The Live Blog Returns

Since Melissa requested it, here is the live (DVR) blog of The Bachelorette finale.

The promos keep telling me that this will be the most exciting finale in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Of course they say that every time and the finales are usually weak. If this one answers the following questions it will actually be the best ever:
1. Is Jillian good looking? That is really the burning question this season. I can't figure it out, but I think I'm leaning towards her not being good looking. My assessment: nice chassis, bad helmet.
2. Is Ed really gay? I'm clearly in the yes camp. Someone told me that there is a rumor Ed has a girlfriend. Substitute girlfriend for boyfriend and I believe it.

Since we have the benefit of DVR, Jess and I will be flying through this episode. I hope you enjoy my running commentary more than Jess will.

I just finished some ice cream, have Izzy by my side and I'm ready to go:
(All times reflect DVR)

8:37: Recap of previous episodes. Blah, blah, blah. Jillian looks cute, then gross, then cries, Gay Ed talks about how important his parents are (which is a sure sign he's gay. No man over 30 really cares that much about his parents, no offense mom).
lots of fast forwarding...
8:50: more recapping, Jillian talking about all the drama, looking solemnly at the beach.
8:51: Jill talking about Ed's peen not working again. I hope they gave him a pile of money to consent to her constant references to his peen not working. Ed not helping his case by wearing a pink shirt unbuttoned far too low.

8:52: Ed claims to be excited but looks like he just found out Queer Eye was canceled. By the way, he walks super gay.

8:53: I wish I could figure out a time stamp, this is difficult. Jill's mom = not cute; that doesn't bode well for Jill's future. How did her cousin get the invite? She has barely spoken and I already hate her.

8:54: Ed recaps why he left, lies and says it is about his job, when it is really about him being gay. Seriously, if he's not gay, I don't know anything.

8:56: Jill's mom got on Wikipedia ala Micheal Scott for her interrogation techniques. Really bad questions. Ed answers like he is a contestant in "Mr. Gay ABC Reality Show Contestant."

8:57: Jill is fired up to be engaged. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter who asks, she is saying yes.

8:59: Ed's making eyes at Jill's dad. He is officially the creep of the week. Ed talks about wanting to propose. He has spent 4 hours with her alone. That is insane.

9:00: Ed crosses his leg like a lady. Seriously. I'm 100% on him now.

9:01: Random cousin stealing screen time. Ed in coconut bra: What the hell is going on here. My head might explode before I finish this blog.

9:02: Jessica says she wants to nominate me as the next bachelor so I can be part of a great TV show.

9:03: Kiptyn's date: lots of making out. They look weird kissing. His shirt is terrible. Another missed kiss. Get on the same page you two.

9:04: Family date 2: Jill hugs everyone like she hasn't seen them in months, when she just saw them. I guess they didn't commit to the order of dates. Kiptyn sounds a little gay. Hmmm, sensing a theme. Jill's dad has the same outfit and same Oakley glasses everyone had in 1994.

9:06: Jill's mom is facing forward, then turns her head to talk. It's freaking me out. Can't she turn her body towards him? Just incredibly awkward.

9:07: Cousin trying to steal scenes again. If I was Jill I would not have invited my better looking, attention starved cousin. I wish I could be on things like "Jill's crazy cousin made a pass at one of the cameramen for more screen time."

9:09: more making out. They really need to practice. Their kissing is truly uncomfortable.
fast forward....

9:10: recap dates: Cousin stealing time, just said "work orientat-ated" I love how Canadians pronounce things. Jill is lighting up about Ed asking to marry her. She so clearly wants a husband. That's not going to work out.

9:12: "looking for the right one to live the happily ever after with." The Cousin is awesome.

9:13: 1 on 1 with Cousin. Jill's going to talk about Ed's peen. Mark it down.

9:14: Yep, I win. She sparred his feelings a bit. Jill asks for a lightning bolt to help her decide, what she really needs is a boom box. Start playing The Village People and watch Ed rip off his shirt and dance. That's your sign.

fast forward:

9:15: Another pink shirt for Ed. Same ringer tank top. I can't take this anymore. Seriously.

9:16: Ed leans over, gives the gayest look possible. I can't stop laughing. Jessica pauses to allow me to capture the moment. The spot she paused adds another one to the "Jillian is not cute" column if you're scoring at home.

9:17: Jill and Ed in helicopter. She says "pumped" and "huge" over and over. Coincidence?

9:19: Special waterfall date: Ed says she could be one of his best guy friends: again, he's seen her for 5 hours at this point. Stop telling her what she wants to hear. He's gonna break her heart. Mark it down.

9:20: more lines to Jill. She's eating it up.

9:21: F me. Ed's wearing those f'ing short shorts again. Buy him some f'ing shorts ABC.

9:22: more talk of Ed's performance issues. Geez, these two need to stop making out. It's gross. I really think Ed is full of crap. It's one line after another.

9:23: Lights out, cut to volcano eruption. Very subtle ABC.

fast forward....

9:23: Kiptyn is better since he was appropriate shorts. Jill's one piece shirt/shorts one piece combo is awful. Weird Canadians. Jess says she had something similar when she was 4.

9:24: Kiptyn does lots of sit ups. Not sure how he has time for a job. Jess makes a good point: Jill likes Kiptyn since he's out of her league.

9:25: "Out in the middle of nowhwere" says Kiptyn. Sure, except for the 15 production/camera guys. Real intimate.

Sidebar: do you think that Jill sleeps with all these dudes? The production makes you think so, but I have my doubts.

9:27: Kiptyn needs to tell Jill to pick the heterosexual. That is what I would say if I were on the show.

9:28: Jill is swooning. Again, she wants to be married. "The things I've been waiting to hear" is the phrase of the night. I'm pretty sure I could meet her, tell her I love her and want to have hundreds of babies and she would be ready to marry me 5 minutes later.

9:29: Kiptyn tells us you have to be madly in love to propose. Glad he let us know. I wish I knew that when I proposed to Jessica.

9:31: Jill really needs a push up bra. I'm not trying to be rude, but goodness. It's absurd.

9:32: Jill doesn't love that Ed left her. Again, good to know. But Ed promises it won't happen again, so she believes it. In related news, I just sold Jill magic beans for 10 grand.

9:33: Kiptyn must own stock in a V-neck t-shirt company. He's selecting rings. I hate when they pretend they are buying the ring. We all know ABC foots the bill.

9:34: Ed may not be gay. He just used the same lotion on his face and arms. No gay dude would do that. What happens if they pick the same ring?
Ed picked a terrible ring. I may have been way off on the gay thing.

9:35: Kiptyn in a towel. He's going to dump her so he has more time for sit ups.

9:36: Ed in more short shorts. I'm going to send him some board shorts.

9:37: I will never understand how 2 dudes can show up and both want to propose. If Jess was dating another dude when she was dating me, I wouldn't have proposed the second she picked me. I wish someone would be honest about the process.

9:38: Harrison shows up for 5 seconds. He probably gets paid 6 figures per second of screen time. I want that gig.

fast forward...

9:39: My dream scenario: whoever she picks says he can't do it and leaves. That would be awesome.
Kiptyn is first out of the limo. His suit looks purple. He shall now be referred to as Grimace from here on out.

9:40: She looks happy to see Grimace. I don't believe it though. Kiptyn does a recap, which would be helpful if the past hour hadn't been a recap. Kiptyn spills his guts. Didn't he learn from Jason, don't commit until she picks you. Otherwise you look like a creeper.

9:41: Jill gives him a glowing review; I feel a giant but coming.... tears and BAM. She tells him she's in love with someone else. Grimace is not happy. But he's a man. Too bad he isn't 40. (OSU joke).

9:43: Jill is not talking this well. Grimace should push her in the pool. Again, that's what I would have done. Grimace drives away in the rejection limo. Tough day for cartoon mascots. Does he get to keep the ring? I would sell that thing.

9:44: Grimace recaps. Again, he should have just stood there, said, "What's it gonna be?" and waited to see if it was him.

fast forward....

9:46: Jill is excited to see Ed. She's even more excited to be engaged. Oh no. Red minivan. Reid's back. He's back to save her from the gay dude. Harrison claims Ed is literally on his way. BS.

9:48: Reid's rocking sneakers with a suit jacket. Not sure about that look. He claims he's going to propose. Why is she crying? Uh oh. Things just got interesting. Looks like ABC wasn't blowing smoke up my A by promising a dramatic finale.

9:49: Jessica is misunderstanding TV again and instructing Jill to pick Reid. He had to pull "a million strings" to be back. Or actually just make one call. Either way.

9:50: Reid says he was an idiot. I'm losing respect. He was normal, didn't tell her what she wanted to her, but came back to say he loves her. Poor Jill. 3 potential proposals. She can barely contain her glee.

9:51: So we are to believe she was ready to say yes to Ed, but Reid "unexpectadly" returns and it all changes? Shenanigans. Jill uses the word "undescribable." Yep, it's so undescribable that she just made up a word.

9:52: Yeah, Reid passed 8th grade and says "indescribable." Much better. Where's Ed? I want him to show up and try to beat up Reid.

9:53: Reid is on one knee? WTF? She makes him stand up. If only Reid was wearing uncomfortably short shorts.

9:54: Jill needs to think. Should she pick the nice, seemingly normal guy. Or the possible homosexual who loves short shorts, pink shirts and Judy Garland records. I only made up one of those.

fast forward...

9:56: Ed still driving to the location. Did his driver pretend to get lost? Oh, Harrison's back. Time to earn that money. I think Harrison could sway this one way or the other. I enjoy Harrison.

9:57: Jill wonders how to make a decision like this: easy, pick the one you like. Jill adds some more to the "Jill's not cute column."

9:58: Good to see they sprayed the walk way down again. That's why Reid is wearing sneakers. He didn't want to slip on the wood. Jill fell in love with someone in the 3 days since Reid left. Gross.

9:59: Jill's excited for Ed. Looks like big gay Ed is the winner. Jill is crazy about Reid, but still letting him go. She wonders if it is wrong. Yes, yes it is. If you "love" two people, you don't love any. Like the old saying with QB's, if you have 2, you really have 0.

10:00: Reid takes it well. He's your next bachelor America. She clearly likes him. I'm excited for October's US Weekly with the cover story about them being together and Ed living his dream of owning a Bed and Breakfast in Modesto with his partner Sergio.

10:02: What's up with the minivan? Did they blow the budget on all the helicopters this year. Super weak.

10:03: I'm sure Ed loves watching the woman he proposed to cryng sending other dudes home. Very similar to when I proposed to Jess. Jess was crying for very different reasons though since she realized she was about to be proposed to by me, which isn't great.

10:04: Someone get this girl a push up bra. She's now 110%. Jill just swore, so I'm liking her more.

fast forward... (Izzy is very bored by this. She keeps trying to get my attention. Do you people see the sacrifices I'm making?)

10:06: Ed arrives. Jill claims he is her best friend. She must not know anyone else. Is Ed's suit purple? Or eggplant? My TV color must be screwed up. Or I'm color blind.

10:07: Harrison is the best in the business at directing gay suitors toward the lonely woman they are going to propose to then disappoint horribly.

10:08: Ed's speech is well rehearsed. The cue cards must be well hidden. Jill's in love, the camera pans wide, Gregg wants to puke.

10:09: Weird kissing. Ed proposes. Good product shot. Jill squeals. And then squeals some more. Izzy is over this shit and sighs.

10:10: pan out and recap of all Ed's dates. Over/under on short shots: 3.
Maybe that is why she likes him, they can share shorts.

10:11: 1; 2; 3; 4; He looks so uncomfortable hugging her. 5; Well rehearsed run off the stage.
10:12: After the Final Rose tomorrow. I cannot wait.

That's a wrap. Jessica is back to reading Twilight and I'll be back to writing about Carolla.

Thanks for reading and for understanding any and all spelling/grammar/syntax errors, although unless this is your first time to read, you should expect it. Until next time, Mahalo.