Close call...

Readers, we had a close one today. Jessica and I were watching TV when a preview for "Fast and Furious" (not to be confused with THE Fast and THE Furious) came on TV. Obviouisly we are excited for Vin Diesel and Paul Walker to be reunited, since the cinema has not seen chemistry like that since Swayze and Reeves. They showed Jordana Brewster in the trailer, which reminded me of an interview I heard with her on Carolla's old radio show. She said in the interview that she:
1. Doesn't know how to drive a stick
2. Doesn't remember how the first movie ended, and
3. Doesn't know what the story of the new movie is.

Think about that for a second. She is in a movie that costs tens of millions of dollars and has no clue what happens. Imagine if you showed up to work and did your job and had literally no idea what you just did. You would be fired immediately right? Well, maybe not...
ANYWAY, I almost let this slip in our ensuing discussion of the new movie. Thankfully I kept it inside. I also wanted to talk to her about Carolla's theory that Vin Diesel is only in movies because of his name. Hold the phone, you mean this guy can't act? That is just crazy talk. I'm sure Jessica is upset about this bet now since she missed out on me talking for 15 minutes about how Vin Diesel will never be as good as Seagal, followed by me "proving" my theory by making her watch "Out for Justice."

I think I have come up with another theory that I think is genius. During lunch I saw Sean Penn on a magazine and went on and on about how despicable it is that there are rumors that he has seduced Natalie Portman. That really hurts. Dear, sweet Natalie should not be with douchers like Penn. This led me to tell my friend Katie about how much I despise Sean Penn, etc, etc. She told me about her husbands crush on Jennifer Garner, which leads to my new theory. If your significant other has a celebrity crush, isn't it better for that person to look something like you? With Portman, she and Jessica have similar hair color, skin color, although one is Jewish and the other is not. (Jessica will think that is funny). With Katie and Jen Garner same thing. (sidenote: Speaking of Jen Garner, that reminds me of my now departed co-worker Lawrence. Lawrence really liked Jen Garner. His wife did not. So, being a respectful co-worker, I signed him up for every Jen Garner fan site on the internet.). I think I would find it distressing if Jessica told me her celebrity crush was Jackie Chan or something. Not only is he a short Asian man, he is not very handsome. I guess that would still be better than her liking a young Ron Howard. But I think what everyone should really be looking for is something between Brad Pitt and Jackie Chan. Pitt is unattainable, Chan is creepy. This theory does present a problem for me. My combination of features is not very handsome and a case can be made it is close to Conan O'Brien. Not exactly high praise. So Jessica is in a no win situation. If she says her crush is someone that looks like me, she has tacitly said I am not good looking. If she picks someone handsome she makes me insecure. I will update you on which way she decides to crush me.

My Tar Heels are in the Final Four. Let's hope they perform better than last year. I am going to watch the game, then see William Fitzsimmons directly afterwords. My head very well might explode from too much excitement. In that case, Jessica must pay Melissa the $1000 since she was the inspiration for the blog and Jessica didn't have the foresight to write a death clause into our contract.
Until next time, Mahalo!

A day without 2 of my favorite things

It is now halftime of the OU/UNC game and not only am I getting the stink eye from Jessica for cheering for UNC, she just told me she threw away one of my Carolina t-shirts that I have had since 1995. She later confessed that was a lie, but the damage was done. Couple this with not being able to talk about Carolla and it is a rough day for your humble narrator. The Heels are up 9. I am hopeful they can have another strong half and make their way to the Final Four.

I would also like to welcome new readers, courtesy of Amy Fischer alerting my co-workers to the existence of this blog. And no, it is not that Amy Fisher. I am clearly not worthy of a reader who is celebrity.

Back to the game. My next post will either be very cheerful in the event of an UNC win, or full of extreme vitriol in the event of an UNC loss.

My Apologies

Astute readers may have noticed my ridiculous error in misspelling Jessica in the most recent poll. It is a horrible mistake and since people have voted I cannot edit the poll. Just please be aware I know how to spell her name. Sloppy drafting like this is why this blog will never be successful.

I am only have way through the latest podcast with Dana Gould and it is pure gold. Dana does an amazing Huell Howser. If you don't know Huell, watch this. They started going crazy about how everyone with a crappy job needs Huell to come by and talk about their work to make them feel better. Huell is an unending source of amazement and surprise. You could show him the crappiest thing on earth and he acts like it is gold. I wish I knew him just so I could buy him junk for his birthday and have him react like I bought something amazing.

Jessica is attempting to make me lose my mind today. She is making me watch "Make Me a Supermodel." Dear readers, I don't know that I have the strength to endure this. It is a hideous show full of complete narcissists and average looking women. I am not sure who decided that models shouldn't be pretty anymore, but that was a bad decision. It seems like they are trying to find a diamond in the rough, but we all know there are only 3 diamonds in the rough.

3 more podcasts to listen to this week. Hopefully, we can expand the blog and get me a guest spot on Ace's podcast.

Amendment to previous post

I can't believe that just yesterday I wrote about how hair stylists are more attractive because of their job. Well, that theory died a strange death today. I went to get my hair cut and had a heavy set blond hair stylist. Needless to say "she" was not attractive in any way. We had the normal conversation as the haircut began. I told her I was a lawyer and she told me that she had a bad experience with lawyers in the past. I asked what happened, and she told me that she had to get a new birth certificate and had some trouble getting it finished. Then she said this: "To be honest, I was born a man and needed to get a new birth certificate." Oh my. She went on to tell me about her boyfriend in Egypt and how she wants to marry him. But the worst part was when she told me that her previous lawyer was a woman, who used to be a man. And that she was married to a woman when she was a man, and is still with her. I was really thinking about just getting up in the middle of my haircut so I didn't have to listen to anymore. It was completely terrifying. I am just proud that I didn't laugh as she was telling me this. To cap it off, her name is Blondie. I am not clever enough to make this up.

Carolla had Bill Simmons on today, which combines two of my favorite things. I haven't even finished listening to it yet, but there is already so much to talk about. They began the podcast by discussing something that I have talked about many times. Everyone who knows me knows that I have a crush on Natalie Portman which dates back to her in "Beautiful Girls." She was 13 at the time. But when the movie came out, I was 15. The topic became, are you a pervert to watch that movie and be attracted to Natalie Portman at 13 knowing she becomes an attractive woman. Carolla voted Not a Pervert. I tend to agree. I have had these conversations many times and everyone always tells me that I am a pervert for my stance. I disagree. When I first saw her it was age appropriate, so I maintain that it is still appropriate. The gray area is when someone becomes famous that is younger than 18, when you are older than that. If that is the test, Bill Simmons clearly failed. Bill Simmons might get into trouble with the pedo police because he started talking about seeing a girl that looked like Miley Cyrus and being attracted to her, thinking she was 27. Turns out it was actually Miley Cyrus. So, that clearly makes Bill Simmons a pervert. So, if you see Simmons walking around your neighborhood, do not be alarmed, sometimes people make mistakes.

Happy Birthday Melissa. Until next time, Mahalo!

Disappointing Homecoming (Day 18)

I made my return to Oklahoma City after 4 days in Vegas, and what is here to greet me? More voting fraud. It is so disappointing that Jessica is attempting to confuse me once more by taking advantage of my lack of sophistication with computers.

ANYWAY, Vegas was a wonderful time. Jon and I got to discuss Carolla at length and also see many of Carolla's favorite Vegas spots, including this. It was great to see Jon and get to spend so much time with him.

This may be a first: I may have come up with a Carolla-esqe theory before him. I have a long standing theory that certain jobs make a woman more attractive (such as a trade show manager for a boutique dental supply company or creative service manager at an advertising agency). I was thinking of this theory on the plane to Vegas, where I decided that the stewardess was a walking around 7, but in flight 8. I have run this by a couple of people, who all seem to be in agreement. Then on the podcast, Carolla made the same point with people with accents, which is also true. Maybe we need to have a test case with an English stewardess, but that may just be too overwhelming. I don't have a definitive list for jobs that make a woman better looking, but it would include stewardess, side line sports reporter, musician and hair stylist.

I have 3 new episodes of the podcast waiting for me. I cannot wait to listen and recount my favorite moments with all 4 of you.

There is so much more to write about Vegas, but I am far to tired. The good thing is that because I have so much to say about Vegas, I am not tempted to talk to Jessica about Carolla. Good times.

No More Voting Fraud

It is so nice to see that no voting irregularity has destroyed the integrity of the most recent poll. I am sure it is just a matter of time until Jessica figures out a way to subvert justice once more.

Please pick up the courtesy phone...

Time once more to GET IT ON. Remember, no choice but to GET IT ON.
Big week for Ace's podcast. He had Joel McHale on Thursday. There just isn't a better guest than Joel. It was another great episode that I highly recommend you all listen to right now. The podcast is actually #1 on iTunes, which drives Jessica out of her mind.

Speaking of driving Jessica out of her mind, I have a great new plan. Jessica was foolhardy enough to alert her work friends to this blog in an effort to win the previous poll. Bad idea. I think that all of Jessica's work friends should have a constant barrage of Carolla talk with Jessica at work. You are all evil geniuses, so I am sure you will figure out a way to make the podcast play through the work speakers, or hijack her computer and play it on a loop.

Carolla and McHale were talking about all the great fake names that can be announced over the speakers at a public establishment. They ran through all the classics, Haywoode Jablome, etc. Carolla starting talking about his new favorite, Harry Seaward (which is my fantasy basketball team and never ceases to make me laugh). Since Jon and I are going to Vegas next week, I am planning to have Harry Seaward paged every where we go, just to make him laugh. I am picturing how delighted Jonathan will be by this and laughing.

I really wish I could talk to Jessica about the podcast. Her biggest complaint about the Adam Carolla Show was how often Adam would yell about things. I understand it is insane to not enjoy Carolla's rants, but this is the same woman who doesn't like The Catcher in the Rye. But the podcast has a much different feel since he does it in his house, exclusively with guests he enjoys. It goes without saying that the absence of Strasser is a huge plus. The podcast with Joel also had some great talk from Carolla about how young girls don't like beets and if he ever found himself single he would use that to screen girls that were too old. He said if the girl says she likes beets, she's clearly too old. Just don't tell that to this guy.

The other great part of the podcast was Carolla talking about all his insane buddies and the nonsense they do to each other. It basically involves trying to pee on each other or wrestling nude. It all sounds horrifying, but it was hilarious. As much as I want to be buddies with Ace, I clearly wouldn't fit into his crowd. I can't take a sip of another persons drink, so I would obviously lose my mind if someone peed on my leg.

Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!

Voting Irregularity

What is this place, Chicago in 1960? Due to a flurry of late activity, Jessica somehow won the previous poll. I suspect malfeasance on her part. She is actively denying it, but I have my suspicions. I think she used her advanced knowledge of computers to vote multiple times. This shall not stand and the previous poll will not be recognized. Take that Jessica!

Alright, time to get back to work. If only my office had this, I would be a happy man.

How Dare She (Day 10)

Wow, Jessica did something to make me very happy today, followed by something so foul I can barely comprehend it. First, we set a wedding date, July 18, 2009. Obviously this is not the foul act I mentioned earlier. I am very excited to marry Jessica. I think she is eager to set the date since she knows that I am going to win this bet. The way she figures it, when she has to pay me she can just use our money. I am on to her game. I am thinking of making her put the money in escrow.

The terrible thing that Jessica did today was tell me that Catcher in the Rye is the worst book ever. She went as far to say that Adam Carolla is the radio equivalent of Catcher in the Rye. How dare she besmirch two of my favorite things.

Carolla had Aisha Tyler on Tuesday. It was amazing. I was reminded by Jonathan of his undying love for Aisha. I had totally forgotten about it. He used to watch the Soup every night when she was the host. She was the forgotten one in Jon's top 3, the others being Faith Hill and Toni Braxton. I used to terrorize him with jokes on a daily basis, none of which were clever. I just told Jon that the Bellagio is right across the street from the Giant Toni Braxton poster in Vegas. I figure that whenever I can't find Jon in Vegas, he'll be camped in front of the poster.

The main topic for Aisha was about all the stuff that your parents don't tell you. It was interesting because there are so many things I don't remember being taught and just figured out. Or was I taught them and just forgot. I will have to come up with a list of all the things I need to teach a son:
1. Larry Bird is the greatest man ever
2. You want to go to UNC; you want to punch people in Duke shirts
3. How to shave/mow the grass/change a tire (all things I am relatively sure I just figured out)
4. Never, under any circumstances trust your mother's taste in radio personalities or books.
See that would have made good conversation with Jessica. I bet she is regretting the bet now.
Until next time, Mahalo!

The First Week (Day 7)

Faithful readers, you have an unlikely source to thank for today's message: Jessica herself. She revealed the clamoring from the comments section about the lack of posting. Part of the reason for the delay was Jamie Kennedy being a guest on the podcast last week. Holy crap, he was terrible. Unfunny, not interesting and generally unlistenable. Ace did what he could to salvage the conversation, but it was almost as bad as having Strasser back. Thankfully Greg Fitzsimmons was on today and returned the show to form. Speaking of Fitzsimmons', everyone who reads this should also be listening to William Fitzsimmons. As that song proves, he is amazing. Now go buy one of his albums. I'll wait....

Good to have you back. The first week is now over. I made it without incident and feel stronger than ever. It has been liberating to be able to have conversations with Jessica without talking about Carolla. At first I had to guard what I was saying, but now it isn't an issue. Fear not, dear ones, I am not growing cocky nor complacent. I am just a man in the prime of his life with the resolve of a champion. Jessica seems like she has never been happier. I guess that is what happens with a week without rage or a grown man recounting another grown man's masturbation stories. I really have no other thoughts about Ace this week. While I am acutely aware that this is supposed to be about Ace and not my random thoughts, I have nothing left to add about Ace. Instead you will read about other random nonsense. Deal with it.

On Sunday, Carolina beat those floor slapping pansies from Duke. As is the duty of all good Americans, I hate Duke with the furry of an army of 100,000 men. I simply do not trust anyone who cheers for Duke. As has been memorably said about cheering for the Yankees, cheering for Duke is like rooting for the house in blackjack. This point was driven home by the recent HBO documentary about the Duke/UNC rivalry. I will never forget Eric Montross shooting free throws with blood running down his head (pre-aids awareness, so you could do that), or Tyler Hansbrough having his face broken by that douchebag Gerald Henderson, but the worst moment in basketball history was when Coach K said "F*** You Dean!" in the middle of a game. How dare he. Anyone who can still support Duke is obviously a bad person. This pretty much sums up everything you need to know about Duke.

I also watched two SNL specials, one with game shows, the other with commercials. It was miserable. How in the world can they play a game show special and not include "Geek, Dweeb or Spazz." That is borderline criminal. I was looking forward to seeing Emilo Estevez act like a tough guy.

I have been thinking of a way to annoy Jessica through the majesty of Carolla. I am thinking that we may have to send her emails at the exact same time with our favorite Carolla clips. Leave me your thoughts in the comments.

Well, I have certainly wasted enough of your time today. Until next time, Mahalo!

The Battle Continues; Day 4

Time to GET IT ON! I am sure you all consider yourselves lucky to get to read more. Maybe not as lucky as this fine lady, but lucky nonetheless.

Today required great restraint. Ace plus Dana Gould equals amazing. The part that made me lose my mind was the discussion of the old Rod Stewart story, involving Rod the Bod having his stomach pumped after... um too much fun with the lads. There is no way this guy would dare do that to other guys. Anyway, the point was how in the world did everyone know this rumor without the internet. I remember when I was in high school hearing the same story about Lil Kim, which seemed about right. Adam's interest was wanting to know how was the guy that started spreading this rumor. What kind of fiend does that. Who in the world has both the deviance and the number of friends required to pull off such a stunt.

Later in the evening we were having dinner with some friends and Jessica started talking about how all the worlds pedophiles should be put on an island somewhere. (For the uninitiated, Carolla has an amazing movie pitch for a movie called Pediph-Isle. The premise is that the world is tired of pedophiles and puts them on an island in the South Pacific. Tragedy strikes when a plane headed to a Boy Scout Jamboree crash lands on the island. The stranded scouts now have to evade pedophiles by using their scouting skills. Dear reader(s), to answer your question, yes it would be the greatest movie ever.) Jessica then starts brazenly talking about the pitch for the movie, but keep getting things mixed up (intentional? you be the judge) and I had to restrain myself from correcting her. I know it has only been 4 days, but surely this will be the toughest day I face. At least I hope it is.

I really do appreciate all 6 of you reading this. I will probably lose my mind if someone I don't already know reads it. There may even be a prize for that person.

I declare Shenanigan's! (Day 3)

Jessica is indeed tricky. Upon hearing of my creative outlet, inquired as to the name. I told her, and she responded she had won the bet. I called Shenanigan's, since she asked me the question. Clearly that is not me talking about Carolla in any fashion. It would be akin to losing because I said, "Did you see that jackass in the Corolla cut me off!" Technically, both are pronounced similarly, although one refers to an economical Japanese automobile driven by an idiot and the other to the greatest comedic genius of our time. Faithful readers, fear not. The bet is not lost, but beware of Jessica. She is crafty.

My resolve grows stronger due to the faith you have shown in the poll. Your confidence will be handsomely rewarded.

My first post: Day 2

The purpose of this blog is to chronicle my quest to win an absurd bet with my fiance, Jessica. Apparently I talk about Adam Carolla's radio show (R.I.P.) and new podcast too often. I can't help it that I think he is hilarious or that his views make a lot of sense. On March 2, 2009, Jessica declared she would pay me $1000 if I did not talk about Carolla to her for an entire year. This includes, but is not limited to: listening to him in the car in her prescence, watching his movie, The Hammer when she is home, commenting on anything he said on his podcast (Jessica cringes whenever she hears, "Adam said the funniest thing today...) or reciting any of his theories as my own. At first I thought of befriending some guy named Adam, then pretending to talk about him, when I am really talking about Ace. That plan is doomed to fail. I can write about it and not lose the bet, which is why both of you are reading this. The way I figure it, this blog will either help me not talk about Ace for a year, and win $1000. Or Ace himself will somehow find the blog, and I will get to meet him, in which case winning the bet becomes moot, since I would gladly trade the $1000 to meet Ace.

I guess I should start with a little background. I was never a real big fan of Adam. That all changed on a family cruise in December 2007. My brother Jonathan starting talking about the show and how hilarious it was. It started innocously enough. Jonathan called me a J.O. For some reason, I couldn't stop laughing. He began to tell me more and more stories and Carolla theories. I was hooked immediately. Pretty soon I was downloading his radio show every day. Before I knew it, I was bringing up the show in casual coversation, reciting his opinions as my own and driving Jessica insane. For the love of all that is holy, I even watched Dancing with the Stars because of him.

Jessica is not alone in her annoyance. Many of my co-workers are fed up with my constant references to Carolla. My friend Katie even offered to make the same bet with me, but I can't possibly not talk about it at home and work. That would be madness.

Now, I am on a journey to defeat Jessica and win my $1000. I will be using this space to share the hilarious wisdom of Adam for the day, or talk about anything else that I think is funny. My chances of success are slight, but my resolve is strong. With your help dear reader(s), I will win this bet. In the words of Jessica's beloved Barry Obama, "Yes we can." (by the way, Barry is clearly the worst first name in Presidential history, right?).

Since I have nothing to add about Adam right now, time for a bank story: Jessica gives me a check monthly for her half of the bills. She generally writes goofy messages in the memo section of the check. In honor of our bet, she wrote, "1 down, 364 to go," on the most recent check. I went to the bank to deposit the check and got questioned by the teller as to the meaning of the memo. First, I find this very odd. There is 0 reason for the teller to do anything but verify the amount. Second, why did he risk even asking me about it. What if I had some terrifying story explaining it? Again my lack of cleverness became a severe handicap in this moment as I was left with nothing witty to say in response. The whole exchange left me a little confused, and certainly not looking forward to my next trip to the bank. Shortly after my bank trip, I horrified some woman in front of me when she overheard my comment that something (I cannot remember what) was the gayest thing in history that did not involve 2 dudes with their pants down. She did not appreciate my analogy. (Dear readers, I promise future entires will approximate something funny or entertaining. Or at least a link to a Journey video).

Melissa, I appreciate you reading this. Hopefully future entries will be much funnier. For now, 2 days down, 363 to go.

In the words of Ace Carolla, Mahalo!