Jessica has been asking me to write my review of Fast 5. I refuse! Take that Jess. You aren't the boss of me. Plus, Carolla and Simmons already did a breakdown which was better than anything I could do. Just know this, it's a fantastic picture. It features many staples of bad action movies, including it being the last job for Vin and Paul. (Even though Fast 6 is coming soon).
So, instead I want to talk about my 2 favorite commercials. Every single time one of these comes on, I lose my mind. Jess has heard me rant about each no less than 50 times.
1. Certain-Dri: This one has been a fast climber for me. I seem to remember it airing years and years ago and its back. Thankfully.
I love literally everything about this commercial. First we have the blonde scutteze that just so happens to complain to the handsome gentleman about how much she is sweating. Has that ever happened? It is the most insane thing I've ever witnessed in a commercial. But good thing for her, he has the solution since he wears Certain Dri, which is the No. 1 doctor recommended antiperspirant. Then, this whole thing takes a turn. Instead of this attractive woman being horrified that this chap needs prescription strength deodorant, she's only interested in finding out if he is a doctor. Shouldn't she be running from this man, who apparently sweats so violently that no ordinary deodorant can keep him dry?
In news that will shock no one, once she finds out he is a doctor, her only reaction is to say "Very cool," then cozy up to him. And just when you think it can get no better, at the very end for no reason in particular, she says "cool" again after the tag. I have no idea why she does but I am certain that it cracks me up to no end.
After the commercial runs, I usually make a series of off color jokes about the sweaty doctor inviting the young girl up to his hotel room to have carnal relations on the special sheets he has to bring with him, since he will sweat straight through ordinary hotel sheets.
2. Hair Club: Now I'm certainly not breaking comedy ground by making fun of Hair Club for Men. But the part that is the funniest to me is something I've never heard anyone else talk about: Greg the musician. Watch the commercial and pause it at the 1:33 mark. That's our boy Greg. He gives his testimonial at 1:46. I die laughing every single time. That clown has the worst hair I've ever seen. It's the complete opposite of anything you would legitimately want in a hair cut, yet this cat couldn't be prouder. It's coiffed in a ridiculous fashion, highlighted and to put the cherry on the shit sundae, he rocks a soul patch. Just absurd.
The other thing that bothers me about the commercial are the brothers in it. I'm pretty sure it's not racist to say this: shouldn't the brothers just go with a bald head? Haven't we all agreed that is a good look? Especially if the alternative is spending a couple grand to get hair.
Now that you guys are aware of these commercials, make sure you keep a keen eye out for them. It will enrich your life.
In baby news: Most of you know that we aren't revealing our baby girl's name to the public prior to her arrival. But if you read this post closely, you'll find her name spelled out in the post. Good luck!
Until next time, Mahalo!
Monday, May 23, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Bub's is a....
It's a girl! She was very modest yesterday, but let us get confirmation on gender. As soon as we did, she put her knees back together. That's my girl! She's well on her way to making sure I meet the number 1 goal. I am so excited to meet my sweet baby girl.
Everyone keeps telling me that if I try to make her a tomboy I will fail. But even if she isn't a tomboy, hopefully I can accomplish the following:
1. Make sure she doesn't throw/run/catch like a "girl" in the pejorative sense. I just don't want her to be hopelessly unathletic.
2. Make sure she associates watching basketball with her dad as a treat and fun to do.
3. See above regarding Swayze/Reeves/Stallone/Seagal pictures.
Other than that, she can do all the girly stuff she wants with her mom.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Everyone keeps telling me that if I try to make her a tomboy I will fail. But even if she isn't a tomboy, hopefully I can accomplish the following:
1. Make sure she doesn't throw/run/catch like a "girl" in the pejorative sense. I just don't want her to be hopelessly unathletic.
2. Make sure she associates watching basketball with her dad as a treat and fun to do.
3. See above regarding Swayze/Reeves/Stallone/Seagal pictures.
Other than that, she can do all the girly stuff she wants with her mom.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Bub's Reveal
Well, today is the day we find out if Bubs is a girl or a boy. I cannot wait to find out what we are having. Of course, the knowledge of gender brings separate lists of responsibility as a father.
If it's a girl, my list of jobs is pretty short but vitally important:
1. Keep her off the pole (Trademark Chris Rock);
2. Make sure she has self esteem and self worth, which will ensure No. 1 happens.
And that's it. That is my job.
A boy, on the other hand, will give me a pretty long list of responsibility, most of which are pretty frivolous. I will have to teach him;
1. to throw a ball without looking like a girl;
2. proper running form;
3. that Swayze/Cage/Stallone/Seagal are awesome;
4. how to be a gentleman (opening doors, how to get on a elevator, what not to say in front of women, etc);
5. how to tie a tie;
6. how to pretend to fix stuff even if you have no idea what is wrong;
7. how to tell a joke (which we will probably need to learn together...);
8. how to grill meat;
9. how to shave; and
10. to hate Duke with the passion of 1000 suns.
And that is just off the top of my head. All of those things will be essential to a long and happy life.
Seriously though, I just can't wait to find out and am so excited that I get to be a dad. And that my kid is going to have an awesome mom. If it's a boy, I just hope he is prepared for his buddies making jokes about how hot his mom is. Because that will happen.
Until next time, Mahalo.
If it's a girl, my list of jobs is pretty short but vitally important:
1. Keep her off the pole (Trademark Chris Rock);
2. Make sure she has self esteem and self worth, which will ensure No. 1 happens.
And that's it. That is my job.
A boy, on the other hand, will give me a pretty long list of responsibility, most of which are pretty frivolous. I will have to teach him;
1. to throw a ball without looking like a girl;
2. proper running form;
3. that Swayze/Cage/Stallone/Seagal are awesome;
4. how to be a gentleman (opening doors, how to get on a elevator, what not to say in front of women, etc);
5. how to tie a tie;
6. how to pretend to fix stuff even if you have no idea what is wrong;
7. how to tell a joke (which we will probably need to learn together...);
8. how to grill meat;
9. how to shave; and
10. to hate Duke with the passion of 1000 suns.
And that is just off the top of my head. All of those things will be essential to a long and happy life.
Seriously though, I just can't wait to find out and am so excited that I get to be a dad. And that my kid is going to have an awesome mom. If it's a boy, I just hope he is prepared for his buddies making jokes about how hot his mom is. Because that will happen.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
And best bad movie of all time is...
1. Road House
Absurd leading man: I've got 2 words for you: Pat F'ing Swayze.
Let's go through the checklist to make sure he qualifies.
Shirtless tai chi? Check.
Impervious to pain? Check and Check.
Suave with the ladies? You bet.
Fashionable? What do you think?
Able to rip out a man's throat? Check mate!
Swayze was truly one of the greats. It's really a shame that he is more well know for chick flicks like Ghost and Dirty Dancing than he is for Road House and Point Break.
Meaningless conflict: I really shouldn't have to explain the plot of Road House because you all should have seen it dozen of times, but just in case I will explain. Swayze plays Dalton, who is the best cooler in the business. He is so good that everyone in any bar he goes to knows him. This picture was pre-Internet, so you have to figure that Dalton was pretty sweet to earn that reputation. Anyway, he gets hired to clean up the Double Deuce, which is the most out of control bar in the country, despite being in a small town. One problem, the evil Brad Wesley. He's busy shaking down all the businesses in town and isn't to happy with Dalton cleaning up his henchmen. Obviously shaking down legitimate businesses is not cool, but the death count in this movie does not justify the stakes. The final scene features the death of Wesley and all his henchmen with absolutely no consequences for Dalton, even though he just killed a half dozen people. Just absurd and wonderful to watch.
Needlessly intense villian: Ah, the immortal Brad Wesley. He flies his helicopter around, taunts Dalton with the best pool party since Dirk Digler met Chest Rockwell, then tops it all by demanding that his girlfriend strip in public at the Double Deuce. And, while not directly addressed, it appears that he had a thing with Dalton's love Doc. He's always giving Dalton the "I nailed your lady before you were around" look. Not cool Brad. He hits all the bad guy trademarks. He overdresses for everything, is surrounded by lackeys, has no respect for authority and feels some strange kinship with Dalton and wants to be his pal. As soon as Dalton refuses, it is on and you know someone is going to die.
Takes itself seriously: You bet your ass this is a serious movie. It's Swayze and Sam Elliot dispensing justice and trying to clean up the streets. What could be more serious. It's also a tale of a man who performs his job at the highest level imaginable. He's widely held as the best cooler in the business, but he remains humble enough to say that Wade Garrett is the best. Based upon that, we know he's a man of impecable character as well as fists of steel.
Final Verdict: There's a reason that this movie is on 5 times a day. It's entertaining, bizarre, hilarious, has something for the ladies as well as the men, quotable and just down right amazing. I cannot imagine a more perfect bad movie.
Any ideas for my next list? Otherwise I will tell boring stories about my child's impending birth. No one wants to hear that.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Absurd leading man: I've got 2 words for you: Pat F'ing Swayze.
Let's go through the checklist to make sure he qualifies.
Shirtless tai chi? Check.
Impervious to pain? Check and Check.
Suave with the ladies? You bet.
Fashionable? What do you think?
Able to rip out a man's throat? Check mate!
Swayze was truly one of the greats. It's really a shame that he is more well know for chick flicks like Ghost and Dirty Dancing than he is for Road House and Point Break.
Meaningless conflict: I really shouldn't have to explain the plot of Road House because you all should have seen it dozen of times, but just in case I will explain. Swayze plays Dalton, who is the best cooler in the business. He is so good that everyone in any bar he goes to knows him. This picture was pre-Internet, so you have to figure that Dalton was pretty sweet to earn that reputation. Anyway, he gets hired to clean up the Double Deuce, which is the most out of control bar in the country, despite being in a small town. One problem, the evil Brad Wesley. He's busy shaking down all the businesses in town and isn't to happy with Dalton cleaning up his henchmen. Obviously shaking down legitimate businesses is not cool, but the death count in this movie does not justify the stakes. The final scene features the death of Wesley and all his henchmen with absolutely no consequences for Dalton, even though he just killed a half dozen people. Just absurd and wonderful to watch.
Needlessly intense villian: Ah, the immortal Brad Wesley. He flies his helicopter around, taunts Dalton with the best pool party since Dirk Digler met Chest Rockwell, then tops it all by demanding that his girlfriend strip in public at the Double Deuce. And, while not directly addressed, it appears that he had a thing with Dalton's love Doc. He's always giving Dalton the "I nailed your lady before you were around" look. Not cool Brad. He hits all the bad guy trademarks. He overdresses for everything, is surrounded by lackeys, has no respect for authority and feels some strange kinship with Dalton and wants to be his pal. As soon as Dalton refuses, it is on and you know someone is going to die.
Takes itself seriously: You bet your ass this is a serious movie. It's Swayze and Sam Elliot dispensing justice and trying to clean up the streets. What could be more serious. It's also a tale of a man who performs his job at the highest level imaginable. He's widely held as the best cooler in the business, but he remains humble enough to say that Wade Garrett is the best. Based upon that, we know he's a man of impecable character as well as fists of steel.
Final Verdict: There's a reason that this movie is on 5 times a day. It's entertaining, bizarre, hilarious, has something for the ladies as well as the men, quotable and just down right amazing. I cannot imagine a more perfect bad movie.
Any ideas for my next list? Otherwise I will tell boring stories about my child's impending birth. No one wants to hear that.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Bad Movies 2 and 3 (and a Bubs update)
Finally, the list you have been waiting for. But first, indulge me for my moment of being an annoying parent-to-be. We heard little baby Bubs heartbeat for the first time this week. It was the single greatest sound I have ever heard, just slightly edging out my previous favorite sound. Alright, enough about Bubs, on to the important matters.
3. Fire Birds
Absurd leading man: Ladies and gentlemen, the immortal Nic Cage. The man is a true pioneer in terrible cinema. If there was a Mount Rushmore of Bad Actors, he'd be on there. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Michael Jordan. If he were a candy, he'd be Swedish Fish. So yeah, he earns big points here.
Meaningless conflict: If you know me, you know my passion for Fire Birds burns deep and you probably expected it to rank higher on this esteemed list. Well, here's where it loses points. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, here's the Cliff Notes version courtesy of a YouTube video that some fantastic gentleman created. He is really doing the Lord's work and made the movie 10 minutes long. Enjoy. Obviously battling South American drug lords and protecting freedom is important.
Needlessly intense villian: Another area where this movie loses points since the villain never really speaks: He lets his helicopter do his talking. He is apparently too busy blowing everyone up to learn sweet lines to say after he kills people. When they finally have the good sense to remake this movie, that will be the first order of business. Just imagine if right before he got missile lock on an American, he pulled some great line like this. Still what he lacks in traditional bad movie intensity, he makes up for with steely glances and deadly missiles.
Takes itself seriously: This movie came out shortly after Top Gun and was clearly trying to ride its coattails to box office success. But instead of Cruise, Kilmer and Kelly McGillis, we get a crazed Cage, a disinterested Tommy Lee Jones and a grotesque Sean Young.
Final Verdict: Fire Birds is the underrated gem of bad movies. You really can't ask for more comedy and ridiculousness than it already gives you. I just wish more people have seen it so I could have long conversations about its greatness.
2. Karate Kid III
Absurd leading man: First we have a 28 year old Ralph Macchio playing a 17 year old, who looks like a 45 year old woman in jeans. By itself, that is one of the 10 most absurd things in the history of cinema. It's absurdity is multiplied by the single craziest performance in movie history turned in by Thomas Ian Griffith as Terry Silver. Just a tour de force by Mr. Griffith. (Bonus greatness)
Meaningless conflict: I have mixed emotions on this one: On one hand defending your All-Valley Teen karate championship is a big deal. On the other, a billionaire industrialist vows to humiliate a 17 year old in front of a thousand people and has to take months off his job to do it. By the way, I didn't make up the part about 1000 people, which is one of my all time favorite lines. Here's where it gets meaningless: to destroy Daniel-son, Terry is going to make him lose his All-Valley championship and nothing else. Keep in mind that this man has billions of dollars. Why doesn't he just hire someone to kill Daniel? Or buy the houses of all Danny's relatives and burn them to the ground? And Daniel has only fought in one karate tournament in his life, it's not like he was ending some long important streak.
Needlessly intense villian: Terry Silver needs no more discussion. Just watch him work.
Takes itself seriously: Here's where the movie loses some points, since it was clearly a cash grab. But still, there are no jokes in the movie, yet more laughs than any comedy in the last 5 years. The movie does try to get you to hate the bad guys for picking on poor Daniel-son, but I always end up rooting for Cobra Kai. Plus, why is it that Daniel starts pissing people off and getting his ass kicked within 5 minutes of every place he goes? I mean, he was in Japan for less than a day and already had a guy after him because Daniel was trying to run game on his girl. Show some respect Danny.
Final Verdict: To me, it's one of the finest comedies ever made. For some strange reason, most people haven't seen it. I say to those unfortunate souls, shame. No go and watch it.
Can you guess what No. 1 is? If you know me at all, it should be obvious. Until then, Mahalo.
3. Fire Birds
Absurd leading man: Ladies and gentlemen, the immortal Nic Cage. The man is a true pioneer in terrible cinema. If there was a Mount Rushmore of Bad Actors, he'd be on there. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Michael Jordan. If he were a candy, he'd be Swedish Fish. So yeah, he earns big points here.
Meaningless conflict: If you know me, you know my passion for Fire Birds burns deep and you probably expected it to rank higher on this esteemed list. Well, here's where it loses points. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, here's the Cliff Notes version courtesy of a YouTube video that some fantastic gentleman created. He is really doing the Lord's work and made the movie 10 minutes long. Enjoy. Obviously battling South American drug lords and protecting freedom is important.
Needlessly intense villian: Another area where this movie loses points since the villain never really speaks: He lets his helicopter do his talking. He is apparently too busy blowing everyone up to learn sweet lines to say after he kills people. When they finally have the good sense to remake this movie, that will be the first order of business. Just imagine if right before he got missile lock on an American, he pulled some great line like this. Still what he lacks in traditional bad movie intensity, he makes up for with steely glances and deadly missiles.
Takes itself seriously: This movie came out shortly after Top Gun and was clearly trying to ride its coattails to box office success. But instead of Cruise, Kilmer and Kelly McGillis, we get a crazed Cage, a disinterested Tommy Lee Jones and a grotesque Sean Young.
Final Verdict: Fire Birds is the underrated gem of bad movies. You really can't ask for more comedy and ridiculousness than it already gives you. I just wish more people have seen it so I could have long conversations about its greatness.
2. Karate Kid III
Absurd leading man: First we have a 28 year old Ralph Macchio playing a 17 year old, who looks like a 45 year old woman in jeans. By itself, that is one of the 10 most absurd things in the history of cinema. It's absurdity is multiplied by the single craziest performance in movie history turned in by Thomas Ian Griffith as Terry Silver. Just a tour de force by Mr. Griffith. (Bonus greatness)
Meaningless conflict: I have mixed emotions on this one: On one hand defending your All-Valley Teen karate championship is a big deal. On the other, a billionaire industrialist vows to humiliate a 17 year old in front of a thousand people and has to take months off his job to do it. By the way, I didn't make up the part about 1000 people, which is one of my all time favorite lines. Here's where it gets meaningless: to destroy Daniel-son, Terry is going to make him lose his All-Valley championship and nothing else. Keep in mind that this man has billions of dollars. Why doesn't he just hire someone to kill Daniel? Or buy the houses of all Danny's relatives and burn them to the ground? And Daniel has only fought in one karate tournament in his life, it's not like he was ending some long important streak.
Needlessly intense villian: Terry Silver needs no more discussion. Just watch him work.
Takes itself seriously: Here's where the movie loses some points, since it was clearly a cash grab. But still, there are no jokes in the movie, yet more laughs than any comedy in the last 5 years. The movie does try to get you to hate the bad guys for picking on poor Daniel-son, but I always end up rooting for Cobra Kai. Plus, why is it that Daniel starts pissing people off and getting his ass kicked within 5 minutes of every place he goes? I mean, he was in Japan for less than a day and already had a guy after him because Daniel was trying to run game on his girl. Show some respect Danny.
Final Verdict: To me, it's one of the finest comedies ever made. For some strange reason, most people haven't seen it. I say to those unfortunate souls, shame. No go and watch it.
Can you guess what No. 1 is? If you know me at all, it should be obvious. Until then, Mahalo.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
The Day Everything Changed
Sorry to take a break from the Top 3 Best Bad Movies of all time list that I'm sure you are all waiting for, but it's for a good reason. I've been waiting to talk about this since November 29, 2010, at approximately 8:00 pm. That is the exact time that my life changed forever. I found out that I'm going to be a father. Words cannot describe the emotions I went through at that moment. Things slowed down, I tried to capture what I was feeling and tried to appreciate that my life was never going to be the same. There are not many times in life that you can see/feel/know that what used to be is gone. This is one and I couldn't be happier. Since that day, I've listened to this song every single day because it captures the experience I'm living.
I've heard people say that you cannot understand how much you will love your child until you are a parent. I now believe it. I won't see my baby for 6 months and already there isn't anything I wouldn't do for little baby Bubs (tip of the cap to Sheridan for suggesting the nickname, especially since Bubs is one of my favorite characters from The Wire). I am just so grateful for this experience and for all that is to come. I cannot wait to be a dad. I'm not ashamed to say that just typing that I'm going to be a dad brings tears to my eyes. I've always known that I wanted to be a father and I know that I am going to be better at being a father than I have ever been at anything else.
I was going to detail my plan for making little Bubs obsessed with Pat Swayze, Nic Cage and Stallone pictures, how I'll teach life lessons using The Wire and convince Bubs that Larry Bird was the emperor of the United States from 1980-1993, but there will be time to discuss that later. Today, I just want to enjoy this moment, ponder what is to come and thank God for the wonderful woman I get to share it all with.
We will return to the usual frivolity soon. Mahalo!
I've heard people say that you cannot understand how much you will love your child until you are a parent. I now believe it. I won't see my baby for 6 months and already there isn't anything I wouldn't do for little baby Bubs (tip of the cap to Sheridan for suggesting the nickname, especially since Bubs is one of my favorite characters from The Wire). I am just so grateful for this experience and for all that is to come. I cannot wait to be a dad. I'm not ashamed to say that just typing that I'm going to be a dad brings tears to my eyes. I've always known that I wanted to be a father and I know that I am going to be better at being a father than I have ever been at anything else.
I was going to detail my plan for making little Bubs obsessed with Pat Swayze, Nic Cage and Stallone pictures, how I'll teach life lessons using The Wire and convince Bubs that Larry Bird was the emperor of the United States from 1980-1993, but there will be time to discuss that later. Today, I just want to enjoy this moment, ponder what is to come and thank God for the wonderful woman I get to share it all with.
We will return to the usual frivolity soon. Mahalo!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Top 5 Bad Movies
Alright, the list that no one but me has been waiting for: My Top 5 best bad movies of all time. Remember, there is a criteria and reason for the rankings. If you disagree with any ranking, you are simply wrong.
Before we get into the list, a quick story. I was flying to see my brother in Seattle and started chatting with a guy at the airport bar. He told me he worked for Starz, to which I replied, "Oh, you mean Nic Cage cable." He actually thought that was funny and we began to discuss why they play so many Nic Cage pictures on the network. Apparently Nic brings big ratings. Somethings just defy explanation.
Without further ado, to the list. (The Top 3 will be revealed at a later date, as this took me way longer than anticipated)
Honorable Mention:
8 MM;
Fast and Furious;
Con-Air;
Hard to Kill;
Broken Arrow;
Demolition Man;
and the hardest omission, Point Break. Point Break features two of the all time great bad actors dueling it out in between surfing, robbing banks and jumping out of planes. It was really hard leaving it out of the Top 5, but that just speaks to the strength of the rest of the list.
5. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Absurd leading man: Paul Walker. Walker delivers an absolutely magnificent performance as Brian O'Conner, a disgraced former Fed. It almost looks like he is reading cue cards off to the side of the screen. He has 0 charisma. He even walks funny. Next time it's on cable, check out his walk. It will change the way you watch the movie.
Meaningless conflict: Walker and his childhood buddy Tyrese must start running drugs for Cole Hauser's character who delivers a career ending performance. In one scene, they must evade the cops to deliver a package to Hauser that contains a cigar. Pretty sure that counts as meaningless.
Needlessly intense villian: As discussed above, Hauser fits the bill. He walks around in shirts unbuttoned to his navel and loves torturing people for no reason. In one scene he puts a rat under a bucket on a guy's chest, then takes a blow torch to the bucket to make the rat scratch the guy. As he's doing it, he laughs like a lunatic. He also walks around the whole time with a scowl and yells about people trying to take his money. It's fantastic. Plus he is almost certainly committing sex crimes on Eva Mendes' character for the duration of the movie.
Takes itself seriously: The movie had a huge budget, recognizable stars and has a minimal attempt to make jokes. Everything that happens has an important tone, even though it's all insanity.
Final Verdict: 2 Fast is a train wreck from start to finish, has horrible acting, no plot and more foolishness than I can detail. An immediate bad sign is that they couldn't even convince Vin Diesel to come back and reprise his role. It's not like he was doing anything of value at the time. But if it's on, I cannot change the channel.
4. Face/Off
Absurd leading man: Please, this has Nic Cage and John Travolta. The story is that Travolta is tracking super criminal Cage and must undergo a face transplant and body reconstruction to gain access to the prison where Cage's brother is being held to learn where a bomb is planted. They literally have to take his face.... off as Cage explains in one epic scene. Or more to the point, as the box of the DVD says, "In order to trap him. He must become him." Let's really take the time to digest this. The hypothesis is that it is possible to take Travolta's body, take Travolta's face off, put Cage's face on, then make Travolta's body the exact same as Cage's. Wow. But don't worry, they explain how it is possible in about 25 seconds. I can't remember it exactly, but it deals with some new special technology. (Which is always the answer; if that technology existed, every rich woman in the movie would look like Heidi Klum. Sounds good to me, get on it scientists).
Meaningless conflict: This is the weakness of the movie, since there is a bomb set in LA that could kill some number of people that I can't remember and don't care enough about to look up. Needless to say, if there weren't many civilian lives on the line, this would be a top 2 lock. But it does set up an essential part to a bad movie: only 3 people can know about what is going on. In this case, that Travolta has become Cage. So when Cage wakes up, he kills those 3 people and no one else knows what happened and they think that Cage is really Travolta. Confusing? Possibly. Awesome? No question.
Needlessly intense villian: Cage. Travolta. Both playing needlessly intense villains in the same film. Wrap your head around this one: Cage starts the movie doing Nic Cage things (i.e. awesome things like this), but then after the face transplant, it's supposed to be Cage acting like Travolta. And then we get Travolta acting like his body was inhabited by Cage. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor. It's so absurd and delightful.
Takes itself seriously: Once again, it had Cage and Travolta, two of the biggest stars in the world being directed by John Woo. It was clearly made as a legitimate film and is still funnier than the last 10 Adam Sandler movies combined.
Final Analysis: Too strange to believe and too wonderful to look away.
Stay tuned for the Top 3. Can anyone guess what it will be?
Before we get into the list, a quick story. I was flying to see my brother in Seattle and started chatting with a guy at the airport bar. He told me he worked for Starz, to which I replied, "Oh, you mean Nic Cage cable." He actually thought that was funny and we began to discuss why they play so many Nic Cage pictures on the network. Apparently Nic brings big ratings. Somethings just defy explanation.
Without further ado, to the list. (The Top 3 will be revealed at a later date, as this took me way longer than anticipated)
Honorable Mention:
8 MM;
Fast and Furious;
Con-Air;
Hard to Kill;
Broken Arrow;
Demolition Man;
and the hardest omission, Point Break. Point Break features two of the all time great bad actors dueling it out in between surfing, robbing banks and jumping out of planes. It was really hard leaving it out of the Top 5, but that just speaks to the strength of the rest of the list.
5. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Absurd leading man: Paul Walker. Walker delivers an absolutely magnificent performance as Brian O'Conner, a disgraced former Fed. It almost looks like he is reading cue cards off to the side of the screen. He has 0 charisma. He even walks funny. Next time it's on cable, check out his walk. It will change the way you watch the movie.
Meaningless conflict: Walker and his childhood buddy Tyrese must start running drugs for Cole Hauser's character who delivers a career ending performance. In one scene, they must evade the cops to deliver a package to Hauser that contains a cigar. Pretty sure that counts as meaningless.
Needlessly intense villian: As discussed above, Hauser fits the bill. He walks around in shirts unbuttoned to his navel and loves torturing people for no reason. In one scene he puts a rat under a bucket on a guy's chest, then takes a blow torch to the bucket to make the rat scratch the guy. As he's doing it, he laughs like a lunatic. He also walks around the whole time with a scowl and yells about people trying to take his money. It's fantastic. Plus he is almost certainly committing sex crimes on Eva Mendes' character for the duration of the movie.
Takes itself seriously: The movie had a huge budget, recognizable stars and has a minimal attempt to make jokes. Everything that happens has an important tone, even though it's all insanity.
Final Verdict: 2 Fast is a train wreck from start to finish, has horrible acting, no plot and more foolishness than I can detail. An immediate bad sign is that they couldn't even convince Vin Diesel to come back and reprise his role. It's not like he was doing anything of value at the time. But if it's on, I cannot change the channel.
4. Face/Off
Absurd leading man: Please, this has Nic Cage and John Travolta. The story is that Travolta is tracking super criminal Cage and must undergo a face transplant and body reconstruction to gain access to the prison where Cage's brother is being held to learn where a bomb is planted. They literally have to take his face.... off as Cage explains in one epic scene. Or more to the point, as the box of the DVD says, "In order to trap him. He must become him." Let's really take the time to digest this. The hypothesis is that it is possible to take Travolta's body, take Travolta's face off, put Cage's face on, then make Travolta's body the exact same as Cage's. Wow. But don't worry, they explain how it is possible in about 25 seconds. I can't remember it exactly, but it deals with some new special technology. (Which is always the answer; if that technology existed, every rich woman in the movie would look like Heidi Klum. Sounds good to me, get on it scientists).
Meaningless conflict: This is the weakness of the movie, since there is a bomb set in LA that could kill some number of people that I can't remember and don't care enough about to look up. Needless to say, if there weren't many civilian lives on the line, this would be a top 2 lock. But it does set up an essential part to a bad movie: only 3 people can know about what is going on. In this case, that Travolta has become Cage. So when Cage wakes up, he kills those 3 people and no one else knows what happened and they think that Cage is really Travolta. Confusing? Possibly. Awesome? No question.
Needlessly intense villian: Cage. Travolta. Both playing needlessly intense villains in the same film. Wrap your head around this one: Cage starts the movie doing Nic Cage things (i.e. awesome things like this), but then after the face transplant, it's supposed to be Cage acting like Travolta. And then we get Travolta acting like his body was inhabited by Cage. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor. It's so absurd and delightful.
Takes itself seriously: Once again, it had Cage and Travolta, two of the biggest stars in the world being directed by John Woo. It was clearly made as a legitimate film and is still funnier than the last 10 Adam Sandler movies combined.
Final Analysis: Too strange to believe and too wonderful to look away.
Stay tuned for the Top 3. Can anyone guess what it will be?
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