The Silence is Over

I know I have made you all many promises over the past couple months. Specifically that I will write about Carolla and that it will be entertaining. I failed miserably on both fronts. When I did write something it was occasionally Carolla related, but rarely entertaining. Well, at this point, you know what you are getting, so don't expect anything interesting from me. But as an apology and show of good faith, I give you this for the holidays. I assure you the previous link isn't what you were expecting, so just click it.

Before I start, I do need to mention another reason I have been silent as of late. I was informed that my beloved Asteroid 4535 is actually my beloved bride. I felt so betrayed, since I was sure Asteroid was a loyal Ace fan. To find there was a traitor in our midst was disheartening. It is nice that she took the time to do some Carolla research and I think she is secretly a fan.

There are currently some shenanigans at my office. As they said in Rocky 4, what started out as a joke has turned into a disaster. There were a couple guys growing various forms of facial hair for the past few weeks. I didn't shave for a few days and someone asked me what was going on with all the guys having beards. I lied and said it was for a beard growing contest and that I was donating all the money to the Human Fund. This person was obviously not a Seinfeld fan and didn't understand my reference to George's made up charity. Well, now there really is a contest, but thankfully we have a real benefactor, not some figment of my imagination. I have come up with a great strategy to win the contest. I am going to have a week of novelty beards, including mutton chops, boy band pencil beard and just plain mustache. I think my variety will overcome my lack of ability to grow an actual nice looking beard.

The real reason I am writing is to have an outlet to discuss the most fascinating show in years: Jersey Shore. If you don't know about Jersey Shore, I feel sorry for you. It follows the adventures of Pauly D, Jenni ("JWOWW"), Angelina ("Jolie"), Vinnie, Ronnie, Sammi ("Sweetheart"), Nicole ("Snooki") and Mike ("The Situation") enjoying a summer at the Jersey shore. It is entirely unclear at this point if any of the nicknames were given by other people, but I suspect they are all self appointed. The Situation is the breakout character and really needs a documentary crew following him at all times so his behavior can be studied. He is the type of character that could not exist in scripted television, to the point that I would say no actor alive could portray him. He has an incredible ego, seeing as he nicknamed himself "The Situation" because of his abs, yet is so hurt and vulnerable when the girl he has known for less than 48 hours rejects his advances. It was the kind of emotion that would win an Oscar, assuming the Academy went back to rewarding good performances and not people that play gay, disabled or transgendered (or all 3 together) characters.

But the moment I really want to talk about happened last night, when a despondent Ronnie left the club after Sammi gave her number to another man. He was so upset that he decided to lay down in his bed, above the covers, in only a towel. When Sammi came home to talk to him, he got out of bed, adjusted his towel and had a heart felt conversation with her. Would it have been too much to ask for him to put on some board shorts prior to the conversation? Secondly, who sleeps in a towel? That cannot be comfortable. To top it off, this emotional conversation was taking place as Sweatheart was removing her hair extensions. As explained to Nic Cage's character in 8MM, some things you just can't unsee. That scene is one of those things. I will always remember where I was when two drunk idiots poured their hearts out to each other in grunts, whilst wearing a towel and removing hair extensions saying "like" at least 50 times. It's the kind of moment that makes you re-evaluate your life and start questioning the choices that have led to you watching this type of nonsense. I probably need some professional help.

I hope I get some credit for referencing 2 movies that could not be more opposite. Rocky 4 was brilliant in every respect, especially the scene where Rocky drives his Lambo as images of Apollo flash in his mind. On the other hand 8MM is creepy and terrible, mainly since it features my arch nemesis Nic Cage. The only good scene he ever filmed was in Firebirds. And yes, I would like some strawberry gum.

Scene from a bad movie

I dedicated my last post to the failure that is Tucker Max's movie. Well, now there are scenes online, posted by the creators. Keep in mind that they felt this was a great scene, otherwise there is no use in releasing it.

Bad movie clip

If you like the clip, we cannot be friends. It's just that simple.

Now to cleanse your palette, enjoy: Perfection. This was the first song they played at their OKC concert. I could not have been more delighted. Especially since the new lead singer bought Steve Perry's voice, clothes and haircut from 1984.

Tucker Max doesn't like questions about Carolla

At the outset, I must apologize for my lack of posting. It's pretty embarrassing how long my posts take me, considering they are often devoid of anything funny and/or interesting. Plus, I have more at stake now, since if I piss Jessica off by writing about my opinions of her choices in television and movies, I'll end up sleeping on the couch. I'll ease back into writing more frequently and hopefully you'll end up enjoying it.

And now for my Tucker Max story: If you don't know who he is, a little background. He gained a modest amount of internet fame for a story involving an ex-girlfriend after she sued him to remove the story from his site. He won the case and made some headlines since it was an early 1st amendment case involving the internet. He parlayed that fame into a book and a long line of doucher fans. He now has a movie. Tucker's promises of the movie included that it would be a revolutionary comedy, feature no hijinks, an original story, fully formed characters and be a box office hit. Tucker also frequently commented that his movie would top any box office number The Hangover could do. Of course, The Hangover has gone on to be the biggest R rated comedy ever.

I followed the movie production blog and was excited to see that Tucker would be traveling to Norman amongst his 31 city tour to premiere the movie. The movie looked terrible based on the script and trailer, so needless to say I couldn't wait for it. My love of bad movies has long been chronicled on this page and Tucker's seemed poised to join the pantheon.

Here's the set up: the premiere featured Tucker and writing partner Nils Parker (doing an opening, plus aftershow Q&A), plus a free shirt, beer glass, bumper sticker, movie poster, bag, pen, bottle opener and a WWTD wristband, plus movie admission for $10. So basically for the price of an evening movie. I was ecstatic over the possibilities.

Before I get to my review of the movie, here's the Carolla story: After watching the movie, I wanted to ask a question about a scene where the Tucker character says the title of the movie, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, at what is supposed to be the climatic scene, where Tucker realizes the error of his ways. Carolla has long insisted that this is the tell tale sign of a bad movie, that a character says the title in an obvious way. (See my post about The Ugly Truth). So, I stood up to ask about it, but didn't get to finish my question, because as soon as I said it was Carolla's theory, Tucker freaked out and started making comments about how bad Carolla's movie was and how it didn't make any money. I didn't even get to mention how Nic Cage's character dramatically says he wants to take John Travolta's face....off in the movie Face/Off! Of course his reaction had nothing to do with my question and just illustrated how insecure Tucker really is. The amazing part was that he went on to list how his movie is so different than every other Hollywood comedy. Problem is it is a completely derivative movie. The premise is a bachelor party, something goes wrong, a lesson is learned and the lead saves the day. Not exactly original. Plus one of his friends falls for the stripper with the heart of gold. (his friend is also the most insecure, woman hating person in the movie; He thinks all woman are whores, yet falls for the stripper after insulting her for 20 minutes. We are supposed to believe this is realistic since the stripper says she didn't cheat on her baby daddy?) There is also scene in which a character mentions a scene from Wedding Crashers, then proceeds to put eye drops in Tucker's beer, just like Wedding Crashers. Then we get to see the results of the prank. When I say see them, I mean that literally. They literally show the dude's butt as it is spraying poop. Very classy. Plus I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as being original when you steal a bit from a movie and just add seeing actual shit instead of just seeing a guy in the bathroom.

My review of the movie: It is flat terrible. And not terrible in a fun, let's watch it on cable and crack jokes with buddies kind of way. It's just bad, unfunny and poorly done.

Lastly, Tucker made fun of how bad Carolla's movie was. Just for comparision's sake, here's the Rotten Tomatoes links to each:
Carolla
Tucker

I'll take Carolla's 71, vs. Tucker's 22 and falling any day. I suggest you avoid the movie at all costs.

Jess and I have tickets to Journey next week. Expect a lot of posts involving this.

Recent Movie Review

Jessica and I decided to go to the movies this weekend. We did not choice wisely. We opted for the 5:15 showing of "The Goods." Mistake No. 1.
Mistake No. 2 was arriving far too early for the movie. Instead of sitting in the theater, I recommended that we sneak into a nearby theater to enjoy part of another movie while we waited. Now sneaking into the movie by itself isn't a mistake, but the movie we chose certainly was. We went into "The Ugly Truth." Holy crap, it's awful. But in a weird way it is Carolla related since the star of the pile of crap, Gerard Butler, visited Carolla's radio show to prepare for his role. He sure didn't absorb any comedy while he was there because the only funny moment that we saw was when Katherine Heigel's character said, "Well, I guess the truth is ugly." Holy crappy pun. All hell broke loose when I started to laugh uncontrollably. Jessica has never been more embarrassed by me then she was in that moment. She told me that the rest of the theater had invested 90 minutes with the movie and I shouldn't be an ass (her words) and laugh at it. I told her that if people were stupid enough to buy a ticket to the movie, they should expect people to come in midway through and goof on it. She said if I laughed one more time, she was going to make me get up. (While we are at it, please give me credit for resisting the many opportunities for puns that two terrible movies called "The Ugly Truth," and "The Goods" provide). The end of the movie was so predictable that I bet Jessica $10,000 what it would be 10 minutes before it happened, and I was right. Too bad that it was so obvious only a fool would have doubted what was about to happen.

"The Goods" is legitimately one of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Terrible writing, stupid story and an even worse Will Ferrell cameo. It is a mess of a movie and I honestly cannot imagine how it could have been worse. I like Jeremy Piven, but who does he think he is fooling with his hair plugs. Come on. The guy was bald when he was cast to play George on "Jerry", Seinfeld's show within a show. Here's proof.
I know none of you follow my advice when I tell you to listen to Journey and watch basketball games from 25 years ago, but please heed my warnings. Do not see "The Goods". Act as if "The Goods" is a mogwai and that seeing it is like feeding it after midnight.

Did you all click on that Journey video? Please tell me you did. It's truly magnificent. If you're still unsure, just know that Steve Perry has a scene where he shaves his mustache with the most disappointed look possible on his face. Enjoy!

Actual Carolla Talk

I know you have all been missing my Carolla talk. At least I hope at least some of you have. I've decided to return to my roots on this blog and start writing about the magic of Ace once more. Sure, it will cause some marital strain, but she knew what she was getting into by marrying me.

One of the recent highlights of Ace's podcast was his story about his wife's obsession with Bruce Springsteen. Ace is constantly complaining that his wife doesn't cook, sew, clean, etc., and he has a plan to change all that. He wants to pay Bruce a huge amount of money to do one of his long winded song intros and talk about how he had a girlfriend that didn't do any cooking or sewing and how it was the reason they broke up. Bruce then should encourage all the ladies in the audience to make sure they take care of their man by performing those tasks. (Then Bruce goes into the song, 2, 3, 4). Ace is convinced that his wife would immediately run to the store to buy a sewing machine. This is just inspired stuff. I'm thinking that I need to convince the writer of a certain series of novels involving teenage vampires to do the same thing for Jess. If this writer of a series of books involving the forbidden love of a human and a vampire, who shall remain nameless, could include passages about how cooking for your husband is the ultimate expression of love, I'm pretty sure Jess would do it. You see dear reader(s?), Jessica "allegedly" enjoyed the 4 part series of the supernatural teenager and his human girlfriend, which again, must remain anonymous, so much that if I just typed up some pages and glued them into one of the books, she would be so enthralled she may not even notice. I'll work on the some passages to add to the book and report back with the results.

Jerry O'Connell was a recent guest on the show. Jerry is the kind of guy that every guy is trained to hate from an early age. He's funny, good looking, reasonably talented and most of all sleeps next to her. My natural instinct is to call him, in the words of Dameshek, JERK! (laser sounds). But I just can't hate the guy. Well done good sir is all that can be said.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Another fun fact

Since you all seemed to enjoy my secret fear of seeing a robbery in progress at Blockbuster, I thought I'd share another odd fact about me. I revealed for the first time today that the reason I order the 6 inch sub at Subway instead of the footlong has nothing to do with my appetite or being on a diet. The reason why is quite simple: I don't want them to have to cut my sandwich. Let me explain: when you order the footlong they cut the sandwich using the knife that they use for everyone else. So we all know what that means: When the gross guy in front of you orders a sandwich with extra ranch and mayo, they cut it with the knife. God forbid they cleaned the knife between sandwiches. Even if they did, it would still gross me out. But since they don't clean it, it makes me sick and I wouldn't dare eat the sandwich since there would be mayo/ranch residue on my sandwich. I told Jessica about this and it seemed pretty clear that she was dismayed by this information. There are just some things that you can't reveal prior to marriage and my unnatural fear of a shared utensil is on that list.

I may have to make this a running segment on the blog. Trust me, there is a wealth of material since my neurotic tendencies no almost no bounds.

Carolla related update coming soon, along with more hilarious Journey videos, since I'm sure you've missed them. Until then, Mahalo!

Are you sure Ed's not gay?

ummmm..... yikes.

Wow, that removes all doubt right? I have no words.