Close call...

Readers, we had a close one today. Jessica and I were watching TV when a preview for "Fast and Furious" (not to be confused with THE Fast and THE Furious) came on TV. Obviouisly we are excited for Vin Diesel and Paul Walker to be reunited, since the cinema has not seen chemistry like that since Swayze and Reeves. They showed Jordana Brewster in the trailer, which reminded me of an interview I heard with her on Carolla's old radio show. She said in the interview that she:
1. Doesn't know how to drive a stick
2. Doesn't remember how the first movie ended, and
3. Doesn't know what the story of the new movie is.

Think about that for a second. She is in a movie that costs tens of millions of dollars and has no clue what happens. Imagine if you showed up to work and did your job and had literally no idea what you just did. You would be fired immediately right? Well, maybe not...
ANYWAY, I almost let this slip in our ensuing discussion of the new movie. Thankfully I kept it inside. I also wanted to talk to her about Carolla's theory that Vin Diesel is only in movies because of his name. Hold the phone, you mean this guy can't act? That is just crazy talk. I'm sure Jessica is upset about this bet now since she missed out on me talking for 15 minutes about how Vin Diesel will never be as good as Seagal, followed by me "proving" my theory by making her watch "Out for Justice."

I think I have come up with another theory that I think is genius. During lunch I saw Sean Penn on a magazine and went on and on about how despicable it is that there are rumors that he has seduced Natalie Portman. That really hurts. Dear, sweet Natalie should not be with douchers like Penn. This led me to tell my friend Katie about how much I despise Sean Penn, etc, etc. She told me about her husbands crush on Jennifer Garner, which leads to my new theory. If your significant other has a celebrity crush, isn't it better for that person to look something like you? With Portman, she and Jessica have similar hair color, skin color, although one is Jewish and the other is not. (Jessica will think that is funny). With Katie and Jen Garner same thing. (sidenote: Speaking of Jen Garner, that reminds me of my now departed co-worker Lawrence. Lawrence really liked Jen Garner. His wife did not. So, being a respectful co-worker, I signed him up for every Jen Garner fan site on the internet.). I think I would find it distressing if Jessica told me her celebrity crush was Jackie Chan or something. Not only is he a short Asian man, he is not very handsome. I guess that would still be better than her liking a young Ron Howard. But I think what everyone should really be looking for is something between Brad Pitt and Jackie Chan. Pitt is unattainable, Chan is creepy. This theory does present a problem for me. My combination of features is not very handsome and a case can be made it is close to Conan O'Brien. Not exactly high praise. So Jessica is in a no win situation. If she says her crush is someone that looks like me, she has tacitly said I am not good looking. If she picks someone handsome she makes me insecure. I will update you on which way she decides to crush me.

My Tar Heels are in the Final Four. Let's hope they perform better than last year. I am going to watch the game, then see William Fitzsimmons directly afterwords. My head very well might explode from too much excitement. In that case, Jessica must pay Melissa the $1000 since she was the inspiration for the blog and Jessica didn't have the foresight to write a death clause into our contract.
Until next time, Mahalo!

A day without 2 of my favorite things

It is now halftime of the OU/UNC game and not only am I getting the stink eye from Jessica for cheering for UNC, she just told me she threw away one of my Carolina t-shirts that I have had since 1995. She later confessed that was a lie, but the damage was done. Couple this with not being able to talk about Carolla and it is a rough day for your humble narrator. The Heels are up 9. I am hopeful they can have another strong half and make their way to the Final Four.

I would also like to welcome new readers, courtesy of Amy Fischer alerting my co-workers to the existence of this blog. And no, it is not that Amy Fisher. I am clearly not worthy of a reader who is celebrity.

Back to the game. My next post will either be very cheerful in the event of an UNC win, or full of extreme vitriol in the event of an UNC loss.

My Apologies

Astute readers may have noticed my ridiculous error in misspelling Jessica in the most recent poll. It is a horrible mistake and since people have voted I cannot edit the poll. Just please be aware I know how to spell her name. Sloppy drafting like this is why this blog will never be successful.

I am only have way through the latest podcast with Dana Gould and it is pure gold. Dana does an amazing Huell Howser. If you don't know Huell, watch this. They started going crazy about how everyone with a crappy job needs Huell to come by and talk about their work to make them feel better. Huell is an unending source of amazement and surprise. You could show him the crappiest thing on earth and he acts like it is gold. I wish I knew him just so I could buy him junk for his birthday and have him react like I bought something amazing.

Jessica is attempting to make me lose my mind today. She is making me watch "Make Me a Supermodel." Dear readers, I don't know that I have the strength to endure this. It is a hideous show full of complete narcissists and average looking women. I am not sure who decided that models shouldn't be pretty anymore, but that was a bad decision. It seems like they are trying to find a diamond in the rough, but we all know there are only 3 diamonds in the rough.

3 more podcasts to listen to this week. Hopefully, we can expand the blog and get me a guest spot on Ace's podcast.

Amendment to previous post

I can't believe that just yesterday I wrote about how hair stylists are more attractive because of their job. Well, that theory died a strange death today. I went to get my hair cut and had a heavy set blond hair stylist. Needless to say "she" was not attractive in any way. We had the normal conversation as the haircut began. I told her I was a lawyer and she told me that she had a bad experience with lawyers in the past. I asked what happened, and she told me that she had to get a new birth certificate and had some trouble getting it finished. Then she said this: "To be honest, I was born a man and needed to get a new birth certificate." Oh my. She went on to tell me about her boyfriend in Egypt and how she wants to marry him. But the worst part was when she told me that her previous lawyer was a woman, who used to be a man. And that she was married to a woman when she was a man, and is still with her. I was really thinking about just getting up in the middle of my haircut so I didn't have to listen to anymore. It was completely terrifying. I am just proud that I didn't laugh as she was telling me this. To cap it off, her name is Blondie. I am not clever enough to make this up.

Carolla had Bill Simmons on today, which combines two of my favorite things. I haven't even finished listening to it yet, but there is already so much to talk about. They began the podcast by discussing something that I have talked about many times. Everyone who knows me knows that I have a crush on Natalie Portman which dates back to her in "Beautiful Girls." She was 13 at the time. But when the movie came out, I was 15. The topic became, are you a pervert to watch that movie and be attracted to Natalie Portman at 13 knowing she becomes an attractive woman. Carolla voted Not a Pervert. I tend to agree. I have had these conversations many times and everyone always tells me that I am a pervert for my stance. I disagree. When I first saw her it was age appropriate, so I maintain that it is still appropriate. The gray area is when someone becomes famous that is younger than 18, when you are older than that. If that is the test, Bill Simmons clearly failed. Bill Simmons might get into trouble with the pedo police because he started talking about seeing a girl that looked like Miley Cyrus and being attracted to her, thinking she was 27. Turns out it was actually Miley Cyrus. So, that clearly makes Bill Simmons a pervert. So, if you see Simmons walking around your neighborhood, do not be alarmed, sometimes people make mistakes.

Happy Birthday Melissa. Until next time, Mahalo!

Disappointing Homecoming (Day 18)

I made my return to Oklahoma City after 4 days in Vegas, and what is here to greet me? More voting fraud. It is so disappointing that Jessica is attempting to confuse me once more by taking advantage of my lack of sophistication with computers.

ANYWAY, Vegas was a wonderful time. Jon and I got to discuss Carolla at length and also see many of Carolla's favorite Vegas spots, including this. It was great to see Jon and get to spend so much time with him.

This may be a first: I may have come up with a Carolla-esqe theory before him. I have a long standing theory that certain jobs make a woman more attractive (such as a trade show manager for a boutique dental supply company or creative service manager at an advertising agency). I was thinking of this theory on the plane to Vegas, where I decided that the stewardess was a walking around 7, but in flight 8. I have run this by a couple of people, who all seem to be in agreement. Then on the podcast, Carolla made the same point with people with accents, which is also true. Maybe we need to have a test case with an English stewardess, but that may just be too overwhelming. I don't have a definitive list for jobs that make a woman better looking, but it would include stewardess, side line sports reporter, musician and hair stylist.

I have 3 new episodes of the podcast waiting for me. I cannot wait to listen and recount my favorite moments with all 4 of you.

There is so much more to write about Vegas, but I am far to tired. The good thing is that because I have so much to say about Vegas, I am not tempted to talk to Jessica about Carolla. Good times.

No More Voting Fraud

It is so nice to see that no voting irregularity has destroyed the integrity of the most recent poll. I am sure it is just a matter of time until Jessica figures out a way to subvert justice once more.

Please pick up the courtesy phone...

Time once more to GET IT ON. Remember, no choice but to GET IT ON.
Big week for Ace's podcast. He had Joel McHale on Thursday. There just isn't a better guest than Joel. It was another great episode that I highly recommend you all listen to right now. The podcast is actually #1 on iTunes, which drives Jessica out of her mind.

Speaking of driving Jessica out of her mind, I have a great new plan. Jessica was foolhardy enough to alert her work friends to this blog in an effort to win the previous poll. Bad idea. I think that all of Jessica's work friends should have a constant barrage of Carolla talk with Jessica at work. You are all evil geniuses, so I am sure you will figure out a way to make the podcast play through the work speakers, or hijack her computer and play it on a loop.

Carolla and McHale were talking about all the great fake names that can be announced over the speakers at a public establishment. They ran through all the classics, Haywoode Jablome, etc. Carolla starting talking about his new favorite, Harry Seaward (which is my fantasy basketball team and never ceases to make me laugh). Since Jon and I are going to Vegas next week, I am planning to have Harry Seaward paged every where we go, just to make him laugh. I am picturing how delighted Jonathan will be by this and laughing.

I really wish I could talk to Jessica about the podcast. Her biggest complaint about the Adam Carolla Show was how often Adam would yell about things. I understand it is insane to not enjoy Carolla's rants, but this is the same woman who doesn't like The Catcher in the Rye. But the podcast has a much different feel since he does it in his house, exclusively with guests he enjoys. It goes without saying that the absence of Strasser is a huge plus. The podcast with Joel also had some great talk from Carolla about how young girls don't like beets and if he ever found himself single he would use that to screen girls that were too old. He said if the girl says she likes beets, she's clearly too old. Just don't tell that to this guy.

The other great part of the podcast was Carolla talking about all his insane buddies and the nonsense they do to each other. It basically involves trying to pee on each other or wrestling nude. It all sounds horrifying, but it was hilarious. As much as I want to be buddies with Ace, I clearly wouldn't fit into his crowd. I can't take a sip of another persons drink, so I would obviously lose my mind if someone peed on my leg.

Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!