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Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Jessica's latest tatics (Day 51)

Greetings readers. Most blogs celebrate readership milestones in the thousands of views, but we have smaller goals here at My Year Without Carolla. We just passed 500 and I couldn't be more thrilled.

Before we get to Jessica's latest proposal, there are a few things we need to talk about. First, Jessica has declared that she will no longer be reading the blog in an effort to annoy me. She claims that by reading this blog it has substituted for me talking to her about Carolla. She figures that she will increase her odds at victory by not reading. How wrong she is. Since she is not reading this, she will be completely unaware of my next proposal. I suggest that we all email Jessica our favorite Carolla clip tomorrow (4/22) at 11:11 a.m. Here are some suggestions:
here
here or
here.
I obviously cannot post Jessica's email in this public of a forum (See above reference to the numerous readers). So if you don't have it, please let me know and I will send it to you. I am counting on you to come through readers. I have faith.

I also want to give a special shout-out to Asteroid. I don't know who you are, but you are awesome.

The latest tactic Jessica has proposed is that the bet end on July 17th, since we are getting married on the 18th and joining our bank accounts. I am not sure if this is motivated by her delirium over the newest Harry Potter movie, due out July 17 or just her realizing she has 0% chance of winning this bet. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am obviously excited to get the money sooner, but I think it is some elaborate prank on her part. Either way, have faith readers. I am bringing this money home. I am planning to post future polls to have you help me decide how to use the money.

Well now that we have that out of the way, I have some leftover thoughts from a couple episodes ago. I was once more reminded why Carolla and I are kindred spirits. He was recounting stories of his Pop Warner football days and how his coaches never let them have water breaks. He kept talking about how the coaches would always tell you that if you drank water you would cramp. At most his coaches would let you take a swig of a hose and spit the water out. It reminded me of 7th grade and Coach Timms. Coach Timms thought water was somehow evil as well and would never let us have water breaks. It would be 100 degrees, which felt like 120 in pads and we would practice for 2 hours without a break. It was insane. He would be sued so quick if he tried that today. It got so bad that the varsity coaches would come to our practices and make Coach Timms give us a break. If only the statute of limitations for a negligence claim was 18 years, I would be filing a class action tomorrow.

Jessica did surprise me with some awesome news this week. This. And this! Except Steve Perry won't be there. Either way, we are seeing Journey in August and I am fired up.
Please vote in the latest poll and remember to tell your friends about this blog. Oh and don't forget to send links to Jessica tomorrow. Until next time, Mahalo!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Actual Carolla talk

I know this blog has been very light on actual Carolla talk lately, which is odd considering the whole point of this blog is to praise Carolla. As far as I can tell, no one has missed my musings on Carolla, but here are some new ones. I had ample time to enjoy Carolla as I was driving to and from Tulsa twice this week. Here is the list of things I wanted to discuss with Jessica:

1. Adam talking about a lead singer of a band named Lee Ving. It never occurred Adam that it was a play on words for "leaving." Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a similar ridiculous story. I was in Denver about 7 years ago and drove past an IHOP and it I realized that IHOP stood for International House of Pancakes. I know I am a moron for that never having occurred to me before.

2. Adam referred to himself as "The Chuck Norris of Beef" because he won't leave any beef uneaten on his plate. Except for one time when he was in Texas and had some terrible BBQ at place on his way to a show. I mean, how hilarious is that? Even Jessica would have to admit that is funny, considering how much she loves Chuck Norris facts. (My personal favorite is that Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, but now they are just called the Islands).

3. Rock of Love Bus: Adam talked extensively about Bret Michaels and his unending love of all things rock. As anyone who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action knows, he speaks of his love of rocking at all times. Unfortunately, any who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action also knows that his version of rocking only involves cowboy hats, uncomfortably tight jeans and all the rock cliques you can handle. But the show really is pretty amazing. I am not sure why they find 20 women who want to make out with Michaels and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. I also don't want to know how they convince them that Michaels playing at a state fair in North Dakota at 2:30 on a Wednesday is living the rock and roll lifestyle. It is just a sad a pathetic lifestyle. I keep waiting for one of the rejected skanks to pull off his bandana and let the world see what his wig is hiding. But I do give Michaels props for stying the extensions in different ways, including my personal favorite, the single braid. (Readers note: I am not doing any links today because I am lazy and I am pretty sure that none of you click them anyway).

4. Ace talking about how he should have kissed up to Josh Brolin when he had the chance. Ace and Brolin were both doing a celebrity race in 2003 and Brolin wanted to have a beer with Ace after, but he blew him off. Now that Brolin is Oscar nominated and been in lots of critically acclaimed movies. Ace unfortunately still considered Brolin to just be the guy that was in Goonies. Big mistake.

5. Ace interviewed Danica Patrick, which was great for one very underrated reason: Ace has long held that female athletes are pushed on sports fans as being hot, even though they really cute at best. He once said that if you put Heidi Klum next to Danica Patrick you would never stop vomiting. He is completely right.

6. In the Jimmy Pardo episode he had some great thoughts about "To Catch a Predator", which was an amazing series. Carolla's point was that these dudes always show up looking like hell, even though they think they are about to have sex with a 15 year old. He's right: you think those guys would shave the creepy 'stache, lose the mullet and put on a clean t-shirt. But it is always the same story, they knock on the door, the girl invites them in and tells them to make themselves at home since she is finishing up the laundry. The dude just starts eating cookies and drinking tea in the living room waiting for the girl, with his backpack full of lube and 72 condoms. Most importantly, Ace wonders what in the world these guys are thinking lugging the 72 condoms around when they are in the 15 year old's house. Best case scenario they could expect a few hours alone with the girl, yet they come prepared for a week long orgy with the girl and 20 of her friends.

7. Ace continued on his plan to trick the Catch a Predator people. His plan is truly inspired, he would order a pizza and wait in a secret location to see what happened to the pizza guy. If nothing happens to him and its not a set up, you can have pizza with the 15 year old you came to see. If it is a set up, you can escape while the police needlessly tackle the pizza guy. He also would have some test phrases in the chats they always reference. His point is a solid one: if you started talking about the Jonas Brothers the girl should be into it. But once you say some filthy sexual thing to her and she reacts like she's into, it's a trap.

8. Ace made an appearance on Bill Simmons podcast, which is always a treat for me. Today's main topic was the new "Fast and Furious" movie, which seems to have exceeded Ace and Bill's hope for a enjoyably bad action movie. Ace had me laughing out loud at the gym when he was talking about Jordana Brewster's terrible performance by saying that when your acting is so bad as to be noteworthy in a film featuring Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, you have truly outdone yourself. He also said it was the type of movie that people will kick your seat in the theater if you aren't talking and making jokes throughout it. I saw we organize a group trip to see the movie. Who's with me? (We will probably have to limit this to the first 200 responders since we don't want to overwhelm the theater by having all my readers show up at once).

I hope that this entry has made up for my lack of posting lately. I have started keeping better notes about things because I listen to the podcast then completely forget what I wanted to say. But now I have post it notes in my car and desk drawer that will hopefully provide minutes upon minutes of entertainment to you all. Until next time, Mahalo!

Monday, April 13, 2009

More Hills, More Madness

Jessica is watching the Hills again. Wow, this show is terrible and completely nonredeemable. The show doesn't even pretend to be real anymore. Take tonight for example: Spencer (and his magically reappearing flesh colored beard) is having a night out with his equally creepy mustachioed buddy. They decide to go to the club and blow off some steam with a female bartender. Heidi gets talked into "trying to find" Spencer and lo and behold she finds him. I would guess there are at least 1000 bars in LA and she has no problem finding him. How are we supposed to believe that. Oh holy crap, I can't even make up how it ends:
Scene: Heidi and Spencer discussing last night (see above) and the waiter comes over and asks if they need anything else. Heidi says, "No, we're done." Now that is amazing editing. Heidi seamlessly conveyed the fact that she and Spencer were finished with lunch and that their relationship was finished. That is what we call symmetry.

I am a terrible blog writer. I started this on Monday and just posted it. I now understand why there are so few followers.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

High Treason

Jessica is once again trying to win this bet by cheating. If you thought some of her earlier misdeeds were underhanded, this latest one will shock you.
I was in Tulsa last night (editors note: This was originally written on Wednesday, but not finished since I was too tired to be entertaining. Now I know you are all making a joke about how I must always be tired since I am never entertaining. That is not funny and truthfully a bit hurtful) for Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons. It was an amazing show by two incredible artists. I arrived home at about 1:00 am and went straight to bed. When I woke up, I started to tell Jessica about the concert and my evening. Jessica told me about her night and how she couldn't fall asleep. She said she decided to watch a movie to help herself fall asleep. Then we had this exchange:

G: What movie?
J: A boring one, so I could sleep.
G: Meaning what?
J: (pointing to the TV)
I then looked on top of the TV for what movie Jessica deemed an appropriate choice to fall asleep to. It's time to brace yourself: it was "The Hammer." I mean, how terrible is that? Not only is she insulting Ace's movie, but she was clearly leaving the DVD out to trick me into mentioning it while I was still drowsy from sleeping and not paying attention. I hope you all see what I am up against and how badly Jessica wants to win this bet. Fear not, I'm not going to let that happen.

I need to start keeping a list of things I haven't been able to say to Jessica. Off the top of my head there were the following this weekend:
1. Watching a car auction on TV at her friends house and wanted to talk about Ace's super garage and numerous cars;
2. telling her the terrible story from the guys that write "Drawn Together" about seeing his parents getting it on;
3. stories about Chris Hardwick's father being a professional bowler and being in a Miller Lite commercial;
and
4. discussion of Ace's new sitcom, which will co-star Windell Middlebrooks, from the Miller High Life commercials.

I am sure that after Jessica reads this she will be distraught once more. She has to realize how much amazing conversation she is missing, whether she admits it or not.
Hi Kaylan. Until next time, Mahalo!

Monday, April 6, 2009

The Week of Gregg

Well, I may be having a year without Carolla, but I have had an amazing last 4 days. It hasn't quite been equal to the "The Summer of George" but it has been good nevertheless.
It has included the following:

1. A UNC victory over Villanova;
2. An amazing concert by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons, that was accompanied by the perfect amount of Harp;
3. Baseball opening day;
4. Mail-Gate 2009 Part Deux (My favorite Part Deux since the Hot Shots! of the same title) at work on Monday to keep me entertained;
5. Jessica bringing me Charleston's for dinner;
6. Jessica bringing me my first Baja Blast with dinner;
7. Growing tired of Baja Blast and making my first "Wayneblaster" (which was pretty delicious even thought I didn't have any f'ing Smirnoff and had to settle for Kettle One);
8. Larry Bird's appearance prior to tip-off;
9. Jessica wearing her Fonzie jacket so I could make my super lame "Heyyy" joke as she walked in the door;
10; Jessica wearing her new William Fitzsimmons t-shirt as a good luck charm;
11. Watching UNC dominate MSU and win its 3rd Championship since I have been watching them, and concluding the season of my third favorite UNC team ever (behind 1993 and 1998) and the career of my 4th favorite UNC player behind , him, him and him.

And it will continue tomorrow as I am going to see Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons with Melissa.

I apologize for being such a slacker on the Carolla talk, but my drive to Ft. Worth was Carolla-free. I promise you that my drive to Tulsa will be full of wonderful Carolla talk, which means this blog will be back in full force by Wednesday.

Funny, before I even posted this blog my week has taken a turn for the worse. In the middle of "One Shining Moment", Jessica started to giggle and make fun of it for being cheesy. It has been known to get a bit dusty in my house during "One Shining Moment" especially when UNC is prominently involved. On the heels (pun intended) of that, Jessica stole the remote and turned on "The Hills." Yes, "The Hills", or as I like to call it, "The Reason The Rest of The World Hates America." Readers, just know that not even "The Hills" can bring me down tonight.
Until next time, Mahalo!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Suckers

Well, at least of few of you fell for my April Fool's Joke, even if you guys didn't leave me comments. But yes, it was all a joke. I thought it was relatively funny and was delighted to trick a few people. The dream is still alive and Jessica is still on pace to owe me $1000.

The absolute best part was that I even fooled Jessica. Now you should be asking yourself, "How the hell did Jessica believe you when she knew you didn't actually say that." Well, I'll tell you. Jessica is always the first to read my posts since I write these as we sit just across the room from each other. After my most recent post, she looked up and said, "Wait, so that's it? You are giving up the bet?"
I said I didn't understand what she was talking about. She repeated her query. I looked at her, trying to suppress my laughter and keep my composure. I gently asked her if she remembered what day it was. Her face was immediately flushed, head in hands and laughing like a maniac. I figured that if I could fool her, who was one of only 2 people privy to our conversation, that I had a good shot at fooling you fine people. Hopefully I didn't cause too much of an uproar. I was worried that my dozens of followers would start a riot and shut down the internet. Thankfully that didn't happen. Lucky for me, my co-worker (and I emphasize co-worker) Amy isn't as big a deal as she thinks and hasn't expanded this blogs popularity just yet.

I can't believe that anyone doubted me. If I lose this bet, it won't be over Taco Bell I can assure you that. Now if Carolla did commercials for Chipotle, I would be completely screwed since I am obsessed with their burritos.

The dream lives on. Until next time, Mahalo!

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

The Dream is Dead....

I was just coming to make a post to call out all you douchers who don't leave me comments. Are you not entertained? That is especially directed to Yolanda. But then something terrible happened.

Faithful readers, our (or at least my)dream is dead. I slipped up today. And it is all Taco Bell's fault. Here's the story:
I was working late and had to go to the store after I got home. Jessica was also working late and offered to pick up dinner for us. She said she was stopping by Taco Bell and asked what I wanted. I asked for a Baja Blast for obvious reasons. Then I said this: "As Carolla instructed, I....want...to....eat...like....a...man." (As soon as I said instructed, I knew I was toast, hence the pauses, but still finished my thought). It was all because of Adam's commercial. I can't find the offending video, but I assure you it is terrible. I am just feeling a weird combination of shame and confusion right now. I am not exactly sure why it came out or how I have been so guarded for about a month then let the Bell get me.

I think I know how Mike Tyson felt in Tokyo. It may take a couple days to digest what happened, how I lost $1000 bucks and why I was so careless. Maybe I am just not a good gambler. I am sure some of my co-workers can attest to that.

This will not be the last post. I am not sure how often I will post in the future, or how many of you will even notice I'm gone. Hopefully at least a few of you will.
Until then, Mahalo!