Today is a great day for Jonathan, the man who is ultimately responsible for this blog since he introduced me to Carolla's radio show. Hey Brother. Jon had his Doctoral defense today and passed. He is now Jonathan, PhD. Which is awesome. Congratulations Jon. But I am going to call you Doc from now on, so get used to that. It will be funny on a few levels:
1. It reminds me of Back to the Future (note to readers: my keychain is a DeLorian)
2. It is always funny to call someone Doc.
3. I am relatively sure that it will embarrass Jon, which is also always funny.
I know that you all have missed Carolla talk over the past 2 days. I actually got an email about it today complaining about my lack of posting. Luckily, it was only from a co-worker, and I write a hit blog so I am not sweating it.
The thing I really wanted to talk to Jessica about this week was Adam's rant about people that drink energy drinks being A-holes. He really has a good point. Let's follow his theory:
Picture the coolest guy you know: See him? Now can you picture him with an energy drink? Of course not.
Now think of the biggest douche you know. See him? He totally slams energy drinks all night, while spitting game on only 10's. (For those of you who pictured me when thinking of the biggest douche they know, for shame. I expect more from you). He is really right though. When I am in charge and get to hire people I am going to make it an interview question. It would allow me to screen poor candidates and ensure a douche free work environment.
I haven't listened to the rest of the podcasts yet so I have no more Carolla related thoughts I wanted to share with Jessica. She has been maintaining she doesn't read the blog, but somehow still reads the comments. With that in mind, please leave comments so they will come up on her Google reader. I beg you. The more comments, the more annoyed she becomes. And to any nerd out there, I need your help. I want to create a Carolla iPhone ringtone for her phone, then add it to her phone when she isn't paying attention. You have no idea how delightful it will be to see her face the first time her ringtone is the soothing sounds of Ace. Thanks in advance for all your help. And I am still waiting for t-shirt ideas, so send those too.
Shout Out Time! Welcome Jennifer. Glad you stopped by. In honor of your visit, the greatest video EVER. As a young man, I rented the NBA Superstars video almost as much as Conan the Destroyer. That is high praise.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Deadliest Warrior
This is a non-Carolla related post, but I just want to make sure that everyone is aware of the show "The Deadliest Warrior." It is hilarious and bizarre. It pits two historical warriors against each other (recent episodes included Apache Indian v. Gladiator; Viking v. Samurai; and Ninja v. Spartan). As you can plainly see, it is incredible. The show answers the age old question of which one would win in a fight and then they do tests on the weapons and run it through a simulation 1000 times to find a winner. I highly recommend it. Tomorrow (Tuesday) nights episode is Pirate v. Knight. I have to give the edge to the pirate since he has a gun. Hardly seems fair, but I am sure the result will surprise me.
And now this, just because it is funny.
And now this, just because it is funny.
Monday, April 27, 2009
The Return of T
I wasn't going to update the blog today, but then I remembered that there are dozens of you out there that would have been disappointed. Today makes the triumphant (or not so triumphant) return of T and Bald Bryan. I am only about 15 minutes into the podcast so I will save my thoughts until I finish it. But so far T has mentioned she was pregnant about 1000 times. It did segue nicely into Ace ranting about a stroller that his wife and nanny refused to donate to charity despite numerous requests, which led Ace to demolish the stroller. It was almost like "This Week In Rage" returned.
I did discover a website today that features the biggest douche on the internet. I am not exaggerating in that claim. You all really need to spend some time looking at his site. He is beyond a narcissist. One example: his female rating system. He describes what makes a woman attractive, then sets out his rankings. All you need to know about his system is that Heidi Klum is an 8. Her. Really? I know you all must be thinking to yourselves that surely this is only his system for rating super hot celebrities. Nope. Just in general. Wow. This man is obviously a maniac. Maybe I need to adopt his style in an effort to drive more traffic to this site.
I was thinking about new and wonderful ways to terrify Jessica. I am thinking that we need to have some t shirts made. I know that this is mostly a family read blog, so we would have ample opportunity to display them. And if in some insane turn of events someone outside my immediate family wants one, even better. I have 0 creative skills (as evidenced by this blog) so please submit any and all ideas.
Until next time.
I did discover a website today that features the biggest douche on the internet. I am not exaggerating in that claim. You all really need to spend some time looking at his site. He is beyond a narcissist. One example: his female rating system. He describes what makes a woman attractive, then sets out his rankings. All you need to know about his system is that Heidi Klum is an 8. Her. Really? I know you all must be thinking to yourselves that surely this is only his system for rating super hot celebrities. Nope. Just in general. Wow. This man is obviously a maniac. Maybe I need to adopt his style in an effort to drive more traffic to this site.
I was thinking about new and wonderful ways to terrify Jessica. I am thinking that we need to have some t shirts made. I know that this is mostly a family read blog, so we would have ample opportunity to display them. And if in some insane turn of events someone outside my immediate family wants one, even better. I have 0 creative skills (as evidenced by this blog) so please submit any and all ideas.
Until next time.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Day 56
Happy Sunday to everyone. It is Day 56 of my journey and I am still on target to win the money. Jessica is getting more and more worried about it. I am sure she will unleash some unholy attack in the coming days, so stay tuned.
One last piece of business from the Dameshek podcast: I totally just remembered that Ace and Dameshek talked about how the winners of the Kentucky Derby generally make good names for your junk, should you be the kind of guy to name your junk. I almost veered into the wrong lane on the highway I was laughing so hard. I am planning on basing my Kentucky Derby bet solely on which is the best name for a unit. I plan on winning big.
Jessica did do something to make me insanely happy. She couldn't sleep last night and left this on my desktop. (it starts slow, but trust me, it is worth the wait) Now I know some of you don't click my links, which is madness, but seriously you must watch this one. When Jessica made me watch Made of Honor I almost choked I laughed so hard at that scene. (as you can see by the picture at the top of this post). I am always amused by bad displays of athletics in movies, people reading poetry (live or on film) and bad actors trying to be intense. And this is without a doubt the best display of bad athletics in film ever. Bill Simmons always jokes that nothing can top Woody Harrelson and Edward Norton dunking in White Men Can't Jump and American History X respectively. I defy any of you to watch all 3 and not admit that Made of Honor isn't by far the worst. I trust you will all side with me on this one.
I got my haircut again today. Faithful readers will recall my last experience getting my haircut was less than ideal. Well, today's experience did not involve a transsexual, but I did see a lady fall. My head was turned toward the stores break room as she was trimming over my ears. I saw a lady come out of the break room and as she stepped forward totally busted her ass and fell face first into a door knob. Mind you, I am looking directly at her as this happened, but I couldn't really do anything to help given the fact that scissors were next to my ear. I had to fight every urge in my body not to laugh. Thankfully I was successful, but it was close. I really need to find a new place to get my hair cut.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Strange Brew...
I wish I was referring to this Strange Brew. But rather I am referring to the amazing story that Ace told Dameshek at the end of the podcast. Before I get to that, I want to thank the amazing people at the Adam Carolla Messageboard. Someone over there caught wind of this blog and I couldn't be more thrilled. The posters there are hilarious and I was worried they would skewer my blog, but so far so good.
Resident super fan Giovanni called into the show to request Ace tell the Brewing story. Little background on Giovanni: He is the biggest Ace fan ever. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of Carolla stories, used to call the radio show to complain about how terrible the people of Hawaii are and flew from Hawaii to Seattle to watch the Hammer in a theater. Here's the story: It involves Ace's buddy Chris and his ability to pee on others. He somehow could whiz a dozen feet out or 10 feet up. Needless to say, he didn't use his powers for good. His basic technique was to hold his unit, clamp the flow, then uncork while simultaneously throwing his hips forward to propel the urine. The best story involved Ray having to drop a deuce at school and Chris kicking in the stall and telling Ray to "Freeze baby!" Ray was obviously alarmed and begged for mercy, which was not given. Chris unleashed his flow. Ray screamed "My eye." And it only gets better. Ray's revenge was to grab what he just deposited. (seriously: who are these guys. Can you imagine in your wildest dreams one of your buddies threatening to hit you with his deuce?). Chris tried to run and said, "Put that thing down," as he slipped on the tile. Ray drilled him with the poo as he sat on the floor. That is a simply stunning story. I have never even had the guts to upper deck someone's toilet, let alone sling poop at them. For those that don't know, an upper deck involves you removing the lid from a toilet and dropping a deuce in the tank. It is a devious and hilarious act. There was one time that I was in a sauna and thought it would be hilarious to upper deck that. The smell would never come out and I would probably be arrested.
Now that some of the message board people are reading, my next goal is to get the Aceman himself. I always wanted to call the radio show, but never did. I would have relayed this story and question:
I was deposing a young woman who's infant daughter tragically died. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and had "RACHELLE" (in fancy letters) tattooed on her upper arm. No big deal right? Except on the Petition, her named was spelled "ROCHELLE." I have had cases where the people misspelled the name on the Petition, so I asked. Here's what she said: No, it's spelled Rochelle, but I am tired of people pronouncing "ROW SHELL," when it should be "RA SHELL." So long story short, she misspelled her own name on her arm, on purpose. It is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and don't know that it can be topped. How say you.
I appreciate any suggestions you all might have for our next plan to annoy Jessica.
Resident super fan Giovanni called into the show to request Ace tell the Brewing story. Little background on Giovanni: He is the biggest Ace fan ever. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of Carolla stories, used to call the radio show to complain about how terrible the people of Hawaii are and flew from Hawaii to Seattle to watch the Hammer in a theater. Here's the story: It involves Ace's buddy Chris and his ability to pee on others. He somehow could whiz a dozen feet out or 10 feet up. Needless to say, he didn't use his powers for good. His basic technique was to hold his unit, clamp the flow, then uncork while simultaneously throwing his hips forward to propel the urine. The best story involved Ray having to drop a deuce at school and Chris kicking in the stall and telling Ray to "Freeze baby!" Ray was obviously alarmed and begged for mercy, which was not given. Chris unleashed his flow. Ray screamed "My eye." And it only gets better. Ray's revenge was to grab what he just deposited. (seriously: who are these guys. Can you imagine in your wildest dreams one of your buddies threatening to hit you with his deuce?). Chris tried to run and said, "Put that thing down," as he slipped on the tile. Ray drilled him with the poo as he sat on the floor. That is a simply stunning story. I have never even had the guts to upper deck someone's toilet, let alone sling poop at them. For those that don't know, an upper deck involves you removing the lid from a toilet and dropping a deuce in the tank. It is a devious and hilarious act. There was one time that I was in a sauna and thought it would be hilarious to upper deck that. The smell would never come out and I would probably be arrested.
Now that some of the message board people are reading, my next goal is to get the Aceman himself. I always wanted to call the radio show, but never did. I would have relayed this story and question:
I was deposing a young woman who's infant daughter tragically died. She was wearing a sleeveless shirt and had "RACHELLE" (in fancy letters) tattooed on her upper arm. No big deal right? Except on the Petition, her named was spelled "ROCHELLE." I have had cases where the people misspelled the name on the Petition, so I asked. Here's what she said: No, it's spelled Rochelle, but I am tired of people pronouncing "ROW SHELL," when it should be "RA SHELL." So long story short, she misspelled her own name on her arm, on purpose. It is the dumbest thing I have ever heard and don't know that it can be topped. How say you.
I appreciate any suggestions you all might have for our next plan to annoy Jessica.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Mission Accomplished
Thank you all for sending Jessica messages today. She claims she didn't read them, but I find that hard to believe. Either way, I am quite pleased.
Ace had Dave Dameshek as his guest and it was amazing. For those of you unfamiliar with Dameshek, I suggest you become familiar as soon as possible. He is hilarious and has a great show on ESPN radio. His latest ongoing project is what he refers to as "Land of the Fox" which is an project to get all the foxiest ladies in the world in the same country. Dameshek is the ruler of the Land of the Fox and gets to decide who is in and who's out. But since Dameshek is a benevolent ruler, he does allow residents of the Shek Republic to vote on inclusion. The latest vote is for Frieda Pinto or Tina Fey. Really? This is even a contest? Tina's appeal has more to do with her being funny. Hopefully the Shek Republic will respond properly and allow Frieda into the Land of the Fox.
I have only just begun the podcast and I already have a lot to say about it. One thing I would definitely want to talk to Jessica about was the conversation about names for kids. Dameshek thinks it is key to give your kid a cool name, but to be cautious since the name will accentuate whatever trait the kid has already. So if your kid is nerdy and has a strong name, he will be nerdier. But the upside is that if your kid is a great athlete and his name is strong, he will be the coolest kid in town. I have long petitioned Jessica that we need to name a son Holden. Holden is an awesome name that will either make or break a kid. I am not sure when I will tell him where his name comes from, considering its dubious origin, but hopefully he will turn out cool, athletic and smart. Let's all hope that Jessica's genetics win out (save for her ridiculous taste in podcast comedy).
This also dovetails nicely with my longstanding theory that certain names make women more attractive, especially any name that can also be a boys name. (Similar to my theory about a woman's job making her more attractive; see earlier posts). So, if we have a daughter, I am going to call her Eleanor for the first 25 years of her life so dudes will leave her alone, then let her go by another name later. It is a weird paradox for men with girls: you obviously want your daughter to be pretty, but if she is really pretty early on you are going to have to put up with a bunch of dudes hanging around. No one wants that. Especially if the dudes are like these guys.
Ace shared his theory on plastic surgery, which was amazing. His basic point is that people shouldn't try to go from 65 to 38. That's just not realistic and the 65 year old always ends up looking terrible. The 65 year old should really shoot for looking around 52, which would just leave them looking good for their age. Ace ranted about the old guys using tons of Grecian Formula on their hair, which makes it look like an oil slick. For whatever reason, anytime Ace talks about Grecian Formula I laugh like an idiot. There was plenty of Grecian Formula talk so I was delighted.
Aside from the plastic surgery, Ace and Dameshek talked about how woman wear giant necklaces and the bigger the necklace, the older the lady. Ace has always maintained that women dress up just to impress other women, which I agree with. Guys couldn't care less about giant jewelry, what kind of shoes you wear or what your handbag looks like. I never understand why women put so much emphasis on the stuff we never even see, but now it makes sense. Especially since we all know that a giant necklace has only been useful once.
I will have many more thoughts and updates once I finish the Dameshek podcast. If the beginning is any indication, it will be amazing. Until then, Mahalo!
Ace had Dave Dameshek as his guest and it was amazing. For those of you unfamiliar with Dameshek, I suggest you become familiar as soon as possible. He is hilarious and has a great show on ESPN radio. His latest ongoing project is what he refers to as "Land of the Fox" which is an project to get all the foxiest ladies in the world in the same country. Dameshek is the ruler of the Land of the Fox and gets to decide who is in and who's out. But since Dameshek is a benevolent ruler, he does allow residents of the Shek Republic to vote on inclusion. The latest vote is for Frieda Pinto or Tina Fey. Really? This is even a contest? Tina's appeal has more to do with her being funny. Hopefully the Shek Republic will respond properly and allow Frieda into the Land of the Fox.
I have only just begun the podcast and I already have a lot to say about it. One thing I would definitely want to talk to Jessica about was the conversation about names for kids. Dameshek thinks it is key to give your kid a cool name, but to be cautious since the name will accentuate whatever trait the kid has already. So if your kid is nerdy and has a strong name, he will be nerdier. But the upside is that if your kid is a great athlete and his name is strong, he will be the coolest kid in town. I have long petitioned Jessica that we need to name a son Holden. Holden is an awesome name that will either make or break a kid. I am not sure when I will tell him where his name comes from, considering its dubious origin, but hopefully he will turn out cool, athletic and smart. Let's all hope that Jessica's genetics win out (save for her ridiculous taste in podcast comedy).
This also dovetails nicely with my longstanding theory that certain names make women more attractive, especially any name that can also be a boys name. (Similar to my theory about a woman's job making her more attractive; see earlier posts). So, if we have a daughter, I am going to call her Eleanor for the first 25 years of her life so dudes will leave her alone, then let her go by another name later. It is a weird paradox for men with girls: you obviously want your daughter to be pretty, but if she is really pretty early on you are going to have to put up with a bunch of dudes hanging around. No one wants that. Especially if the dudes are like these guys.
Ace shared his theory on plastic surgery, which was amazing. His basic point is that people shouldn't try to go from 65 to 38. That's just not realistic and the 65 year old always ends up looking terrible. The 65 year old should really shoot for looking around 52, which would just leave them looking good for their age. Ace ranted about the old guys using tons of Grecian Formula on their hair, which makes it look like an oil slick. For whatever reason, anytime Ace talks about Grecian Formula I laugh like an idiot. There was plenty of Grecian Formula talk so I was delighted.
Aside from the plastic surgery, Ace and Dameshek talked about how woman wear giant necklaces and the bigger the necklace, the older the lady. Ace has always maintained that women dress up just to impress other women, which I agree with. Guys couldn't care less about giant jewelry, what kind of shoes you wear or what your handbag looks like. I never understand why women put so much emphasis on the stuff we never even see, but now it makes sense. Especially since we all know that a giant necklace has only been useful once.
I will have many more thoughts and updates once I finish the Dameshek podcast. If the beginning is any indication, it will be amazing. Until then, Mahalo!
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Jessica's latest tatics (Day 51)
Greetings readers. Most blogs celebrate readership milestones in the thousands of views, but we have smaller goals here at My Year Without Carolla. We just passed 500 and I couldn't be more thrilled.
Before we get to Jessica's latest proposal, there are a few things we need to talk about. First, Jessica has declared that she will no longer be reading the blog in an effort to annoy me. She claims that by reading this blog it has substituted for me talking to her about Carolla. She figures that she will increase her odds at victory by not reading. How wrong she is. Since she is not reading this, she will be completely unaware of my next proposal. I suggest that we all email Jessica our favorite Carolla clip tomorrow (4/22) at 11:11 a.m. Here are some suggestions:
here
here or
here.
I obviously cannot post Jessica's email in this public of a forum (See above reference to the numerous readers). So if you don't have it, please let me know and I will send it to you. I am counting on you to come through readers. I have faith.
I also want to give a special shout-out to Asteroid. I don't know who you are, but you are awesome.
The latest tactic Jessica has proposed is that the bet end on July 17th, since we are getting married on the 18th and joining our bank accounts. I am not sure if this is motivated by her delirium over the newest Harry Potter movie, due out July 17 or just her realizing she has 0% chance of winning this bet. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am obviously excited to get the money sooner, but I think it is some elaborate prank on her part. Either way, have faith readers. I am bringing this money home. I am planning to post future polls to have you help me decide how to use the money.
Well now that we have that out of the way, I have some leftover thoughts from a couple episodes ago. I was once more reminded why Carolla and I are kindred spirits. He was recounting stories of his Pop Warner football days and how his coaches never let them have water breaks. He kept talking about how the coaches would always tell you that if you drank water you would cramp. At most his coaches would let you take a swig of a hose and spit the water out. It reminded me of 7th grade and Coach Timms. Coach Timms thought water was somehow evil as well and would never let us have water breaks. It would be 100 degrees, which felt like 120 in pads and we would practice for 2 hours without a break. It was insane. He would be sued so quick if he tried that today. It got so bad that the varsity coaches would come to our practices and make Coach Timms give us a break. If only the statute of limitations for a negligence claim was 18 years, I would be filing a class action tomorrow.
Jessica did surprise me with some awesome news this week. This. And this! Except Steve Perry won't be there. Either way, we are seeing Journey in August and I am fired up.
Please vote in the latest poll and remember to tell your friends about this blog. Oh and don't forget to send links to Jessica tomorrow. Until next time, Mahalo!
Before we get to Jessica's latest proposal, there are a few things we need to talk about. First, Jessica has declared that she will no longer be reading the blog in an effort to annoy me. She claims that by reading this blog it has substituted for me talking to her about Carolla. She figures that she will increase her odds at victory by not reading. How wrong she is. Since she is not reading this, she will be completely unaware of my next proposal. I suggest that we all email Jessica our favorite Carolla clip tomorrow (4/22) at 11:11 a.m. Here are some suggestions:
here
here or
here.
I obviously cannot post Jessica's email in this public of a forum (See above reference to the numerous readers). So if you don't have it, please let me know and I will send it to you. I am counting on you to come through readers. I have faith.
I also want to give a special shout-out to Asteroid. I don't know who you are, but you are awesome.
The latest tactic Jessica has proposed is that the bet end on July 17th, since we are getting married on the 18th and joining our bank accounts. I am not sure if this is motivated by her delirium over the newest Harry Potter movie, due out July 17 or just her realizing she has 0% chance of winning this bet. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am obviously excited to get the money sooner, but I think it is some elaborate prank on her part. Either way, have faith readers. I am bringing this money home. I am planning to post future polls to have you help me decide how to use the money.
Well now that we have that out of the way, I have some leftover thoughts from a couple episodes ago. I was once more reminded why Carolla and I are kindred spirits. He was recounting stories of his Pop Warner football days and how his coaches never let them have water breaks. He kept talking about how the coaches would always tell you that if you drank water you would cramp. At most his coaches would let you take a swig of a hose and spit the water out. It reminded me of 7th grade and Coach Timms. Coach Timms thought water was somehow evil as well and would never let us have water breaks. It would be 100 degrees, which felt like 120 in pads and we would practice for 2 hours without a break. It was insane. He would be sued so quick if he tried that today. It got so bad that the varsity coaches would come to our practices and make Coach Timms give us a break. If only the statute of limitations for a negligence claim was 18 years, I would be filing a class action tomorrow.
Jessica did surprise me with some awesome news this week. This. And this! Except Steve Perry won't be there. Either way, we are seeing Journey in August and I am fired up.
Please vote in the latest poll and remember to tell your friends about this blog. Oh and don't forget to send links to Jessica tomorrow. Until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Actual Carolla talk
I know this blog has been very light on actual Carolla talk lately, which is odd considering the whole point of this blog is to praise Carolla. As far as I can tell, no one has missed my musings on Carolla, but here are some new ones. I had ample time to enjoy Carolla as I was driving to and from Tulsa twice this week. Here is the list of things I wanted to discuss with Jessica:
1. Adam talking about a lead singer of a band named Lee Ving. It never occurred Adam that it was a play on words for "leaving." Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a similar ridiculous story. I was in Denver about 7 years ago and drove past an IHOP and it I realized that IHOP stood for International House of Pancakes. I know I am a moron for that never having occurred to me before.
2. Adam referred to himself as "The Chuck Norris of Beef" because he won't leave any beef uneaten on his plate. Except for one time when he was in Texas and had some terrible BBQ at place on his way to a show. I mean, how hilarious is that? Even Jessica would have to admit that is funny, considering how much she loves Chuck Norris facts. (My personal favorite is that Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, but now they are just called the Islands).
3. Rock of Love Bus: Adam talked extensively about Bret Michaels and his unending love of all things rock. As anyone who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action knows, he speaks of his love of rocking at all times. Unfortunately, any who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action also knows that his version of rocking only involves cowboy hats, uncomfortably tight jeans and all the rock cliques you can handle. But the show really is pretty amazing. I am not sure why they find 20 women who want to make out with Michaels and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. I also don't want to know how they convince them that Michaels playing at a state fair in North Dakota at 2:30 on a Wednesday is living the rock and roll lifestyle. It is just a sad a pathetic lifestyle. I keep waiting for one of the rejected skanks to pull off his bandana and let the world see what his wig is hiding. But I do give Michaels props for stying the extensions in different ways, including my personal favorite, the single braid. (Readers note: I am not doing any links today because I am lazy and I am pretty sure that none of you click them anyway).
4. Ace talking about how he should have kissed up to Josh Brolin when he had the chance. Ace and Brolin were both doing a celebrity race in 2003 and Brolin wanted to have a beer with Ace after, but he blew him off. Now that Brolin is Oscar nominated and been in lots of critically acclaimed movies. Ace unfortunately still considered Brolin to just be the guy that was in Goonies. Big mistake.
5. Ace interviewed Danica Patrick, which was great for one very underrated reason: Ace has long held that female athletes are pushed on sports fans as being hot, even though they really cute at best. He once said that if you put Heidi Klum next to Danica Patrick you would never stop vomiting. He is completely right.
6. In the Jimmy Pardo episode he had some great thoughts about "To Catch a Predator", which was an amazing series. Carolla's point was that these dudes always show up looking like hell, even though they think they are about to have sex with a 15 year old. He's right: you think those guys would shave the creepy 'stache, lose the mullet and put on a clean t-shirt. But it is always the same story, they knock on the door, the girl invites them in and tells them to make themselves at home since she is finishing up the laundry. The dude just starts eating cookies and drinking tea in the living room waiting for the girl, with his backpack full of lube and 72 condoms. Most importantly, Ace wonders what in the world these guys are thinking lugging the 72 condoms around when they are in the 15 year old's house. Best case scenario they could expect a few hours alone with the girl, yet they come prepared for a week long orgy with the girl and 20 of her friends.
7. Ace continued on his plan to trick the Catch a Predator people. His plan is truly inspired, he would order a pizza and wait in a secret location to see what happened to the pizza guy. If nothing happens to him and its not a set up, you can have pizza with the 15 year old you came to see. If it is a set up, you can escape while the police needlessly tackle the pizza guy. He also would have some test phrases in the chats they always reference. His point is a solid one: if you started talking about the Jonas Brothers the girl should be into it. But once you say some filthy sexual thing to her and she reacts like she's into, it's a trap.
8. Ace made an appearance on Bill Simmons podcast, which is always a treat for me. Today's main topic was the new "Fast and Furious" movie, which seems to have exceeded Ace and Bill's hope for a enjoyably bad action movie. Ace had me laughing out loud at the gym when he was talking about Jordana Brewster's terrible performance by saying that when your acting is so bad as to be noteworthy in a film featuring Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, you have truly outdone yourself. He also said it was the type of movie that people will kick your seat in the theater if you aren't talking and making jokes throughout it. I saw we organize a group trip to see the movie. Who's with me? (We will probably have to limit this to the first 200 responders since we don't want to overwhelm the theater by having all my readers show up at once).
I hope that this entry has made up for my lack of posting lately. I have started keeping better notes about things because I listen to the podcast then completely forget what I wanted to say. But now I have post it notes in my car and desk drawer that will hopefully provide minutes upon minutes of entertainment to you all. Until next time, Mahalo!
1. Adam talking about a lead singer of a band named Lee Ving. It never occurred Adam that it was a play on words for "leaving." Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a similar ridiculous story. I was in Denver about 7 years ago and drove past an IHOP and it I realized that IHOP stood for International House of Pancakes. I know I am a moron for that never having occurred to me before.
2. Adam referred to himself as "The Chuck Norris of Beef" because he won't leave any beef uneaten on his plate. Except for one time when he was in Texas and had some terrible BBQ at place on his way to a show. I mean, how hilarious is that? Even Jessica would have to admit that is funny, considering how much she loves Chuck Norris facts. (My personal favorite is that Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands, but now they are just called the Islands).
3. Rock of Love Bus: Adam talked extensively about Bret Michaels and his unending love of all things rock. As anyone who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action knows, he speaks of his love of rocking at all times. Unfortunately, any who has ever seen Mr. Michaels in action also knows that his version of rocking only involves cowboy hats, uncomfortably tight jeans and all the rock cliques you can handle. But the show really is pretty amazing. I am not sure why they find 20 women who want to make out with Michaels and I am pretty sure I don't want to know. I also don't want to know how they convince them that Michaels playing at a state fair in North Dakota at 2:30 on a Wednesday is living the rock and roll lifestyle. It is just a sad a pathetic lifestyle. I keep waiting for one of the rejected skanks to pull off his bandana and let the world see what his wig is hiding. But I do give Michaels props for stying the extensions in different ways, including my personal favorite, the single braid. (Readers note: I am not doing any links today because I am lazy and I am pretty sure that none of you click them anyway).
4. Ace talking about how he should have kissed up to Josh Brolin when he had the chance. Ace and Brolin were both doing a celebrity race in 2003 and Brolin wanted to have a beer with Ace after, but he blew him off. Now that Brolin is Oscar nominated and been in lots of critically acclaimed movies. Ace unfortunately still considered Brolin to just be the guy that was in Goonies. Big mistake.
5. Ace interviewed Danica Patrick, which was great for one very underrated reason: Ace has long held that female athletes are pushed on sports fans as being hot, even though they really cute at best. He once said that if you put Heidi Klum next to Danica Patrick you would never stop vomiting. He is completely right.
6. In the Jimmy Pardo episode he had some great thoughts about "To Catch a Predator", which was an amazing series. Carolla's point was that these dudes always show up looking like hell, even though they think they are about to have sex with a 15 year old. He's right: you think those guys would shave the creepy 'stache, lose the mullet and put on a clean t-shirt. But it is always the same story, they knock on the door, the girl invites them in and tells them to make themselves at home since she is finishing up the laundry. The dude just starts eating cookies and drinking tea in the living room waiting for the girl, with his backpack full of lube and 72 condoms. Most importantly, Ace wonders what in the world these guys are thinking lugging the 72 condoms around when they are in the 15 year old's house. Best case scenario they could expect a few hours alone with the girl, yet they come prepared for a week long orgy with the girl and 20 of her friends.
7. Ace continued on his plan to trick the Catch a Predator people. His plan is truly inspired, he would order a pizza and wait in a secret location to see what happened to the pizza guy. If nothing happens to him and its not a set up, you can have pizza with the 15 year old you came to see. If it is a set up, you can escape while the police needlessly tackle the pizza guy. He also would have some test phrases in the chats they always reference. His point is a solid one: if you started talking about the Jonas Brothers the girl should be into it. But once you say some filthy sexual thing to her and she reacts like she's into, it's a trap.
8. Ace made an appearance on Bill Simmons podcast, which is always a treat for me. Today's main topic was the new "Fast and Furious" movie, which seems to have exceeded Ace and Bill's hope for a enjoyably bad action movie. Ace had me laughing out loud at the gym when he was talking about Jordana Brewster's terrible performance by saying that when your acting is so bad as to be noteworthy in a film featuring Paul Walker and Vin Diesel, you have truly outdone yourself. He also said it was the type of movie that people will kick your seat in the theater if you aren't talking and making jokes throughout it. I saw we organize a group trip to see the movie. Who's with me? (We will probably have to limit this to the first 200 responders since we don't want to overwhelm the theater by having all my readers show up at once).
I hope that this entry has made up for my lack of posting lately. I have started keeping better notes about things because I listen to the podcast then completely forget what I wanted to say. But now I have post it notes in my car and desk drawer that will hopefully provide minutes upon minutes of entertainment to you all. Until next time, Mahalo!
Monday, April 13, 2009
More Hills, More Madness
Jessica is watching the Hills again. Wow, this show is terrible and completely nonredeemable. The show doesn't even pretend to be real anymore. Take tonight for example: Spencer (and his magically reappearing flesh colored beard) is having a night out with his equally creepy mustachioed buddy. They decide to go to the club and blow off some steam with a female bartender. Heidi gets talked into "trying to find" Spencer and lo and behold she finds him. I would guess there are at least 1000 bars in LA and she has no problem finding him. How are we supposed to believe that. Oh holy crap, I can't even make up how it ends:
Scene: Heidi and Spencer discussing last night (see above) and the waiter comes over and asks if they need anything else. Heidi says, "No, we're done." Now that is amazing editing. Heidi seamlessly conveyed the fact that she and Spencer were finished with lunch and that their relationship was finished. That is what we call symmetry.
I am a terrible blog writer. I started this on Monday and just posted it. I now understand why there are so few followers.
Scene: Heidi and Spencer discussing last night (see above) and the waiter comes over and asks if they need anything else. Heidi says, "No, we're done." Now that is amazing editing. Heidi seamlessly conveyed the fact that she and Spencer were finished with lunch and that their relationship was finished. That is what we call symmetry.
I am a terrible blog writer. I started this on Monday and just posted it. I now understand why there are so few followers.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
High Treason
Jessica is once again trying to win this bet by cheating. If you thought some of her earlier misdeeds were underhanded, this latest one will shock you.
I was in Tulsa last night (editors note: This was originally written on Wednesday, but not finished since I was too tired to be entertaining. Now I know you are all making a joke about how I must always be tired since I am never entertaining. That is not funny and truthfully a bit hurtful) for Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons. It was an amazing show by two incredible artists. I arrived home at about 1:00 am and went straight to bed. When I woke up, I started to tell Jessica about the concert and my evening. Jessica told me about her night and how she couldn't fall asleep. She said she decided to watch a movie to help herself fall asleep. Then we had this exchange:
G: What movie?
J: A boring one, so I could sleep.
G: Meaning what?
J: (pointing to the TV)
I then looked on top of the TV for what movie Jessica deemed an appropriate choice to fall asleep to. It's time to brace yourself: it was "The Hammer." I mean, how terrible is that? Not only is she insulting Ace's movie, but she was clearly leaving the DVD out to trick me into mentioning it while I was still drowsy from sleeping and not paying attention. I hope you all see what I am up against and how badly Jessica wants to win this bet. Fear not, I'm not going to let that happen.
I need to start keeping a list of things I haven't been able to say to Jessica. Off the top of my head there were the following this weekend:
1. Watching a car auction on TV at her friends house and wanted to talk about Ace's super garage and numerous cars;
2. telling her the terrible story from the guys that write "Drawn Together" about seeing his parents getting it on;
3. stories about Chris Hardwick's father being a professional bowler and being in a Miller Lite commercial;
and
4. discussion of Ace's new sitcom, which will co-star Windell Middlebrooks, from the Miller High Life commercials.
I am sure that after Jessica reads this she will be distraught once more. She has to realize how much amazing conversation she is missing, whether she admits it or not.
Hi Kaylan. Until next time, Mahalo!
I was in Tulsa last night (editors note: This was originally written on Wednesday, but not finished since I was too tired to be entertaining. Now I know you are all making a joke about how I must always be tired since I am never entertaining. That is not funny and truthfully a bit hurtful) for Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons. It was an amazing show by two incredible artists. I arrived home at about 1:00 am and went straight to bed. When I woke up, I started to tell Jessica about the concert and my evening. Jessica told me about her night and how she couldn't fall asleep. She said she decided to watch a movie to help herself fall asleep. Then we had this exchange:
G: What movie?
J: A boring one, so I could sleep.
G: Meaning what?
J: (pointing to the TV)
I then looked on top of the TV for what movie Jessica deemed an appropriate choice to fall asleep to. It's time to brace yourself: it was "The Hammer." I mean, how terrible is that? Not only is she insulting Ace's movie, but she was clearly leaving the DVD out to trick me into mentioning it while I was still drowsy from sleeping and not paying attention. I hope you all see what I am up against and how badly Jessica wants to win this bet. Fear not, I'm not going to let that happen.
I need to start keeping a list of things I haven't been able to say to Jessica. Off the top of my head there were the following this weekend:
1. Watching a car auction on TV at her friends house and wanted to talk about Ace's super garage and numerous cars;
2. telling her the terrible story from the guys that write "Drawn Together" about seeing his parents getting it on;
3. stories about Chris Hardwick's father being a professional bowler and being in a Miller Lite commercial;
and
4. discussion of Ace's new sitcom, which will co-star Windell Middlebrooks, from the Miller High Life commercials.
I am sure that after Jessica reads this she will be distraught once more. She has to realize how much amazing conversation she is missing, whether she admits it or not.
Hi Kaylan. Until next time, Mahalo!
Monday, April 6, 2009
The Week of Gregg
Well, I may be having a year without Carolla, but I have had an amazing last 4 days. It hasn't quite been equal to the "The Summer of George" but it has been good nevertheless.
It has included the following:
1. A UNC victory over Villanova;
2. An amazing concert by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons, that was accompanied by the perfect amount of Harp;
3. Baseball opening day;
4. Mail-Gate 2009 Part Deux (My favorite Part Deux since the Hot Shots! of the same title) at work on Monday to keep me entertained;
5. Jessica bringing me Charleston's for dinner;
6. Jessica bringing me my first Baja Blast with dinner;
7. Growing tired of Baja Blast and making my first "Wayneblaster" (which was pretty delicious even thought I didn't have any f'ing Smirnoff and had to settle for Kettle One);
8. Larry Bird's appearance prior to tip-off;
9. Jessica wearing her Fonzie jacket so I could make my super lame "Heyyy" joke as she walked in the door;
10; Jessica wearing her new William Fitzsimmons t-shirt as a good luck charm;
11. Watching UNC dominate MSU and win its 3rd Championship since I have been watching them, and concluding the season of my third favorite UNC team ever (behind 1993 and 1998) and the career of my 4th favorite UNC player behind , him, him and him.
And it will continue tomorrow as I am going to see Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons with Melissa.
I apologize for being such a slacker on the Carolla talk, but my drive to Ft. Worth was Carolla-free. I promise you that my drive to Tulsa will be full of wonderful Carolla talk, which means this blog will be back in full force by Wednesday.
Funny, before I even posted this blog my week has taken a turn for the worse. In the middle of "One Shining Moment", Jessica started to giggle and make fun of it for being cheesy. It has been known to get a bit dusty in my house during "One Shining Moment" especially when UNC is prominently involved. On the heels (pun intended) of that, Jessica stole the remote and turned on "The Hills." Yes, "The Hills", or as I like to call it, "The Reason The Rest of The World Hates America." Readers, just know that not even "The Hills" can bring me down tonight.
Until next time, Mahalo!
It has included the following:
1. A UNC victory over Villanova;
2. An amazing concert by Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons, that was accompanied by the perfect amount of Harp;
3. Baseball opening day;
4. Mail-Gate 2009 Part Deux (My favorite Part Deux since the Hot Shots! of the same title) at work on Monday to keep me entertained;
5. Jessica bringing me Charleston's for dinner;
6. Jessica bringing me my first Baja Blast with dinner;
7. Growing tired of Baja Blast and making my first "Wayneblaster" (which was pretty delicious even thought I didn't have any f'ing Smirnoff and had to settle for Kettle One);
8. Larry Bird's appearance prior to tip-off;
9. Jessica wearing her Fonzie jacket so I could make my super lame "Heyyy" joke as she walked in the door;
10; Jessica wearing her new William Fitzsimmons t-shirt as a good luck charm;
11. Watching UNC dominate MSU and win its 3rd Championship since I have been watching them, and concluding the season of my third favorite UNC team ever (behind 1993 and 1998) and the career of my 4th favorite UNC player behind , him, him and him.
And it will continue tomorrow as I am going to see Rosi Golan and William Fitzsimmons with Melissa.
I apologize for being such a slacker on the Carolla talk, but my drive to Ft. Worth was Carolla-free. I promise you that my drive to Tulsa will be full of wonderful Carolla talk, which means this blog will be back in full force by Wednesday.
Funny, before I even posted this blog my week has taken a turn for the worse. In the middle of "One Shining Moment", Jessica started to giggle and make fun of it for being cheesy. It has been known to get a bit dusty in my house during "One Shining Moment" especially when UNC is prominently involved. On the heels (pun intended) of that, Jessica stole the remote and turned on "The Hills." Yes, "The Hills", or as I like to call it, "The Reason The Rest of The World Hates America." Readers, just know that not even "The Hills" can bring me down tonight.
Until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Suckers
Well, at least of few of you fell for my April Fool's Joke, even if you guys didn't leave me comments. But yes, it was all a joke. I thought it was relatively funny and was delighted to trick a few people. The dream is still alive and Jessica is still on pace to owe me $1000.
The absolute best part was that I even fooled Jessica. Now you should be asking yourself, "How the hell did Jessica believe you when she knew you didn't actually say that." Well, I'll tell you. Jessica is always the first to read my posts since I write these as we sit just across the room from each other. After my most recent post, she looked up and said, "Wait, so that's it? You are giving up the bet?"
I said I didn't understand what she was talking about. She repeated her query. I looked at her, trying to suppress my laughter and keep my composure. I gently asked her if she remembered what day it was. Her face was immediately flushed, head in hands and laughing like a maniac. I figured that if I could fool her, who was one of only 2 people privy to our conversation, that I had a good shot at fooling you fine people. Hopefully I didn't cause too much of an uproar. I was worried that my dozens of followers would start a riot and shut down the internet. Thankfully that didn't happen. Lucky for me, my co-worker (and I emphasize co-worker) Amy isn't as big a deal as she thinks and hasn't expanded this blogs popularity just yet.
I can't believe that anyone doubted me. If I lose this bet, it won't be over Taco Bell I can assure you that. Now if Carolla did commercials for Chipotle, I would be completely screwed since I am obsessed with their burritos.
The dream lives on. Until next time, Mahalo!
The absolute best part was that I even fooled Jessica. Now you should be asking yourself, "How the hell did Jessica believe you when she knew you didn't actually say that." Well, I'll tell you. Jessica is always the first to read my posts since I write these as we sit just across the room from each other. After my most recent post, she looked up and said, "Wait, so that's it? You are giving up the bet?"
I said I didn't understand what she was talking about. She repeated her query. I looked at her, trying to suppress my laughter and keep my composure. I gently asked her if she remembered what day it was. Her face was immediately flushed, head in hands and laughing like a maniac. I figured that if I could fool her, who was one of only 2 people privy to our conversation, that I had a good shot at fooling you fine people. Hopefully I didn't cause too much of an uproar. I was worried that my dozens of followers would start a riot and shut down the internet. Thankfully that didn't happen. Lucky for me, my co-worker (and I emphasize co-worker) Amy isn't as big a deal as she thinks and hasn't expanded this blogs popularity just yet.
I can't believe that anyone doubted me. If I lose this bet, it won't be over Taco Bell I can assure you that. Now if Carolla did commercials for Chipotle, I would be completely screwed since I am obsessed with their burritos.
The dream lives on. Until next time, Mahalo!
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
The Dream is Dead....
I was just coming to make a post to call out all you douchers who don't leave me comments. Are you not entertained? That is especially directed to Yolanda. But then something terrible happened.
Faithful readers, our (or at least my)dream is dead. I slipped up today. And it is all Taco Bell's fault. Here's the story:
I was working late and had to go to the store after I got home. Jessica was also working late and offered to pick up dinner for us. She said she was stopping by Taco Bell and asked what I wanted. I asked for a Baja Blast for obvious reasons. Then I said this: "As Carolla instructed, I....want...to....eat...like....a...man." (As soon as I said instructed, I knew I was toast, hence the pauses, but still finished my thought). It was all because of Adam's commercial. I can't find the offending video, but I assure you it is terrible. I am just feeling a weird combination of shame and confusion right now. I am not exactly sure why it came out or how I have been so guarded for about a month then let the Bell get me.
I think I know how Mike Tyson felt in Tokyo. It may take a couple days to digest what happened, how I lost $1000 bucks and why I was so careless. Maybe I am just not a good gambler. I am sure some of my co-workers can attest to that.
This will not be the last post. I am not sure how often I will post in the future, or how many of you will even notice I'm gone. Hopefully at least a few of you will.
Until then, Mahalo!
Faithful readers, our (or at least my)dream is dead. I slipped up today. And it is all Taco Bell's fault. Here's the story:
I was working late and had to go to the store after I got home. Jessica was also working late and offered to pick up dinner for us. She said she was stopping by Taco Bell and asked what I wanted. I asked for a Baja Blast for obvious reasons. Then I said this: "As Carolla instructed, I....want...to....eat...like....a...man." (As soon as I said instructed, I knew I was toast, hence the pauses, but still finished my thought). It was all because of Adam's commercial. I can't find the offending video, but I assure you it is terrible. I am just feeling a weird combination of shame and confusion right now. I am not exactly sure why it came out or how I have been so guarded for about a month then let the Bell get me.
I think I know how Mike Tyson felt in Tokyo. It may take a couple days to digest what happened, how I lost $1000 bucks and why I was so careless. Maybe I am just not a good gambler. I am sure some of my co-workers can attest to that.
This will not be the last post. I am not sure how often I will post in the future, or how many of you will even notice I'm gone. Hopefully at least a few of you will.
Until then, Mahalo!
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