Recent Movie Review

Jessica and I decided to go to the movies this weekend. We did not choice wisely. We opted for the 5:15 showing of "The Goods." Mistake No. 1.
Mistake No. 2 was arriving far too early for the movie. Instead of sitting in the theater, I recommended that we sneak into a nearby theater to enjoy part of another movie while we waited. Now sneaking into the movie by itself isn't a mistake, but the movie we chose certainly was. We went into "The Ugly Truth." Holy crap, it's awful. But in a weird way it is Carolla related since the star of the pile of crap, Gerard Butler, visited Carolla's radio show to prepare for his role. He sure didn't absorb any comedy while he was there because the only funny moment that we saw was when Katherine Heigel's character said, "Well, I guess the truth is ugly." Holy crappy pun. All hell broke loose when I started to laugh uncontrollably. Jessica has never been more embarrassed by me then she was in that moment. She told me that the rest of the theater had invested 90 minutes with the movie and I shouldn't be an ass (her words) and laugh at it. I told her that if people were stupid enough to buy a ticket to the movie, they should expect people to come in midway through and goof on it. She said if I laughed one more time, she was going to make me get up. (While we are at it, please give me credit for resisting the many opportunities for puns that two terrible movies called "The Ugly Truth," and "The Goods" provide). The end of the movie was so predictable that I bet Jessica $10,000 what it would be 10 minutes before it happened, and I was right. Too bad that it was so obvious only a fool would have doubted what was about to happen.

"The Goods" is legitimately one of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Terrible writing, stupid story and an even worse Will Ferrell cameo. It is a mess of a movie and I honestly cannot imagine how it could have been worse. I like Jeremy Piven, but who does he think he is fooling with his hair plugs. Come on. The guy was bald when he was cast to play George on "Jerry", Seinfeld's show within a show. Here's proof.
I know none of you follow my advice when I tell you to listen to Journey and watch basketball games from 25 years ago, but please heed my warnings. Do not see "The Goods". Act as if "The Goods" is a mogwai and that seeing it is like feeding it after midnight.

Did you all click on that Journey video? Please tell me you did. It's truly magnificent. If you're still unsure, just know that Steve Perry has a scene where he shaves his mustache with the most disappointed look possible on his face. Enjoy!

Actual Carolla Talk

I know you have all been missing my Carolla talk. At least I hope at least some of you have. I've decided to return to my roots on this blog and start writing about the magic of Ace once more. Sure, it will cause some marital strain, but she knew what she was getting into by marrying me.

One of the recent highlights of Ace's podcast was his story about his wife's obsession with Bruce Springsteen. Ace is constantly complaining that his wife doesn't cook, sew, clean, etc., and he has a plan to change all that. He wants to pay Bruce a huge amount of money to do one of his long winded song intros and talk about how he had a girlfriend that didn't do any cooking or sewing and how it was the reason they broke up. Bruce then should encourage all the ladies in the audience to make sure they take care of their man by performing those tasks. (Then Bruce goes into the song, 2, 3, 4). Ace is convinced that his wife would immediately run to the store to buy a sewing machine. This is just inspired stuff. I'm thinking that I need to convince the writer of a certain series of novels involving teenage vampires to do the same thing for Jess. If this writer of a series of books involving the forbidden love of a human and a vampire, who shall remain nameless, could include passages about how cooking for your husband is the ultimate expression of love, I'm pretty sure Jess would do it. You see dear reader(s?), Jessica "allegedly" enjoyed the 4 part series of the supernatural teenager and his human girlfriend, which again, must remain anonymous, so much that if I just typed up some pages and glued them into one of the books, she would be so enthralled she may not even notice. I'll work on the some passages to add to the book and report back with the results.

Jerry O'Connell was a recent guest on the show. Jerry is the kind of guy that every guy is trained to hate from an early age. He's funny, good looking, reasonably talented and most of all sleeps next to her. My natural instinct is to call him, in the words of Dameshek, JERK! (laser sounds). But I just can't hate the guy. Well done good sir is all that can be said.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Another fun fact

Since you all seemed to enjoy my secret fear of seeing a robbery in progress at Blockbuster, I thought I'd share another odd fact about me. I revealed for the first time today that the reason I order the 6 inch sub at Subway instead of the footlong has nothing to do with my appetite or being on a diet. The reason why is quite simple: I don't want them to have to cut my sandwich. Let me explain: when you order the footlong they cut the sandwich using the knife that they use for everyone else. So we all know what that means: When the gross guy in front of you orders a sandwich with extra ranch and mayo, they cut it with the knife. God forbid they cleaned the knife between sandwiches. Even if they did, it would still gross me out. But since they don't clean it, it makes me sick and I wouldn't dare eat the sandwich since there would be mayo/ranch residue on my sandwich. I told Jessica about this and it seemed pretty clear that she was dismayed by this information. There are just some things that you can't reveal prior to marriage and my unnatural fear of a shared utensil is on that list.

I may have to make this a running segment on the blog. Trust me, there is a wealth of material since my neurotic tendencies no almost no bounds.

Carolla related update coming soon, along with more hilarious Journey videos, since I'm sure you've missed them. Until then, Mahalo!