Thursday, July 19, 2012

My best man speech

My brother Jonathan is getting married in 9 days and I am honored to be his best man. I assume I will get to give a best man speech. I have literally been writing his best man speech in my head for 3 years and am a little worried that I have too much material. I will have to make it a manageable length, which will be a challenge. The other challenge is making sure the speech lives up to the grandeur in my own mind. I'm mildly terrified that I will screw the whole thing up by swearing or stuttering. Hopefully I make it through unscathed. In putting together my thoughts, I did discover that there are whole websites dedicated to writing best man speeches. Most of the ideas are the worst. It is basically a Mad Lib, where you just select some physical traits and a few habits and it spits a speech. Super lame. Some of the jokes are so bad I cannot even re-type them. Worst part is they will charge you for the material. I am half tempted to pay for a speech and practice it in front on some select family members to see the horrified reactions I would get. I could act like I had no sense that the speech was terrible, then act all butt hurt that they didn't like it. It will be the greatest. If you are not entertained by this post, blame Jessica, as usual. I was going to publish the ongoing list of things that I have recently said are the best and the worst. Jess has been secretly writing down the various things upon which I heap praise and shame. The list is pretty amazing so far. But sadly, she won't share a copy with me. Please send her emails about this. She needs to know this is not acceptable behavior. Until next time...

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

And now for something completely different...

Today's installment has nothing to do with baby E or the Aceman. You're welcome. Instead I wanted to write about my personal fitness journey, if for no other reason than to give my 5 readers a permission to ask if I'm still working out so I don't get fat again.
In July 2010, I reached my heaviest weight ever. 310 pounds. It hurts to just type that number. I had simply fallen into awful eating habits and neglected exercise. I decided (or was inspired by my brother) to get back in shape. It started with simply trying to get through a 30 minute weight workout and swimming a few times/week. The weight started to disappear, but when you're 310, you have a long way to do. I gradually started doing more intense workouts and running. At first running 1 mile was all I could do. Slowly but surely I was able to add miles, just like I was adding weight to my lifts. I focused on doing the lifts I had always avoided, like squats, deadlifts and pull ups.
In addition to exercising, I committed myself to eating better and cutting out all the needless things I was eating. Eating right has certainly been a challenge, but the results are worth the sacrifice. As of today, I am down 90 pounds and can wear the same size pants as I did in high school. It's been a long journey, but it's changed my life. I wanted to make sure that I was there for baby E when she grows up. I cannot think of a better reason to get healthy.

All this is leading up to my decision to run a marathon in April. I am not sure why I want to do this because it seems like a terrible thing to do but I feel compelled. Plus, I figure that I am one more twisted ankle from being completely betrayed by my body and unable to do it. I will keep you all updated on my training and progress. It should be interesting.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Adventures in having a baby; Part 5/5

I am sure you are all very anxious for the 5th and final post about the adventures of being a new dad. If you missed the first 4 posts, as insane as that seems, make sure you read those first, or this will make even less sense.

Having a baby is certainly the best thing that has ever happened to me, but someone really needs to write a book about all the stuff that goes on that no one tells you about. The first chapter would deal exclusively with how every parent should just pin a burp cloth to their shirt, because by the time you realize you need it, the baby has ruined your shirt. I think all of my shirts now have spit up stains on the right shoulder.

I would also include a chapter on made up games that my baby loves. The newest game we play is called Earthquake and it involves me laying her on my bed, then gently shaking the bed. She goes crazy for it. I even give her some aftershocks to increase the realism. I highly recommend playing a game with an infant as soon as possible.

Alright, enough about my baby. I'm sure 4 long posts, plus this one is more than you want to read.

Some random thoughts I've had while at the dentist:
1. I was being given the gas during my procedure and could hear the radio. I could recognize the beats of the songs, songs I've heard before, but I couldn't understand any of the lyrics. It was almost like the radio was just a bit off and fuzzy, except it wasn't. I started making up my own lyrics and laughing. My dentist was very confused and must think I'm a lunatic.
2. The gas gave me the strange sensation that my tooth was somehow outside of my body and huge. As if we, the dentist and myself, were standing on top of it as he was working. The thought of having such enormous teeth caused a momentary freak out and required a 3 minute inner monologue about how such large teeth would be impossible.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Friday, July 29, 2011

New Certain Dri commercial

I am really excited today for a couple reasons. First, my daughter is only days away from her big debut. More importantly, I finally saw the new Certain Dri commercial in its entirety. I still cannot find a video of it and you can rest assured that I will post it as soon as I do.
The set up for the newest commercial features another attractive blonde talking to the camera about her sweating problems. But lucky for her, she's dating a doctor (shocker) and he suggested she use Certain Dri. Then our buddy, the profusely sweaty doc, comes on camera and puts his arm around her. And scene.
From my summary, you can obviously tell it's a pretty magical commercial. A couple of thoughts:
1. What's up with sweaty doc always being with sweaty girls? Does he have some crazy fetish for profuse sweating?
2. Why is blonde girl so excited about dating the sweaty doc, when we all know he's a sexual deviant based upon the last commercial?
3. Finally, why would sweaty doc think it's a good plan to put his arm (which we all know contains uncontrollable sweat glands) around this girl's neck. He's just playing with fire, consequences be damned.

My ultimate goal in life is to have a lunch with the actor who plays sweaty doc and the twin brunettes from Saved by the Bell that were always randomly in the background but only spoke 2 times. That would be a meal for the ages.

Until next time...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Birthing classes...

It's been awhile. But unlike the other occasions when I don't write, this time I have a good reason. You see, I've now been to birthing classes and my life will never be the same.

The first class we had was a 3 hour course on breastfeeding. I wasn't really worried about the breastfeeding class since it seemed to be the least dangerous class in the mix. However, at dinner with friends who had just taken the class, I learned that a featured section of the course was talk of inverted nipples. I couldn't stop laughing about it and coming up with embarrassing questions to ask the instructor.

"So, hypothetically, if my wife, we'll call her 'Messica' had inverted nipples, what could I do to un-invert them? Would ice cubes help?" (Then I would look over at Jess and say "don't worry, no one will ever know that is about you," in a voice that can be heard across the room and wink).

I figured that my stupid hypotheticals would be enough to prepare me for the nipple type discussion, but I was wrong. No one told me that each couple would be given stuffed breasts as exemplars. Not only that, but the stuffed breasts had strings in the back that you could pull to simulate the various types of nipples. Well friends, that pushed me over the top. I started laughing and there was no hope of stopping. I had to look down, try to hold my breath and hang on for dear life so my laughter didn't lead to me getting kicked out of the house. I managed to stifle the laughs. Frankly I was really disappointed in the rest of the guys in the class for not laughing with me. What a bunch of punks.

I knew going in that the birth class was going to be terrible and was preparing myself. What I didn't know was that the video of the birth was taken at a natural birthing center. All the sudden, crazy water births, squatting births and hippie chicks with untamed private areas were all in play. And that is exactly what I had the joy of witnessing. Thankfully the video was short, but not short enough for my taste since I still had to see a weird lady touching her baby's head while the child was still in the birth canal.

I am just a few weeks away from experiencing the birth of my child. I am really just ready to meet her at this point. But I will still wait for her to be fully on the outside before I touch her head.

Until next time, Mahalo.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

An Actual Hint

Today is your lucky day. As I type this, I am listening to a song with my daughter's name in it. If you can make it to my office in the next 4 minutes, you'll know. Good luck.

But really, if you even read this blog in the next 4 minutes you have bigger problems.

Stay tuned for stories from my experience with breastfeeding classes. It was awkward. Mahalo!

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Oh Happy Day!

Oh holy crap. There is a new Certain Dri commercial. I saw it this morning, but cannot find it online. Fear not, I will spend the rest of the day searching for it. I can tell you that it again features our favorite sweaty doc who can only overcome his sweat by prescription deodorant and a blonde scutteze that is all to delighted to talk about her gross sweating problems. I cannot confirm if it is the same blonde vixen as the original, or if this guy just goes to bars picking up sweaty chicks. Either way, I'm delighted. I promise to find it and post it soon.

On to other business:
I was lying about my baby's name being in the last post. Technically all the letters to spell her name were present, but in no particular order. But I do appreciate the guesses.
Come on readers. Only Jessica and I know the name. No one else will know until she is born. No one. Everyone can surely wait just a few weeks? Remember, your patience will be rewarded.

I also got to have dinner with The Verve Pipe last week. I am honestly surprised my head didn't explode. I will write about that wonderful adventure soon.

Until then, please scour the internet for the newest Certain Dri commercial. I cannot wait to watch it 20 times in a row and get more and more worked up over the ridiculousness of the whole thing.