 and 1998) and the career of my 4th favorite UNC player behind , him, him and him.

And it will continue tomorrow as I am going to see Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons with Melissa.

I apologize for being such a slacker on the Carolla talk, but my drive to Ft. Worth was Carolla-free. I promise you that my drive to Tulsa will be full of wonderful Carolla talk, which means this blog will be back in full force by Wednesday.

Funny, before I even posted this blog my week has taken a turn for the worse. In the middle of "One Shining Moment", Jessica started to giggle and make fun of it for being cheesy. It has been known to get a bit dusty in my house during "One Shining Moment" especially when UNC is prominently involved. On the heels (pun intended) of that, Jessica stole the remote and turned on "The Hills." Yes, "The Hills", or as I like to call it, "The Reason The Rest of The World Hates America." Readers, just know that not even "The Hills" can bring me down tonight.
Until next time, Mahalo!

Suckers

2009-04-02T19:48:00.005-05:00

Well, at least of few of you fell for my April Fool's Joke, even if you guys didn't leave me comments. But yes, it was all a joke. I thought it was relatively funny and was delighted to trick a few people. The dream is still alive and Jessica is still on pace to owe me $1000.

The absolute best part was that I even fooled Jessica. Now you should be asking yourself, "How the hell did Jessica believe you when she knew you didn't actually say that." Well, I'll tell you. Jessica is always the first to read my posts since I write these as we sit just across the room from each other. After my most recent post, she looked up and said, "Wait, so that's it? You are giving up the bet?"
I said I didn't understand what she was talking about. She repeated her query. I looked at her, trying to suppress my laughter and keep my composure. I gently asked her if she remembered what day it was. Her face was immediately flushed, head in hands and laughing like a maniac. I figured that if I could fool her, who was one of only 2 people privy to our conversation, that I had a good shot at fooling you fine people. Hopefully I didn't cause too much of an uproar. I was worried that my dozens of followers would start a riot and shut down the internet. Thankfully that didn't happen. Lucky for me, my co-worker (and I emphasize co-worker) Amy isn't as big a deal as she thinks and hasn't expanded this blogs popularity just yet.

I can't believe that anyone doubted me. If I lose this bet, it won't be over Taco Bell I can assure you that. Now if Carolla did commercials for Chipotle, I would be completely screwed since I am obsessed with their burritos.

The dream lives on. Until next time, Mahalo!

The Dream is Dead....

2009-04-01T20:35:00.002-05:00

I was just coming to make a post to call out all you douchers who don't leave me comments. Are you not entertained? That is especially directed to Yolanda. But then something terrible happened.

Faithful readers, our (or at least my)dream is dead. I slipped up today. And it is all Taco Bell's fault. Here's the story:
I was working late and had to go to the store after I got home. Jessica was also working late and offered to pick up dinner for us. She said she was stopping by Taco Bell and asked what I wanted. I asked for a Baja Blast for obvious reasons. Then I said this: "As Carolla instructed, I....want...to....eat...like....a...man." (As soon as I said instructed, I knew I was toast, hence the pauses, but still finished my thought). It was all because of Adam's commercial. I can't find the offending video, but I assure you it is terrible. I am just feeling a weird combination of shame and confusion right now. I am not exactly sure why it came out or how I have been so guarded for about a month then let the Bell get me.

I think I know how Mike Tyson felt in Tokyo. It may take a couple days to digest what happened, how I lost $1000 bucks and why I was so careless. Maybe I am just not a good gambler. I am sure some of my co-workers can attest to that.

This will not be the last post. I am not sure how often I will post in the future, or how many of you will even notice I'm gone. Hopefully at least a few of you will.
Until then, Mahalo!

Close call...

2009-03-30T21:07:00.005-05:00

Readers, we had a close one today. Jessica and I were watching TV when a preview for "Fast and Furious" (not to be confused with THE Fast and THE Furious) came on TV. Obviouisly we are excited for Vin Diesel and Paul Walker to be reunited, since the cinema has not seen chemistry like that since Swayze and Reeves. They showed Jordana Brewster in the trailer, which reminded me of an interview I heard with her on Carolla's old radio show. She said in the interview that she:
1. Doesn't know how to drive a stick
2. Doesn't remember how the first movie ended, and
3. Doesn't know what the story of the new movie is.

Think about that for a second. She is in a movie that costs tens of millions of dollars and has no clue what happens. Imagine if you showed up to work and did your job and had literally no idea what you just did. You would be fired immediately right? Well, maybe not...
ANYWAY, I almost let this slip in our ensuing discussion of the new movie. Thankfully I kept it inside. I also wanted to talk to her about Carolla's theory that Vin Diesel is only in movies because of his name. Hold the phone, you mean this guy can't act? That is just crazy talk. I'm sure Jessica is upset about this bet now since she missed out on me talking for 15 minutes about how Vin Diesel will never be as good as Seagal, followed by me "proving" my theory by making her watch "Out for Justice."

I think I have come up with another theory that I think is genius. During lunch I saw Sean Penn on a magazine and went on and on about how despicable it is that there are rumors that he has seduced Natalie Portman. That really hurts. Dear, sweet Natalie should not be with douchers like Penn. This led me to tell my friend Katie about how much I despise Sean Penn, etc, etc. She told me about her husbands crush on Jennifer Garner, which leads to my new theory. If your significant other has a celebrity crush, isn't it better for that person to look something like you? With Portman, she and Jessica have similar hair color, skin color, although one is Jewish and the other is not. (Jessica will think that is funny). With Katie and Jen Garner same thing. (sidenote: Speaking of Jen Garner, that reminds me of my now departed co-worker Lawrence. Lawrence really liked Jen Garner. His wife did not. So, being a respectful co-worker, I signed him up for every Jen Garner fan site on the internet.). I think I would find it distressing if Jessica told me her celebrity crush was Jackie Chan or something. Not only is he a short Asian man, he is not very handsome. I guess that would still be better than her liking a young Ron Howard. But I think what everyone should really be looking for is something between Brad Pitt and Jackie Chan. Pitt is unattainable, Chan is creepy. This theory does present a problem for me. My combination of features is not very handsome and a case can be made it is close to Conan O'Brien. Not exactly high praise. So Jessica is in a no win situation. If she says her crush is someone that looks like me, she has tacitly said I am not good looking. If she picks someone handsome she makes me insecure. I will update you on which way she decides to crush me.

My Tar Heels are in the Final Four. Let's hope they perform better than last year. I am going to watch the game, then see William Fitzsimmons directly afterwords. My head very well might explode from too much excitement. In that case, Jessica must pay Melissa the $1000 since she was the inspiration for the blog and Jessica didn't have the foresight to write a death clause into our contract.
Until next time, Mahalo!

A day without 2 of my favorite things

2009-03-29T17:06:00.002-05:00

It is now halftime of the OU/UNC game and not only am I getting the stink eye from Jessica for cheering for UNC, she just told me she threw away one of my Carolina t-shirts that I have had since 1995. She later confessed that was a lie, but the damage was done. Couple this with not being able to talk about Carolla and it is a rough day for your humble narrator. The Heels are up 9. I am hopeful they can have another strong half and make their way to the Final Four.

I would also like to welcome new readers, courtesy of Amy Fischer alerting my co-workers to the existence of this blog. And no, it is not that Amy Fisher. I am clearly not worthy of a reader who is celebrity.

Back to the game. My next post will either be very cheerful in the event of an UNC win, or full of extreme vitriol in the event of an UNC loss.

My Apologies

2009-03-25T21:27:00.003-05:00

Astute readers may have noticed my ridiculous error in misspelling Jessica in the most recent poll. It is a horrible mistake and since people have voted I cannot edit the poll. Just please be aware I know how to spell her name. Sloppy drafting like this is why this blog will never be successful.

I am only have way through the latest podcast with Dana Gould and it is pure gold. Dana does an amazing Huell Howser. If you don't know Huell, watch this. They started going crazy about how everyone with a crappy job needs Huell to come by and talk about their work to make them feel better. Huell is an unending source of amazement and surprise. You could show him the crappiest thing on earth and he acts like it is gold. I wish I knew him just so I could buy him junk for his birthday and have him react like I bought something amazing.

Jessica is attempting to make me lose my mind today. She is making me watch "Make Me a Supermodel." Dear readers, I don't know that I have the strength to endure this. It is a hideous show full of complete narcissists and average looking women. I am not sure who decided that models shouldn't be pretty anymore, but that was a bad decision. It seems like they are trying to find a diamond in the rough, but we all know there are only 3 diamonds in the rough.

3 more podcasts to listen to this week. Hopefully, we can expand the blog and get me a guest spot on Ace's podcast.

Amendment to previous post

2009-03-23T20:49:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that just yesterday I wrote about how hair stylists are more attractive because of their job. Well, that theory died a strange death today. I went to get my hair cut and had a heavy set blond hair stylist. Needless to say "she" was not attractive in any way. We had the normal conversation as the haircut began. I told her I was a lawyer and she told me that she had a bad experience with lawyers in the past. I asked what happened, and she told me that she had to get a new birth certificate and had some trouble getting it finished. Then she said this: "To be honest, I was born a man and needed to get a new birth certificate." Oh my. She went on to tell me about her boyfriend in Egypt and how she wants to marry him. But the worst part was when she told me that her previous lawyer was a woman, who used to be a man. And that she was married to a woman when she was a man, and is still with her. I was really thinking about just getting up in the middle of my haircut so I didn't have to listen to anymore. It was completely terrifying. I am just proud that I didn't laugh as she was telling me this. To cap it off, her name is Blondie. I am not clever enough to make this up.

Carolla had Bill Simmons on today, which combines two of my favorite things. I haven't even finished listening to it yet, but there is already so much to talk about. They began the podcast by discussing something that I have talked about many times. Everyone who knows me knows that I have a crush on Natalie Portman which dates back to her in "Beautiful Girls." She was 13 at the time. But when the movie came out, I was 15. The topic became, are you a pervert to watch that movie and be attracted to Natalie Portman at 13 knowing she becomes an attractive woman. Carolla voted Not a Pervert. I tend to agree. I have had these conversations many times and everyone always tells me that I am a pervert for my stance. I disagree. When I first saw her it was age appropriate, so I maintain that it is still appropriate. The gray area is when someone becomes famous that is younger than 18, when you are older than that. If that is the test, Bill Simmons clearly failed. Bill Simmons might get into trouble with the pedo police because he started talking about seeing a girl that looked like Miley Cyrus and being attracted to her, thinking she was 27. Turns out it was actually Miley Cyrus. So, that clearly makes Bill Simmons a pervert. So, if you see Simmons walking around your neighborhood, do not be alarmed, sometimes people make mistakes.

Happy Birthday Melissa. Until next time, Mahalo!

Disappointing Homecoming (Day 18)

2009-03-21T16:34:00.006-05:00

I made my return to Oklahoma City after 4 days in Vegas, and what is here to greet me? More voting fraud. It is so disappointing that Jessica is attempting to confuse me once more by taking advantage of my lack of sophistication with computers.

ANYWAY, Vegas was a wonderful time. Jon and I got to discuss Carolla at length and also see many of Carolla's favorite Vegas spots, including this. It was great to see Jon and get to spend so much time with him.

This may be a first: I may have come up with a Carolla-esqe theory before him. I have a long standing theory that certain jobs make a woman more attractive (such as a trade show manager for a boutique dental supply company or creative service manager at an advertising agency). I was thinking of this theory on the plane to Vegas, where I decided that the stewardess was a walking around 7, but in flight 8. I have run this by a couple of people, who all seem to be in agreement. Then on the podcast, Carolla made the same point with people with accents, which is also true. Maybe we need to have a test case with an English stewardess, but that may just be too overwhelming. I don't have a definitive list for jobs that make a woman better looking, but it would include stewardess, side line sports reporter, musician and hair stylist.

I have 3 new episodes of the podcast waiting for me. I cannot wait to listen and recount my favorite moments with all 4 of you.

There is so much more to write about Vegas, but I am far to tired. The good thing is that because I have so much to say about Vegas, I am not tempted to talk to Jessica about Carolla. Good times.

No More Voting Fraud

2009-03-16T15:13:00.001-05:00

It is so nice to see that no voting irregularity has destroyed the integrity of the most recent poll. I am sure it is just a matter of time until Jessica figures out a way to subvert justice once more.

Please pick up the courtesy phone...

2009-03-13T19:46:00.000-05:00

Time once more to GET IT ON. Remember, no choice but to GET IT ON.
Big week for Ace's podcast. He had Joel McHale on Thursday. There just isn't a better guest than Joel. It was another great episode that I highly recommend you all listen to right now. The podcast is actually #1 on iTunes, which drives Jessica out of her mind.

Speaking of driving Jessica out of her mind, I have a great new plan. Jessica was foolhardy enough to alert her work friends to this blog in an effort to win the previous poll. Bad idea. I think that all of Jessica's work friends should have a constant barrage of Carolla talk with Jessica at work. You are all evil geniuses, so I am sure you will figure out a way to make the podcast play through the work speakers, or hijack her computer and play it on a loop.

Carolla and McHale were talking about all the great fake names that can be announced over the speakers at a public establishment. They ran through all the classics, Haywoode Jablome, etc. Carolla starting talking about his new favorite, Harry Seaward (which is my fantasy basketball team and never ceases to make me laugh). Since Jon and I are going to Vegas next week, I am planning to have Harry Seaward paged every where we go, just to make him laugh. I am picturing how delighted Jonathan will be by this and laughing.

I really wish I could talk to Jessica about the podcast. Her biggest complaint about the Adam Carolla Show was how often Adam would yell about things. I understand it is insane to not enjoy Carolla's rants, but this is the same woman who doesn't like The Catcher in the Rye. But the podcast has a much different feel since he does it in his house, exclusively with guests he enjoys. It goes without saying that the absence of Strasser is a huge plus. The podcast with Joel also had some great talk from Carolla about how young girls don't like beets and if he ever found himself single he would use that to screen girls that were too old. He said if the girl says she likes beets, she's clearly too old. Just don't tell that to this guy.

The other great part of the podcast was Carolla talking about all his insane buddies and the nonsense they do to each other. It basically involves trying to pee on each other or wrestling nude. It all sounds horrifying, but it was hilarious. As much as I want to be buddies with Ace, I clearly wouldn't fit into his crowd. I can't take a sip of another persons drink, so I would obviously lose my mind if someone peed on my leg.

Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!

Voting Irregularity

2009-03-12T10:13:00.000-05:00

What is this place, Chicago in 1960? Due to a flurry of late activity, Jessica somehow won the previous poll. I suspect malfeasance on her part. She is actively denying it, but I have my suspicions. I think she used her advanced knowledge of computers to vote multiple times. This shall not stand and the previous poll will not be recognized. Take that Jessica!

Alright, time to get back to work. If only my office had this, I would be a happy man.

How Dare She (Day 10)

2009-03-11T20:02:00.000-05:00

Wow, Jessica did something to make me very happy today, followed by something so foul I can barely comprehend it. First, we set a wedding date, July 18, 2009. Obviously this is not the foul act I mentioned earlier. I am very excited to marry Jessica. I think she is eager to set the date since she knows that I am going to win this bet. The way she figures it, when she has to pay me she can just use our money. I am on to her game. I am thinking of making her put the money in escrow.

The terrible thing that Jessica did today was tell me that Catcher in the Rye is the worst book ever. She went as far to say that Adam Carolla is the radio equivalent of Catcher in the Rye. How dare she besmirch two of my favorite things.

Carolla had Aisha Tyler on Tuesday. It was amazing. I was reminded by Jonathan of his undying love for Aisha. I had totally forgotten about it. He used to watch the Soup every night when she was the host. She was the forgotten one in Jon's top 3, the others being Faith Hill and Toni Braxton. I used to terrorize him with jokes on a daily basis, none of which were clever. I just told Jon that the Bellagio is right across the street from the Giant Toni Braxton poster in Vegas. I figure that whenever I can't find Jon in Vegas, he'll be camped in front of the poster.

The main topic for Aisha was about all the stuff that your parents don't tell you. It was interesting because there are so many things I don't remember being taught and just figured out. Or was I taught them and just forgot. I will have to come up with a list of all the things I need to teach a son:
1. Larry Bird is the greatest man ever
2. You want to go to UNC; you want to punch people in Duke shirts
3. How to shave/mow the grass/change a tire (all things I am relatively sure I just figured out)
4. Never, under any circumstances trust your mother's taste in radio personalities or books.
See that would have made good conversation with Jessica. I bet she is regretting the bet now.
Until next time, Mahalo!

The First Week (Day 7)

2009-03-09T19:46:00.000-05:00

Faithful readers, you have an unlikely source to thank for today's message: Jessica herself. She revealed the clamoring from the comments section about the lack of posting. Part of the reason for the delay was Jamie Kennedy being a guest on the podcast last week. Holy crap, he was terrible. Unfunny, not interesting and generally unlistenable. Ace did what he could to salvage the conversation, but it was almost as bad as having Strasser back. Thankfully Greg Fitzsimmons was on today and returned the show to form. Speaking of Fitzsimmons', everyone who reads this should also be listening to William Fitzsimmons. As that song proves, he is amazing. Now go buy one of his albums. I'll wait....

Good to have you back. The first week is now over. I made it without incident and feel stronger than ever. It has been liberating to be able to have conversations with Jessica without talking about Carolla. At first I had to guard what I was saying, but now it isn't an issue. Fear not, dear ones, I am not growing cocky nor complacent. I am just a man in the prime of his life with the resolve of a champion. Jessica seems like she has never been happier. I guess that is what happens with a week without rage or a grown man recounting another grown man's masturbation stories. I really have no other thoughts about Ace this week. While I am acutely aware that this is supposed to be about Ace and not my random thoughts, I have nothing left to add about Ace. Instead you will read about other random nonsense. Deal with it.

On Sunday, Carolina beat those floor slapping pansies from Duke. As is the duty of all good Americans, I hate Duke with the furry of an army of 100,000 men. I simply do not trust anyone who cheers for Duke. As has been memorably said about cheering for the Yankees, cheering for Duke is like rooting for the house in blackjack. This point was driven home by the recent HBO documentary about the Duke/UNC rivalry. I will never forget Eric Montross shooting free throws with blood running down his head (pre-aids awareness, so you could do that), or Tyler Hansbrough having his face broken by that douchebag Gerald Henderson, but the worst moment in basketball history was when Coach K said "F*** You Dean!" in the middle of a game. How dare he. Anyone who can still support Duke is obviously a bad person. This pretty much sums up everything you need to know about Duke.

I also watched two SNL specials, one with game shows, the other with commercials. It was miserable. How in the world can they play a game show special and not include "Geek, Dweeb or Spazz." That is borderline criminal. I was looking forward to seeing Emilo Estevez act like a tough guy.

I have been thinking of a way to annoy Jessica through the majesty of Carolla. I am thinking that we may have to send her emails at the exact same time with our favorite Carolla clips. Leave me your thoughts in the comments.

Well, I have certainly wasted enough of your time today. Until next time, Mahalo!

The Battle Continues; Day 4

2009-03-05T18:35:00.000-06:00

Time to GET IT ON! I am sure you all consider yourselves lucky to get to read more. Maybe not as lucky as this fine lady, but lucky nonetheless.

Today required great restraint. Ace plus Dana Gould equals amazing. The part that made me lose my mind was the discussion of the old Rod Stewart story, involving Rod the Bod having his stomach pumped after... um too much fun with the lads. There is no way this guy would dare do that to other guys. Anyway, the point was how in the world did everyone know this rumor without the internet. I remember when I was in high school hearing the same story about Lil Kim, which seemed about right. Adam's interest was wanting to know how was the guy that started spreading this rumor. What kind of fiend does that. Who in the world has both the deviance and the number of friends required to pull off such a stunt.

Later in the evening we were having dinner with some friends and Jessica started talking about how all the worlds pedophiles should be put on an island somewhere. (For the uninitiated, Carolla has an amazing movie pitch for a movie called Pediph-Isle. The premise is that the world is tired of pedophiles and puts them on an island in the South Pacific. Tragedy strikes when a plane headed to a Boy Scout Jamboree crash lands on the island. The stranded scouts now have to evade pedophiles by using their scouting skills. Dear reader(s), to answer your question, yes it would be the greatest movie ever.) Jessica then starts brazenly talking about the pitch for the movie, but keep getting things mixed up (intentional? you be the judge) and I had to restrain myself from correcting her. I know it has only been 4 days, but surely this will be the toughest day I face. At least I hope it is.

I really do appreciate all 6 of you reading this. I will probably lose my mind if someone I don't already know reads it. There may even be a prize for that person.

I declare Shenanigan's! (Day 3)

2009-03-05T11:07:00.000-06:00

Jessica is indeed tricky. Upon hearing of my creative outlet, inquired as to the name. I told her, and she responded she had won the bet. I called Shenanigan's, since she asked me the question. Clearly that is not me talking about Carolla in any fashion. It would be akin to losing because I said, "Did you see that jackass in the Corolla cut me off!" Technically, both are pronounced similarly, although one refers to an economical Japanese automobile driven by an idiot and the other to the greatest comedic genius of our time. Faithful readers, fear not. The bet is not lost, but beware of Jessica. She is crafty.

My resolve grows stronger due to the faith you have shown in the poll. Your confidence will be handsomely rewarded.

My first post: Day 2

2009-03-04T21:42:00.000-06:00

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my quest to win an absurd bet with my fiance, Jessica. Apparently I talk about Adam Carolla's radio show (R.I.P.) and new podcast too often. I can't help it that I think he is hilarious or that his views make a lot of sense. On March 2, 2009, Jessica declared she would pay me $1000 if I did not talk about Carolla to her for an entire year. This includes, but is not limited to: listening to him in the car in her prescence, watching his movie, The Hammer when she is home, commenting on anything he said on his podcast (Jessica cringes whenever she hears, "Adam said the funniest thing today...) or reciting any of his theories as my own. At first I thought of befriending some guy named Adam, then pretending to talk about him, when I am really talking about Ace. That plan is doomed to fail. I can write about it and not lose the bet, which is why both of you are reading this. The way I figure it, this blog will either help me not talk about Ace for a year, and win $1000. Or Ace himself will somehow find the blog, and I will get to meet him, in which case winning the bet becomes moot, since I would gladly trade the $1000 to meet Ace.

I guess I should start with a little background. I was never a real big fan of Adam. That all changed on a family cruise in December 2007. My brother Jonathan starting talking about the show and how hilarious it was. It started innocously enough. Jonathan called me a J.O. For some reason, I couldn't stop laughing. He began to tell me more and more stories and Carolla theories. I was hooked immediately. Pretty soon I was downloading his radio show every day. Before I knew it, I was bringing up the show in casual coversation, reciting his opinions as my own and driving Jessica insane. For the love of all that is holy, I even watched Dancing with the Stars because of him.

Jessica is not alone in her annoyance. Many of my co-workers are fed up with my constant references to Carolla. My friend Katie even offered to make the same bet with me, but I can't possibly not talk about it at home and work. That would be madness.

Now, I am on a journey to defeat Jessica and win my $1000. I will be using this space to share the hilarious wisdom of Adam for the day, or talk about anything else that I think is funny. My chances of success are slight, but my resolve is strong. With your help dear reader(s), I will win this bet. In the words of Jessica's beloved Barry Obama, "Yes we can." (by the way, Barry is clearly the worst first name in Presidential history, right?).

Since I have nothing to add about Adam right now, time for a bank story: Jessica gives me a check monthly for her half of the bills. She generally writes goofy messages in the memo section of the check. In honor of our bet, she wrote, "1 down, 364 to go," on the most recent check. I went to the bank to deposit the check and got questioned by the teller as to the meaning of the memo. First, I find this very odd. There is 0 reason for the teller to do anything but verify the amount. Second, why did he risk even asking me about it. What if I had some terrifying story explaining it? Again my lack of cleverness became a severe handicap in this moment as I was left with nothing witty to say in response. The whole exchange left me a little confused, and certainly not looking forward to my next trip to the bank. Shortly after my bank trip, I horrified some woman in front of me when she overheard my comment that something (I cannot remember what) was the gayest thing in history that did not involve 2 dudes with their pants down. She did not appreciate my analogy. (Dear readers, I promise future entires will approximate something funny or entertaining. Or at least a link to a Journey video).

Melissa, I appreciate you reading this. Hopefully future entries will be much funnier. For now, 2 days down, 363 to go.

In the words of Ace Carolla, Mahalo!