I'm sure you all have missed me, so I'm coming out of retirement for a moment.
Jess and I had the great fortune to watch "Roadhouse" and "Fast & Furious" a few weeks back. Whenever I watch movies like this, I make random comments to Jess about how much I love revenge pictures. (A revenge picture is any movie where the hero has to avenge some past misdeed, which is sometimes even his own fault. There are revenge pictures where a cop's wife gets killed by the criminal he couldn't catch, the cop's partner gets killed because he was too much of a baby to pull the trigger or someone in his family dies via random violence. No matter the origin, I love the result.) It usually involves someone deciding that they are going to play by their own rules, not care about any consequences and take down the bad guy. I honestly cannot get enough of this stuff.
I also love any heist picture. To steal a Carolla idea, someone needs to make a "second to last job" heist movie, since when they say it's there last job disaster ensues. But it's always exciting to watch the preparation for the robbery. I wish there was some trade school I could go to so I could learn to be a "second story man." Those guys are always sweet.
Finally, any movie where the hero is chosen by a random authority figure because they needed the "best" is always cinematic magic. Whether it's the best bouncer, driver, thief, etc., it's always a good thing. Just once in my life I want to have this exchange:
Boss: Gregg, I need you for this project.
Gregg: Why me?
Boss: (puts down coffee mug, looks down for a beat, then raises his head) Because you're the best. That's why.
Sadly, that would probably be the highlight of my life.
I can't possibly be alone in loving revenge/heist/you're the best pictures. So I can't understand why there isn't a new one coming out once a week. I wouldn't dare miss one of them, as my recent purchase of The Expendables on Blu-Ray can attest.
Random recollection of the week: I was complaining to my friend Katie about how bananas have the worst shelf life of any fruit and seemingly go from too green, to bruised in moments. She changed my life and shopping habits by telling me to buy various stages of green bananas from separate bunches so they don't all age at the same pace. This blew my mind. How has it never occurred to me to do that? Do other people know about this? It just makes me think about all the things in the world that I don't know about that would probably improve the quality of my life immensely.
Since it's New Years, I guess I should have some resolutions. In no particular order:
stick with my new diet and workout plan, continue to watch as many corny action movies as possible and to write more regularly. (I have no great intention of fulfilling one of these; feel free to guess which one).
Until next time, Mahalo!
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Summer Musings...
The title of this post will mean nothing to most people, but if you work with me you understand. Some genius prankster found my phone unattended in the office and proceeded to send an email that was allegedly from me offering some advice on how to spend the last moments of summer. The advice was as follows:
1. Try the veal - You can never go wrong with a good veal cutlet whether it's grilled or parmesan.
2. Wax on. Wax off - Rent the original Karate Kid. No one wants to admit it, but this is really Hollywood at its best.
3. Delete with extreme prejudice - Nothing eases the mind or speeds up Outlook load times like deleting old email messages.
4. Chill out - Beat the heat with an ice cold Fanta! I know some are partial to Coke products, but for my money, nothing refreshes like a Fanta.
Pretty funny right? Plus since I have been the architect of my share of office pranks, I had it coming.
But I have some real musings that I have been thinking about lately, so figured I should share those.
1. Sad but true fact about me: I learned more about American History from watching the movie 1776, than I did in all my history courses combined. I specifically remember getting a 115 on a test in college because there was extra credit for knowing the names of Constitutional delegates. I just sang the songs in my head and nailed it.
2. In addition to my previously posted fear of seeing a robbery at Blockbuster when it is closed, I am convinced some criminal is lying in wait for me in the morning when I open my garage door to leave for the gym. So much so, that I have to get into my car, lock the doors, then open the garage door.
3. My sense of humor must be terrible. Every time I talk to other people about shows I think are funny they strongly disagree. For example, I think Community and Parks and Recreation are the funniest sitcoms on network TV. I told this to a group of colleagues at lunch and you would have thought I said I liked drowning puppies in my spare time by their reactions. I tried to salvage the situation and tell them that I also love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They again disagreed, even though they admitted they had never seen the show. To me, this is just insanity. I mean, how can you watch this and not laugh? I would argue that the look on Dennis' face when he discovers the high harmony on Charlie's song is funnier than any entire episode of The Office for the past season. I guess if you don't think that's funny, I don't want to be your friend anyway.
Well, that is probably enough to ponder for one day. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!
1. Try the veal - You can never go wrong with a good veal cutlet whether it's grilled or parmesan.
2. Wax on. Wax off - Rent the original Karate Kid. No one wants to admit it, but this is really Hollywood at its best.
3. Delete with extreme prejudice - Nothing eases the mind or speeds up Outlook load times like deleting old email messages.
4. Chill out - Beat the heat with an ice cold Fanta! I know some are partial to Coke products, but for my money, nothing refreshes like a Fanta.
Pretty funny right? Plus since I have been the architect of my share of office pranks, I had it coming.
But I have some real musings that I have been thinking about lately, so figured I should share those.
1. Sad but true fact about me: I learned more about American History from watching the movie 1776, than I did in all my history courses combined. I specifically remember getting a 115 on a test in college because there was extra credit for knowing the names of Constitutional delegates. I just sang the songs in my head and nailed it.
2. In addition to my previously posted fear of seeing a robbery at Blockbuster when it is closed, I am convinced some criminal is lying in wait for me in the morning when I open my garage door to leave for the gym. So much so, that I have to get into my car, lock the doors, then open the garage door.
3. My sense of humor must be terrible. Every time I talk to other people about shows I think are funny they strongly disagree. For example, I think Community and Parks and Recreation are the funniest sitcoms on network TV. I told this to a group of colleagues at lunch and you would have thought I said I liked drowning puppies in my spare time by their reactions. I tried to salvage the situation and tell them that I also love It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia. They again disagreed, even though they admitted they had never seen the show. To me, this is just insanity. I mean, how can you watch this and not laugh? I would argue that the look on Dennis' face when he discovers the high harmony on Charlie's song is funnier than any entire episode of The Office for the past season. I guess if you don't think that's funny, I don't want to be your friend anyway.
Well, that is probably enough to ponder for one day. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!
Friday, August 6, 2010
The Situation
The return of Jersey Shore mandates the return of the blog. This show continues to entertain and break new ground in comedy. Just last night The Situation had the following exchange:
TS: Yeah, I need to place an order for delivery.
DG: What's the name on that?
TS: The Situation.
DG: What?
TS: The Situation. Capital S, i, t, u, a, t, i, o, n.
Simply brilliant. We also learned that the new house is a grenade free foundation.
I was really worried that season 2 wouldn't live up to season 1, but I've been proven wrong so far. Let's hope they keep up the good work.
I actually listened to Carolla for the first time in several weeks this morning. I am not a fan of his new podcast format, since T is prominently involved. She's the worst, Jerry, the worst. But I have discovered that they do a weekly recap called, "This Week in This Week." It's basically a highlight show and covers all the good, without all the crap filler. I will at least listen to that once a week and share my thoughts.
I had an extraordinary discovery the other day. I learned that Girl Clerk #1's ex-boyfriend is a Carolla fiend just like me and that factor in their breakup was his Carolla obsession. I wish I could have been around to instruct her how to deal with the situation and have him start an unreadable blog to save the relationship. So maybe for the sake of others in relationships, I need to start writing again in order to show others the way to maintain happy relationships with their partners of questionable comedy taste.
And now a non-Journey song for your weekend. Mahalo.
TS: Yeah, I need to place an order for delivery.
DG: What's the name on that?
TS: The Situation.
DG: What?
TS: The Situation. Capital S, i, t, u, a, t, i, o, n.
Simply brilliant. We also learned that the new house is a grenade free foundation.
I was really worried that season 2 wouldn't live up to season 1, but I've been proven wrong so far. Let's hope they keep up the good work.
I actually listened to Carolla for the first time in several weeks this morning. I am not a fan of his new podcast format, since T is prominently involved. She's the worst, Jerry, the worst. But I have discovered that they do a weekly recap called, "This Week in This Week." It's basically a highlight show and covers all the good, without all the crap filler. I will at least listen to that once a week and share my thoughts.
I had an extraordinary discovery the other day. I learned that Girl Clerk #1's ex-boyfriend is a Carolla fiend just like me and that factor in their breakup was his Carolla obsession. I wish I could have been around to instruct her how to deal with the situation and have him start an unreadable blog to save the relationship. So maybe for the sake of others in relationships, I need to start writing again in order to show others the way to maintain happy relationships with their partners of questionable comedy taste.
And now a non-Journey song for your weekend. Mahalo.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Happy (Late) Birthday to Melissa
My brother Jonathan is not the only person to blame for this blog: My sister Melissa bears a lot of shame for its existence. Melissa is an amazing sister and the type of person who always believes in and encourages you. For instance, she thinks I'm funny and that I should have a blog. Ta-da. I can always count on her to read and think that my rambling is amusing. Thanks Melissa. I couldn't ask for a better sister (thinly veiled assault at my other sisters; learn from Melissa's example and laugh when I tell jokes).
I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this before, but it makes me so happy it needs to be repeated. I get endless joy of seeing girls who were not considered attractive in high school being attractive as grown ups. I get the same joy from nerdy guys that have gone on to grow into themselves, get good jobs and wives that are far too attractive for them. Way to go formerly ugly girls and nerds.
I still haven't had time to recap my Vegas trip. Perhaps I am still baffled at the $24,000 bottle of wine available at Prime in Bellagio. I cannot imagine how wealthy you must be to justify that purchase. Or the dude sitting by himself playing 3 hands at $10,000/hand in Blackjack. He was joyless at both wins and losses. I was playing $25/hand and freaking out each time. If he makes about 85,000,000/year, our gambling was equivalent so maybe that is why he wasn't worried. ANYWAY, Vegas is just a strange place where money seems to lose value and grown ups act like drunk 16 year olds with their parents credit card.
Happy Birthday Melissa, and until next time, Mahalo!
I'm pretty sure I have mentioned this before, but it makes me so happy it needs to be repeated. I get endless joy of seeing girls who were not considered attractive in high school being attractive as grown ups. I get the same joy from nerdy guys that have gone on to grow into themselves, get good jobs and wives that are far too attractive for them. Way to go formerly ugly girls and nerds.
I still haven't had time to recap my Vegas trip. Perhaps I am still baffled at the $24,000 bottle of wine available at Prime in Bellagio. I cannot imagine how wealthy you must be to justify that purchase. Or the dude sitting by himself playing 3 hands at $10,000/hand in Blackjack. He was joyless at both wins and losses. I was playing $25/hand and freaking out each time. If he makes about 85,000,000/year, our gambling was equivalent so maybe that is why he wasn't worried. ANYWAY, Vegas is just a strange place where money seems to lose value and grown ups act like drunk 16 year olds with their parents credit card.
Happy Birthday Melissa, and until next time, Mahalo!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Only in Vegas
Jessica and I just returned from Las Vegas. After you spend even just a few moments in Vegas you realize that things happen there that don't happen in any other location. Here's a short list I noticed last week:
1. People openly drinking 60 ounce margaritas in the street;
2. Normal girls dressing exactly like hookers;
3. Hookers wearing $25,000 rings;
4. 2 young girls sitting on a man's lap in an expensive hotel, grinding away, then getting up and asking to join them outside to smoke. As they walk, one turns and asks the man his name;
5. A man and woman on the elevator, the woman clearly a prostitute, the morning after she did God know what for a few dollars exchanging pleasantries like they are a normal couple;
6. People not caring that you order hard liquor drinks before 10 am and are intoxicated by 12.
To honor Melissa's birthday tomorrow, I am writing a recap of the interesting parts of the trip.
Until then, Mahalo!
1. People openly drinking 60 ounce margaritas in the street;
2. Normal girls dressing exactly like hookers;
3. Hookers wearing $25,000 rings;
4. 2 young girls sitting on a man's lap in an expensive hotel, grinding away, then getting up and asking to join them outside to smoke. As they walk, one turns and asks the man his name;
5. A man and woman on the elevator, the woman clearly a prostitute, the morning after she did God know what for a few dollars exchanging pleasantries like they are a normal couple;
6. People not caring that you order hard liquor drinks before 10 am and are intoxicated by 12.
To honor Melissa's birthday tomorrow, I am writing a recap of the interesting parts of the trip.
Until then, Mahalo!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Reader Mail
Believe it or not, I actually do get random questions/criticisms/suggestions from dear readers, such as yourself. I figured on the eve of the anniversary of the blog I should take some time to answer them.
These are real questions by real readers. Except for the ones I made up.
Q: Will you please stop writing about stuff I say/do? Everyone that reads the blog will think I am a shrew of a wife.
Jessica L., Edmond, OK
A: Your request has been considered and denied. It's funny. Plus no one who reads this doesn't know us in real life, so they are fully aware that I am ridiculous and not to be trusted to accurately recount events.
Q: Seriously, what's the big deal with Carolla. He's not funny. He has failed spectacularly in TV and film. You should stop listening to him for hours each day, which I am sure will greatly improve the quality of your life.
Steve M., Syracuse, NY
A: False. Carolla is hilarious and a true comedy genius. Steve, it's not my fault you have no sense of humor. It's your life, so if you want to go through it like a giant humorless doucher, I can't stop you. Do me a favor, watch this. If you still think Carolla's not funny then we are at an impasse. I'll go to the right and you'll go left with the Nickelback fans.
Q: I get it, you like Journey. You do realize that music has come out since 1988. Please link to some other videos.
Lawrence B., Tulsa, OK
A: Sure thing Larry. Enjoy.
Larry, we obviously can't be friends. If you don't enjoy Journey videos for both the music and the unintentional comedy, we'll never see eye to eye. The above video features a mustachioed Steve Perry singing his heart out while out rambling on the road. Then shaving his mustache and sweating like a demon to show how much he misses her. Plus you get the added comedy of the bassist (who is the breakout star of the Separate Ways video) looking forlorn into the mirror, where his jazzercise girlfriend's photo hangs, as he pretends to play.
Q: My girlfriend isn't a fan of Ace either. How can I turn her around?
Phillip R., River Bend, OR
A: Phil, I'm probably not the right man to ask, since I can't even convince my wife to listen to or watch any Carolla related content. Any success I have had in making Jess enjoy Carolla had to come through trickery, such as relating a funny rant or opinion without the source. After she laughs, I tell her it was Ace and she feels ashamed for laughing. Another more sinister plan would be to get her a dog and name him Ace. She'll love the dog and eventually there will be some transference and she will start liking Ace more.
Make sure you check back for the Aceiversary Blog and the rest of reader mail.
Until next time, enjoy a non-Journey video. Mahalo!
These are real questions by real readers. Except for the ones I made up.
Q: Will you please stop writing about stuff I say/do? Everyone that reads the blog will think I am a shrew of a wife.
Jessica L., Edmond, OK
A: Your request has been considered and denied. It's funny. Plus no one who reads this doesn't know us in real life, so they are fully aware that I am ridiculous and not to be trusted to accurately recount events.
Q: Seriously, what's the big deal with Carolla. He's not funny. He has failed spectacularly in TV and film. You should stop listening to him for hours each day, which I am sure will greatly improve the quality of your life.
Steve M., Syracuse, NY
A: False. Carolla is hilarious and a true comedy genius. Steve, it's not my fault you have no sense of humor. It's your life, so if you want to go through it like a giant humorless doucher, I can't stop you. Do me a favor, watch this. If you still think Carolla's not funny then we are at an impasse. I'll go to the right and you'll go left with the Nickelback fans.
Q: I get it, you like Journey. You do realize that music has come out since 1988. Please link to some other videos.
Lawrence B., Tulsa, OK
A: Sure thing Larry. Enjoy.
Larry, we obviously can't be friends. If you don't enjoy Journey videos for both the music and the unintentional comedy, we'll never see eye to eye. The above video features a mustachioed Steve Perry singing his heart out while out rambling on the road. Then shaving his mustache and sweating like a demon to show how much he misses her. Plus you get the added comedy of the bassist (who is the breakout star of the Separate Ways video) looking forlorn into the mirror, where his jazzercise girlfriend's photo hangs, as he pretends to play.
Q: My girlfriend isn't a fan of Ace either. How can I turn her around?
Phillip R., River Bend, OR
A: Phil, I'm probably not the right man to ask, since I can't even convince my wife to listen to or watch any Carolla related content. Any success I have had in making Jess enjoy Carolla had to come through trickery, such as relating a funny rant or opinion without the source. After she laughs, I tell her it was Ace and she feels ashamed for laughing. Another more sinister plan would be to get her a dog and name him Ace. She'll love the dog and eventually there will be some transference and she will start liking Ace more.
Make sure you check back for the Aceiversary Blog and the rest of reader mail.
Until next time, enjoy a non-Journey video. Mahalo!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Jessica's Olympic Thoughts
Jessica has been in rare form the past couple days with her Olympics commentary. It must be shared:
1. She decided that the ski jump looks easy and is probably something she can do. She was not joking. I tried to explain that I doubt she could even keep her skis straight in the grooves to make it to the jump, let alone do that successfully then jump 300 feet. She would most likely end up like this. Then I would have to reenact the male version of this song. (I think it is an amazing song but super sad when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about. I enjoy this particular clip since he is joking around beforehand, then sings a song about a dead guy's bride to be having to trade her wedding dress for a funeral dress)
2. She declared that being held in the air by a male figure skating partner would be simple. Again, I tried to reason with her that staying perfectly balanced and still, while being hoisted by a small man would be difficult. She maintains that part of it is easy and she could have been a good pairs skater if that is all she had to do. She would cut someone's ear off with a skate during her first practice run.
3. That a Russian figure skater looked tough and would not "be the type of guy you would want to see in a dark alley." The skater is this guy. Process that for a moment. I can't imagine I would do anything other than laugh if I saw this guy trying to mug me. When I pointed out the absurdity of her statement, she did relent and say that once he started skating he didn't look that tough.
4. Lastly, that a male figure skater had to be straight based on the way he moved his hips at the beginning of a routine. She said that he moved his hips like I do when I try to dance and that no gay man would move that way. She may have a valid point with that one.
I on the other hand understand that the only Winter Olympic event I could ever do would be throwing the stone in curling. I couldn't even be one of the sweepers since I would certainly fall down trying to sweep that fast.
I am really looking forward to another week and a half of these comments. ACG, tell Canada to get it's act together so we can see some skiing.
Next post, I am going to answer some reader mail, so please send along any questions you may have. Until then, Mahalo!
1. She decided that the ski jump looks easy and is probably something she can do. She was not joking. I tried to explain that I doubt she could even keep her skis straight in the grooves to make it to the jump, let alone do that successfully then jump 300 feet. She would most likely end up like this. Then I would have to reenact the male version of this song. (I think it is an amazing song but super sad when I finally figured out what the heck he was talking about. I enjoy this particular clip since he is joking around beforehand, then sings a song about a dead guy's bride to be having to trade her wedding dress for a funeral dress)
2. She declared that being held in the air by a male figure skating partner would be simple. Again, I tried to reason with her that staying perfectly balanced and still, while being hoisted by a small man would be difficult. She maintains that part of it is easy and she could have been a good pairs skater if that is all she had to do. She would cut someone's ear off with a skate during her first practice run.
3. That a Russian figure skater looked tough and would not "be the type of guy you would want to see in a dark alley." The skater is this guy. Process that for a moment. I can't imagine I would do anything other than laugh if I saw this guy trying to mug me. When I pointed out the absurdity of her statement, she did relent and say that once he started skating he didn't look that tough.
4. Lastly, that a male figure skater had to be straight based on the way he moved his hips at the beginning of a routine. She said that he moved his hips like I do when I try to dance and that no gay man would move that way. She may have a valid point with that one.
I on the other hand understand that the only Winter Olympic event I could ever do would be throwing the stone in curling. I couldn't even be one of the sweepers since I would certainly fall down trying to sweep that fast.
I am really looking forward to another week and a half of these comments. ACG, tell Canada to get it's act together so we can see some skiing.
Next post, I am going to answer some reader mail, so please send along any questions you may have. Until then, Mahalo!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
How to be a hit at your Super Bowl party
This is usually a space used exclusively for wasteful and ultimately fruitless thoughts on subjects only interesting to me. Well today things change. Today I am going to give all of you a surefire way to be a hit at your upcoming Super Bowl party. The Super Bowl is the one time of year that everyone watches football, whether you are interested in the game or not. So inevitably the party is divided amongst people interested in football, people interested in commercials and people interested in getting really drunk. If people are allowed to stay in their desired camp and not interact, the party is no fun. The key is to get everyone involved. Now, you are asking, "How can I unite such divergent groups?" Simple; The magic of gambling.
I have seen this strategy work firsthand. I am married to a woman who has 0 interest in professional football. The week before our first Super Bowl together I told her stories about being in Vegas for the Super Bowl the year before and all the crazy bets they have in the sports books. Intrigued, she asked what stuff you could bet on. I went through the list: heads/tails on the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, what the first penalty will be, how many Bud Light commercials will be shown, etc. I didn't even have to break out the various cross sport bets available, such as Kobe Bryant points v. pass attempts for a QB and she was hooked. Our system is based upon imaginary dollars, say $1,000, which you can bet in any combination on the various bets. Jess and I had a dinner bet our first year, which see easily won. But it really was a win/win, since she didn't complain about me watching football, because she was really concerned with the number of eTrade commercials and if there was going to be a punt return touchdown. I have never seen her so invested in televised sports that didn't involve OU losing BCS games.
We went to a Super Bowl party at co-worker Amy's house last year and I introduced gambling to the party. It was a bigger hit than my actual presence. There was a legitimately tense moment prior to kick off because our friend Katie had put a huge bet on Sully doing the coin toss. So when he came out, the room exploded and Katie was sitting pretty to win big. At co-worker Amy's, the bets were all between significant other/spouses, but it works really well in a group setting. I would suggest having everyone throw in 10 bucks, use the imaginary money system, then highest score takes the pool. Can you imagine 20 people having a stake in whether the first penalty is pass interference or holding and whether Kim Kardashian is shown more than 3 and 1/2 times during the telecast? All attendees will pay attention the whole time. That is the beauty of the Super Bowl bets, nothing is off limits. Anything you can think of has odds, or some savvy gambler in your group can create odds for it. Plus, there will probably be someone at the party (ahem, a guy like me) with money on the game who will be open to making some side bets during the game to hedge his losses if things start going poorly. Find that poor sap (again, me) and take advantage of his love of gambling. Or if you are that gambler, find the guy that who is there solely to get really drunk. You should already have a bet on the number of beers he will drink (o/u 10.5; take the over), sit next to him, keep a beer in his hand to insure you win the over and then convince him to make crazy bets and take his money. Sure, that's probably an underhanded move, but gambling is a jungle and you have to make your money where you can.
If anyone is interested I have already created this year's spreadsheet of bets and will happily send it to you so you can impress your friends. My personal favorite bet is about the number of Peyton Manning commercials v. number of times Kim Kardashian is shown on camera. I am leaning toward Peyton crushing Kardashian, but if Reggie Bush does something spectacular, they will show her. Good luck with your wagers.
Until next time, Mahalo.
I have seen this strategy work firsthand. I am married to a woman who has 0 interest in professional football. The week before our first Super Bowl together I told her stories about being in Vegas for the Super Bowl the year before and all the crazy bets they have in the sports books. Intrigued, she asked what stuff you could bet on. I went through the list: heads/tails on the coin toss, the length of the national anthem, what the first penalty will be, how many Bud Light commercials will be shown, etc. I didn't even have to break out the various cross sport bets available, such as Kobe Bryant points v. pass attempts for a QB and she was hooked. Our system is based upon imaginary dollars, say $1,000, which you can bet in any combination on the various bets. Jess and I had a dinner bet our first year, which see easily won. But it really was a win/win, since she didn't complain about me watching football, because she was really concerned with the number of eTrade commercials and if there was going to be a punt return touchdown. I have never seen her so invested in televised sports that didn't involve OU losing BCS games.
We went to a Super Bowl party at co-worker Amy's house last year and I introduced gambling to the party. It was a bigger hit than my actual presence. There was a legitimately tense moment prior to kick off because our friend Katie had put a huge bet on Sully doing the coin toss. So when he came out, the room exploded and Katie was sitting pretty to win big. At co-worker Amy's, the bets were all between significant other/spouses, but it works really well in a group setting. I would suggest having everyone throw in 10 bucks, use the imaginary money system, then highest score takes the pool. Can you imagine 20 people having a stake in whether the first penalty is pass interference or holding and whether Kim Kardashian is shown more than 3 and 1/2 times during the telecast? All attendees will pay attention the whole time. That is the beauty of the Super Bowl bets, nothing is off limits. Anything you can think of has odds, or some savvy gambler in your group can create odds for it. Plus, there will probably be someone at the party (ahem, a guy like me) with money on the game who will be open to making some side bets during the game to hedge his losses if things start going poorly. Find that poor sap (again, me) and take advantage of his love of gambling. Or if you are that gambler, find the guy that who is there solely to get really drunk. You should already have a bet on the number of beers he will drink (o/u 10.5; take the over), sit next to him, keep a beer in his hand to insure you win the over and then convince him to make crazy bets and take his money. Sure, that's probably an underhanded move, but gambling is a jungle and you have to make your money where you can.
If anyone is interested I have already created this year's spreadsheet of bets and will happily send it to you so you can impress your friends. My personal favorite bet is about the number of Peyton Manning commercials v. number of times Kim Kardashian is shown on camera. I am leaning toward Peyton crushing Kardashian, but if Reggie Bush does something spectacular, they will show her. Good luck with your wagers.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Ace's Mistake
This whole Leno/Conan thing has been such a disaster for Leno. He has screwed up in every possible way and handled the situation with such an absence of class that I am not sure how he recovers. Most right thinking people are firmly on Team Conan. Except Ace. For some reason he is still on Leno's side in this mess. I suspect it is because Leno has let Ace appear on his show numerous times. While I agree that allowing Ace more TV time was a great decision, I cannot agree with how Leno has handled himself. The most embarrassing moment in the whole saga for Leno has been how Jimmy Kimmel has just destroyed him. First he took him down on his own show. Most recently he used 5 minutes of his monologue to call Leno out again. Kimmel's points are valid. He acknowledged that he had to talk about the situation or he himself seems like an ass and he expected that Leno would engage in some back and forth. Kimmel's worst indictment was commenting that he expected Leno would not just read off the cue cards and that he used to be a comedian.
Maybe Leno and Kimmel going back and forth will finally snap Ace to his senses since there is no way Ace would go against Kimmel. At least I hope Ace doesn't go against Kimmel. If Ace turns against Kimmel, it would be the equivalent of Turk & JD or Stockton & Malone breaking up. I am not sure I could handle them separating and it may cause me to rethink my whole position on Ace. I'm sure me talking about Ace less will delight Jessica to no end, so let's hope order is maintained and Ace turns against Leno.
I was thinking about something else today. The advent of Facebook has allowed me to re-connect with old friends, which is a good thing. This allows me to see not only what someone does for a living but also how they look. It delights me to no end to see girls that thought they were hot stuff in high school look like holy hell now. If they are also marginally employed, even better. Am I alone on that? I'm sure it makes me a terrible person. The only thing that makes me happier is when there is a really nice girl who was not cute in high school that turned out pretty. I think it is proof that karma is real. And I am not talking about Karma in Seaside Heights. Unfortunately, we all know that is very real and very terrible.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Maybe Leno and Kimmel going back and forth will finally snap Ace to his senses since there is no way Ace would go against Kimmel. At least I hope Ace doesn't go against Kimmel. If Ace turns against Kimmel, it would be the equivalent of Turk & JD or Stockton & Malone breaking up. I am not sure I could handle them separating and it may cause me to rethink my whole position on Ace. I'm sure me talking about Ace less will delight Jessica to no end, so let's hope order is maintained and Ace turns against Leno.
I was thinking about something else today. The advent of Facebook has allowed me to re-connect with old friends, which is a good thing. This allows me to see not only what someone does for a living but also how they look. It delights me to no end to see girls that thought they were hot stuff in high school look like holy hell now. If they are also marginally employed, even better. Am I alone on that? I'm sure it makes me a terrible person. The only thing that makes me happier is when there is a really nice girl who was not cute in high school that turned out pretty. I think it is proof that karma is real. And I am not talking about Karma in Seaside Heights. Unfortunately, we all know that is very real and very terrible.
Until next time, Mahalo.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Google Ads problems
It seems that Google Ads must be confused since it has recently been featuring "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" ads at the bottom of my posts. I wouldn't mind these ads if you douchers clicked on them so I could make 2 cents. But if I am not profiting from ads for a horrible movie, I must object.
The only explanation for the ads must be my previous posts about the movie. I guess Google Ads doesn't pick up all content since I wrote that the movie was epically terrible and painfully unfunny. It's not even so bad it's funny like Fire Birds. It's just bad. You would figure with all the times I have talked about Carolla, I would have some ads featuring him or Journey.
This whole thing makes me as mad as the new McDonald's commercial with the guy that tells people not to talk to him until he has had his coffee. I promise you that if someone said something that stupid to me in real life I would punch them without hesitation. If someone was then foolhardy enough to ask, "Why did you hit me? I was just keeping it real," I would punch them even harder for being super lame. If the second punch didn't send a clear enough message and this fool then said, "Was me telling you not to speak until I have had my coffee TMI?," I would probably commit a homicide. So, let's all get on the same page and help me avoid being incarcerated for assaulting caffeine deprived individuals on the street.
I am working on a new post that will discuss a shake up in my Carolla world: Ace has sided with Leno. Shameful!
Until then, enjoy this video of Aziz Ansari's comedy. I enjoy Aziz's comedy on a different level since he looks exactly like my friend Jordan. Not sure why that cracks me up, but it does.
The only explanation for the ads must be my previous posts about the movie. I guess Google Ads doesn't pick up all content since I wrote that the movie was epically terrible and painfully unfunny. It's not even so bad it's funny like Fire Birds. It's just bad. You would figure with all the times I have talked about Carolla, I would have some ads featuring him or Journey.
This whole thing makes me as mad as the new McDonald's commercial with the guy that tells people not to talk to him until he has had his coffee. I promise you that if someone said something that stupid to me in real life I would punch them without hesitation. If someone was then foolhardy enough to ask, "Why did you hit me? I was just keeping it real," I would punch them even harder for being super lame. If the second punch didn't send a clear enough message and this fool then said, "Was me telling you not to speak until I have had my coffee TMI?," I would probably commit a homicide. So, let's all get on the same page and help me avoid being incarcerated for assaulting caffeine deprived individuals on the street.
I am working on a new post that will discuss a shake up in my Carolla world: Ace has sided with Leno. Shameful!
Until then, enjoy this video of Aziz Ansari's comedy. I enjoy Aziz's comedy on a different level since he looks exactly like my friend Jordan. Not sure why that cracks me up, but it does.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Blame Jonathan!
Today I need to take a moment to honor the person most responsible (or to blame, depending on your views of my writing) for this blog, my brother Jonathan. It was Jonathan's Carolla stories that got me hooked on the radio show, leading to my inability to carry on a simple conversation without mentioning Carolla. That inability led to the increasing tension with Jessica, which became this bet and blog.
Since it's Jon's birthday, he gets a special blog post (no worries Melissa, you'll get one too). Does anyone else remember those knock off colognes that said things like: "If you like Drakkar Noir, you'll love Dark Nights." That is how I feel about Jon. If you like me, you'll love Jon since he is better than me in every appreciable way: he's funnier, more handsome, smarter, more athletic, doesn't write unreadable blogs, enjoys music videos by bands other than Journey, etc, etc. I hope that isn't too much of a backhanded compliment, using an analogy about bad cologne in regard to my brother. I just always enjoyed that phrase. (As an aside, it's not like Drakkar even smelled good or was so prohibitively expensive that buying a knock off was necessary; it's not exactly like wanting an expensive watch and buying the knock off version).
It is pretty cool for me to look back at my life and realize that so many of my favorite memories involve my brother. We saw Michael Jordan from 10 feet away together, would eat unreasonable amounts of chicken planks from LJS, then go to the $1 movies, saw great concerts and recently had an amazing Vegas trip. I'm blessed to have a great brother. As the older brother, I never figured that my younger brother would have such an impact on my personality, but he did. Before you blame him for my shortcomings, realize I would be so much more unreasonable if not for him. His influence has kept me tolerable for society. Happy Birthday brother. As a special treat, here you go: 1 and 2.
Special shout outs:
1. To my favorite anonymous Canadian reader: Congrats on the job. I hope it's something enjoyable and inspiring. And that they don't block this site so you can read this at work.
2. Everyone needs to visit Got to get it ON! It's a website chronicling Carolla's appearances and related material. The guy that runs it is truly doing the Lord's work. Plus there is a game on the site that allows you (as Carolla) to box Donny, his assistant. While it is not as challenging as hitting Tiger's mistresses with golf balls from various distances, it's always enjoyable to punch a hippie.
3. Lastly, to my exceeding gracious and understanding bride. She puts up with more than any woman should endure, from my ridiculous theories, minor occurrences that lead to 10 minute rants and a never ending string of songs that I make her listen to in order to guess the 10 second segment of the song that makes it amazing. She's gotten really good at figuring those out. If you want to play the at home version, here's a song: Which segment is the kind of song Gregg would write if he could write songs?
As always, thanks for reading. Until next time, Mahalo!
Since it's Jon's birthday, he gets a special blog post (no worries Melissa, you'll get one too). Does anyone else remember those knock off colognes that said things like: "If you like Drakkar Noir, you'll love Dark Nights." That is how I feel about Jon. If you like me, you'll love Jon since he is better than me in every appreciable way: he's funnier, more handsome, smarter, more athletic, doesn't write unreadable blogs, enjoys music videos by bands other than Journey, etc, etc. I hope that isn't too much of a backhanded compliment, using an analogy about bad cologne in regard to my brother. I just always enjoyed that phrase. (As an aside, it's not like Drakkar even smelled good or was so prohibitively expensive that buying a knock off was necessary; it's not exactly like wanting an expensive watch and buying the knock off version).
It is pretty cool for me to look back at my life and realize that so many of my favorite memories involve my brother. We saw Michael Jordan from 10 feet away together, would eat unreasonable amounts of chicken planks from LJS, then go to the $1 movies, saw great concerts and recently had an amazing Vegas trip. I'm blessed to have a great brother. As the older brother, I never figured that my younger brother would have such an impact on my personality, but he did. Before you blame him for my shortcomings, realize I would be so much more unreasonable if not for him. His influence has kept me tolerable for society. Happy Birthday brother. As a special treat, here you go: 1 and 2.
Special shout outs:
1. To my favorite anonymous Canadian reader: Congrats on the job. I hope it's something enjoyable and inspiring. And that they don't block this site so you can read this at work.
2. Everyone needs to visit Got to get it ON! It's a website chronicling Carolla's appearances and related material. The guy that runs it is truly doing the Lord's work. Plus there is a game on the site that allows you (as Carolla) to box Donny, his assistant. While it is not as challenging as hitting Tiger's mistresses with golf balls from various distances, it's always enjoyable to punch a hippie.
3. Lastly, to my exceeding gracious and understanding bride. She puts up with more than any woman should endure, from my ridiculous theories, minor occurrences that lead to 10 minute rants and a never ending string of songs that I make her listen to in order to guess the 10 second segment of the song that makes it amazing. She's gotten really good at figuring those out. If you want to play the at home version, here's a song: Which segment is the kind of song Gregg would write if he could write songs?
As always, thanks for reading. Until next time, Mahalo!
Friday, January 15, 2010
This is how rich I would be
After spending even more time thinking about the ability to call my past self, I started to wonder how much money I could have made. I figure the most money I could muster at 15 would be 100 bucks, but the bigger problem would be finding a degenerate to place the bet for me. I also had to make some assumptions on odds since I couldn't find historical odds. Based on current odds for 2010, I estimate that the average eventual champion would be about 8-1 at the beginning of the year. So assuming that I could find a gambling fiend to place my bets while still underage, here's the payout:
1994: $100 bet at 8-1 = $900 (800 from the bet, plus the original 100 I bet); pay degenerate $100, save 300 since I may not fully trust my future self yet.
1995: $500 at 8-1 = 4500; pay degenerate 200; save 1000 (1300 total)
1996: $3000 at 8-1 = $27,000; pay degenerate 500; save 6500 (8800 total)
1997: $20,000 at 8-1 = $180,000; pay degenerate 5000; save 25,000 (33,800 total)
1998: $150,000 at 8-1 = 1,350,000; no longer pay degenerate since I am of legal age to bet; save 550,000 (583,800 total, which is now in a money market earning interest to pay my living expenses)
1999: 800,000 at 8-1 = 6,400,000; save 4.4 million;
at this point, I am not sure if a casino will allow you to book a bet for more than 1 million, so 2000-2004 is as follows:
2000-2004: 1,000,000 at 8-1= 9,000,000; save 8 million for google fund;
So in 2004 when Google IPO's I have 40 million to invest at the price of $85, which equals 470,000 shares. Let's say I am a coward and sell when it hits 600, I would now have 282 Million from google, plus a guaranteed 9 million until 2009 from the hoops bets. I'm pretty sure I could live comfortably on that.
At that point I would have no need to gamble anymore. So if someone out there can bend the laws of time and physics let me know. We could be really rich.
1994: $100 bet at 8-1 = $900 (800 from the bet, plus the original 100 I bet); pay degenerate $100, save 300 since I may not fully trust my future self yet.
1995: $500 at 8-1 = 4500; pay degenerate 200; save 1000 (1300 total)
1996: $3000 at 8-1 = $27,000; pay degenerate 500; save 6500 (8800 total)
1997: $20,000 at 8-1 = $180,000; pay degenerate 5000; save 25,000 (33,800 total)
1998: $150,000 at 8-1 = 1,350,000; no longer pay degenerate since I am of legal age to bet; save 550,000 (583,800 total, which is now in a money market earning interest to pay my living expenses)
1999: 800,000 at 8-1 = 6,400,000; save 4.4 million;
at this point, I am not sure if a casino will allow you to book a bet for more than 1 million, so 2000-2004 is as follows:
2000-2004: 1,000,000 at 8-1= 9,000,000; save 8 million for google fund;
So in 2004 when Google IPO's I have 40 million to invest at the price of $85, which equals 470,000 shares. Let's say I am a coward and sell when it hits 600, I would now have 282 Million from google, plus a guaranteed 9 million until 2009 from the hoops bets. I'm pretty sure I could live comfortably on that.
At that point I would have no need to gamble anymore. So if someone out there can bend the laws of time and physics let me know. We could be really rich.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Time Machines
For some reason I have been thinking about time travel a lot lately. It could be because of my DeLorean key chain. But I think the real reason is that I read a Chuck Klosterman essay where he talked about time machines. The most interesting part to me was Chuck talking about the possibility of a telephone to the past where you could talk to your past self for 15 seconds. I have been thinking about what I would say to my 15 year old self if given 15 seconds. Here goes:
Present Gregg: Gregg, this is future you. Write this down...
Past Gregg: I'm confused, if you are from the future, then this already happened and I don't remember it, so it didn't really happen. And if this call really did happen, then it doesn't matter what I do, since it is already done. If this was really me in the future, I've probably seen Back to the Future Part II 30 times by now and know you are going to give me sports results like Biff.
Present Gregg: Shut up. we're running out of time...
On second thought, revised plan:
Present Gregg: Gregg, this is future you, be quiet and write this down:
Men's Hoops, start in 94 Arkansas, UCLA, Kentucky, Zona, Kentucky, UConn, Mich State, Duke, Maryland, Cuse, Uconn, UNC, Florida twice, KU, UNC. Bet big. Invest in Google, huge.
And your wife is hot.
To me this seems like the perfect information to give my past self. I give myself sure fire winners so I can make some money, while simultaneously letting my future self know that my future wife is hot. That way, I can live my life unencoumbered by concerns about my future since I already know I'm rich with a hot wife. That's a Michael Scott Win/Win/Win situation.
Present Gregg: Gregg, this is future you. Write this down...
Past Gregg: I'm confused, if you are from the future, then this already happened and I don't remember it, so it didn't really happen. And if this call really did happen, then it doesn't matter what I do, since it is already done. If this was really me in the future, I've probably seen Back to the Future Part II 30 times by now and know you are going to give me sports results like Biff.
Present Gregg: Shut up. we're running out of time...
On second thought, revised plan:
Present Gregg: Gregg, this is future you, be quiet and write this down:
Men's Hoops, start in 94 Arkansas, UCLA, Kentucky, Zona, Kentucky, UConn, Mich State, Duke, Maryland, Cuse, Uconn, UNC, Florida twice, KU, UNC. Bet big. Invest in Google, huge.
And your wife is hot.
To me this seems like the perfect information to give my past self. I give myself sure fire winners so I can make some money, while simultaneously letting my future self know that my future wife is hot. That way, I can live my life unencoumbered by concerns about my future since I already know I'm rich with a hot wife. That's a Michael Scott Win/Win/Win situation.
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