Reader Mail

Believe it or not, I actually do get random questions/criticisms/suggestions from dear readers, such as yourself. I figured on the eve of the anniversary of the blog I should take some time to answer them.

These are real questions by real readers. Except for the ones I made up.

Q: Will you please stop writing about stuff I say/do? Everyone that reads the blog will think I am a shrew of a wife.
Jessica L., Edmond, OK

A: Your request has been considered and denied. It's funny. Plus no one who reads this doesn't know us in real life, so they are fully aware that I am ridiculous and not to be trusted to accurately recount events.

Q: Seriously, what's the big deal with Carolla. He's not funny. He has failed spectacularly in TV and film. You should stop listening to him for hours each day, which I am sure will greatly improve the quality of your life.
Steve M., Syracuse, NY

A: False. Carolla is hilarious and a true comedy genius. Steve, it's not my fault you have no sense of humor. It's your life, so if you want to go through it like a giant humorless doucher, I can't stop you. Do me a favor, watch this. If you still think Carolla's not funny then we are at an impasse. I'll go to the right and you'll go left with the Nickelback fans.

Q: I get it, you like Journey. You do realize that music has come out since 1988. Please link to some other videos.
Lawrence B., Tulsa, OK

A: Sure thing Larry. Enjoy.

Larry, we obviously can't be friends. If you don't enjoy Journey videos for both the music and the unintentional comedy, we'll never see eye to eye. The above video features a mustachioed Steve Perry singing his heart out while out rambling on the road. Then shaving his mustache and sweating like a demon to show how much he misses her. Plus you get the added comedy of the bassist (who is the breakout star of the Separate Ways video) looking forlorn into the mirror, where his jazzercise girlfriend's photo hangs, as he pretends to play.

Q: My girlfriend isn't a fan of Ace either. How can I turn her around?
Phillip R., River Bend, OR

A: Phil, I'm probably not the right man to ask, since I can't even convince my wife to listen to or watch any Carolla related content. Any success I have had in making Jess enjoy Carolla had to come through trickery, such as relating a funny rant or opinion without the source. After she laughs, I tell her it was Ace and she feels ashamed for laughing. Another more sinister plan would be to get her a dog and name him Ace. She'll love the dog and eventually there will be some transference and she will start liking Ace more.


Make sure you check back for the Aceiversary Blog and the rest of reader mail.
Until next time, enjoy a non-Journey video. Mahalo!

Jessica's Olympic Thoughts

Jessica has been in rare form the past couple days with her Olympics commentary. It must be shared:

1. She decided that the ski jump looks easy and is probably something she can do. She was not joking. I tried to explain that I doubt she could even keep her skis straight in the grooves to make it to the jump, let alone do that successfully then jump 300 feet. She would most likely end up like this. Then I would have to reenact the male version of this song. (I think it is an amazing song but super sad when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about. I enjoy this particular clip since he is joking around beforehand, then sings a song about a dead guy's bride to be having to trade her wedding dress for a funeral dress)

2. She declared that being held in the air by a male figure skating partner would be simple. Again, I tried to reason with her that staying perfectly balanced and still, while being hoisted by a small man would be difficult. She maintains that part of it is easy and she could have been a good pairs skater if that is all she had to do. She would cut someone's ear off with a skate during her first practice run.

3. That a Russian figure skater looked tough and would not "be the type of guy you would want to see in a dark alley." The skater is this guy. Process that for a moment. I can't imagine I would do anything other than laugh if I saw this guy trying to mug me. When I pointed out the absurdity of her statement, she did relent and say that once he started skating he didn't look that tough.

4. Lastly, that a male figure skater had to be straight based on the way he moved his hips at the beginning of a routine. She said that he moved his hips like I do when I try to dance and that no gay man would move that way. She may have a valid point with that one.

I on the other hand understand that the only Winter Olympic event I could ever do would be throwing the stone in curling. I couldn't even be one of the sweepers since I would certainly fall down trying to sweep that fast.

I am really looking forward to another week and a half of these comments. ACG, tell Canada to get it's act together so we can see some skiing.

Next post, I am going to answer some reader mail, so please send along any questions you may have. Until then, Mahalo!

How to be a hit at your Super Bowl party

This is usually a space used exclusively for wasteful and ultimately fruitless thoughts on subjects only interesting to me. Well today things change. Today I am going to give all of you a surefire way to be a hit at your upcoming Super Bowl party. The Super Bowl is the one time of year that everyone watches football, whether you are interested in the game or not. So inevitably the party is divided amongst people interested in football, people interested in commercials and people interested in getting really drunk. If people are allowed to stay in their desired camp and not interact, the party is no fun. The key is to get everyone involved. Now, you are asking, "How can I unite such divergent groups?" Simple; The magic of gambling.

I have seen this strategy work firsthand. I am married to a woman who has 0 interest in professional football. The week before our first Super Bowl together I told her stories about being in Vegas for the Super Bowl the year before and all the crazy bets they have in the sports books. Intrigued, she asked what stuff you could bet on. I went through the list: heads/tails on the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, what the first penalty will be, how many Bud Light commercials will be shown, etc. I didn't even have to break out the various cross sport bets available, such as Kobe Bryant points v. pass attempts for a QB and she was hooked. Our system is based upon imaginary dollars, say $1,000, which you can bet in any combination on the various bets. Jess and I had a dinner bet our first year, which see easily won. But it really was a win/win, since she didn't complain about me watching football, because she was really concerned with the number of eTrade commercials and if there was going to be a punt return touchdown. I have never seen her so invested in televised sports that didn't involve OU losing BCS games.

We went to a Super Bowl party at co-worker Amy's house last year and I introduced gambling to the party. It was a bigger hit than my actual presence. There was a legitimately tense moment prior to kick off because our friend Katie had put a huge bet on Sully doing the coin toss. So when he came out, the room exploded and Katie was sitting pretty to win big. At co-worker Amy's, the bets were all between significant other/spouses, but it works really well in a group setting. I would suggest having everyone throw in 10 bucks, use the imaginary money system, then highest score takes the pool. Can you imagine 20 people having a stake in whether the first penalty is pass interference or holding and whether Kim Kardashian is shown more than 3 and 1/2 times during the telecast? All attendees will pay attention the whole time. That is the beauty of the Super Bowl bets, nothing is off limits. Anything you can think of has odds, or some savvy gambler in your group can create odds for it. Plus, there will probably be someone at the party (ahem, a guy like me) with money on the game who will be open to making some side bets during the game to hedge his losses if things start going poorly. Find that poor sap (again, me) and take advantage of his love of gambling. Or if you are that gambler, find the guy that who is there solely to get really drunk. You should already have a bet on the number of beers he will drink (o/u 10.5; take the over), sit next to him, keep a beer in his hand to insure you win the over and then convince him to make crazy bets and take his money. Sure, that's probably an underhanded move, but gambling is a jungle and you have to make your money where you can.

If anyone is interested I have already created this year's spreadsheet of bets and will happily send it to you so you can impress your friends. My personal favorite bet is about the number of Peyton Manning commercials v. number of times Kim Kardashian is shown on camera. I am leaning toward Peyton crushing Kardashian, but if Reggie Bush does something spectacular, they will show her. Good luck with your wagers.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Ace's Mistake

This whole Leno/Conan thing has been such a disaster for Leno. He has screwed up in every possible way and handled the situation with such an absence of class that I am not sure how he recovers. Most right thinking people are firmly on Team Conan. Except Ace. For some reason he is still on Leno's side in this mess. I suspect it is because Leno has let Ace appear on his show numerous times. While I agree that allowing Ace more TV time was a great decision, I cannot agree with how Leno has handled himself. The most embarrassing moment in the whole saga for Leno has been how Jimmy Kimmel has just destroyed him. First he took him down on his own show. Most recently he used 5 minutes of his monologue to call Leno out again. Kimmel's points are valid. He acknowledged that he had to talk about the situation or he himself seems like an ass and he expected that Leno would engage in some back and forth. Kimmel's worst indictment was commenting that he expected Leno would not just read off the cue cards and that he used to be a comedian.

Maybe Leno and Kimmel going back and forth will finally snap Ace to his senses since there is no way Ace would go against Kimmel. At least I hope Ace doesn't go against Kimmel. If Ace turns against Kimmel, it would be the equivalent of Turk & JD or Stockton & Malone breaking up. I am not sure I could handle them separating and it may cause me to rethink my whole position on Ace. I'm sure me talking about Ace less will delight Jessica to no end, so let's hope order is maintained and Ace turns against Leno.

I was thinking about something else today. The advent of Facebook has allowed me to re-connect with old friends, which is a good thing. This allows me to see not only what someone does for a living but also how they look. It delights me to no end to see girls that thought they were hot stuff in high school look like holy hell now. If they are also marginally employed, even better. Am I alone on that? I'm sure it makes me a terrible person. The only thing that makes me happier is when there is a really nice girl who was not cute in high school that turned out pretty. I think it is proof that karma is real. And I am not talking about Karma in Seaside Heights. Unfortunately, we all know that is very real and very terrible.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Google Ads problems

It seems that Google Ads must be confused since it has recently been featuring "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" ads at the bottom of my posts. I wouldn't mind these ads if you douchers clicked on them so I could make 2 cents. But if I am not profiting from ads for a horrible movie, I must object.
The only explanation for the ads must be my previous posts about the movie. I guess Google Ads doesn't pick up all content since I wrote that the movie was epically terrible and painfully unfunny. It's not even so bad it's funny like Fire Birds. It's just bad. You would figure with all the times I have talked about Carolla, I would have some ads featuring him or Journey.

This whole thing makes me as mad as the new McDonald's commercial with the guy that tells people not to talk to him until he has had his coffee. I promise you that if someone said something that stupid to me in real life I would punch them without hesitation. If someone was then foolhardy enough to ask, "Why did you hit me? I was just keeping it real," I would punch them even harder for being super lame. If the second punch didn't send a clear enough message and this fool then said, "Was me telling you not to speak until I have had my coffee TMI?," I would probably commit a homicide. So, let's all get on the same page and help me avoid being incarcerated for assaulting caffeine deprived individuals on the street.

I am working on a new post that will discuss a shake up in my Carolla world: Ace has sided with Leno. Shameful!

Until then, enjoy this video of Aziz Ansari's comedy. I enjoy Aziz's comedy on a different level since he looks exactly like my friend Jordan. Not sure why that cracks me up, but it does.

Blame Jonathan!

Today I need to take a moment to honor the person most responsible (or to blame, depending on your views of my writing) for this blog, my brother Jonathan. It was Jonathan's Carolla stories that got me hooked on the radio show, leading to my inability to carry on a simple conversation without mentioning Carolla. That inability led to the increasing tension with Jessica, which became this bet and blog.
Since it's Jon's birthday, he gets a special blog post (no worries Melissa, you'll get one too). Does anyone else remember those knock off colognes that said things like: "If you like Drakkar Noir, you'll love Dark Nights." That is how I feel about Jon. If you like me, you'll love Jon since he is better than me in every appreciable way: he's funnier, more handsome, smarter, more athletic, doesn't write unreadable blogs, enjoys music videos by bands other than Journey, etc, etc. I hope that isn't too much of a backhanded compliment, using an analogy about bad cologne in regard to my brother. I just always enjoyed that phrase. (As an aside, it's not like Drakkar even smelled good or was so prohibitively expensive that buying a knock off was necessary; it's not exactly like wanting an expensive watch and buying the knock off version).
It is pretty cool for me to look back at my life and realize that so many of my favorite memories involve my brother. We saw Michael Jordan from 10 feet away together, would eat unreasonable amounts of chicken planks from LJS, then go to the $1 movies, saw great concerts and recently had an amazing Vegas trip. I'm blessed to have a great brother. As the older brother, I never figured that my younger brother would have such an impact on my personality, but he did. Before you blame him for my shortcomings, realize I would be so much more unreasonable if not for him. His influence has kept me tolerable for society. Happy Birthday brother. As a special treat, here you go: 1 and 2.

Special shout outs:
1. To my favorite anonymous Canadian reader: Congrats on the job. I hope it's something enjoyable and inspiring. And that they don't block this site so you can read this at work.
2. Everyone needs to visit Got to get it ON! It's a website chronicling Carolla's appearances and related material. The guy that runs it is truly doing the Lord's work. Plus there is a game on the site that allows you (as Carolla) to box Donny, his assistant. While it is not as challenging as hitting Tiger's mistresses with golf balls from various distances, it's always enjoyable to punch a hippie.
3. Lastly, to my exceeding gracious and understanding bride. She puts up with more than any woman should endure, from my ridiculous theories, minor occurrences that lead to 10 minute rants and a never ending string of songs that I make her listen to in order to guess the 10 second segment of the song that makes it amazing. She's gotten really good at figuring those out. If you want to play the at home version, here's a song: Which segment is the kind of song Gregg would write if he could write songs?

As always, thanks for reading. Until next time, Mahalo!

This is how rich I would be

After spending even more time thinking about the ability to call my past self, I started to wonder how much money I could have made. I figure the most money I could muster at 15 would be 100 bucks, but the bigger problem would be finding a degenerate to place the bet for me. I also had to make some assumptions on odds since I couldn't find historical odds. Based on current odds for 2010, I estimate that the average eventual champion would be about 8-1 at the beginning of the year. So assuming that I could find a gambling fiend to place my bets while still underage, here's the payout:

1994: $100 bet at 8-1 = $900 (800 from the bet, plus the original 100 I bet); pay degenerate $100, save 300 since I may not fully trust my future self yet.
1995: $500 at 8-1 = 4500; pay degenerate 200; save 1000 (1300 total)
1996: $3000 at 8-1 = $27,000; pay degenerate 500; save 6500 (8800 total)
1997: $20,000 at 8-1 = $180,000; pay degenerate 5000; save 25,000 (33,800 total)
1998: $150,000 at 8-1 = 1,350,000; no longer pay degenerate since I am of legal age to bet; save 550,000 (583,800 total, which is now in a money market earning interest to pay my living expenses)
1999: 800,000 at 8-1 = 6,400,000; save 4.4 million;
at this point, I am not sure if a casino will allow you to book a bet for more than 1 million, so 2000-2004 is as follows:
2000-2004: 1,000,000 at 8-1= 9,000,000; save 8 million for google fund;
So in 2004 when Google IPO's I have 40 million to invest at the price of $85, which equals 470,000 shares. Let's say I am a coward and sell when it hits 600, I would now have 282 Million from google, plus a guaranteed 9 million until 2009 from the hoops bets. I'm pretty sure I could live comfortably on that.

At that point I would have no need to gamble anymore. So if someone out there can bend the laws of time and physics let me know. We could be really rich.