Sorry to take a break from the Top 3 Best Bad Movies of all time list that I'm sure you are all waiting for, but it's for a good reason. I've been waiting to talk about this since November 29, 2010, at approximately 8:00 pm. That is the exact time that my life changed forever. I found out that I'm going to be a father. Words cannot describe the emotions I went through at that moment. Things slowed down, I tried to capture what I was feeling and tried to appreciate that my life was never going to be the same. There are not many times in life that you can see/feel/know that what used to be is gone. This is one and I couldn't be happier. Since that day, I've listened to this song every single day because it captures the experience I'm living.
I've heard people say that you cannot understand how much you will love your child until you are a parent. I now believe it. I won't see my baby for 6 months and already there isn't anything I wouldn't do for little baby Bubs (tip of the cap to Sheridan for suggesting the nickname, especially since Bubs is one of my favorite characters from The Wire). I am just so grateful for this experience and for all that is to come. I cannot wait to be a dad. I'm not ashamed to say that just typing that I'm going to be a dad brings tears to my eyes. I've always known that I wanted to be a father and I know that I am going to be better at being a father than I have ever been at anything else.
I was going to detail my plan for making little Bubs obsessed with Pat Swayze, Nic Cage and Stallone pictures, how I'll teach life lessons using The Wire and convince Bubs that Larry Bird was the emperor of the United States from 1980-1993, but there will be time to discuss that later. Today, I just want to enjoy this moment, ponder what is to come and thank God for the wonderful woman I get to share it all with.
We will return to the usual frivolity soon. Mahalo!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Top 5 Bad Movies
Alright, the list that no one but me has been waiting for: My Top 5 best bad movies of all time. Remember, there is a criteria and reason for the rankings. If you disagree with any ranking, you are simply wrong.
Before we get into the list, a quick story. I was flying to see my brother in Seattle and started chatting with a guy at the airport bar. He told me he worked for Starz, to which I replied, "Oh, you mean Nic Cage cable." He actually thought that was funny and we began to discuss why they play so many Nic Cage pictures on the network. Apparently Nic brings big ratings. Somethings just defy explanation.
Without further ado, to the list. (The Top 3 will be revealed at a later date, as this took me way longer than anticipated)
Honorable Mention:
8 MM;
Fast and Furious;
Con-Air;
Hard to Kill;
Broken Arrow;
Demolition Man;
and the hardest omission, Point Break. Point Break features two of the all time great bad actors dueling it out in between surfing, robbing banks and jumping out of planes. It was really hard leaving it out of the Top 5, but that just speaks to the strength of the rest of the list.
5. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Absurd leading man: Paul Walker. Walker delivers an absolutely magnificent performance as Brian O'Conner, a disgraced former Fed. It almost looks like he is reading cue cards off to the side of the screen. He has 0 charisma. He even walks funny. Next time it's on cable, check out his walk. It will change the way you watch the movie.
Meaningless conflict: Walker and his childhood buddy Tyrese must start running drugs for Cole Hauser's character who delivers a career ending performance. In one scene, they must evade the cops to deliver a package to Hauser that contains a cigar. Pretty sure that counts as meaningless.
Needlessly intense villian: As discussed above, Hauser fits the bill. He walks around in shirts unbuttoned to his navel and loves torturing people for no reason. In one scene he puts a rat under a bucket on a guy's chest, then takes a blow torch to the bucket to make the rat scratch the guy. As he's doing it, he laughs like a lunatic. He also walks around the whole time with a scowl and yells about people trying to take his money. It's fantastic. Plus he is almost certainly committing sex crimes on Eva Mendes' character for the duration of the movie.
Takes itself seriously: The movie had a huge budget, recognizable stars and has a minimal attempt to make jokes. Everything that happens has an important tone, even though it's all insanity.
Final Verdict: 2 Fast is a train wreck from start to finish, has horrible acting, no plot and more foolishness than I can detail. An immediate bad sign is that they couldn't even convince Vin Diesel to come back and reprise his role. It's not like he was doing anything of value at the time. But if it's on, I cannot change the channel.
4. Face/Off
Absurd leading man: Please, this has Nic Cage and John Travolta. The story is that Travolta is tracking super criminal Cage and must undergo a face transplant and body reconstruction to gain access to the prison where Cage's brother is being held to learn where a bomb is planted. They literally have to take his face.... off as Cage explains in one epic scene. Or more to the point, as the box of the DVD says, "In order to trap him. He must become him." Let's really take the time to digest this. The hypothesis is that it is possible to take Travolta's body, take Travolta's face off, put Cage's face on, then make Travolta's body the exact same as Cage's. Wow. But don't worry, they explain how it is possible in about 25 seconds. I can't remember it exactly, but it deals with some new special technology. (Which is always the answer; if that technology existed, every rich woman in the movie would look like Heidi Klum. Sounds good to me, get on it scientists).
Meaningless conflict: This is the weakness of the movie, since there is a bomb set in LA that could kill some number of people that I can't remember and don't care enough about to look up. Needless to say, if there weren't many civilian lives on the line, this would be a top 2 lock. But it does set up an essential part to a bad movie: only 3 people can know about what is going on. In this case, that Travolta has become Cage. So when Cage wakes up, he kills those 3 people and no one else knows what happened and they think that Cage is really Travolta. Confusing? Possibly. Awesome? No question.
Needlessly intense villian: Cage. Travolta. Both playing needlessly intense villains in the same film. Wrap your head around this one: Cage starts the movie doing Nic Cage things (i.e. awesome things like this), but then after the face transplant, it's supposed to be Cage acting like Travolta. And then we get Travolta acting like his body was inhabited by Cage. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor. It's so absurd and delightful.
Takes itself seriously: Once again, it had Cage and Travolta, two of the biggest stars in the world being directed by John Woo. It was clearly made as a legitimate film and is still funnier than the last 10 Adam Sandler movies combined.
Final Analysis: Too strange to believe and too wonderful to look away.
Stay tuned for the Top 3. Can anyone guess what it will be?
Before we get into the list, a quick story. I was flying to see my brother in Seattle and started chatting with a guy at the airport bar. He told me he worked for Starz, to which I replied, "Oh, you mean Nic Cage cable." He actually thought that was funny and we began to discuss why they play so many Nic Cage pictures on the network. Apparently Nic brings big ratings. Somethings just defy explanation.
Without further ado, to the list. (The Top 3 will be revealed at a later date, as this took me way longer than anticipated)
Honorable Mention:
8 MM;
Fast and Furious;
Con-Air;
Hard to Kill;
Broken Arrow;
Demolition Man;
and the hardest omission, Point Break. Point Break features two of the all time great bad actors dueling it out in between surfing, robbing banks and jumping out of planes. It was really hard leaving it out of the Top 5, but that just speaks to the strength of the rest of the list.
5. 2 Fast 2 Furious
Absurd leading man: Paul Walker. Walker delivers an absolutely magnificent performance as Brian O'Conner, a disgraced former Fed. It almost looks like he is reading cue cards off to the side of the screen. He has 0 charisma. He even walks funny. Next time it's on cable, check out his walk. It will change the way you watch the movie.
Meaningless conflict: Walker and his childhood buddy Tyrese must start running drugs for Cole Hauser's character who delivers a career ending performance. In one scene, they must evade the cops to deliver a package to Hauser that contains a cigar. Pretty sure that counts as meaningless.
Needlessly intense villian: As discussed above, Hauser fits the bill. He walks around in shirts unbuttoned to his navel and loves torturing people for no reason. In one scene he puts a rat under a bucket on a guy's chest, then takes a blow torch to the bucket to make the rat scratch the guy. As he's doing it, he laughs like a lunatic. He also walks around the whole time with a scowl and yells about people trying to take his money. It's fantastic. Plus he is almost certainly committing sex crimes on Eva Mendes' character for the duration of the movie.
Takes itself seriously: The movie had a huge budget, recognizable stars and has a minimal attempt to make jokes. Everything that happens has an important tone, even though it's all insanity.
Final Verdict: 2 Fast is a train wreck from start to finish, has horrible acting, no plot and more foolishness than I can detail. An immediate bad sign is that they couldn't even convince Vin Diesel to come back and reprise his role. It's not like he was doing anything of value at the time. But if it's on, I cannot change the channel.
4. Face/Off
Absurd leading man: Please, this has Nic Cage and John Travolta. The story is that Travolta is tracking super criminal Cage and must undergo a face transplant and body reconstruction to gain access to the prison where Cage's brother is being held to learn where a bomb is planted. They literally have to take his face.... off as Cage explains in one epic scene. Or more to the point, as the box of the DVD says, "In order to trap him. He must become him." Let's really take the time to digest this. The hypothesis is that it is possible to take Travolta's body, take Travolta's face off, put Cage's face on, then make Travolta's body the exact same as Cage's. Wow. But don't worry, they explain how it is possible in about 25 seconds. I can't remember it exactly, but it deals with some new special technology. (Which is always the answer; if that technology existed, every rich woman in the movie would look like Heidi Klum. Sounds good to me, get on it scientists).
Meaningless conflict: This is the weakness of the movie, since there is a bomb set in LA that could kill some number of people that I can't remember and don't care enough about to look up. Needless to say, if there weren't many civilian lives on the line, this would be a top 2 lock. But it does set up an essential part to a bad movie: only 3 people can know about what is going on. In this case, that Travolta has become Cage. So when Cage wakes up, he kills those 3 people and no one else knows what happened and they think that Cage is really Travolta. Confusing? Possibly. Awesome? No question.
Needlessly intense villian: Cage. Travolta. Both playing needlessly intense villains in the same film. Wrap your head around this one: Cage starts the movie doing Nic Cage things (i.e. awesome things like this), but then after the face transplant, it's supposed to be Cage acting like Travolta. And then we get Travolta acting like his body was inhabited by Cage. If you haven't seen it, do yourself a favor. It's so absurd and delightful.
Takes itself seriously: Once again, it had Cage and Travolta, two of the biggest stars in the world being directed by John Woo. It was clearly made as a legitimate film and is still funnier than the last 10 Adam Sandler movies combined.
Final Analysis: Too strange to believe and too wonderful to look away.
Stay tuned for the Top 3. Can anyone guess what it will be?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
The Year of Lists
As an homage to Dameshek, I think the blog needs some lists today.
First list: My all time favorite concerts based upon my love of the artist, the company I was with and memorable moments I associate with the show.
5. Dave-Fest with Wala
In 2000, Wala and I traveled to Dallas to see Dave Matthews shows on back to back nights. The shows were fantastic, highlighted by Dave opening with Seek Up on the second night. But the highlight was going to a low rent version of Dave and Busters on the afternoon before the second show. Wala decided to do a free fall that I was positive would kill him. Thankfully it didn't and we got to enjoy the show.
4. Our Lady Peace with Jon
Jon and I went to see Our Lady Peace in a super small theater that couldn't have held more than 70 people. I was a moderate fan of the band, but seeing them in that setting was incredible. It was really just the lead singer on a stool with an acoustic guitar. Being able to hear an artist in that setting is the best way to enjoy a concert. Plus, my brother is awesome and spending any time with him is a good thing.
3. U2 with Jessica, Dusty & Peyton
They make the list based upon the sheer scope of the concert. I've never been a big fan of U2 but it was the most amazing show I've ever been to. The staging and video playback was unlike anything I have ever seen. I could have done without Bono's preaching, but it was expected and didn't last quite as long as I had anticipated.
2. William Fitzsimmons with various guests
Fitzsimmons makes the list because I love every song he has ever made and I got to see him with Jess and my mom on the same night that UNC beat Villanova in the 2009 Final Four. That was a special night. I got to see him again 2 days later with Melissa. Then in 2010, I got to see him with Jess again and due to winning a contest I got a song dedicated to me. I put on an embarrassing performance when I had the song dedicated to me. You would have thought that I was a 13 year old girl being serenaded by Justin Bieber.
1. Brian Vander Ark with various
It is impossible for me to rank the BVA shows I've seen. My 2 favorites were with Sheridan, then Jessica. The Sheridan show was amazing because I got to hang out with him before the show. Again, I acted like a 13 year old. The show with Jess was memorable for being at a really cool venue and having great openers, Chris O'Brien and Chuck E. Costa.
I have gotten asked many times about my love of bad movies and what makes a movie bad. Well, I'm here to tell you.
1. Bad movies need an absurd leading man. Think Swayze, Cage, Diesel, Van Damme, etc.
2. There must be meaningless conflict and absolutely nothing at stake. This disqualifies movies like Rambo and Predator, since those movies feature fights for justice against an evil sheriff and otherworldly beast.
3. There must be a needlessly intense villain. Just imagine any movie where Cage plays a bad guy.
4. It must have been made as a legitimate movie and take itself seriously. B movies are designed to be bad, so they don't qualify. Vin Diesel movies cost 100 million dollars, so they are obviously eligible.
I hope you all are prepared for my next big list which will feature the 5 best bad movies of all time, including a detailed analysis of why the films earned their spot. I hope you are all prepared for a 5,000 word pile of nonsense.
Until next time, Mahalo!
First list: My all time favorite concerts based upon my love of the artist, the company I was with and memorable moments I associate with the show.
5. Dave-Fest with Wala
In 2000, Wala and I traveled to Dallas to see Dave Matthews shows on back to back nights. The shows were fantastic, highlighted by Dave opening with Seek Up on the second night. But the highlight was going to a low rent version of Dave and Busters on the afternoon before the second show. Wala decided to do a free fall that I was positive would kill him. Thankfully it didn't and we got to enjoy the show.
4. Our Lady Peace with Jon
Jon and I went to see Our Lady Peace in a super small theater that couldn't have held more than 70 people. I was a moderate fan of the band, but seeing them in that setting was incredible. It was really just the lead singer on a stool with an acoustic guitar. Being able to hear an artist in that setting is the best way to enjoy a concert. Plus, my brother is awesome and spending any time with him is a good thing.
3. U2 with Jessica, Dusty & Peyton
They make the list based upon the sheer scope of the concert. I've never been a big fan of U2 but it was the most amazing show I've ever been to. The staging and video playback was unlike anything I have ever seen. I could have done without Bono's preaching, but it was expected and didn't last quite as long as I had anticipated.
2. William Fitzsimmons with various guests
Fitzsimmons makes the list because I love every song he has ever made and I got to see him with Jess and my mom on the same night that UNC beat Villanova in the 2009 Final Four. That was a special night. I got to see him again 2 days later with Melissa. Then in 2010, I got to see him with Jess again and due to winning a contest I got a song dedicated to me. I put on an embarrassing performance when I had the song dedicated to me. You would have thought that I was a 13 year old girl being serenaded by Justin Bieber.
1. Brian Vander Ark with various
It is impossible for me to rank the BVA shows I've seen. My 2 favorites were with Sheridan, then Jessica. The Sheridan show was amazing because I got to hang out with him before the show. Again, I acted like a 13 year old. The show with Jess was memorable for being at a really cool venue and having great openers, Chris O'Brien and Chuck E. Costa.
I have gotten asked many times about my love of bad movies and what makes a movie bad. Well, I'm here to tell you.
1. Bad movies need an absurd leading man. Think Swayze, Cage, Diesel, Van Damme, etc.
2. There must be meaningless conflict and absolutely nothing at stake. This disqualifies movies like Rambo and Predator, since those movies feature fights for justice against an evil sheriff and otherworldly beast.
3. There must be a needlessly intense villain. Just imagine any movie where Cage plays a bad guy.
4. It must have been made as a legitimate movie and take itself seriously. B movies are designed to be bad, so they don't qualify. Vin Diesel movies cost 100 million dollars, so they are obviously eligible.
I hope you all are prepared for my next big list which will feature the 5 best bad movies of all time, including a detailed analysis of why the films earned their spot. I hope you are all prepared for a 5,000 word pile of nonsense.
Until next time, Mahalo!
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