Believe it or not, I actually do get random questions/criticisms/suggestions from dear readers, such as yourself. I figured on the eve of the anniversary of the blog I should take some time to answer them.
These are real questions by real readers. Except for the ones I made up.
Q: Will you please stop writing about stuff I say/do? Everyone that reads the blog will think I am a shrew of a wife.
Jessica L., Edmond, OK
A: Your request has been considered and denied. It's funny. Plus no one who reads this doesn't know us in real life, so they are fully aware that I am ridiculous and not to be trusted to accurately recount events.
Q: Seriously, what's the big deal with Carolla. He's not funny. He has failed spectacularly in TV and film. You should stop listening to him for hours each day, which I am sure will greatly improve the quality of your life.
Steve M., Syracuse, NY
A: False. Carolla is hilarious and a true comedy genius. Steve, it's not my fault you have no sense of humor. It's your life, so if you want to go through it like a giant humorless doucher, I can't stop you. Do me a favor, watch this. If you still think Carolla's not funny then we are at an impasse. I'll go to the right and you'll go left with the Nickelback fans.
Q: I get it, you like Journey. You do realize that music has come out since 1988. Please link to some other videos.
Lawrence B., Tulsa, OK
A: Sure thing Larry. Enjoy.
Larry, we obviously can't be friends. If you don't enjoy Journey videos for both the music and the unintentional comedy, we'll never see eye to eye. The above video features a mustachioed Steve Perry singing his heart out while out rambling on the road. Then shaving his mustache and sweating like a demon to show how much he misses her. Plus you get the added comedy of the bassist (who is the breakout star of the Separate Ways video) looking forlorn into the mirror, where his jazzercise girlfriend's photo hangs, as he pretends to play.
Q: My girlfriend isn't a fan of Ace either. How can I turn her around?
Phillip R., River Bend, OR
A: Phil, I'm probably not the right man to ask, since I can't even convince my wife to listen to or watch any Carolla related content. Any success I have had in making Jess enjoy Carolla had to come through trickery, such as relating a funny rant or opinion without the source. After she laughs, I tell her it was Ace and she feels ashamed for laughing. Another more sinister plan would be to get her a dog and name him Ace. She'll love the dog and eventually there will be some transference and she will start liking Ace more.
Make sure you check back for the Aceiversary Blog and the rest of reader mail.
Until next time, enjoy a non-Journey video. Mahalo!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Jessica's Olympic Thoughts
Jessica has been in rare form the past couple days with her Olympics commentary. It must be shared:
1. She decided that the ski jump looks easy and is probably something she can do. She was not joking. I tried to explain that I doubt she could even keep her skis straight in the grooves to make it to the jump, let alone do that successfully then jump 300 feet. She would most likely end up like this. Then I would have to reenact the male version of this song. (I think it is an amazing song but super sad when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about. I enjoy this particular clip since he is joking around beforehand, then sings a song about a dead guy's bride to be having to trade her wedding dress for a funeral dress)
2. She declared that being held in the air by a male figure skating partner would be simple. Again, I tried to reason with her that staying perfectly balanced and still, while being hoisted by a small man would be difficult. She maintains that part of it is easy and she could have been a good pairs skater if that is all she had to do. She would cut someone's ear off with a skate during her first practice run.
3. That a Russian figure skater looked tough and would not "be the type of guy you would want to see in a dark alley." The skater is this guy. Process that for a moment. I can't imagine I would do anything other than laugh if I saw this guy trying to mug me. When I pointed out the absurdity of her statement, she did relent and say that once he started skating he didn't look that tough.
4. Lastly, that a male figure skater had to be straight based on the way he moved his hips at the beginning of a routine. She said that he moved his hips like I do when I try to dance and that no gay man would move that way. She may have a valid point with that one.
I on the other hand understand that the only Winter Olympic event I could ever do would be throwing the stone in curling. I couldn't even be one of the sweepers since I would certainly fall down trying to sweep that fast.
I am really looking forward to another week and a half of these comments. ACG, tell Canada to get it's act together so we can see some skiing.
Next post, I am going to answer some reader mail, so please send along any questions you may have. Until then, Mahalo!
1. She decided that the ski jump looks easy and is probably something she can do. She was not joking. I tried to explain that I doubt she could even keep her skis straight in the grooves to make it to the jump, let alone do that successfully then jump 300 feet. She would most likely end up like this. Then I would have to reenact the male version of this song. (I think it is an amazing song but super sad when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about. I enjoy this particular clip since he is joking around beforehand, then sings a song about a dead guy's bride to be having to trade her wedding dress for a funeral dress)
2. She declared that being held in the air by a male figure skating partner would be simple. Again, I tried to reason with her that staying perfectly balanced and still, while being hoisted by a small man would be difficult. She maintains that part of it is easy and she could have been a good pairs skater if that is all she had to do. She would cut someone's ear off with a skate during her first practice run.
3. That a Russian figure skater looked tough and would not "be the type of guy you would want to see in a dark alley." The skater is this guy. Process that for a moment. I can't imagine I would do anything other than laugh if I saw this guy trying to mug me. When I pointed out the absurdity of her statement, she did relent and say that once he started skating he didn't look that tough.
4. Lastly, that a male figure skater had to be straight based on the way he moved his hips at the beginning of a routine. She said that he moved his hips like I do when I try to dance and that no gay man would move that way. She may have a valid point with that one.
I on the other hand understand that the only Winter Olympic event I could ever do would be throwing the stone in curling. I couldn't even be one of the sweepers since I would certainly fall down trying to sweep that fast.
I am really looking forward to another week and a half of these comments. ACG, tell Canada to get it's act together so we can see some skiing.
Next post, I am going to answer some reader mail, so please send along any questions you may have. Until then, Mahalo!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How to be a hit at your Super Bowl party
This is usually a space used exclusively for wasteful and ultimately fruitless thoughts on subjects only interesting to me. Well today things change. Today I am going to give all of you a surefire way to be a hit at your upcoming Super Bowl party. The Super Bowl is the one time of year that everyone watches football, whether you are interested in the game or not. So inevitably the party is divided amongst people interested in football, people interested in commercials and people interested in getting really drunk. If people are allowed to stay in their desired camp and not interact, the party is no fun. The key is to get everyone involved. Now, you are asking, "How can I unite such divergent groups?" Simple; The magic of gambling.
I have seen this strategy work firsthand. I am married to a woman who has 0 interest in professional football. The week before our first Super Bowl together I told her stories about being in Vegas for the Super Bowl the year before and all the crazy bets they have in the sports books. Intrigued, she asked what stuff you could bet on. I went through the list: heads/tails on the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, what the first penalty will be, how many Bud Light commercials will be shown, etc. I didn't even have to break out the various cross sport bets available, such as Kobe Bryant points v. pass attempts for a QB and she was hooked. Our system is based upon imaginary dollars, say $1,000, which you can bet in any combination on the various bets. Jess and I had a dinner bet our first year, which see easily won. But it really was a win/win, since she didn't complain about me watching football, because she was really concerned with the number of eTrade commercials and if there was going to be a punt return touchdown. I have never seen her so invested in televised sports that didn't involve OU losing BCS games.
We went to a Super Bowl party at co-worker Amy's house last year and I introduced gambling to the party. It was a bigger hit than my actual presence. There was a legitimately tense moment prior to kick off because our friend Katie had put a huge bet on Sully doing the coin toss. So when he came out, the room exploded and Katie was sitting pretty to win big. At co-worker Amy's, the bets were all between significant other/spouses, but it works really well in a group setting. I would suggest having everyone throw in 10 bucks, use the imaginary money system, then highest score takes the pool. Can you imagine 20 people having a stake in whether the first penalty is pass interference or holding and whether Kim Kardashian is shown more than 3 and 1/2 times during the telecast? All attendees will pay attention the whole time. That is the beauty of the Super Bowl bets, nothing is off limits. Anything you can think of has odds, or some savvy gambler in your group can create odds for it. Plus, there will probably be someone at the party (ahem, a guy like me) with money on the game who will be open to making some side bets during the game to hedge his losses if things start going poorly. Find that poor sap (again, me) and take advantage of his love of gambling. Or if you are that gambler, find the guy that who is there solely to get really drunk. You should already have a bet on the number of beers he will drink (o/u 10.5; take the over), sit next to him, keep a beer in his hand to insure you win the over and then convince him to make crazy bets and take his money. Sure, that's probably an underhanded move, but gambling is a jungle and you have to make your money where you can.
If anyone is interested I have already created this year's spreadsheet of bets and will happily send it to you so you can impress your friends. My personal favorite bet is about the number of Peyton Manning commercials v. number of times Kim Kardashian is shown on camera. I am leaning toward Peyton crushing Kardashian, but if Reggie Bush does something spectacular, they will show her. Good luck with your wagers.
Until next time, Mahalo.
I have seen this strategy work firsthand. I am married to a woman who has 0 interest in professional football. The week before our first Super Bowl together I told her stories about being in Vegas for the Super Bowl the year before and all the crazy bets they have in the sports books. Intrigued, she asked what stuff you could bet on. I went through the list: heads/tails on the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, what the first penalty will be, how many Bud Light commercials will be shown, etc. I didn't even have to break out the various cross sport bets available, such as Kobe Bryant points v. pass attempts for a QB and she was hooked. Our system is based upon imaginary dollars, say $1,000, which you can bet in any combination on the various bets. Jess and I had a dinner bet our first year, which see easily won. But it really was a win/win, since she didn't complain about me watching football, because she was really concerned with the number of eTrade commercials and if there was going to be a punt return touchdown. I have never seen her so invested in televised sports that didn't involve OU losing BCS games.
We went to a Super Bowl party at co-worker Amy's house last year and I introduced gambling to the party. It was a bigger hit than my actual presence. There was a legitimately tense moment prior to kick off because our friend Katie had put a huge bet on Sully doing the coin toss. So when he came out, the room exploded and Katie was sitting pretty to win big. At co-worker Amy's, the bets were all between significant other/spouses, but it works really well in a group setting. I would suggest having everyone throw in 10 bucks, use the imaginary money system, then highest score takes the pool. Can you imagine 20 people having a stake in whether the first penalty is pass interference or holding and whether Kim Kardashian is shown more than 3 and 1/2 times during the telecast? All attendees will pay attention the whole time. That is the beauty of the Super Bowl bets, nothing is off limits. Anything you can think of has odds, or some savvy gambler in your group can create odds for it. Plus, there will probably be someone at the party (ahem, a guy like me) with money on the game who will be open to making some side bets during the game to hedge his losses if things start going poorly. Find that poor sap (again, me) and take advantage of his love of gambling. Or if you are that gambler, find the guy that who is there solely to get really drunk. You should already have a bet on the number of beers he will drink (o/u 10.5; take the over), sit next to him, keep a beer in his hand to insure you win the over and then convince him to make crazy bets and take his money. Sure, that's probably an underhanded move, but gambling is a jungle and you have to make your money where you can.
If anyone is interested I have already created this year's spreadsheet of bets and will happily send it to you so you can impress your friends. My personal favorite bet is about the number of Peyton Manning commercials v. number of times Kim Kardashian is shown on camera. I am leaning toward Peyton crushing Kardashian, but if Reggie Bush does something spectacular, they will show her. Good luck with your wagers.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
