Birthing classes...

It's been awhile. But unlike the other occasions when I don't write, this time I have a good reason. You see, I've now been to birthing classes and my life will never be the same.

The first class we had was a 3 hour course on breastfeeding. I wasn't really worried about the breastfeeding class since it seemed to be the least dangerous class in the mix. However, at dinner with friends who had just taken the class, I learned that a featured section of the course was talk of inverted nipples. I couldn't stop laughing about it and coming up with embarrassing questions to ask the instructor.

"So, hypothetically, if my wife, we'll call her 'Messica' had inverted nipples, what could I do to un-invert them? Would ice cubes help?" (Then I would look over at Jess and say "don't worry, no one will ever know that is about you," in a voice that can be heard across the room and wink).

I figured that my stupid hypotheticals would be enough to prepare me for the nipple type discussion, but I was wrong. No one told me that each couple would be given stuffed breasts as exemplars. Not only that, but the stuffed breasts had strings in the back that you could pull to simulate the various types of nipples. Well friends, that pushed me over the top. I started laughing and there was no hope of stopping. I had to look down, try to hold my breath and hang on for dear life so my laughter didn't lead to me getting kicked out of the house. I managed to stifle the laughs. Frankly I was really disappointed in the rest of the guys in the class for not laughing with me. What a bunch of punks.

I knew going in that the birth class was going to be terrible and was preparing myself. What I didn't know was that the video of the birth was taken at a natural birthing center. All the sudden, crazy water births, squatting births and hippie chicks with untamed private areas were all in play. And that is exactly what I had the joy of witnessing. Thankfully the video was short, but not short enough for my taste since I still had to see a weird lady touching her baby's head while the child was still in the birth canal.

I am just a few weeks away from experiencing the birth of my child. I am really just ready to meet her at this point. But I will still wait for her to be fully on the outside before I touch her head.

Until next time, Mahalo.