1. Road House
Absurd leading man: I've got 2 words for you: Pat F'ing Swayze.
Let's go through the checklist to make sure he qualifies.
Shirtless tai chi? Check.
Impervious to pain? Check and Check.
Suave with the ladies? You bet.
Fashionable? What do you think?
Able to rip out a man's throat? Check mate!
Swayze was truly one of the greats. It's really a shame that he is more well know for chick flicks like Ghost and Dirty Dancing than he is for Road House and Point Break.
Meaningless conflict: I really shouldn't have to explain the plot of Road House because you all should have seen it dozen of times, but just in case I will explain. Swayze plays Dalton, who is the best cooler in the business. He is so good that everyone in any bar he goes to knows him. This picture was pre-Internet, so you have to figure that Dalton was pretty sweet to earn that reputation. Anyway, he gets hired to clean up the Double Deuce, which is the most out of control bar in the country, despite being in a small town. One problem, the evil Brad Wesley. He's busy shaking down all the businesses in town and isn't to happy with Dalton cleaning up his henchmen. Obviously shaking down legitimate businesses is not cool, but the death count in this movie does not justify the stakes. The final scene features the death of Wesley and all his henchmen with absolutely no consequences for Dalton, even though he just killed a half dozen people. Just absurd and wonderful to watch.
Needlessly intense villian: Ah, the immortal Brad Wesley. He flies his helicopter around, taunts Dalton with the best pool party since Dirk Digler met Chest Rockwell, then tops it all by demanding that his girlfriend strip in public at the Double Deuce. And, while not directly addressed, it appears that he had a thing with Dalton's love Doc. He's always giving Dalton the "I nailed your lady before you were around" look. Not cool Brad. He hits all the bad guy trademarks. He overdresses for everything, is surrounded by lackeys, has no respect for authority and feels some strange kinship with Dalton and wants to be his pal. As soon as Dalton refuses, it is on and you know someone is going to die.
Takes itself seriously: You bet your ass this is a serious movie. It's Swayze and Sam Elliot dispensing justice and trying to clean up the streets. What could be more serious. It's also a tale of a man who performs his job at the highest level imaginable. He's widely held as the best cooler in the business, but he remains humble enough to say that Wade Garrett is the best. Based upon that, we know he's a man of impecable character as well as fists of steel.
Final Verdict: There's a reason that this movie is on 5 times a day. It's entertaining, bizarre, hilarious, has something for the ladies as well as the men, quotable and just down right amazing. I cannot imagine a more perfect bad movie.
Any ideas for my next list? Otherwise I will tell boring stories about my child's impending birth. No one wants to hear that.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Bad Movies 2 and 3 (and a Bubs update)
Finally, the list you have been waiting for. But first, indulge me for my moment of being an annoying parent-to-be. We heard little baby Bubs heartbeat for the first time this week. It was the single greatest sound I have ever heard, just slightly edging out my previous favorite sound. Alright, enough about Bubs, on to the important matters.
3. Fire Birds
Absurd leading man: Ladies and gentlemen, the immortal Nic Cage. The man is a true pioneer in terrible cinema. If there was a Mount Rushmore of Bad Actors, he'd be on there. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Michael Jordan. If he were a candy, he'd be Swedish Fish. So yeah, he earns big points here.
Meaningless conflict: If you know me, you know my passion for Fire Birds burns deep and you probably expected it to rank higher on this esteemed list. Well, here's where it loses points. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, here's the Cliff Notes version courtesy of a YouTube video that some fantastic gentleman created. He is really doing the Lord's work and made the movie 10 minutes long. Enjoy. Obviously battling South American drug lords and protecting freedom is important.
Needlessly intense villian: Another area where this movie loses points since the villain never really speaks: He lets his helicopter do his talking. He is apparently too busy blowing everyone up to learn sweet lines to say after he kills people. When they finally have the good sense to remake this movie, that will be the first order of business. Just imagine if right before he got missile lock on an American, he pulled some great line like this. Still what he lacks in traditional bad movie intensity, he makes up for with steely glances and deadly missiles.
Takes itself seriously: This movie came out shortly after Top Gun and was clearly trying to ride its coattails to box office success. But instead of Cruise, Kilmer and Kelly McGillis, we get a crazed Cage, a disinterested Tommy Lee Jones and a grotesque Sean Young.
Final Verdict: Fire Birds is the underrated gem of bad movies. You really can't ask for more comedy and ridiculousness than it already gives you. I just wish more people have seen it so I could have long conversations about its greatness.
2. Karate Kid III
Absurd leading man: First we have a 28 year old Ralph Macchio playing a 17 year old, who looks like a 45 year old woman in jeans. By itself, that is one of the 10 most absurd things in the history of cinema. It's absurdity is multiplied by the single craziest performance in movie history turned in by Thomas Ian Griffith as Terry Silver. Just a tour de force by Mr. Griffith. (Bonus greatness)
Meaningless conflict: I have mixed emotions on this one: On one hand defending your All-Valley Teen karate championship is a big deal. On the other, a billionaire industrialist vows to humiliate a 17 year old in front of a thousand people and has to take months off his job to do it. By the way, I didn't make up the part about 1000 people, which is one of my all time favorite lines. Here's where it gets meaningless: to destroy Daniel-son, Terry is going to make him lose his All-Valley championship and nothing else. Keep in mind that this man has billions of dollars. Why doesn't he just hire someone to kill Daniel? Or buy the houses of all Danny's relatives and burn them to the ground? And Daniel has only fought in one karate tournament in his life, it's not like he was ending some long important streak.
Needlessly intense villian: Terry Silver needs no more discussion. Just watch him work.
Takes itself seriously: Here's where the movie loses some points, since it was clearly a cash grab. But still, there are no jokes in the movie, yet more laughs than any comedy in the last 5 years. The movie does try to get you to hate the bad guys for picking on poor Daniel-son, but I always end up rooting for Cobra Kai. Plus, why is it that Daniel starts pissing people off and getting his ass kicked within 5 minutes of every place he goes? I mean, he was in Japan for less than a day and already had a guy after him because Daniel was trying to run game on his girl. Show some respect Danny.
Final Verdict: To me, it's one of the finest comedies ever made. For some strange reason, most people haven't seen it. I say to those unfortunate souls, shame. No go and watch it.
Can you guess what No. 1 is? If you know me at all, it should be obvious. Until then, Mahalo.
3. Fire Birds
Absurd leading man: Ladies and gentlemen, the immortal Nic Cage. The man is a true pioneer in terrible cinema. If there was a Mount Rushmore of Bad Actors, he'd be on there. If he were a basketball player, he'd be Michael Jordan. If he were a candy, he'd be Swedish Fish. So yeah, he earns big points here.
Meaningless conflict: If you know me, you know my passion for Fire Birds burns deep and you probably expected it to rank higher on this esteemed list. Well, here's where it loses points. If you are unfamiliar with the movie, here's the Cliff Notes version courtesy of a YouTube video that some fantastic gentleman created. He is really doing the Lord's work and made the movie 10 minutes long. Enjoy. Obviously battling South American drug lords and protecting freedom is important.
Needlessly intense villian: Another area where this movie loses points since the villain never really speaks: He lets his helicopter do his talking. He is apparently too busy blowing everyone up to learn sweet lines to say after he kills people. When they finally have the good sense to remake this movie, that will be the first order of business. Just imagine if right before he got missile lock on an American, he pulled some great line like this. Still what he lacks in traditional bad movie intensity, he makes up for with steely glances and deadly missiles.
Takes itself seriously: This movie came out shortly after Top Gun and was clearly trying to ride its coattails to box office success. But instead of Cruise, Kilmer and Kelly McGillis, we get a crazed Cage, a disinterested Tommy Lee Jones and a grotesque Sean Young.
Final Verdict: Fire Birds is the underrated gem of bad movies. You really can't ask for more comedy and ridiculousness than it already gives you. I just wish more people have seen it so I could have long conversations about its greatness.
2. Karate Kid III
Absurd leading man: First we have a 28 year old Ralph Macchio playing a 17 year old, who looks like a 45 year old woman in jeans. By itself, that is one of the 10 most absurd things in the history of cinema. It's absurdity is multiplied by the single craziest performance in movie history turned in by Thomas Ian Griffith as Terry Silver. Just a tour de force by Mr. Griffith. (Bonus greatness)
Meaningless conflict: I have mixed emotions on this one: On one hand defending your All-Valley Teen karate championship is a big deal. On the other, a billionaire industrialist vows to humiliate a 17 year old in front of a thousand people and has to take months off his job to do it. By the way, I didn't make up the part about 1000 people, which is one of my all time favorite lines. Here's where it gets meaningless: to destroy Daniel-son, Terry is going to make him lose his All-Valley championship and nothing else. Keep in mind that this man has billions of dollars. Why doesn't he just hire someone to kill Daniel? Or buy the houses of all Danny's relatives and burn them to the ground? And Daniel has only fought in one karate tournament in his life, it's not like he was ending some long important streak.
Needlessly intense villian: Terry Silver needs no more discussion. Just watch him work.
Takes itself seriously: Here's where the movie loses some points, since it was clearly a cash grab. But still, there are no jokes in the movie, yet more laughs than any comedy in the last 5 years. The movie does try to get you to hate the bad guys for picking on poor Daniel-son, but I always end up rooting for Cobra Kai. Plus, why is it that Daniel starts pissing people off and getting his ass kicked within 5 minutes of every place he goes? I mean, he was in Japan for less than a day and already had a guy after him because Daniel was trying to run game on his girl. Show some respect Danny.
Final Verdict: To me, it's one of the finest comedies ever made. For some strange reason, most people haven't seen it. I say to those unfortunate souls, shame. No go and watch it.
Can you guess what No. 1 is? If you know me at all, it should be obvious. Until then, Mahalo.
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