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Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Are you sure Ed's not gay?

ummmm..... yikes.

Wow, that removes all doubt right? I have no words.

Monday, July 27, 2009

The Live Blog Returns

Since Melissa requested it, here is the live (DVR) blog of The Bachelorette finale.

The promos keep telling me that this will be the most exciting finale in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Of course they say that every time and the finales are usually weak. If this one answers the following questions it will actually be the best ever:
1. Is Jillian good looking? That is really the burning question this season. I can't figure it out, but I think I'm leaning towards her not being good looking. My assessment: nice chassis, bad helmet.
2. Is Ed really gay? I'm clearly in the yes camp. Someone told me that there is a rumor Ed has a girlfriend. Substitute girlfriend for boyfriend and I believe it.

Since we have the benefit of DVR, Jess and I will be flying through this episode. I hope you enjoy my running commentary more than Jess will.

I just finished some ice cream, have Izzy by my side and I'm ready to go:
(All times reflect DVR)

8:37: Recap of previous episodes. Blah, blah, blah. Jillian looks cute, then gross, then cries, Gay Ed talks about how important his parents are (which is a sure sign he's gay. No man over 30 really cares that much about his parents, no offense mom).
lots of fast forwarding...
8:50: more recapping, Jillian talking about all the drama, looking solemnly at the beach.
8:51: Jill talking about Ed's peen not working again. I hope they gave him a pile of money to consent to her constant references to his peen not working. Ed not helping his case by wearing a pink shirt unbuttoned far too low.

8:52: Ed claims to be excited but looks like he just found out Queer Eye was canceled. By the way, he walks super gay.

8:53: I wish I could figure out a time stamp, this is difficult. Jill's mom = not cute; that doesn't bode well for Jill's future. How did her cousin get the invite? She has barely spoken and I already hate her.

8:54: Ed recaps why he left, lies and says it is about his job, when it is really about him being gay. Seriously, if he's not gay, I don't know anything.

8:56: Jill's mom got on Wikipedia ala Micheal Scott for her interrogation techniques. Really bad questions. Ed answers like he is a contestant in "Mr. Gay ABC Reality Show Contestant."

8:57: Jill is fired up to be engaged. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter who asks, she is saying yes.

8:59: Ed's making eyes at Jill's dad. He is officially the creep of the week. Ed talks about wanting to propose. He has spent 4 hours with her alone. That is insane.

9:00: Ed crosses his leg like a lady. Seriously. I'm 100% on him now.

9:01: Random cousin stealing screen time. Ed in coconut bra: What the hell is going on here. My head might explode before I finish this blog.

9:02: Jessica says she wants to nominate me as the next bachelor so I can be part of a great TV show.

9:03: Kiptyn's date: lots of making out. They look weird kissing. His shirt is terrible. Another missed kiss. Get on the same page you two.

9:04: Family date 2: Jill hugs everyone like she hasn't seen them in months, when she just saw them. I guess they didn't commit to the order of dates. Kiptyn sounds a little gay. Hmmm, sensing a theme. Jill's dad has the same outfit and same Oakley glasses everyone had in 1994.

9:06: Jill's mom is facing forward, then turns her head to talk. It's freaking me out. Can't she turn her body towards him? Just incredibly awkward.

9:07: Cousin trying to steal scenes again. If I was Jill I would not have invited my better looking, attention starved cousin. I wish I could be on things like "Jill's crazy cousin made a pass at one of the cameramen for more screen time."

9:09: more making out. They really need to practice. Their kissing is truly uncomfortable.
fast forward....

9:10: recap dates: Cousin stealing time, just said "work orientat-ated" I love how Canadians pronounce things. Jill is lighting up about Ed asking to marry her. She so clearly wants a husband. That's not going to work out.

9:12: "looking for the right one to live the happily ever after with." The Cousin is awesome.

9:13: 1 on 1 with Cousin. Jill's going to talk about Ed's peen. Mark it down.

9:14: Yep, I win. She sparred his feelings a bit. Jill asks for a lightning bolt to help her decide, what she really needs is a boom box. Start playing The Village People and watch Ed rip off his shirt and dance. That's your sign.

fast forward:

9:15: Another pink shirt for Ed. Same ringer tank top. I can't take this anymore. Seriously.

9:16: Ed leans over, gives the gayest look possible. I can't stop laughing. Jessica pauses to allow me to capture the moment. The spot she paused adds another one to the "Jillian is not cute" column if you're scoring at home.

9:17: Jill and Ed in helicopter. She says "pumped" and "huge" over and over. Coincidence?

9:19: Special waterfall date: Ed says she could be one of his best guy friends: again, he's seen her for 5 hours at this point. Stop telling her what she wants to hear. He's gonna break her heart. Mark it down.

9:20: more lines to Jill. She's eating it up.

9:21: F me. Ed's wearing those f'ing short shorts again. Buy him some f'ing shorts ABC.

9:22: more talk of Ed's performance issues. Geez, these two need to stop making out. It's gross. I really think Ed is full of crap. It's one line after another.

9:23: Lights out, cut to volcano eruption. Very subtle ABC.

fast forward....

9:23: Kiptyn is better since he was appropriate shorts. Jill's one piece shirt/shorts one piece combo is awful. Weird Canadians. Jess says she had something similar when she was 4.

9:24: Kiptyn does lots of sit ups. Not sure how he has time for a job. Jess makes a good point: Jill likes Kiptyn since he's out of her league.

9:25: "Out in the middle of nowhwere" says Kiptyn. Sure, except for the 15 production/camera guys. Real intimate.

Sidebar: do you think that Jill sleeps with all these dudes? The production makes you think so, but I have my doubts.

9:27: Kiptyn needs to tell Jill to pick the heterosexual. That is what I would say if I were on the show.

9:28: Jill is swooning. Again, she wants to be married. "The things I've been waiting to hear" is the phrase of the night. I'm pretty sure I could meet her, tell her I love her and want to have hundreds of babies and she would be ready to marry me 5 minutes later.

9:29: Kiptyn tells us you have to be madly in love to propose. Glad he let us know. I wish I knew that when I proposed to Jessica.

9:31: Jill really needs a push up bra. I'm not trying to be rude, but goodness. It's absurd.

9:32: Jill doesn't love that Ed left her. Again, good to know. But Ed promises it won't happen again, so she believes it. In related news, I just sold Jill magic beans for 10 grand.

9:33: Kiptyn must own stock in a V-neck t-shirt company. He's selecting rings. I hate when they pretend they are buying the ring. We all know ABC foots the bill.

9:34: Ed may not be gay. He just used the same lotion on his face and arms. No gay dude would do that. What happens if they pick the same ring?
Ed picked a terrible ring. I may have been way off on the gay thing.

9:35: Kiptyn in a towel. He's going to dump her so he has more time for sit ups.

9:36: Ed in more short shorts. I'm going to send him some board shorts.

9:37: I will never understand how 2 dudes can show up and both want to propose. If Jess was dating another dude when she was dating me, I wouldn't have proposed the second she picked me. I wish someone would be honest about the process.

9:38: Harrison shows up for 5 seconds. He probably gets paid 6 figures per second of screen time. I want that gig.

fast forward...

9:39: My dream scenario: whoever she picks says he can't do it and leaves. That would be awesome.
Kiptyn is first out of the limo. His suit looks purple. He shall now be referred to as Grimace from here on out.

9:40: She looks happy to see Grimace. I don't believe it though. Kiptyn does a recap, which would be helpful if the past hour hadn't been a recap. Kiptyn spills his guts. Didn't he learn from Jason, don't commit until she picks you. Otherwise you look like a creeper.

9:41: Jill gives him a glowing review; I feel a giant but coming.... tears and BAM. She tells him she's in love with someone else. Grimace is not happy. But he's a man. Too bad he isn't 40. (OSU joke).

9:43: Jill is not talking this well. Grimace should push her in the pool. Again, that's what I would have done. Grimace drives away in the rejection limo. Tough day for cartoon mascots. Does he get to keep the ring? I would sell that thing.

9:44: Grimace recaps. Again, he should have just stood there, said, "What's it gonna be?" and waited to see if it was him.

fast forward....

9:46: Jill is excited to see Ed. She's even more excited to be engaged. Oh no. Red minivan. Reid's back. He's back to save her from the gay dude. Harrison claims Ed is literally on his way. BS.

9:48: Reid's rocking sneakers with a suit jacket. Not sure about that look. He claims he's going to propose. Why is she crying? Uh oh. Things just got interesting. Looks like ABC wasn't blowing smoke up my A by promising a dramatic finale.

9:49: Jessica is misunderstanding TV again and instructing Jill to pick Reid. He had to pull "a million strings" to be back. Or actually just make one call. Either way.

9:50: Reid says he was an idiot. I'm losing respect. He was normal, didn't tell her what she wanted to her, but came back to say he loves her. Poor Jill. 3 potential proposals. She can barely contain her glee.

9:51: So we are to believe she was ready to say yes to Ed, but Reid "unexpectadly" returns and it all changes? Shenanigans. Jill uses the word "undescribable." Yep, it's so undescribable that she just made up a word.

9:52: Yeah, Reid passed 8th grade and says "indescribable." Much better. Where's Ed? I want him to show up and try to beat up Reid.

9:53: Reid is on one knee? WTF? She makes him stand up. If only Reid was wearing uncomfortably short shorts.

9:54: Jill needs to think. Should she pick the nice, seemingly normal guy. Or the possible homosexual who loves short shorts, pink shirts and Judy Garland records. I only made up one of those.

fast forward...

9:56: Ed still driving to the location. Did his driver pretend to get lost? Oh, Harrison's back. Time to earn that money. I think Harrison could sway this one way or the other. I enjoy Harrison.

9:57: Jill wonders how to make a decision like this: easy, pick the one you like. Jill adds some more to the "Jill's not cute column."

9:58: Good to see they sprayed the walk way down again. That's why Reid is wearing sneakers. He didn't want to slip on the wood. Jill fell in love with someone in the 3 days since Reid left. Gross.

9:59: Jill's excited for Ed. Looks like big gay Ed is the winner. Jill is crazy about Reid, but still letting him go. She wonders if it is wrong. Yes, yes it is. If you "love" two people, you don't love any. Like the old saying with QB's, if you have 2, you really have 0.

10:00: Reid takes it well. He's your next bachelor America. She clearly likes him. I'm excited for October's US Weekly with the cover story about them being together and Ed living his dream of owning a Bed and Breakfast in Modesto with his partner Sergio.

10:02: What's up with the minivan? Did they blow the budget on all the helicopters this year. Super weak.

10:03: I'm sure Ed loves watching the woman he proposed to cryng sending other dudes home. Very similar to when I proposed to Jess. Jess was crying for very different reasons though since she realized she was about to be proposed to by me, which isn't great.

10:04: Someone get this girl a push up bra. She's now 110%. Jill just swore, so I'm liking her more.

fast forward... (Izzy is very bored by this. She keeps trying to get my attention. Do you people see the sacrifices I'm making?)

10:06: Ed arrives. Jill claims he is her best friend. She must not know anyone else. Is Ed's suit purple? Or eggplant? My TV color must be screwed up. Or I'm color blind.

10:07: Harrison is the best in the business at directing gay suitors toward the lonely woman they are going to propose to then disappoint horribly.

10:08: Ed's speech is well rehearsed. The cue cards must be well hidden. Jill's in love, the camera pans wide, Gregg wants to puke.

10:09: Weird kissing. Ed proposes. Good product shot. Jill squeals. And then squeals some more. Izzy is over this shit and sighs.

10:10: pan out and recap of all Ed's dates. Over/under on short shots: 3.
Maybe that is why she likes him, they can share shorts.

10:11: 1; 2; 3; 4; He looks so uncomfortable hugging her. 5; Well rehearsed run off the stage.
10:12: After the Final Rose tomorrow. I cannot wait.

That's a wrap. Jessica is back to reading Twilight and I'll be back to writing about Carolla.

Thanks for reading and for understanding any and all spelling/grammar/syntax errors, although unless this is your first time to read, you should expect it. Until next time, Mahalo.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I Win!

Well, it finally happened. I won the bet. Time to celebrate supporters of my righteous quest. Jessica actually conceded the bet on Friday at our rehearsal dinner as she presented me with an autographed picture of Ace. The picture will be prominently displayed at my office as soon as I go back to work.

It is totally disorienting to be able to speak of Ace freely once again. I'm still not totally comfortable with the idea, but much to the chagrin of Jessica I'll probably get used to it soon. Jessica is "making" me watch SYTYCD once again and Ellen is a guest judge. I'm reminded of Ace's statements about when a comedian goes on a show with humorless people and seems hilarious. It's happening right now to the point that I even chuckled a bit at her corny jokes. It's not good.

In lieu of some great Ace stories, I wanted to share my favorite Jessica story of weekend. To set the scene, we were staying at a lovely resort on Marco Island. As part of the stay, we could charge items to our room account instead of cash. That scenario worked brilliantly until Jessica decided to venture out on her own for some Pringles and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Here's where it gets funny: The lady at the gift shop asked if Jessica was old enough to be authorized to make purchases on her own or if there was someone there with her that could do it. Jessica informed her she was on her honeymoon and the purchase was allowed. Even though it was allowed, Jessica didn't help her cause by signing her name like a 4 year old. She still isn't used to her new last name and screws up the last 2 letters. I told her it is probably because the last 2 letters are the same as her previous name, but in a different order. I say without hesitation that when I told her this, it was the first time it had occurred to her so I think we have turned the corner on the issue. I'm sure Jessica's selections didn't help create the impression that she was old, but certainly old enough to be authorized on a hotel account. I'm not sure how to feel about all this. On one hand it means I have a hot young bride (which Jessica reminds me of often) but on the other I'm afraid it makes me the old creepy guy. I already know that Jess is too good looking for me, but I don't want to add the old creep on top of that. I guess it is a high class problem to have so I shouldn't complain.

I had a moment of inspiration with my previously detailed plan for a Journey cover band made up of my male children (and nephews if necessary). I have a name: The Journey Boys! That is pure gold. I'm going to start working on t-shirts right now. I'm thinking that the combination of the name and cuteness of 5 brothers singing songs from the 70's will overcome their very probable lack of musical ability. I'm taking investors right now.

I promise more Ace related updates soon. Until then, Mahalo!

Monday, July 13, 2009

The Bachlorette Live Blog

Jess and I are watching The Bachlorette on DVR, so this isn't technically live, but I'm blogging anyway. Jessica thinks that no one needs to hear my running commentary live, but I disagree. And I'm sure at least 2 of you agree. This will probably remind Melissa of when we lived together and I gave her my running commentary on a regular basis. Jessica usually requests I be quiet. Please excuse the grammar and spelling errors, but if you are a frequent reader I imagine you are prepared for that.

We pick up with Ed's date:

8:55: Ed shorts. Holy crap. If he had any package it would be hanging out of those.
8:56: Ed sitting like a lady on the couch. Again, if he was working with even a bit of a unit it would be hanging out of those shorts. Ed may be gay.

8:58: Ed's dad apparently just shaves the middle of his mustache. It's an interesting look.
8:59: The humitity of Hawaii is not doing Jillian any favors.
8:59: Jillian in the confessional: ABC must be cutting their budget since the make up crew apparently did Jillian's make up in a wind tunnel and followed it up with a bad haircut.
9:00: Ed on the beach: His short shorts are creepy. His ass is hanging out of them. I think he stole those trunks from a 14 year old cheerleader.

Thankful for a commercial

9:01: Jillian's face continues to confound. Not her best night.
9:02: I'm pretty sure Ed is gay. He has a 1000 yard stare at all times. If not gay, for sure not attracted to her.
9:03: Ed's emotional speech did not include one look at Jillian. Not a great sign. The humidity is also not great for Ed's hair.
9:04: Wow, a bachlorette first: The guy has never felt this way. BS. Unless if by this way he means "falling for a horse face on national TV."
9:05: Ed's nervous because he is gay.
9:05: How has Jillian's boob not popped out. Magic tape?

9:06: The lights come back on. Uh oh. Ed's peen doesn't work. Could it be because he's gay and Jillian is not cute.

9:07: I just hope we don't have a deleted scene that reminds me of Boogie Nights with Ed trying to turn things around so to speak.

9:08: Jessica is trying to talk crap about Carolla saying he and Ed share a problem. I want to remind her that Ace masturbates constantly, but don't want to lose the bet.

9:09: Jillian recaps dates with Chris. Boring. Unneccesary. Simply a way to fill time.

9:09: I am asking Jessica to fast forward. She does not listen.

9:10: Hooray for Jessica. She fast forwarded for me.

9:11: Recap of Jillian's ultimatum to Reid. And she wonders why she's still single. The guy was honest and is not a loon who wants to get married to a chick he met on TV 4 weeks ago.

9:12: Poor Ed. Why must we recap his peen's inability to function. She's trying to make excuses for him. Sorry honey, he's just gay. It wasn't the pressure.

9:14: Special recaps from the boys. I'm not sure what they see in her. She goes from cute to gross in every other shot. These guys are so full of crap.

9:15: I want to be watching the Home Run Derby, but since I love Jessica I'm watching this.

9:16: Ed not helping himself by rocking white pants and a light blue coat to the elimination. One of the dudes gave him the side eye. That's my new fave.

9:17: Ed says he loves her. Is it because she looks like a man? Possibly.
9:17: 2 of the candid poses feature a guy with his hands on his own ass. I don't understand this show.

9:18: Back from commercial: I just want this to end quickly.
9:18: Ed's outfit makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why he thought that was a good plan. He needs a new stylist.

9:19: Honest moment: Jillian's dress would look much better if she wasn't built like an 11 year old boy. ABC needs to step it up and offer her enhancement surgery.

9:20: Jillian tells Ed he looks good. Canadians are nuts, no offense ACG.

9:21: Jillian is confused. She's wondering what happened to his peen. I'm now screaming "He's gay," at the TV. It's not helping.

9:23: Dramatic music. Kipton gets a rose. Just once I want to see one of the guy's refuse the rose. That would be sweet.

9:24: I can feel it going to Gay Ed.

9:24: Big Gay Ed for the win! I knew it. He should whisper that his peen is working right now... Wink, wink. Then give her a thumbs up.

9:25: Reid is gone. Down to a guy with a weird name and a gay one. Good times.
9:25: Poor Reid. He's doing an awesome job positioning himself as the next Bachelor.

9:26: He's apologizing for being normal. So stupid. She kept a dude cause he said he loved her even though he is quite clearly gay. And got rid of one that just didn't think falling in love on TV in 3 weeks was what he wanted.

9:27: Dramatic music. Jillian looks like she thinks she screwed up.

9:28: Jillian crying on the bench of solitude. Her crying in HD? You guessed it, not a good look.

9:29: If this show were an 80's movie Reid would be the misunderstood rich guy that breaks the poor girls heart but redeems himself at the end. I want the limo to turn around and make this a John Hughes ending.

9:30: She cries like this but thinks she loves the remaining guys? Weird.

9:30: Guy with weird name is just looking into space. Gay guy comes to comfort her. You can always count on the gay guys to be sensitive.

9:30: Stop the limo. It would have been an awesome moment.

9:31: Finally over. Thank goodness. I am really happy that we will finally get an update about Jason, who was the most boring, obnoxious dude ever on TV.

9:32: Unexpected confession: Ed reveals he's gay? You heard it here first.

Thanks for reading. I'm sure this gives you some insight on what Jessica puts up with nightly and makes you feel sorry for her.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Secret Fears

Before we explore Jimmy Kimmel's transcendent performance on the podcast, I need to unburden my soul about one of my secret fears. For some reason every time I drop off a movie at Blockbuster I'm secretly afraid that there will be some masked man in the store robbing it. I convince myself that this masked man will see me and have no choice but to eliminate the only witness to his crimes. (Clearly there is a reason I haven't spoken of this before since it is pure nonsense and insane). Well, today as I dropped off JCVD I noticed that the outer door was off the store. There was a handwritten note on the second door saying that the store was closed. These unusual circumstances coupled with my already unreasonable fear and tendency for drama made me nervous. That was before I dropped my movie into the slot and saw a guy in a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor. I freaked out. Why was there a dude sleeping in Blockbuster? I have no idea and frankly don't want to know. It's rather terrifying and I would like to forget it happened at all. I will sooner willingly walk into the reptile section of the zoo than return to that Blockbuster.

Jimmy Kimmel was on with Ace and it was magical. The highlight was without a doubt Kimmel talking about his latest prank on one of his writers, Mike August. The back story was that Mike made a citizens arrest of a drunk driver. This inspired Kimmel to design a prank claiming that Mike earned Burbank's "Citizen of the Month" award for his heroics. Obviously such an award doesn't exist. But Kimmel made mock stationary, used actual city officials names and even had his son change his outgoing voicemail to impersonate the city official, with strict instructions to not answer calls from numbers he didn't know. The victim totally bought the prank. He was set to be honored at a ceremony at city hall and called to confirm his attendance. The problem was when Mike called Kimmel's son to confirm. Kimmel's son had passed his earlier tests without incident, but on this occasion the victim called from Kimmel's office, so his son picked up since it was his father's number. It's terrible that the prank didn't work out, but it was a great idea. Kimmel is the worst kind of deviant prankster: He's a comedic genius, he's tireless and he has lots of money. That's really a pretty unstoppable combination.
Actually, it reminds me of my office prankster Andy, minus the money. Andy's latest victim was co-worker Amy, who was expecting a ball gown via Fed Ex. Andy enjavascript:void(0)ded up stealing a Fed Ex box, creating a fake shipping invoice that indicated the dress was out of stock but that many other customers viewed the alternate dress being shipped as an acceptable substitute, going to goodwill and purchasing an alternate dress that looked like a table cloth and even convincing co-worker Amy's loyal assistant that the fake package was the real one. It was an amazing plan, save for one small detail. Co-worker Amy apparently cannot use adult scissors and unknowingly cut herself on the fake package, then proceeded to bleed on her real dress. It did not end well for any one in the office, even those of us who were uninvolved.

The countdown to the money is now at 10 days. All 4 of you loyal readers are invited to celebrate my victory at an as of yet undetermined bar in OKC. I'll use some of my winnings buying drinks for everyone but Jessica.

Gregg Out!

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Ace's Friends

I don't even know where to begin. Ace had Chris, Donny and Ray all on the podcast. They are all completely out of their minds and I cannot imagine what it would have been like growing up with guys like that. I've written about Chris peeing on people and Ray throwing his own feces at Ace before. Today was the first time they have all been on the podcast together and it was magic. I made the mistake of choosing to listen at the gym this morning. The result: Gregg bench pressing and laughing so hard he almost dropped the bar. I was so disruptive that Jess heard me laughing through her headphones and gave me the most confused look I've ever seen. I explained I was listening to a podcast of comedic geniuses and she seemed to understand. I will say that the hard core people that go to the gym at 6 a.m. were not amused by my behavior.

The part of the podcast that made me laugh out loud was the discussion of Ray and his complete lack of social etiquette. I guess Ray would frequently ask fat people why they were fat, ask people with zits if they were trying to grow a horn and even asked his mother who had the bigger penis between his father and step-father. What a maniac. Each of the guys also told stories about how Ray would reveal their secrets to other people. Everyone can relate to that. I have never met anyone that hasn't talked crap about someone to a buddy, then have that same buddy repeat what you said to the person. It's miserable. And from the stories it seems that Ray did it all the time. If he wasn't super big and strong I think he would have gotten his ass kicked routinely.

Jessica isn't here so I am enjoying The State. I find it a little concerning that my sense of humor at 14 and at 30 is not that different. That probably says something terrible about me.

As an homage to Arthur, G-Lyte out!

Monday, July 6, 2009

Harry Seaward and Bob Marley Songs

I had two tough moments this holiday weekend. The first was Jessica's lame attempt at making me lose the bet by talking about Harry Seaward. If you are a faithful reader you already know about my penchant for repetition, so even though I'm sure I've written about this before I'm going to do it again anyway. Harry Seaward is Ace's favorite new joke name and a caller to the old radio show paged Harry in a casino. It was a hilarious moment and led to me naming my fantasy teams in Harry's honor. Well Jessica thought it would be funny to bring this up recently since she knows I can't stop laughing whenever it comes up. She starting begging me to tell her the origins of Harry Seaward. Told me that she could tell I wanted too and that I would feel so much better if I did. In the words of Charlie Murphy, Wrong. To make matters worse I wanted to talk about Ace's mission to have someone come up with a fake name using N-word. Well, the same visionary who had Harry Seaward paged called in to say he had Grady Enword paged at the same casino. It's not as good as Harry, but it's still solid.

The other moment happened in the middle of the lake when the song "We Be Jammin" came on the radio. Ace always rails against Bob Marley and his terrible songs. Bob may actually have the clubhouse lead over Hall and Oates and The Eagles in Ace's bad song department. (Quick tangent: My brother once confided in me that he thought Daryl Hall was the Mexican in Hall and Oates since he couldn't imagine a blonde headed guy named Daryl Hall. It always cracks me up thinking about that whenever "Maneater" comes on the radio.) Anyway, "We Be Jammin" came on and my first instinct was to discuss what a miserable song it was with Jessica and her parents. Thankfully I held it in. But seriously, that song does suck. I imagine the only way you could enjoy the experience of listening to it would be to get as high as the Marley was when he made it. In the same rant Ace also mentioned how confusing the song "I Shot The Sheriff" was. He couldn't figure out if both the sheriff and the deputy were dead. If there were other casualties? I am not sure he was serious about it, since as best I can tell the song describes this scenario: Sheriff shoots deputy over some dispute, man happens upon scene, sheriff is going to kill man for seeing said scene and man shoots sheriff in self-defense. Hopefully Ace was going for comedic effort and not genuinely confused. If you were going to deconstruct song lyrics for meaning, I'm guessing "I Shot The Sheriff" is pretty high on the ease of understanding list, probably between "The Humpty Dance" and "She's Like the Wind."

I am a little disappointed about how much you all enjoyed "Jessica's" post. Several people told me it was the funniest entry that has ever appeared on this site. My fragile ego cannot handle this type of talk. Co-worker Amy led the charge and that is why she will remain co-worker Amy. Fiancee Jessica also said it was funnier than my usual nonsense, which is why she may soon no longer be fiancee Jessica.

One final note, my copy of The State came today and Jessica doesn't think it's funny. She would have you believe that this isn't funny? Or this? My heart cannot take this nonsense. Can I buy her a sense of humor on Ebay?

Only 12 days until I win the bet. Does that mean the end of the blog? We shall see. Until next time, Mahalo.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Setting the record straight by Jessica

Gregg offered me a chance to post a message since I constantly complain about how much he exaggerates things that I say and downplays his own behavior. Now, since I don't have the time nor energy to write the 10,000 words it would take to refute all of Gregg's misstatements, I'll just hit the highlights.

The biggest misconception is that I force Gregg to watch all the shows he always complains about. He loves "So You Think You Can Dance," no matter what he will tell all of you. Loves it. He claims it is just because he has a crush on Cat Deely and likes when she adds an "r" at the end of a name that ends with "a" (his favorite is Tabithar; he repeats it at least 3 times every time she says it and giggles like a 9 year old). He also gets upset with me when I delete "One Tree Hill" from the DVR. He says he just likes the music, but that is a lie. Hopefully none of you believe his lies.

Gregg also makes fun of my taste in comedy, but let me ask you, how would you like to be woken up multiple times a week by Gregg asking you to watch a clip from a show filmed 20 years ago. It's not fun. He'll make me sit through 45 minutes of movies like "The Cable Guy" for one particular scene that he thinks is funny. God forbid we fast forward to the scene. He claims that ruins the effect of the scene if you don't watch the back story. He also makes me watch Arrested Development over and over. He loves pointing out the subtle jokes, like I've slept through the episode the first 5 times. See, it's not pleasant.

I don't think any of you understand how much he used to talk about Carolla. It was at least 5 times a day. I would know more about what happened on Carolla's show than what happened in his day. Now, instead of telling me about Carolla, he sits on the computer and laughs to himself as he types this blog. I promise you, none of you are as amused by this blog as him. It's really sad. But a Carolla-free house has been wonderful. Unfortunately, he has replaced his Carolla talk with Simmons and Dameshek talk. I'm actually considering a Carolla/Simmons/Dameshek bet with him. I would have to pay way more than $1000 for him to do it though. Even if that bet happens, he'll just replace that talk with talk of Arrested Development and The State. I'm not sure which is worse.

Gregg also has the tendency to state as absolute truth any opinion he holds about any book/movie/music. He'll tell you that you are "an insane abomination" if you don't think "The Catcher In the Rye" is the best book ever. He probably won't even discuss it with you. Should you happen to like The Eagles, you apparently are dumb and like music for idiots. The list goes on and on. He'll be shocked when I don't agree with him and go on for 15 minutes about how I must be crazy. It's always the same though, it's either the best thing ever, or so bad he can't comprehend it. Nothing was ever just so so. For once I want him to see a movie and say it was average. I don't think it's ever happened.

I could continue, but the longer I go, the longer response I will have to deal with tonight.
J-Mac out!