The Silence is Over

I know I have made you all many promises over the past couple months. Specifically that I will write about Carolla and that it will be entertaining. I failed miserably on both fronts. When I did write something it was occasionally Carolla related, but rarely entertaining. Well, at this point, you know what you are getting, so don't expect anything interesting from me. But as an apology and show of good faith, I give you this for the holidays. I assure you the previous link isn't what you were expecting, so just click it.

Before I start, I do need to mention another reason I have been silent as of late. I was informed that my beloved Asteroid 4535 is actually my beloved bride. I felt so betrayed, since I was sure Asteroid was a loyal Ace fan. To find there was a traitor in our midst was disheartening. It is nice that she took the time to do some Carolla research and I think she is secretly a fan.

There are currently some shenanigans at my office. As they said in Rocky 4, what started out as a joke has turned into a disaster. There were a couple guys growing various forms of facial hair for the past few weeks. I didn't shave for a few days and someone asked me what was going on with all the guys having beards. I lied and said it was for a beard growing contest and that I was donating all the money to the Human Fund. This person was obviously not a Seinfeld fan and didn't understand my reference to George's made up charity. Well, now there really is a contest, but thankfully we have a real benefactor, not some figment of my imagination. I have come up with a great strategy to win the contest. I am going to have a week of novelty beards, including mutton chops, boy band pencil beard and just plain mustache. I think my variety will overcome my lack of ability to grow an actual nice looking beard.

The real reason I am writing is to have an outlet to discuss the most fascinating show in years: Jersey Shore. If you don't know about Jersey Shore, I feel sorry for you. It follows the adventures of Pauly D, Jenni ("JWOWW"), Angelina ("Jolie"), Vinnie, Ronnie, Sammi ("Sweetheart"), Nicole ("Snooki") and Mike ("The Situation") enjoying a summer at the Jersey shore. It is entirely unclear at this point if any of the nicknames were given by other people, but I suspect they are all self appointed. The Situation is the breakout character and really needs a documentary crew following him at all times so his behavior can be studied. He is the type of character that could not exist in scripted television, to the point that I would say no actor alive could portray him. He has an incredible ego, seeing as he nicknamed himself "The Situation" because of his abs, yet is so hurt and vulnerable when the girl he has known for less than 48 hours rejects his advances. It was the kind of emotion that would win an Oscar, assuming the Academy went back to rewarding good performances and not people that play gay, disabled or transgendered (or all 3 together) characters.

But the moment I really want to talk about happened last night, when a despondent Ronnie left the club after Sammi gave her number to another man. He was so upset that he decided to lay down in his bed, above the covers, in only a towel. When Sammi came home to talk to him, he got out of bed, adjusted his towel and had a heart felt conversation with her. Would it have been too much to ask for him to put on some board shorts prior to the conversation? Secondly, who sleeps in a towel? That cannot be comfortable. To top it off, this emotional conversation was taking place as Sweatheart was removing her hair extensions. As explained to Nic Cage's character in 8MM, some things you just can't unsee. That scene is one of those things. I will always remember where I was when two drunk idiots poured their hearts out to each other in grunts, whilst wearing a towel and removing hair extensions saying "like" at least 50 times. It's the kind of moment that makes you re-evaluate your life and start questioning the choices that have led to you watching this type of nonsense. I probably need some professional help.

I hope I get some credit for referencing 2 movies that could not be more opposite. Rocky 4 was brilliant in every respect, especially the scene where Rocky drives his Lambo as images of Apollo flash in his mind. On the other hand 8MM is creepy and terrible, mainly since it features my arch nemesis Nic Cage. The only good scene he ever filmed was in Firebirds. And yes, I would like some strawberry gum.