Secret Fears

Before we explore Jimmy Kimmel's transcendent performance on the podcast, I need to unburden my soul about one of my secret fears. For some reason every time I drop off a movie at Blockbuster I'm secretly afraid that there will be some masked man in the store robbing it. I convince myself that this masked man will see me and have no choice but to eliminate the only witness to his crimes. (Clearly there is a reason I haven't spoken of this before since it is pure nonsense and insane). Well, today as I dropped off JCVD I noticed that the outer door was off the store. There was a handwritten note on the second door saying that the store was closed. These unusual circumstances coupled with my already unreasonable fear and tendency for drama made me nervous. That was before I dropped my movie into the slot and saw a guy in a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor. I freaked out. Why was there a dude sleeping in Blockbuster? I have no idea and frankly don't want to know. It's rather terrifying and I would like to forget it happened at all. I will sooner willingly walk into the reptile section of the zoo than return to that Blockbuster.

Jimmy Kimmel was on with Ace and it was magical. The highlight was without a doubt Kimmel talking about his latest prank on one of his writers, Mike August. The back story was that Mike made a citizens arrest of a drunk driver. This inspired Kimmel to design a prank claiming that Mike earned Burbank's "Citizen of the Month" award for his heroics. Obviously such an award doesn't exist. But Kimmel made mock stationary, used actual city officials names and even had his son change his outgoing voicemail to impersonate the city official, with strict instructions to not answer calls from numbers he didn't know. The victim totally bought the prank. He was set to be honored at a ceremony at city hall and called to confirm his attendance. The problem was when Mike called Kimmel's son to confirm. Kimmel's son had passed his earlier tests without incident, but on this occasion the victim called from Kimmel's office, so his son picked up since it was his father's number. It's terrible that the prank didn't work out, but it was a great idea. Kimmel is the worst kind of deviant prankster: He's a comedic genius, he's tireless and he has lots of money. That's really a pretty unstoppable combination.
Actually, it reminds me of my office prankster Andy, minus the money. Andy's latest victim was co-worker Amy, who was expecting a ball gown via Fed Ex. Andy enjavascript:void(0)ded up stealing a Fed Ex box, creating a fake shipping invoice that indicated the dress was out of stock but that many other customers viewed the alternate dress being shipped as an acceptable substitute, going to goodwill and purchasing an alternate dress that looked like a table cloth and even convincing co-worker Amy's loyal assistant that the fake package was the real one. It was an amazing plan, save for one small detail. Co-worker Amy apparently cannot use adult scissors and unknowingly cut herself on the fake package, then proceeded to bleed on her real dress. It did not end well for any one in the office, even those of us who were uninvolved.

The countdown to the money is now at 10 days. All 4 of you loyal readers are invited to celebrate my victory at an as of yet undetermined bar in OKC. I'll use some of my winnings buying drinks for everyone but Jessica.

Gregg Out!