Am I the only one that can't stand the condescending Starbucks baristas? Now any faithful reader will certainly questions whether or not this is a faithful representation of what happened given my tendancy to exagerrate, but I promise it is a close as I can remember.
Scene: Gregg pulls into drive thru at Starbucks:
Starbucks Smug Ass Employee (SSAE): Goooood Mooorningggg, and welcome to Starbucks on this finnnne morning. Can I get you a (something that sounded gross and I wasn't paying attention) started?
G: No thanks, I'll just have (the drink I ordered; some things must remain private).
SSAE: Cannn I offer you an extra shot of espresso in that to put in extra pep in your step this mooorningggg?
G: No thanks.
SSAE: Wellll, unless I can offer you something to eat, your total is $4.74, I'll seee you at the window. (and mind you all of this is dripping with sarcasm to the point that I feel uncomfortable as a customer).
Are all of them like this? Is there a corporate mandate to be assey to customers? Either way, not a fan. If I'm paying five bucks for my coffee, I just want the coffee. I don't need the guy making me feel like a jerk or trying to amuse himself with all his other buddies in the store. Plus every single jerky in there has the most obvious and played out "personalities." Yeah, real edgy and cool to have the exact same tattoo, haircut and piercings as all the other douchers you work with. Stop trying to cultivate a personality and pour my drink.
Enough ranting about Starbucks, on to some good stuff. None other than David Cross was on Ace's podcast. As we've covered in previous installments, Jessica hates David Cross. Jessica's taste in comedy is the only thing wrong with her. She was making fun of me the other day for my love of the movie "The Cable Guy." I don't care what anyone says, it's hilarious. Any movie where Matt Broderick tries to play a straight guy is the highest of comedy. Jess also can't remember any details of the Big Lebowski (thus never laughs when I tell her she is out of her element or that fill in the blank isn't Nam, there are rules), doesn't laugh at Fletch and can't comprehend why I think Monty Python and The Holy Grail is the funniest movie ever. So yeah, her taste in comedy is not to be trusted.
The best part of the Cross podcast was Ace ranting about LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (born Antonio Ramon Villar, Jr.). Any Ace fan knows that Ace hates Villaraigosa and constantly refers to him as Villa-Retardo. Ace covered his usual reasons for why he hates Villaraigosa including that he combined his last name with his wife's, his terrible legislation and his predilection for humping Telemundo reporters that aren't his wife. The humping Telemundo reporters is always my favorite. But today he brought up something I didn't know before. Villa-Retardo also attended an unaccredited law school in California and failed the bar 4 times. It is embarrasing that the mayor of the second biggest city in the US couldn't pass the bar, even after 4 attempts. I guess he gave up his quest after 4. Just for comedy's sake he should go for No. 5. They can run TV ads encouraging him and everything. David Cross was legitimately horrified by his failing 4 times and wondered why they let you take the test that many times and suggested that after 3 failures they just hand you a DMV job application. Ace took it one hilarious step further and suggested the test proctor comes over to you after your 3rd failure, breaks your No. 2 pencil across his knee, then sends you on the walk of shame out of the room. I really like that plan. I will admit that the bar passage rate in California is only 50%, but good night, after 4 times you should figure it out. My sister Melissa helped me and my sister study for the bar and I'm confident if you gave her another week of study she could pass and she didn't go to law school.
Since I haven't included any links yet, here you go: And no worries, it's not a Journey video this time.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Overload
Today is too much for me. Dr. Drew on with Ace and the NBA draft. It's all too much. I'm pretty sure this whole entry will devolve into nonsense.
The best part of Ace and Drew was an unfortunate topic. They decided to discuss Donny (Ace's engineer) and his masturbation habits. It was fairly terrible but hilarious at the same time. It's always enjoyable to hear Drew remind Ace of his statement that sex is ok, but not as good as the real thing (masturbation). That's hilarious.
Now some draft talk:
I'm depressed over OKC's pick. I'm not sure I want a guy in a bow tie with the 3rd pick. I'm a little disappointed with the suits this year. Seems like an awful lot of guys visited Men's Warehouse for the $99 special and look like salespeople. I demand my NBA draft picks wear absurd pinstripes, shiny fabric and giant chains. This looking like working class 45 year olds is garbage.
I wish I was clever enough for a live blog since they just showed Larry Bird on TV and I got all fired up. I just got even more fired up since Larry picked my boy Tyler Hansbrough. My head is spinning, both because of the pick and the beer I've been drinking.
In addition to Drew and the Draft, today I spent the smartest 42.99 of my life. I bought all 4 seasons of The State. I am absolutely delighted. The State was the funniest show on TV and I cannot understand why more people didn't watch. Apparently millions of people watch According to Jim and no one remembers The State. That makes me want to move to the Lost island. Simply compare the first results on Youtube and tell me which is better:
Jim
or
The State
That matchup is as one sided as the Globetrotters v. Generals. I am going to have to petition Barry for a cabinet spot to be the commissioner of taste for America. First order of business, all of William Fitzsimmons cd's, the complete series of Arrested Development and this will be shipped to all houses. I'm pretty sure the economy would turn around in hours.
It's probably time to end this post. It's terrible even compared to my usual low standards. Until next time, Mahalo.
The best part of Ace and Drew was an unfortunate topic. They decided to discuss Donny (Ace's engineer) and his masturbation habits. It was fairly terrible but hilarious at the same time. It's always enjoyable to hear Drew remind Ace of his statement that sex is ok, but not as good as the real thing (masturbation). That's hilarious.
Now some draft talk:
I'm depressed over OKC's pick. I'm not sure I want a guy in a bow tie with the 3rd pick. I'm a little disappointed with the suits this year. Seems like an awful lot of guys visited Men's Warehouse for the $99 special and look like salespeople. I demand my NBA draft picks wear absurd pinstripes, shiny fabric and giant chains. This looking like working class 45 year olds is garbage.
I wish I was clever enough for a live blog since they just showed Larry Bird on TV and I got all fired up. I just got even more fired up since Larry picked my boy Tyler Hansbrough. My head is spinning, both because of the pick and the beer I've been drinking.
In addition to Drew and the Draft, today I spent the smartest 42.99 of my life. I bought all 4 seasons of The State. I am absolutely delighted. The State was the funniest show on TV and I cannot understand why more people didn't watch. Apparently millions of people watch According to Jim and no one remembers The State. That makes me want to move to the Lost island. Simply compare the first results on Youtube and tell me which is better:
Jim
or
The State
That matchup is as one sided as the Globetrotters v. Generals. I am going to have to petition Barry for a cabinet spot to be the commissioner of taste for America. First order of business, all of William Fitzsimmons cd's, the complete series of Arrested Development and this will be shipped to all houses. I'm pretty sure the economy would turn around in hours.
It's probably time to end this post. It's terrible even compared to my usual low standards. Until next time, Mahalo.
Monday, June 22, 2009
$1000 will soon be mine
I have really started thinking about what I should buy with the $1000. I have a few thoughts and need your help to decide.
Before we get to that, have you all seen the most recent comment? Someone claimed to have been part of the most amazing video ever. He also said they are in fact brothers. To up the ante, their dad is also part of it. Simply unbelievable. I really hope he isn't playing with my emotions. I cannot overstate how excited I am about this. I finally may get the answers to all my questions. I have a new question: it says that the video won 2nd place at a film festival. My question is what in the hell was better? Anything short of this video beating it is just completely unreasonable. And if it is all some cruel ploy on the part of some reader, just know it made my day anyway.
Ace had Joel McHale on today along with a celebrity BBQ specialist. As a protest I am not going to use any of the great techniques they talked about until Jessica admits that she loves Carolla. Until then, she will be missing out on some great BBQ.
Ace also had Ken Jeong on last week, who is better known as the "Naked Asian Guy" from The Hangover or the guy in the spandex unitard in "What's It Gonna Be.".(Language is not safe for my mother). He was hilarious. He revealed that he is an actual doctor as well. I started thinking about what would happen if his acting career fails and he has to go back to being a doctor, how strange would it be to have him as your doctor? I don't think I could take him seriously since I would be thinking about the scene in The Hangover when he jumps out of the car nude. The nude scene was his decision which was a bold choice considering his small penis. The best part of the discussion was Ace's questions to Ken: Did you consider chubbing up prior to the shot? That's a great question. I don't know why Ken wouldn't. If I knew I was going to be nude on screen, I would certainly make sure I could be proud of my performance. If you haven't seen the movie, just know that Ken should not be proud. It also reminded me of one of my favorite Ace related father tips. He was talking about how every son eventually sees his father nude, so it is best for the father to prepare prior so he impresses his son. Ace thinks it is vitally important to portray a strong image to your son, and I concur. It also sends a message to your son that he won't get laughed at in the locker room as a youngster.
Now to the important stuff: Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watches. I have a few in mind should I win the bet.
Option 1;
Option 2;
Option 3; or
Option 4 (4 times over; you must click that link. It's hilarious. And if you don't think so, you dear reader are a doucher supreme).
I am thinking I need to make Jessica go shopping with me when I look at watches. I really want to see the look on her face as I try on watches that are more expensive than she is comfortable with. I am open to suggestions of other things that I should buy. Please let me know if you have good ideas.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Before we get to that, have you all seen the most recent comment? Someone claimed to have been part of the most amazing video ever. He also said they are in fact brothers. To up the ante, their dad is also part of it. Simply unbelievable. I really hope he isn't playing with my emotions. I cannot overstate how excited I am about this. I finally may get the answers to all my questions. I have a new question: it says that the video won 2nd place at a film festival. My question is what in the hell was better? Anything short of this video beating it is just completely unreasonable. And if it is all some cruel ploy on the part of some reader, just know it made my day anyway.
Ace had Joel McHale on today along with a celebrity BBQ specialist. As a protest I am not going to use any of the great techniques they talked about until Jessica admits that she loves Carolla. Until then, she will be missing out on some great BBQ.
Ace also had Ken Jeong on last week, who is better known as the "Naked Asian Guy" from The Hangover or the guy in the spandex unitard in "What's It Gonna Be.".(Language is not safe for my mother). He was hilarious. He revealed that he is an actual doctor as well. I started thinking about what would happen if his acting career fails and he has to go back to being a doctor, how strange would it be to have him as your doctor? I don't think I could take him seriously since I would be thinking about the scene in The Hangover when he jumps out of the car nude. The nude scene was his decision which was a bold choice considering his small penis. The best part of the discussion was Ace's questions to Ken: Did you consider chubbing up prior to the shot? That's a great question. I don't know why Ken wouldn't. If I knew I was going to be nude on screen, I would certainly make sure I could be proud of my performance. If you haven't seen the movie, just know that Ken should not be proud. It also reminded me of one of my favorite Ace related father tips. He was talking about how every son eventually sees his father nude, so it is best for the father to prepare prior so he impresses his son. Ace thinks it is vitally important to portray a strong image to your son, and I concur. It also sends a message to your son that he won't get laughed at in the locker room as a youngster.
Now to the important stuff: Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watches. I have a few in mind should I win the bet.
Option 1;
Option 2;
Option 3; or
Option 4 (4 times over; you must click that link. It's hilarious. And if you don't think so, you dear reader are a doucher supreme).
I am thinking I need to make Jessica go shopping with me when I look at watches. I really want to see the look on her face as I try on watches that are more expensive than she is comfortable with. I am open to suggestions of other things that I should buy. Please let me know if you have good ideas.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Journey Videos
I guess it is possible that some of you aren't obsessed with Journey like I am. While I find this insane, I will try to accommodate your odd tastes. But today is not that day. I think I have watched the shot for shot remake of Separate Ways at least 5 times today.
I have some thoughts while watching it yet again. First, wonderful job recreating the location. I can't imagine where they found a random warehouse with all the right elements. They didn't have enough random machinery at the 2:21 mark and there is no water at the 2:33 mark, but otherwise spot on. Also thier version of the 80's fox is not foxy at all. They could have done much better. Any shortcoming in the scenery are erased by the Steve Perry character's performance. He steals every scene he is in, especially at the 1:00 mark. And where in the hell did he get an exact replica shirt? I demand a follow up video explaining these questions.
Like almost anything amazing, over analysis leads to finding small flaws. There are two that stick out at me. The first is the facial hair of both the guitarist and drummer fall off at different times. It's almost like they only had enough tape for 1 take and had to play through it. However, if it was an artistic choice for comedy's sake, I applaud the move. Yet another reason why we need a follow up video. The other part that frustrates me is that it is the fake Steve Perry in bed at the end instead of the vaguely attractive 80's girl. Again, if it was a choice for comedy's sake, well done. I must imagine that it was because it wasn't like they couldn't have had un-foxy 80's fox come back for one more scene.
As I was watching it for the 3rd time today I had a thought about the guys: I think they all look very similar and wondered if they are 5 brothers. If they are, my mind is officially blown. They would be the coolest brothers of all time. (Edging out Frank and Sly Stallone, Don and Pat Swayze, Ozzie and Jose Canseco and Steve and Jean-Claude Van Damme). I always said I wanted to have 5 boys close in age so they could be their own basketball team. Now, I want to have 5 boys and force them to recreate Journey videos. It's a pretty great dream.
Carolla related news today. I was walking past the receptionist desk today and some girls were discussing their list of 5 celebrities they could have romantic relations with free of consequence (from that Friends episode). This topic came up once on Carolla and he suggested that you don't pick celebrities, but instead people that you actually run into with some frequency. His theory is that on the off chance that you actually met one of the celebrities there is no chance they would actually be into you. So, he says you should put the nanny, the Starbucks girl, etc on the list since that is far more likely. He also advocates putting generic categories, like Starbucks girl, and not proper names. I was eager to share Carolla's theory with the ladies, but was certain they would not be amused. I am also fairly confident that Jess would not find this funny. Good thing she doesn't read this anymore.
Until next time, Mahalo!
I have some thoughts while watching it yet again. First, wonderful job recreating the location. I can't imagine where they found a random warehouse with all the right elements. They didn't have enough random machinery at the 2:21 mark and there is no water at the 2:33 mark, but otherwise spot on. Also thier version of the 80's fox is not foxy at all. They could have done much better. Any shortcoming in the scenery are erased by the Steve Perry character's performance. He steals every scene he is in, especially at the 1:00 mark. And where in the hell did he get an exact replica shirt? I demand a follow up video explaining these questions.
Like almost anything amazing, over analysis leads to finding small flaws. There are two that stick out at me. The first is the facial hair of both the guitarist and drummer fall off at different times. It's almost like they only had enough tape for 1 take and had to play through it. However, if it was an artistic choice for comedy's sake, I applaud the move. Yet another reason why we need a follow up video. The other part that frustrates me is that it is the fake Steve Perry in bed at the end instead of the vaguely attractive 80's girl. Again, if it was a choice for comedy's sake, well done. I must imagine that it was because it wasn't like they couldn't have had un-foxy 80's fox come back for one more scene.
As I was watching it for the 3rd time today I had a thought about the guys: I think they all look very similar and wondered if they are 5 brothers. If they are, my mind is officially blown. They would be the coolest brothers of all time. (Edging out Frank and Sly Stallone, Don and Pat Swayze, Ozzie and Jose Canseco and Steve and Jean-Claude Van Damme). I always said I wanted to have 5 boys close in age so they could be their own basketball team. Now, I want to have 5 boys and force them to recreate Journey videos. It's a pretty great dream.
Carolla related news today. I was walking past the receptionist desk today and some girls were discussing their list of 5 celebrities they could have romantic relations with free of consequence (from that Friends episode). This topic came up once on Carolla and he suggested that you don't pick celebrities, but instead people that you actually run into with some frequency. His theory is that on the off chance that you actually met one of the celebrities there is no chance they would actually be into you. So, he says you should put the nanny, the Starbucks girl, etc on the list since that is far more likely. He also advocates putting generic categories, like Starbucks girl, and not proper names. I was eager to share Carolla's theory with the ladies, but was certain they would not be amused. I am also fairly confident that Jess would not find this funny. Good thing she doesn't read this anymore.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Team Jessica?
Is anyone out there still on Team Jessica? (please indicate allegiance in the comments) If you are, I hope you realize that it is like cheering for the Washington Generals when they play the Globetrotters. Sure, it makes you feel good for cheering for the team with no chance and if they somehow win you get to feel special for having faith. But 99.99% of the time you are cheering for the side destined to fail. That is Team Jessica. If you want to cheer for a winner, stick with Team Gregg. We are bringing this bet home.
Ace had Artie Lange on the podcast. First, Artie claims to have been sober for 2 and 1/2 months. Anyone who has seen his performance on Joe Buck's HBO show will beg to differ. He was clearly out of his mind. He went on to talk about how he hates David Cross. How. Dare. You. Jessica also hates David Cross (For Shame!) so she and that booze addled slob Artie have something in common. There is still time to reconsider team Jessica. Considering she shares opinions with this clown and I share opinions with this visionary, I think the choice is clear.
One of my favorite Ace related moments was his discussion of how he can't tell if guys are gay anymore. He has famously said that the only reason people make such a big deal about celebrities, like Lance Bass and Clay Aiken's sexuality is because they are so clearly gay that it throws people off when they say they are straight. As soon as they come out as gay, everything goes back to normal and no one cares. The other problem is guys with jobs that are usually staffed by gay guys (hair dresser, flight attendant, etc) now have to go out of their way to prove they aren't gay. Ace riffed that he doesn't want to come on a plane and listen to the straight male flight attendant talk about all the hot tail on the plane just to prove he's straight. His solution was simple: Just like NFL teams put a red jersey on the QB so the defense doesn't hit him in practice, the straight guys need a special uniform. I think it is a solid idea, too bad it has zero chance of actually happening.
Since I haven't posted much lately I figured you guys were all missing my special links. Well, here you go:
1
2
and
3
If you guessed that all three links were Journey related, you win. I think that Barry needs to hire the geniuses in #2 to fix the economy. If those guys can recreate the funniest video of all time, I'm pretty sure they can fix the economy in a week. I cannot even describe how insane I would go to meet one of those guys, especially the keyboard player, who really captures the essence of the original. I would buy them drinks and talk about that 4 minute video for 4 hours. And if you didn't watch the video and laugh, you my dear friend are an AK level d-bag. Deal with it.
Jess and I were at the mall to look at watches today and I decided to eat lunch in the food court. I saw something really troubling. I saw a 50-ish year old man, who if I had to bet has some sort of computer or accounting job reading a book. Normal enough, except the title of the book was The Dragon Reborn. Why would an old man read that crap in public? He should have taken a page from Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II when he uses the jacket for the Sports Almanac to hid his copy of Oh La La. Just thinking about Marty McFly dejectedly saying, "Oh La la? Oh La La," is cracking me up. Hopefully I am not alone in that.
Co-worker Amy: here's your special video shout out: Enjoy. Seriously between the guys that did that video and the Journey guys, we could land on Mars next Tuesday. Too bad they spend all their time making awesome vidoes.
Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!
Ace had Artie Lange on the podcast. First, Artie claims to have been sober for 2 and 1/2 months. Anyone who has seen his performance on Joe Buck's HBO show will beg to differ. He was clearly out of his mind. He went on to talk about how he hates David Cross. How. Dare. You. Jessica also hates David Cross (For Shame!) so she and that booze addled slob Artie have something in common. There is still time to reconsider team Jessica. Considering she shares opinions with this clown and I share opinions with this visionary, I think the choice is clear.
One of my favorite Ace related moments was his discussion of how he can't tell if guys are gay anymore. He has famously said that the only reason people make such a big deal about celebrities, like Lance Bass and Clay Aiken's sexuality is because they are so clearly gay that it throws people off when they say they are straight. As soon as they come out as gay, everything goes back to normal and no one cares. The other problem is guys with jobs that are usually staffed by gay guys (hair dresser, flight attendant, etc) now have to go out of their way to prove they aren't gay. Ace riffed that he doesn't want to come on a plane and listen to the straight male flight attendant talk about all the hot tail on the plane just to prove he's straight. His solution was simple: Just like NFL teams put a red jersey on the QB so the defense doesn't hit him in practice, the straight guys need a special uniform. I think it is a solid idea, too bad it has zero chance of actually happening.
Since I haven't posted much lately I figured you guys were all missing my special links. Well, here you go:
1
2
and
3
If you guessed that all three links were Journey related, you win. I think that Barry needs to hire the geniuses in #2 to fix the economy. If those guys can recreate the funniest video of all time, I'm pretty sure they can fix the economy in a week. I cannot even describe how insane I would go to meet one of those guys, especially the keyboard player, who really captures the essence of the original. I would buy them drinks and talk about that 4 minute video for 4 hours. And if you didn't watch the video and laugh, you my dear friend are an AK level d-bag. Deal with it.
Jess and I were at the mall to look at watches today and I decided to eat lunch in the food court. I saw something really troubling. I saw a 50-ish year old man, who if I had to bet has some sort of computer or accounting job reading a book. Normal enough, except the title of the book was The Dragon Reborn. Why would an old man read that crap in public? He should have taken a page from Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II when he uses the jacket for the Sports Almanac to hid his copy of Oh La La. Just thinking about Marty McFly dejectedly saying, "Oh La la? Oh La La," is cracking me up. Hopefully I am not alone in that.
Co-worker Amy: here's your special video shout out: Enjoy. Seriously between the guys that did that video and the Journey guys, we could land on Mars next Tuesday. Too bad they spend all their time making awesome vidoes.
Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
100 Days down... easy money
It's been 100 days. Obviously it has been a test to not speak of Carolla's genius in my own home. I think it has been even harder for Jessica to not have the joy of Carolla everyday. Fortunately for her, the self imposed Carolla ban is almost over. Too bad for her that means I will be $1000 richer.
Before I get to my thoughts on Bill Simmons appearance, there is a new poll inspired by ACG's request. The contestants are our favorite Philly socialite Arthur Kade, the original internet douche John Fitzgerald Page, John Mayer and Jessica herself for her disdain of all things Ace. For anyone that is not familiar with JFP, please go visit his website. He takes ridiculousness to unprecedented levels. And he is completely serious. So, vote early and often and lets settle who the biggest doucher is once and for all.
Ace is famous for beginning broadcasts by saying, "Get it on. Must get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: Get it on." Very apropos for his podcast with Simmons. (Mom, it's time to stop reading). For whatever reason, Simmons decided it was time to talk about porn, specifically, um.... fluid??? This led them to talk about which is worse, a scene with copious amounts of... fluid that is clearly fake.(Ace had a great line; "By the 8th salvo you are just insulting my intelligence) Or a scene with actual fluid. They both seemed to think that the real was better. They both have daughters and I think they should have said that they would rather kill themselves than choose. That did lead to an interesting discussion about what is the worst possible job for your daughter. Ace posed the following hypothetical to Simmons:
Your daughter is going to work at a topless only, no lap dance strip club. She can either:
a. be a stripper
b. be a slightly overweight girl who cleans the pole.
For some reason Simmons chose the stripper. Shocking. But it is an interesting question. I feel that I will have failed as a father if my daughter has any job that involves taking anything off, includes french fries, requires a stage name or has recently been given a churched up name (custodial engineer v. janitor). Ace is fond of saying that you can't really screw up boys too much since they just want to keep to themselves and be left alone. But with girls, you have to be careful. If you aren't a good dad, the girl will turn into a demon and ruin your life.
(Alright mom, it's safe to return)
Someone asked me today if I had Ace driver covers for my golf clubs. I wish! So, if someone out there likes knitting things, keep the Ace driver covers in mind for any gift baskets you send me.
Jessica is forcing me to watch So You Think You Can Dance right now. Bad times at the house. Currently two people in pajamas are dancing to a Richard Marx song. But I did have another Ace moment. One of the choreagraphers is named Mandy Moore. No, not that Mandy Moore. It reminded me of a game Ace used to play about people with the same name. I am not sure the Mandy Moore on SYTYCD and my former crush Mandy Moore could be more different. Once again, the Ace ban is robbing Jessica of great conversation.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Before I get to my thoughts on Bill Simmons appearance, there is a new poll inspired by ACG's request. The contestants are our favorite Philly socialite Arthur Kade, the original internet douche John Fitzgerald Page, John Mayer and Jessica herself for her disdain of all things Ace. For anyone that is not familiar with JFP, please go visit his website. He takes ridiculousness to unprecedented levels. And he is completely serious. So, vote early and often and lets settle who the biggest doucher is once and for all.
Ace is famous for beginning broadcasts by saying, "Get it on. Must get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: Get it on." Very apropos for his podcast with Simmons. (Mom, it's time to stop reading). For whatever reason, Simmons decided it was time to talk about porn, specifically, um.... fluid??? This led them to talk about which is worse, a scene with copious amounts of... fluid that is clearly fake.(Ace had a great line; "By the 8th salvo you are just insulting my intelligence) Or a scene with actual fluid. They both seemed to think that the real was better. They both have daughters and I think they should have said that they would rather kill themselves than choose. That did lead to an interesting discussion about what is the worst possible job for your daughter. Ace posed the following hypothetical to Simmons:
Your daughter is going to work at a topless only, no lap dance strip club. She can either:
a. be a stripper
b. be a slightly overweight girl who cleans the pole.
For some reason Simmons chose the stripper. Shocking. But it is an interesting question. I feel that I will have failed as a father if my daughter has any job that involves taking anything off, includes french fries, requires a stage name or has recently been given a churched up name (custodial engineer v. janitor). Ace is fond of saying that you can't really screw up boys too much since they just want to keep to themselves and be left alone. But with girls, you have to be careful. If you aren't a good dad, the girl will turn into a demon and ruin your life.
(Alright mom, it's safe to return)
Someone asked me today if I had Ace driver covers for my golf clubs. I wish! So, if someone out there likes knitting things, keep the Ace driver covers in mind for any gift baskets you send me.
Jessica is forcing me to watch So You Think You Can Dance right now. Bad times at the house. Currently two people in pajamas are dancing to a Richard Marx song. But I did have another Ace moment. One of the choreagraphers is named Mandy Moore. No, not that Mandy Moore. It reminded me of a game Ace used to play about people with the same name. I am not sure the Mandy Moore on SYTYCD and my former crush Mandy Moore could be more different. Once again, the Ace ban is robbing Jessica of great conversation.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Micheal McDonald? Really? The one with the beard?
I know, it's been to long since we have had an update. Well, Bill Simmons is the guest today and as soon as I listen to it, there will be a lengthy recap.
In the meantime, I have to discuss a personal issue that has really bothered me over the past few days. We have some new law clerks at the firm. I was enjoying getting to know them over a beer a few days back, when one of them said; "The Michael McDonald concert I went to in December was the best night of my life." Wait, what? He later claimed to be kidding around, but still claimed it was the best concert he has ever been to. As one who is prone to hyperbole I was still shocked by this statement. Worse still, he sent me videos the next day of what he deemed the choicest bits Mike has to offer. These are the actual videos he sent me: 1, 2 and 3. (Advance warning: Please do not click on these. I know many of you don't click the links for fear of another Journey video or Larry Bird tribute but both of those are infinitely better than the preceding links). I'll admit that aside from my love of Journey, I'm a music snob. My response to his statement was an Ace like rant about how Mike is a destructive musical force and seems to actively try to write unlistenable songs. I borrowed Ace's theory about how the Eagles split up just to inflict more damage and applied it to Mike's career, which works quite well. I have been racking my brain for 5 days straight and cannot imagine a life where the best night I'd ever had featured Mike McDonald. I think it's time for the offending clerk to get out in the world and top his evening with McDonald. Off the top of my head, nights that would top a McDonald concert include:
1. Sitting in a dark room alone;
2. a concert by the Starlight Vocal Band;
3. a night of television programmed by Jessica (The Hills, So You Think You Can Dance, 90210, Grey's Anatomy, etc); and
4. seeing a Mike McDonald cover band.
In other news of interest to me alone, Arthur Kade was a guest on Danny Partridge's radio show. For those of you that don't know, Danny Partridge used to be Ace's sidekick on the radio show. Thankfully for me, this was from before I started listening. Whenever he got brought up on the show, Ace would always reference how Danny would take his shirt off for no reason at all and always smelled like nicotine and Axe body spray. For some reason an aging former child star being described as smelling like Axe body spray always delighted me. Anyway, I downloaded the Kade segment and cannot wait to listen to it. I'm sure Bonaduce destroys Kade and calls him out for pretending he's not gay.
Look out for the big Simmons podcast update soon. Until then, Mahalo.
In the meantime, I have to discuss a personal issue that has really bothered me over the past few days. We have some new law clerks at the firm. I was enjoying getting to know them over a beer a few days back, when one of them said; "The Michael McDonald concert I went to in December was the best night of my life." Wait, what? He later claimed to be kidding around, but still claimed it was the best concert he has ever been to. As one who is prone to hyperbole I was still shocked by this statement. Worse still, he sent me videos the next day of what he deemed the choicest bits Mike has to offer. These are the actual videos he sent me: 1, 2 and 3. (Advance warning: Please do not click on these. I know many of you don't click the links for fear of another Journey video or Larry Bird tribute but both of those are infinitely better than the preceding links). I'll admit that aside from my love of Journey, I'm a music snob. My response to his statement was an Ace like rant about how Mike is a destructive musical force and seems to actively try to write unlistenable songs. I borrowed Ace's theory about how the Eagles split up just to inflict more damage and applied it to Mike's career, which works quite well. I have been racking my brain for 5 days straight and cannot imagine a life where the best night I'd ever had featured Mike McDonald. I think it's time for the offending clerk to get out in the world and top his evening with McDonald. Off the top of my head, nights that would top a McDonald concert include:
1. Sitting in a dark room alone;
2. a concert by the Starlight Vocal Band;
3. a night of television programmed by Jessica (The Hills, So You Think You Can Dance, 90210, Grey's Anatomy, etc); and
4. seeing a Mike McDonald cover band.
In other news of interest to me alone, Arthur Kade was a guest on Danny Partridge's radio show. For those of you that don't know, Danny Partridge used to be Ace's sidekick on the radio show. Thankfully for me, this was from before I started listening. Whenever he got brought up on the show, Ace would always reference how Danny would take his shirt off for no reason at all and always smelled like nicotine and Axe body spray. For some reason an aging former child star being described as smelling like Axe body spray always delighted me. Anyway, I downloaded the Kade segment and cannot wait to listen to it. I'm sure Bonaduce destroys Kade and calls him out for pretending he's not gay.
Look out for the big Simmons podcast update soon. Until then, Mahalo.
Monday, June 1, 2009
We all danced.... Kade Style
Happy Monday everyone. I had several notable Carolla moments with Jessica this weekend. We were traveling to Boston for my cousin's wedding. (Big shout out to Scotty and Laura). Actually, I already gave them a shout out at a townie bar after the wedding. Too bad they weren't there yet. I gave an inspired speech anyway as a ridiculous DJ gave me the stink eye. When I first asked if I could give a shout out he told me that he wasn't a DJ, he was an entertainer and he didn't do that. 5 minutes later he changed his mind and granted me access to the stage, and yes it was actually a stage. Since I didn't think he would look kindly on a postponement I soldiered on. Did I mention the entertainer was wearing a pink ruffled shirt and custom bell bottoms with special pink flaps on the bottom. And he played actual records. It was an outstanding time.
I really wanted to have a nice Carolla moment with Jess as we were waiting for our flight back to Oklahoma City. There were several people pressing forward to board the plane and Jess turned to me to remark how dumb it was for people to want to get on the plane so early when it doesn't leave until we are all there. One of my favorite Carolla rants is when he yells about first class travel. His complaint is that they let you on the plane early and every person that passes gives you a disgusted look as they board. In return the airline gives you nothing. I always laugh when Ace says all he wants is 2 dollars worth of booze while he waits, but of course that is against the rules.
My other thought whenever I fly deals with the emergency exit row. My friend Dusty and I once had a very long, very disturbing conversation about the emergency exit row and how we always think about what would happen if we decided to open the exit door in the middle of the flight (sort of like how every guy thinks about taking the gun from every cop they see). Seriously, is there some mechanism to protect the plane from that happening? I think I should make an invention to prevent it, sort of like how airbags only operate with a certain impact. Or at least be part of the screening process for the exit row seats. Maniacs like me do not belong. On the last leg of our flight Jess and I had separate seats and mine was in the exit row. I am pretty sure she was worried for 1 hour and 49 minutes that I was going to try to open the door. I'm sure I would get arrested for that and I wouldn't do well in prison, so I refrained.
Speaking of getting arrested, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Jess and I went to the Museum of Fine Art in Boston and all I could think about was taking a whiz on a Monet. My theory is that I would get less jail time for getting drunk and killing a kid with my car than I would for peeing on a priceless work of art. I think that is a sad commentary on our society. Actually it is probably a sadder commentary on me that I spend so much time on this type of frivolity.
Now to the wedding: Since I am obsessed with Philly's most elite social phenom Arthur Kade, I decided to try my best Kade impression on the wedding dance floor. It did not end well. Gregg style is not nearly as wonderful as Kade Style. At least we both have sweet hats (mine was stolen) and can make the super douche face (mine obviously as a joke). Jessica was worried the man whose hat I stole was going to try to fight me. Even in my drunken state I knew the man was a coward and if I learned anything in the Big Lebowski it was that I need not fear cowards. Thankfully the reception wasn't all me acting like a giant douche, stupid hand gestures and potential ass beatings. There was also singing on the dance floor. Faithful readers should have a good idea of what song could inspire such passionate singing. Yup, you guessed it.
Last thing for the day: Today Ace made a statement that just killed me. He described a guy as being good lenses in a bad frame, meaning he was smart but so unfocused he was couldn't be taken seriously. It is just a perfect way to describe things. I think it might go down in the pantheon of awesome ways to describe girls to your buddies (if you are the kind of sexist dude that is inclined to that type of behavior; good from far, but far from good being my personal favorite), as in, you go on a date with a girl with a good looking face and a weird shaped body: tell your buddies good lenses, bad frame. Once in law school my friend Joe asked my buddy Ron what he thought of a girl Joe was talking to. Ron's reaction was that she was a 6 and 1/2, but then he paused and said "Nah, 6." And a little piece of Joe died.
Remember, tell your friends about this blog and let's keep annoying Jessica together.
I really wanted to have a nice Carolla moment with Jess as we were waiting for our flight back to Oklahoma City. There were several people pressing forward to board the plane and Jess turned to me to remark how dumb it was for people to want to get on the plane so early when it doesn't leave until we are all there. One of my favorite Carolla rants is when he yells about first class travel. His complaint is that they let you on the plane early and every person that passes gives you a disgusted look as they board. In return the airline gives you nothing. I always laugh when Ace says all he wants is 2 dollars worth of booze while he waits, but of course that is against the rules.
My other thought whenever I fly deals with the emergency exit row. My friend Dusty and I once had a very long, very disturbing conversation about the emergency exit row and how we always think about what would happen if we decided to open the exit door in the middle of the flight (sort of like how every guy thinks about taking the gun from every cop they see). Seriously, is there some mechanism to protect the plane from that happening? I think I should make an invention to prevent it, sort of like how airbags only operate with a certain impact. Or at least be part of the screening process for the exit row seats. Maniacs like me do not belong. On the last leg of our flight Jess and I had separate seats and mine was in the exit row. I am pretty sure she was worried for 1 hour and 49 minutes that I was going to try to open the door. I'm sure I would get arrested for that and I wouldn't do well in prison, so I refrained.
Speaking of getting arrested, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Jess and I went to the Museum of Fine Art in Boston and all I could think about was taking a whiz on a Monet. My theory is that I would get less jail time for getting drunk and killing a kid with my car than I would for peeing on a priceless work of art. I think that is a sad commentary on our society. Actually it is probably a sadder commentary on me that I spend so much time on this type of frivolity.
Now to the wedding: Since I am obsessed with Philly's most elite social phenom Arthur Kade, I decided to try my best Kade impression on the wedding dance floor. It did not end well. Gregg style is not nearly as wonderful as Kade Style. At least we both have sweet hats (mine was stolen) and can make the super douche face (mine obviously as a joke). Jessica was worried the man whose hat I stole was going to try to fight me. Even in my drunken state I knew the man was a coward and if I learned anything in the Big Lebowski it was that I need not fear cowards. Thankfully the reception wasn't all me acting like a giant douche, stupid hand gestures and potential ass beatings. There was also singing on the dance floor. Faithful readers should have a good idea of what song could inspire such passionate singing. Yup, you guessed it.
Last thing for the day: Today Ace made a statement that just killed me. He described a guy as being good lenses in a bad frame, meaning he was smart but so unfocused he was couldn't be taken seriously. It is just a perfect way to describe things. I think it might go down in the pantheon of awesome ways to describe girls to your buddies (if you are the kind of sexist dude that is inclined to that type of behavior; good from far, but far from good being my personal favorite), as in, you go on a date with a girl with a good looking face and a weird shaped body: tell your buddies good lenses, bad frame. Once in law school my friend Joe asked my buddy Ron what he thought of a girl Joe was talking to. Ron's reaction was that she was a 6 and 1/2, but then he paused and said "Nah, 6." And a little piece of Joe died.
Remember, tell your friends about this blog and let's keep annoying Jessica together.
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