It's time to celebrate readers. Ace turns 45 today. To honor this occasion, let's all send Jessica e-cards to celebrate. Hopefully this turns out better than our last attempt at bombarding her with Ace videos. So please visit your favorite e-card site, find the most annoying card possible, and send it to Jess. (email me if you need her email address). Thank you in advance for all your help in annoying Jessica. I need to start taking pictures of her reactions to our friends commenting on the blog. She hates it so much and that warms my heart to no end.
Today's special video shout out is for Kaylan: Remember Kay, if the man wanted a small soda, he would have asked for a small soda.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Jessica wins and we all lose (Day 86)
Sorry for the long absence. As far as I can tell only my favorite reader, ACG, missed me. Yet another reason I need to move to Canada. Free healthcare, friendly people and awesome blog followers.
First the reason for the title: Ace's CBS pilot was not on the schedule for this Fall (Jess wins). I know I'm disappointed. Hopefully the other CBS shows will be garbage and Ace's show will be a mid-season replacement. Since they broadcast stuff like this and this, I think we have a good shot.
Ace had Dameshek on again, so you know it was awesome. To up the ante they decided to include Deaf Frat Guy in the conversation. I was never a big fan of DFG, but in this context he was awesome. Dameshek had a few moments that cracked me up. His first was his advice to the fellas on how to pick up ladies. He said it is key for the guy to tell the lady that she is too into him and it is creeping him out. His thought is that will confuse the lady and make you more desirable. I can speak from experience that it is true. Jessica's first words to me were to tell me to "F off" as part of a game I was playing with a juvenile friend. I turned and walked away and Jess came back to me later out of curiosity. Dameshek proves himself to be a genius once again.
The other thing about Dameshek that cracks me up is his use of old timey language. Ace was telling a story about how he attacked some random dudes harassing people in a mall. Ace thwarted their efforts and saved the local citizens. Dameshek's reactions was to ask Ace if he was in the newspaper with the headline, "Local teens take down rapscallions, local toughs." Whenever Dave talks like that it just cracks me up.
Dave and Ace also had a nice exchange where Dave played a woman that Ace was hitting on. Dameshek's delivery of "Hello there," was priceless.
Jess and I were watching The Soup and saw a clip of Brad Pitt promoting his new movie and Ann Curry made ridiculous remarks about the Jews in the movie. As a loyal Ace fan I immediately thought of Ace's constant talk about the difference in Jews. He says you have the domesticated North American Jew and also the Israeli commando Jew. Of course I couldn't tell Jessica any of this and enjoy a laugh together. This bet is really infringing on our ability to laugh together. In fact it is hurting us so much we have become complete nerds. We have become obsessed with LOST and it is threatening to ruin our lives. I swore I would never become this kind of person, but I have succumb to the foul mistress that is LOST. I am currently shopping for pocket protectors and mapping out alternate routes home so I don't get beat up by the local boys.
In other news, our friend and favorite Arthur Kade is continuing to tread new douchy ground. Every time that I think it is not possible to be any worse a human being than he already is, he proves me wrong. Now he is trying to be a low rent version of Tucker Max, except not smart or funny. It is time we organize and go to Philly to crush him once and for all.
On another personal note, I was saddened to learn today that my friend Trevor doesn't read the blog. I go out of my way to mention him and give him special video shout-outs and he won't even read. So disappointing. At least my other friends at work, Katie, Jason, Andy, David, Matt, Chris, Susan, Steve, Clint, Rocky, Curt and Beth, plus my co-worker Amy still read it. Thanks for your loyalty friends and co-worker. Please accept this video as my gift to you. Until next time, Mahalo!
First the reason for the title: Ace's CBS pilot was not on the schedule for this Fall (Jess wins). I know I'm disappointed. Hopefully the other CBS shows will be garbage and Ace's show will be a mid-season replacement. Since they broadcast stuff like this and this, I think we have a good shot.
Ace had Dameshek on again, so you know it was awesome. To up the ante they decided to include Deaf Frat Guy in the conversation. I was never a big fan of DFG, but in this context he was awesome. Dameshek had a few moments that cracked me up. His first was his advice to the fellas on how to pick up ladies. He said it is key for the guy to tell the lady that she is too into him and it is creeping him out. His thought is that will confuse the lady and make you more desirable. I can speak from experience that it is true. Jessica's first words to me were to tell me to "F off" as part of a game I was playing with a juvenile friend. I turned and walked away and Jess came back to me later out of curiosity. Dameshek proves himself to be a genius once again.
The other thing about Dameshek that cracks me up is his use of old timey language. Ace was telling a story about how he attacked some random dudes harassing people in a mall. Ace thwarted their efforts and saved the local citizens. Dameshek's reactions was to ask Ace if he was in the newspaper with the headline, "Local teens take down rapscallions, local toughs." Whenever Dave talks like that it just cracks me up.
Dave and Ace also had a nice exchange where Dave played a woman that Ace was hitting on. Dameshek's delivery of "Hello there," was priceless.
Jess and I were watching The Soup and saw a clip of Brad Pitt promoting his new movie and Ann Curry made ridiculous remarks about the Jews in the movie. As a loyal Ace fan I immediately thought of Ace's constant talk about the difference in Jews. He says you have the domesticated North American Jew and also the Israeli commando Jew. Of course I couldn't tell Jessica any of this and enjoy a laugh together. This bet is really infringing on our ability to laugh together. In fact it is hurting us so much we have become complete nerds. We have become obsessed with LOST and it is threatening to ruin our lives. I swore I would never become this kind of person, but I have succumb to the foul mistress that is LOST. I am currently shopping for pocket protectors and mapping out alternate routes home so I don't get beat up by the local boys.
In other news, our friend and favorite Arthur Kade is continuing to tread new douchy ground. Every time that I think it is not possible to be any worse a human being than he already is, he proves me wrong. Now he is trying to be a low rent version of Tucker Max, except not smart or funny. It is time we organize and go to Philly to crush him once and for all.
On another personal note, I was saddened to learn today that my friend Trevor doesn't read the blog. I go out of my way to mention him and give him special video shout-outs and he won't even read. So disappointing. At least my other friends at work, Katie, Jason, Andy, David, Matt, Chris, Susan, Steve, Clint, Rocky, Curt and Beth, plus my co-worker Amy still read it. Thanks for your loyalty friends and co-worker. Please accept this video as my gift to you. Until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Weird Week in Carolla
Enough with the t-shirt silliness, it's time for more Ace talk. It has been a strange week for guests, including a representative from Ford, the founder of the Adult version of Myspace, Brad Garrett and his buddy Chris. The Ford guy was mildly interesting but felt like late night Ford infomercial. The Adult Myspace guy was pretty lame and generally a pervert. His mission is apparently to give lonely men more access to porn. Considering the lack of porn on the internet, I think he is on to something. Ace is a big fan of masturbation so he enjoyed talking to the guy. Of course Ace is also the guy that Dr. Drew says is an addictive masturbater and always refers to masturbation being the real thing. I enjoyed Brad Garrett's podcast, but I can't remember much about the episode except for Ace saying that when his internet went out for 3 hours it felt like someone was F'ing him in the A for 3 hours. He is on to something though. I only got a cell phone 5 years ago and now can't live without it. Stuff like that, phone, internet, blackberry, are impossible to live without once you've had them. Ace also unveiled his theory about his why his buddy Chris never matured. He thinks that Chris got laid too early in his life and stopped caring about things other than girls at 15. The theory is solid though. The guys I knew growing up that had early success with the ladies are generally worthless at this point.
Now Chris was amazing. Faithful readers will recall Chris as the genius behind the Brewing Story. He and Ace have great chemistry and told some great stories about growing up. It is incredible that either of them is still alive. Chris talked about smoking crack like it was the equivalent of getting a latte. I think that Jessica would actually enjoy the Chris podcast. Unfortunately for her, she has no sense of humor and can't appreciate Ace's brilliance. I'm just amazed that Ace and Chris are still alive. All of their stories involve them being insane, fighting, living in horrific conditions and cheating death.
Jessica clearly has terrible tastes in comedy since she doesn't think Ace and I are funny. She does redeem herself by enjoying the work of our friend Arthur Kade. Aside from posting amazing videos this week, Arthur has set a new low. He decided to enlighten his many "fans" of his kissing preferences. There were a couple problems. Most notably his claim that he enjoys kissing women when he is so clearly gay. Even more disturbing was his retelling of his finest kiss, which occurred with a woman he paid $400. And not spent $400 as in took her to a nice dinner and play, but as in she was a stripper and he was in the champagne room. Now, let's break this one down for a second:
1. He paid 400 bucks to make out with a stripper. I can honestly say I am not a strip club guy, but my guess is that 400 can get you more than a kiss from a runaway with daddy issues.
2. How unspeakably sad is it to have your best kiss from someone you are paying? That's a little like calling your shrink your best friend. Sure, he's listening to you and seems interested, but you are paying him $150/hour to do it. He's not really your friend.
Arthur proves himself to be a giant tool for actually believing that a stripper liked him.
I really need to add another terrible show to the poll. Jessica is now watching So You Think You Can Dance, which aside from Cat Deeley is a terrible show. In fact, as I type this there are 2 dudes ballroom dancing together. One claims he is heterosexual (highly disputed) and the other is openly gay. Is there a huge shortage of girls who want to ballroom dance? It's just creepy. It didn't work in Blades of Glory and it didn't work on the show. I don't get the "straight" guy not finding a girl partner. From what I have seen on this show, the girl dancers are great looking and it takes tons of practice which gives you quality time with a hot girl. Oh no, I might have to do a live blog of this show at some point. There was just a girl dressed up like a cat doing Stars Wars shit like George Michael. (I think that just inspired me to have my next poll be about which Bluth had the best chicken dance)
I am too distressed to write anymore. So You Think You Can Dance is killing me. But I really need to address some issues I have at the work place. We were talking movies at work and someone asked why I liked "The Wrestler." I said because it was amazing and Mickey Rouke gave an amazing performance. He said he didn't think Mickey was that good. What? That is nonsense. This is the same guy that said "My Best's Friends Girl" was hilarious. I know, he is some sort of escaped mental patient. I am going to have to tackle this in a longer post at some point and maybe even start reviewing movies.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than you know. And just for my favorite Canadian, please enjoy a video featuring the one man who can challenge Kade to the doucher throne, enjoy.
Now Chris was amazing. Faithful readers will recall Chris as the genius behind the Brewing Story. He and Ace have great chemistry and told some great stories about growing up. It is incredible that either of them is still alive. Chris talked about smoking crack like it was the equivalent of getting a latte. I think that Jessica would actually enjoy the Chris podcast. Unfortunately for her, she has no sense of humor and can't appreciate Ace's brilliance. I'm just amazed that Ace and Chris are still alive. All of their stories involve them being insane, fighting, living in horrific conditions and cheating death.
Jessica clearly has terrible tastes in comedy since she doesn't think Ace and I are funny. She does redeem herself by enjoying the work of our friend Arthur Kade. Aside from posting amazing videos this week, Arthur has set a new low. He decided to enlighten his many "fans" of his kissing preferences. There were a couple problems. Most notably his claim that he enjoys kissing women when he is so clearly gay. Even more disturbing was his retelling of his finest kiss, which occurred with a woman he paid $400. And not spent $400 as in took her to a nice dinner and play, but as in she was a stripper and he was in the champagne room. Now, let's break this one down for a second:
1. He paid 400 bucks to make out with a stripper. I can honestly say I am not a strip club guy, but my guess is that 400 can get you more than a kiss from a runaway with daddy issues.
2. How unspeakably sad is it to have your best kiss from someone you are paying? That's a little like calling your shrink your best friend. Sure, he's listening to you and seems interested, but you are paying him $150/hour to do it. He's not really your friend.
Arthur proves himself to be a giant tool for actually believing that a stripper liked him.
I really need to add another terrible show to the poll. Jessica is now watching So You Think You Can Dance, which aside from Cat Deeley is a terrible show. In fact, as I type this there are 2 dudes ballroom dancing together. One claims he is heterosexual (highly disputed) and the other is openly gay. Is there a huge shortage of girls who want to ballroom dance? It's just creepy. It didn't work in Blades of Glory and it didn't work on the show. I don't get the "straight" guy not finding a girl partner. From what I have seen on this show, the girl dancers are great looking and it takes tons of practice which gives you quality time with a hot girl. Oh no, I might have to do a live blog of this show at some point. There was just a girl dressed up like a cat doing Stars Wars shit like George Michael. (I think that just inspired me to have my next poll be about which Bluth had the best chicken dance)
I am too distressed to write anymore. So You Think You Can Dance is killing me. But I really need to address some issues I have at the work place. We were talking movies at work and someone asked why I liked "The Wrestler." I said because it was amazing and Mickey Rouke gave an amazing performance. He said he didn't think Mickey was that good. What? That is nonsense. This is the same guy that said "My Best's Friends Girl" was hilarious. I know, he is some sort of escaped mental patient. I am going to have to tackle this in a longer post at some point and maybe even start reviewing movies.
Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than you know. And just for my favorite Canadian, please enjoy a video featuring the one man who can challenge Kade to the doucher throne, enjoy.
Enough is Enough
This post is mainly just making it so I don't have to see that pretty girl in that disgusting t-shirt at the top of the blog. I am really disappointed that a number of you that have decided it is funny to side with Jessica in this battle and are encouraging her by buying t-shirts. Especially you Melissa. This blog was dedicated to you, but I am now taking nominations for an alternate muse. I will remember your traitorous acts.
I am really excited about today's podcast. It features Ace's longtime buddy Chris (of "Brewing Story" fame) and promises to be full of good stuff. I promise I will have a lengthy update tonight.
Since this blog is the height of narcissism there is no reason not to mention my Twitter account too. You can sign up to follow me (gjlytle) so you can be the first to know when I update the blog.
Since this is the least entertaining entry ever, please accept my apologies.
I am really excited about today's podcast. It features Ace's longtime buddy Chris (of "Brewing Story" fame) and promises to be full of good stuff. I promise I will have a lengthy update tonight.
Since this blog is the height of narcissism there is no reason not to mention my Twitter account too. You can sign up to follow me (gjlytle) so you can be the first to know when I update the blog.
Since this is the least entertaining entry ever, please accept my apologies.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Team Jessica? I think not
Dear readers, our peaceful Carolla loving existence has been posed with a vile threat. Team Jessica. I was completely unaware she commissioned the above shirt. I walked into my kitchen and saw her giggling with delight, waiting for me to notice. I did not react well.
While she is a beautiful girl, that photo disgusts me. I cannot believe that she beat us to the punch with a shirt. Well, we are a strong nation and we will not let this threat stand. We need to make the shirt happen ASAP. Please submit me your ideas and your interest in a shirt. I will work on making it happen soon.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
2 Months, 1 Day to go
Happy Sunday my fine followers. Let me warn you in advance that this entry may be angrier than usual. As I type this, my Celtics are losing to the despicable Magic and the Mets are losing to the Giants (even grosser since they had the bases loaded with 0 outs and didn't score). Hopefully the Celtics will turn it around, although I don't have much faith since our backup forward has to wear a special headband to prevent concussions and looks worse with his shirt off than I do. That is not a great signal for success.
I had another moment this weekend when I really wanted to tell Jess an Ace story. And this time it would have even be logical in conversation. We were watching Role Models and there is a scene where Paul Rudd drives his truck off a tow truck. The scene seems insane unless you realize that Ace himself did this once. Ace came out to see his truck up on a tow truck for a chicken S reason. He tried to talk to the driver and convince him to take it down, but the guy was being a doucher and wouldn't do it. So Ace just drove off the truck. He must have been so proud that day. So as Paul Rudd was imitating Ace in the movie, I obviously wanted to tell Jess the story. But I refrained. Well maybe she will read this entry and get to enjoy the story anyway.
We had lunch with our friend Rachel today and she told me something that warmed my heart. She was telling me that her friend Ashley and her husband read the blog, which obviously makes me happy. But the best part was Jessica's reaction. As soon as Rachel mentioned it, Jess starting shaking her head. Then she put her head in her hands. The look of defeat was priceless. I could see her annoyance and I couldn't have been more delighted. Hopefully the blog will continue to grow and we can make my dream of site t-shirts a reality. I may need to consult Arthur Kade on how to grow a brand and gain followers to "The Journey." I realize my presence isn't as dynamic and my shoulders aren't as enormous, but maybe I can find half the success that he has.
I also must admit that I may be in the process of becoming a nerd.
1. I went to see Star Trek this weekend. It was really, really good.
2. I have been making fun of LOST nerds for years. Up until this morning, I had never seen a single frame of the show. But Jess and I rented Season 1 on DVD yesterday and watched the Pilot this morning. I have to admit, it's a great show. I am sure it will suck me in and I will start posting about it non-stop. I'm sure that would lead to new readers, but it's just not worth it.
3. I am really excited to see Transformers 2, G.I. Joe and even the new Harry Potter movie. (but I am still not as nerdy as Jess about Harry Potter since she is listening to the books on tape to remind her of the story in advance of the movie).
Obviously I am a little worried about where this is headed. I know I've never been the coolest guy, but if this keeps up the guys at work are going to start beating me up for my lunch money.
The Celtics are about to start the second half. Hopefully it goes better for my beloved C's in the second 24. I'm not really looking forward to LeBron destroying them in the next series, but I like how much pride they have shown. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!
I had another moment this weekend when I really wanted to tell Jess an Ace story. And this time it would have even be logical in conversation. We were watching Role Models and there is a scene where Paul Rudd drives his truck off a tow truck. The scene seems insane unless you realize that Ace himself did this once. Ace came out to see his truck up on a tow truck for a chicken S reason. He tried to talk to the driver and convince him to take it down, but the guy was being a doucher and wouldn't do it. So Ace just drove off the truck. He must have been so proud that day. So as Paul Rudd was imitating Ace in the movie, I obviously wanted to tell Jess the story. But I refrained. Well maybe she will read this entry and get to enjoy the story anyway.
We had lunch with our friend Rachel today and she told me something that warmed my heart. She was telling me that her friend Ashley and her husband read the blog, which obviously makes me happy. But the best part was Jessica's reaction. As soon as Rachel mentioned it, Jess starting shaking her head. Then she put her head in her hands. The look of defeat was priceless. I could see her annoyance and I couldn't have been more delighted. Hopefully the blog will continue to grow and we can make my dream of site t-shirts a reality. I may need to consult Arthur Kade on how to grow a brand and gain followers to "The Journey." I realize my presence isn't as dynamic and my shoulders aren't as enormous, but maybe I can find half the success that he has.
I also must admit that I may be in the process of becoming a nerd.
1. I went to see Star Trek this weekend. It was really, really good.
2. I have been making fun of LOST nerds for years. Up until this morning, I had never seen a single frame of the show. But Jess and I rented Season 1 on DVD yesterday and watched the Pilot this morning. I have to admit, it's a great show. I am sure it will suck me in and I will start posting about it non-stop. I'm sure that would lead to new readers, but it's just not worth it.
3. I am really excited to see Transformers 2, G.I. Joe and even the new Harry Potter movie. (but I am still not as nerdy as Jess about Harry Potter since she is listening to the books on tape to remind her of the story in advance of the movie).
Obviously I am a little worried about where this is headed. I know I've never been the coolest guy, but if this keeps up the guys at work are going to start beating me up for my lunch money.
The Celtics are about to start the second half. Hopefully it goes better for my beloved C's in the second 24. I'm not really looking forward to LeBron destroying them in the next series, but I like how much pride they have shown. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Worlds Colliding (Day 74)
As Constanza once said to Jerry, it's dangerous when worlds collide. That is exactly what has happened today. Stryker is on Charm School and the dude that plays Mike from My Boys (Jamie Kaler) was on Ace's podcast. Oh my. How in the world am I not supposed to comment on that? Jessica makes me watch My Boys and I can say it is the least funny sitcom ever. I have honestly laughed 3 times over the course of the entire series. I will laugh more on my hundredth viewing of Fire Birds (which is not a comedy) than I do at the entire catalog of My Boys. That's not good. My latest theory with My Boys is that they write down 3 lines of dialogue, put it in a hat, then pick it at random to film the scene. The show has no structure and ends segments without jokes and abruptly.
Jessica wanted to watch the new season of Charm School featuring the skanks of Rock of Love Bus and Real Chance of Love. As soon as Jessica saw Stryker on Charm School she was trying to goad me into talking about him since he replaced Ace on Loveline. Well, I shouldn't really say replaced, since Styrker is a complete tool. Anyway, the show has potential. It is always good times when crazy skanks compete for money by pretending to be ladies.
I have been meaning to talk about this for awhile. I have an embarrassing issue. When I am getting my iPod out and am primed to listen to Ace's wisdom I sometimes accidentally hit the enter button the home screen. Whenever I do that, my iPod plays the first song alphabetically. Readers, here is the embarrassing part. That first song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I know, it's horrific. I really need to find some band that comes before ABBA alphabetically. I defy anyone to think of a worse song to randomly start playing when all you want to listen to is Ace. Can't be topped.
Jessica is making me watch the 2 hour season finale of Grey's Anatomy. The only good thing about the show is that the red headed doctor and Pat Dempsey were in "Made of Honor" together and makes me think of this. And that is amazing. I want to make a list of things I would rather do than watch 2 hours of that terrible show (Is there a worse looking star of a major television show Meredith Grey?);
1. Hold every poisonous snake in the world at the same time. (I can't even watch snakes on television without freaking out).
2. Eat a combination of ranch, ketchup and mustard.
3. Hit myself with a sledgehammer until I pass out;
4. Only being able to listen to 98 Degrees music for the rest of my life;
and
5. Replicate every one of Kenyon Martin's tattoos on my own body.
I will never understand the appeal of the show. It is a whiny, unattractive chick complaining all the time. The hospital is like Bayside since it revolves around 6 people, except it doesn't even have the comedy of the random twins that are in every background shot. (By the way, is there some mechanism for finding those girls? Wouldn't it be amazing to be friends with them? I always wanted to find them and try to date one (even though they aren't attractive) just so I could say I did). The story lines are completely predictable and F'ed out. I mean, come on, how many traumas can happen in Seattle? I am still waiting for a comet to be on course for Seattle and the only thing that can save the city is Pat Dempsey's 5 o'clock shadow. That will probably be a 3 part special.
Wish me luck as I struggle through this crap. Until next time, Mahalo!
Jessica wanted to watch the new season of Charm School featuring the skanks of Rock of Love Bus and Real Chance of Love. As soon as Jessica saw Stryker on Charm School she was trying to goad me into talking about him since he replaced Ace on Loveline. Well, I shouldn't really say replaced, since Styrker is a complete tool. Anyway, the show has potential. It is always good times when crazy skanks compete for money by pretending to be ladies.
I have been meaning to talk about this for awhile. I have an embarrassing issue. When I am getting my iPod out and am primed to listen to Ace's wisdom I sometimes accidentally hit the enter button the home screen. Whenever I do that, my iPod plays the first song alphabetically. Readers, here is the embarrassing part. That first song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I know, it's horrific. I really need to find some band that comes before ABBA alphabetically. I defy anyone to think of a worse song to randomly start playing when all you want to listen to is Ace. Can't be topped.
Jessica is making me watch the 2 hour season finale of Grey's Anatomy. The only good thing about the show is that the red headed doctor and Pat Dempsey were in "Made of Honor" together and makes me think of this. And that is amazing. I want to make a list of things I would rather do than watch 2 hours of that terrible show (Is there a worse looking star of a major television show Meredith Grey?);
1. Hold every poisonous snake in the world at the same time. (I can't even watch snakes on television without freaking out).
2. Eat a combination of ranch, ketchup and mustard.
3. Hit myself with a sledgehammer until I pass out;
4. Only being able to listen to 98 Degrees music for the rest of my life;
and
5. Replicate every one of Kenyon Martin's tattoos on my own body.
I will never understand the appeal of the show. It is a whiny, unattractive chick complaining all the time. The hospital is like Bayside since it revolves around 6 people, except it doesn't even have the comedy of the random twins that are in every background shot. (By the way, is there some mechanism for finding those girls? Wouldn't it be amazing to be friends with them? I always wanted to find them and try to date one (even though they aren't attractive) just so I could say I did). The story lines are completely predictable and F'ed out. I mean, come on, how many traumas can happen in Seattle? I am still waiting for a comet to be on course for Seattle and the only thing that can save the city is Pat Dempsey's 5 o'clock shadow. That will probably be a 3 part special.
Wish me luck as I struggle through this crap. Until next time, Mahalo!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Ace's Movies
Ace had Bob Kosberg as a guest. Bob is known as the "King of the Pitch." He essentially gets ideas sold to Hollywood studios for movies and TV shows. It sounds like an awesome job. How amazing would it be if you job was to basically BS people into buying your ideas. I wish I had that skill.
When I am a eccentric billionaire, I am going to personally finance all Ace's movie ideas, including Pedif-Isle, To Hell and Back, Just One of the Gays, etc, etc. The way I figure it, if I had a billion dollars, I would allocate 100 million of my fortune to making Ace's movies. I have no doubt that his movies would make money. How could they not? If every terrible Nic Cage movie can be profitable, a hilarious action movie about an island of pedophiles would certainly make some cash. To anyone who hasn't seen Nic Cage's high kicking, strawberry gum chewing performance in Firebirds, I demand you watch it. It is transcendent. According to its VHS cover, it is also Sean Young's sexiest role, obviously a high standard. I hope you all wish me great financial prosperity so I can make all these films come true.
Since you all like the Slater v. Sanders match-up, I have a few more planned. Better lead singer of California Dreams, Matt Garrison v. Mark Winkle; more girlish throwing style, Nuke LaLoosh v. Kenny Powers. I am also open to suggestions, so please let me know what you want to see.
I have not listened to the latest podcast with Bald Bryan and T. I read on the Message Board that Bald Bryan announced he has a brain tumor. Hopefully they caught it early and that he has a great oncologist. Let's all keep him in our prayers. Until next time, Mahalo!
When I am a eccentric billionaire, I am going to personally finance all Ace's movie ideas, including Pedif-Isle, To Hell and Back, Just One of the Gays, etc, etc. The way I figure it, if I had a billion dollars, I would allocate 100 million of my fortune to making Ace's movies. I have no doubt that his movies would make money. How could they not? If every terrible Nic Cage movie can be profitable, a hilarious action movie about an island of pedophiles would certainly make some cash. To anyone who hasn't seen Nic Cage's high kicking, strawberry gum chewing performance in Firebirds, I demand you watch it. It is transcendent. According to its VHS cover, it is also Sean Young's sexiest role, obviously a high standard. I hope you all wish me great financial prosperity so I can make all these films come true.
Since you all like the Slater v. Sanders match-up, I have a few more planned. Better lead singer of California Dreams, Matt Garrison v. Mark Winkle; more girlish throwing style, Nuke LaLoosh v. Kenny Powers. I am also open to suggestions, so please let me know what you want to see.
I have not listened to the latest podcast with Bald Bryan and T. I read on the Message Board that Bald Bryan announced he has a brain tumor. Hopefully they caught it early and that he has a great oncologist. Let's all keep him in our prayers. Until next time, Mahalo!
Monday, May 11, 2009
Yet Another Oversight
Dear readers, I have to apologize once more for my sloppy drafting. After posting the great Slater v. Sanders debate I realized I left off a critical factor. I honestly cannot believe it slipped my mind. I am of course referring to "Inappropriate Relationships with Adults." And even though this doesn't change the results, it is important that we explore the topic.
Slater: Slater had a very close, sometimes too close, relationship with Bayside High principal Richard Belding. Who can forget the iconic episode when Mrs. B, tired of Mr. B's antics, kicks him out of the house. Does Mr. B go to a hotel? Friend's house? Of course not. He goes over to Zack's and buys the boys pizza. If I ever have a son and his principal wants to hang out in my son's room and buy him dinner, I'm calling Chris Hansen. Mr. B goes on to solicit dating advice from the boys, which is simply beyond creepy.
Slater had numerous heart to hearts with good old Mr. B, especially in the episode when he was going to have to switch schools. Throughout it all, Mr. B was inappropriate, creepy and constantly touching Slater's enormous shoulders and calling him "Son." That earns Mr. B a A in the creep department. (The crack about the shoulders is a nod to the biggest douche creep in the history of the world, Arthur Kade. He is quite proud of his shoulders).
Sanders: Steve had multiple adults in his life. Some, like Mr. Walsh, were appropriate. Some like Mrs. Teasley, the high school principal, were to push the story along. And then there is one that was just plain creepy, Nat. Nat ran the local diner, which the kids from West Beverly single handedly kept in business. Nat acted as father figure, sounding board and later even as business partner to Sanders. Nat's constant attempts at being friends with 16 year old Steve Sanders (even though Steve was 30 in real life) was just creepy. There is no compelling reason for a 40 year old to be friends with a 16 year old. That is just asking for trouble. It also never seems to bother Steve that he and his friends are Nat's only friends. Again, it's a bad sign that a 40 year old has no friends other than his 16 year old customers.
Decision: Advantage Slater. Nothing can possibly top Mr. B buying the boys pizza after the Mrs. kicked him out.
I also forgot to mention Steve Sander's steroid episode from his time on the track team. Just more evidence that Slater was the superior athlete.
Ace is co-hosting Loveline again this week. I am pumped for some good talk with Dr. Drew and lots of fodder for the blog. Until then, Mahalo.
Slater: Slater had a very close, sometimes too close, relationship with Bayside High principal Richard Belding. Who can forget the iconic episode when Mrs. B, tired of Mr. B's antics, kicks him out of the house. Does Mr. B go to a hotel? Friend's house? Of course not. He goes over to Zack's and buys the boys pizza. If I ever have a son and his principal wants to hang out in my son's room and buy him dinner, I'm calling Chris Hansen. Mr. B goes on to solicit dating advice from the boys, which is simply beyond creepy.
Slater had numerous heart to hearts with good old Mr. B, especially in the episode when he was going to have to switch schools. Throughout it all, Mr. B was inappropriate, creepy and constantly touching Slater's enormous shoulders and calling him "Son." That earns Mr. B a A in the creep department. (The crack about the shoulders is a nod to the biggest douche creep in the history of the world, Arthur Kade. He is quite proud of his shoulders).
Sanders: Steve had multiple adults in his life. Some, like Mr. Walsh, were appropriate. Some like Mrs. Teasley, the high school principal, were to push the story along. And then there is one that was just plain creepy, Nat. Nat ran the local diner, which the kids from West Beverly single handedly kept in business. Nat acted as father figure, sounding board and later even as business partner to Sanders. Nat's constant attempts at being friends with 16 year old Steve Sanders (even though Steve was 30 in real life) was just creepy. There is no compelling reason for a 40 year old to be friends with a 16 year old. That is just asking for trouble. It also never seems to bother Steve that he and his friends are Nat's only friends. Again, it's a bad sign that a 40 year old has no friends other than his 16 year old customers.
Decision: Advantage Slater. Nothing can possibly top Mr. B buying the boys pizza after the Mrs. kicked him out.
I also forgot to mention Steve Sander's steroid episode from his time on the track team. Just more evidence that Slater was the superior athlete.
Ace is co-hosting Loveline again this week. I am pumped for some good talk with Dr. Drew and lots of fodder for the blog. Until then, Mahalo.
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Ultimate Showdown (With special amendment)
I have been calling for an answer to this question for years. I have submitted it to Bill Simmons at least 5 times with no response and now I will take care of it. Simmons has explored some classic match ups, Cheers v. Seinfeld, Pacino v. DeNiro and Tubbs v. Rothchild. Well now it time for me to answer the ultimate match up: Slater v. Saunders
I am a huge fan of both Saved by the Bell and Beverly Hills 90210. I, like I'm sure all of you, have often wondered who the better sidekick was, Slater or Sanders. Well I'm here to answer the question once and for all with the sidekick decathlon. It consists of 10 events; Athletics, Competing for women, Style, Car, Ability to carry storyline, loyalty to star, unintentional comedy (nod to Simmons, since I don't want to steal Simmons ideas like the guy that ripped off his Ewing Theory and called it the Tee Martin Principal), curly mullets, success with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Special Skills. The judges are me and Bruce Jenner. Our decisions are not up for debate. Without further ado, let's get to it.
Athletics:
Slater: Slater was all conference in football, basketball and wrestling. Even competing in basketball and wrestling at the same time in the amazing episode where Zack tears his ACL. Slater had multiple offers for football and wrestling scholarships, survived detention to lead Bayside to a win over Valley and was the inspiration for me creating the greatest video game quarterback of all time on Madden 98. There is also evidence of Slater being an exceptional beach athlete as evidenced by the amazing Malibu Sands episodes. His only downfall being losing the obstacle course to Lisa Turtle in the members v. staff games.
Sanders: We never really see Steve participating in team sports, but he is an ace at beach volleyball. He is also shown to be a great flag football quarterback and golfer. His downfall is that his dad yells at him during the flag football game as his fraternity is falling behind (even with Brandon performing like the Wes Welker of Frat flag football). His dad also hurt Steve's chances by using juiced golf balls in their match with Barry Bonds. (I haven't thought about that in years; the irony of Bonds complaining about his opponent juicing).
Decision: Big advantage Slater.
Competing for Women:
Slater: Zack and Slater started as romantic rivals for Kelly Kapowski, who was every teen boys dream. Slater proved to be a noble opponent and stole a few moments with Kelly. Slater also a solid opponent at other points in the series, as evidenced by this. Slater proves worthy, but no match for Morris, which is what you want for a sidekick.
Sanders: Sanders and Brandon also competed for a Kelly, Kelly Taylor. She was Sanders first love, eventually stolen by Brando, which lead to some amazing acting from Sanders. After that, Sanders took the backseat to Brando and life was smooth.
Decision: Wash
Dress
Slater: Slater was always wearing tank tops, work out pants and colored jeans. All very solid, here, here and here.
Sanders: Steve was able to pull off an amazing combination of buttoned up silk shirts and strange pants. He also rocked some amazing hats and swim trunks. Seen here, here and here
Decision: Sanders
Car
Slater: We never really see Slater drive, except when he drives the weird drivers ed vehicle in the hallway.
Sanders: One of the first appearances of Sanders is him in his Vette. Classic California car for the classic beach guy.
Decision: Big Advantage Sanders.
Ability to carry Storyline
Slater: Most of Slater's best moments involved his athletic prowess. There was the dramatic episode where he thought he was moving to Hawaii and shared some nice moments with his father.
Sanders: Most of Sanders episodes involved his various misdeeds, either at school or running afoul of the law. He had the amazing ability to well up with tears for no particular reason, which was always wonderful.
Decision: Slight Advantage Sanders.
Loyalty to star
Slater: As shown above, Slater and Zack had their moments. In the end, Slater turns out to be his best friend, willing accomplice and buddy for life. Even though Zack always referred to Screech as his best friend, which was a terrible mistake. But there is this.
Sanders: Sanders and Brandon never came to blows, as far as I remember, and I am in no mood to look it up right now. The tensest moment between the two centered around Kelly, but Sanders eventually relented. They became so tight that they went on a cross country road trip to the Atlanta Olympics after Brando's tough break up with Susan, despite wanting to stay with his girl Claire. Now that is a buddy.
Decision: Wash
Unintentional Comedy
Slater: Most of Slater's comedy is derived from his hair and wardrobe. All of it is hilarious and amazing. But Slater's true gift was his terrible acting, calling Zack "Preppie" and his girlfriend "Mama." My favorite Slater line was when Jessie made some comment about what was in a women's genes, and Slater responded, "And I like the way you look in those jeans." And just because he dated Jessie, there is this!
Sanders: Sanders crying, trying to be serious and act upset always cracked me up. He was an underrated comedic genius, who always had a great line or reaction. And just since Slater got a video, here is one of his buddies musical performances.
Decision: Slight edge Slater.
Mullet
Slater: Dark curly mullet.
Sanders: Blond curly mullet.
Decision: Wash
Success with TAT
Slater: When he was competing for TAT, she looked like this.
Sanders: And when Sanders was competing for TAT, she looked like this. And I am pretty sure TAT wasn't on the "go team" during the Saved by the Bell years, but clearly was during the 90210 era.
Decision: Sanders, even though TAT cheated on him with Dylan and stole his club.
Special Skills
Slater: Amazing dancer, amazing drummer and provided the kick ass percussion for the Zack Attack. And I totally forgot that Slater was even responsible for creating his own verb, "Slaterinig a chair" for his penchant for always turning his chair backwards to sit, like a badass. And I swear on my life that last night after picking up our dinner in the shopping center where I had my unfortunate haircut, Blondie was sitting Slater style in a chair in the front window. I am not clever enough to make that up. I almost crashed the car I was so distracted.
Sanders: Shrewd businessman, budding con artist and pretty good dancer.
Decision: Both appeared on Dancing with the Stars, where Slater faired better. But the combination of Slater's dancing and musical ability is the trump card. Advantage Slater.
In the end, it is a close race, but Bruce and I have sided with Slater.
What do you all think? Agree or disagree? Take to the comments and let me know.
I am a huge fan of both Saved by the Bell and Beverly Hills 90210. I, like I'm sure all of you, have often wondered who the better sidekick was, Slater or Sanders. Well I'm here to answer the question once and for all with the sidekick decathlon. It consists of 10 events; Athletics, Competing for women, Style, Car, Ability to carry storyline, loyalty to star, unintentional comedy (nod to Simmons, since I don't want to steal Simmons ideas like the guy that ripped off his Ewing Theory and called it the Tee Martin Principal), curly mullets, success with Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Special Skills. The judges are me and Bruce Jenner. Our decisions are not up for debate. Without further ado, let's get to it.
Athletics:
Slater: Slater was all conference in football, basketball and wrestling. Even competing in basketball and wrestling at the same time in the amazing episode where Zack tears his ACL. Slater had multiple offers for football and wrestling scholarships, survived detention to lead Bayside to a win over Valley and was the inspiration for me creating the greatest video game quarterback of all time on Madden 98. There is also evidence of Slater being an exceptional beach athlete as evidenced by the amazing Malibu Sands episodes. His only downfall being losing the obstacle course to Lisa Turtle in the members v. staff games.
Sanders: We never really see Steve participating in team sports, but he is an ace at beach volleyball. He is also shown to be a great flag football quarterback and golfer. His downfall is that his dad yells at him during the flag football game as his fraternity is falling behind (even with Brandon performing like the Wes Welker of Frat flag football). His dad also hurt Steve's chances by using juiced golf balls in their match with Barry Bonds. (I haven't thought about that in years; the irony of Bonds complaining about his opponent juicing).
Decision: Big advantage Slater.
Competing for Women:
Slater: Zack and Slater started as romantic rivals for Kelly Kapowski, who was every teen boys dream. Slater proved to be a noble opponent and stole a few moments with Kelly. Slater also a solid opponent at other points in the series, as evidenced by this. Slater proves worthy, but no match for Morris, which is what you want for a sidekick.
Sanders: Sanders and Brandon also competed for a Kelly, Kelly Taylor. She was Sanders first love, eventually stolen by Brando, which lead to some amazing acting from Sanders. After that, Sanders took the backseat to Brando and life was smooth.
Decision: Wash
Dress
Slater: Slater was always wearing tank tops, work out pants and colored jeans. All very solid, here, here and here.
Sanders: Steve was able to pull off an amazing combination of buttoned up silk shirts and strange pants. He also rocked some amazing hats and swim trunks. Seen here, here and here
Decision: Sanders
Car
Slater: We never really see Slater drive, except when he drives the weird drivers ed vehicle in the hallway.
Sanders: One of the first appearances of Sanders is him in his Vette. Classic California car for the classic beach guy.
Decision: Big Advantage Sanders.
Ability to carry Storyline
Slater: Most of Slater's best moments involved his athletic prowess. There was the dramatic episode where he thought he was moving to Hawaii and shared some nice moments with his father.
Sanders: Most of Sanders episodes involved his various misdeeds, either at school or running afoul of the law. He had the amazing ability to well up with tears for no particular reason, which was always wonderful.
Decision: Slight Advantage Sanders.
Loyalty to star
Slater: As shown above, Slater and Zack had their moments. In the end, Slater turns out to be his best friend, willing accomplice and buddy for life. Even though Zack always referred to Screech as his best friend, which was a terrible mistake. But there is this.
Sanders: Sanders and Brandon never came to blows, as far as I remember, and I am in no mood to look it up right now. The tensest moment between the two centered around Kelly, but Sanders eventually relented. They became so tight that they went on a cross country road trip to the Atlanta Olympics after Brando's tough break up with Susan, despite wanting to stay with his girl Claire. Now that is a buddy.
Decision: Wash
Unintentional Comedy
Slater: Most of Slater's comedy is derived from his hair and wardrobe. All of it is hilarious and amazing. But Slater's true gift was his terrible acting, calling Zack "Preppie" and his girlfriend "Mama." My favorite Slater line was when Jessie made some comment about what was in a women's genes, and Slater responded, "And I like the way you look in those jeans." And just because he dated Jessie, there is this!
Sanders: Sanders crying, trying to be serious and act upset always cracked me up. He was an underrated comedic genius, who always had a great line or reaction. And just since Slater got a video, here is one of his buddies musical performances.
Decision: Slight edge Slater.
Mullet
Slater: Dark curly mullet.
Sanders: Blond curly mullet.
Decision: Wash
Success with TAT
Slater: When he was competing for TAT, she looked like this.
Sanders: And when Sanders was competing for TAT, she looked like this. And I am pretty sure TAT wasn't on the "go team" during the Saved by the Bell years, but clearly was during the 90210 era.
Decision: Sanders, even though TAT cheated on him with Dylan and stole his club.
Special Skills
Slater: Amazing dancer, amazing drummer and provided the kick ass percussion for the Zack Attack. And I totally forgot that Slater was even responsible for creating his own verb, "Slaterinig a chair" for his penchant for always turning his chair backwards to sit, like a badass. And I swear on my life that last night after picking up our dinner in the shopping center where I had my unfortunate haircut, Blondie was sitting Slater style in a chair in the front window. I am not clever enough to make that up. I almost crashed the car I was so distracted.
Sanders: Shrewd businessman, budding con artist and pretty good dancer.
Decision: Both appeared on Dancing with the Stars, where Slater faired better. But the combination of Slater's dancing and musical ability is the trump card. Advantage Slater.
In the end, it is a close race, but Bruce and I have sided with Slater.
What do you all think? Agree or disagree? Take to the comments and let me know.
Best of Carolla
Good morning everyone. Carolla put together a Best of Podcast for us all to enjoy. Here's the link. If you haven't been listening, this is a great opportunity to catch up. The best of podcast is the listening equivalent of what a person would be if you combined Larry Bird, Batman, Ghandi, Heidi Klum, Natalie Portman and Steve Perry. Which is a convoluted way of saying unspeakably awesome.
I have something big planned. I don't want to give too much away, but I have been working on a mega post which will answer one of the great unanswered questions of our generation. I promise you won't have to wait much longer, but it will be worth it. Until then, thanks for reading and spreading the word.
I have something big planned. I don't want to give too much away, but I have been working on a mega post which will answer one of the great unanswered questions of our generation. I promise you won't have to wait much longer, but it will be worth it. Until then, thanks for reading and spreading the word.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Charity Event
Readers, I need your help. Ace is having an auction to get to sit in on a podcast or take a tour of his super garage. Here's the link. This is the opportunity for you all to show how much you love me and help send me to California. Can you even imagine how amazing that would be? Getting to hang out with Ace would completely blow my mind. Please send in your donations and make my dream come true. I promise to give giant shout outs for all donations. And once this blog gets big time, I will take you all with me.
I've had some great suggestions for t-shirts. I am getting pretty excited about it. Jessica caught wind of it and she is not happy. My hope is that the shirts become a reality and that one day Jessica and I are walking down the street and see someone in one of the shirts. That would be the best day of my life.
I have a serious bone to pick with the Oklahoma City Thunder. They had a contest for one fan to get to go to NYC for the draft lottery. To enter, you had to say why you deserved to go in 7 words or less. Here are the finalists:
* Thunder rocks Loud City, New York's next
* I am Thunder loud and Oklahoma proud
* Gonna wear my Thunderwear in Times Square
Fair enough. Until you consider what my entry was: "Me in NYC equals Griffin in OKC." (Blake Griffin is the presumptive #1 pick). I don't mean to be immodest (despite the usual tone of this very self serving blog) but that is clearly better than the finalists. I am disappointed and may write a strongly worded letter to the Thunder management. But I am sure they will read it on the blog and be so embarrased and fly me to NYC immediately.
Keep the shirt ideas coming. Remember to vote about Dave. It is a close race and the world needs a definitive answer. Until next time, Mahalo!
I've had some great suggestions for t-shirts. I am getting pretty excited about it. Jessica caught wind of it and she is not happy. My hope is that the shirts become a reality and that one day Jessica and I are walking down the street and see someone in one of the shirts. That would be the best day of my life.
I have a serious bone to pick with the Oklahoma City Thunder. They had a contest for one fan to get to go to NYC for the draft lottery. To enter, you had to say why you deserved to go in 7 words or less. Here are the finalists:
* Thunder rocks Loud City, New York's next
* I am Thunder loud and Oklahoma proud
* Gonna wear my Thunderwear in Times Square
Fair enough. Until you consider what my entry was: "Me in NYC equals Griffin in OKC." (Blake Griffin is the presumptive #1 pick). I don't mean to be immodest (despite the usual tone of this very self serving blog) but that is clearly better than the finalists. I am disappointed and may write a strongly worded letter to the Thunder management. But I am sure they will read it on the blog and be so embarrased and fly me to NYC immediately.
Keep the shirt ideas coming. Remember to vote about Dave. It is a close race and the world needs a definitive answer. Until next time, Mahalo!
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
I'm Speechless...
So, Joe Rogan. Holy crap. He was Ace's guest recently and all I can say is holy crap. He is a complete maniac, albeit an entertaining maniac. But a complete maniac nevertheless. I had so much I wanted to tell Jessica about. Joe is obviously a big fan of the drugs. His most insane topic was how orca whales used to kill humans all the time. If I gave you a 100 years to guess where he went next, you still wouldn't get it. He claimed that US pilots used orcas as target practice during WWII (and that very well may be true). However, his next claim is simply madness. He theorized that orcas made a collective decision to stop attacking humans afterwords, since they were destroyed during WWII. It is very possible that human fatalities by orcas went down after WWII, but it is an enormous leap of logic to suppose that the reason is a conscious decision based upon the pilots killing whales at target practice. There can simply be no correlation between the two. It was terribly difficult to not talk to Jess about this.
Rogan went on to talk about how hallucinogenic mushrooms may be from alien worlds and brought to earth in order to communicate with humans. Again, holy crap. I respect that Rogan is a thoughtful guy, but good Lord, he is insane. But he was also on News Radio, which was a completely underrated and amazing show so I will let it slide.
My day featured some outstanding lunch conversation with my friends Trevor and Katie. We were talking about all the ridiculous shows we enjoyed as a child; Family Ties, California Dreams, Salute Your Shorts, Hey Dude!, Full House, Are You Afraid of the Dark? and GUTS amongst others. And if you clowns don't click on the links I am going to give up. Do you realize how much time that took me? And please don't ask for my version of the Family Ties theme song. If you think I am juvenile and absurd now, you should have seen me at age 9. It is fairly distrubing that I have almost instant recall of all of the above shows (and many, many more) but can't remember important things, like where I parked or basic legal concepts. I really wish there was a way to clear my brain of all this nonsense and remember important things. But maybe one day some person of importance will want to have an in depth conversation about California Dreams. If that ever happens, I will be very impressive and gain some economic advantage from my trivia.
Another funny thing. Katie, from above, has legitimately only seen 25 movies in her life (excluding Lifetime Originals). Aside from the problem of her seeing so few, is the problem of which ones she has seen. For instance, she has seen 3 Ernest movies (Camp, Jail and Saves Christmas) yet none of the Godfather movies. She mentioned that she saw Junior today and it was all too much for me. It is almost like she does this all on purpose and only sees the stupidest movies, at the exclusion of good ones just to upset me. I keep threatening to give she and her husband my entire DVD collection to correct this.
I still don't have any reader ideas for jokes to play on Jessica or shirt ideas. I really expect more from you fine readers. I have a lot of podcasts to catch up on. Lost of updates to come. Until then, Mahalo.
Rogan went on to talk about how hallucinogenic mushrooms may be from alien worlds and brought to earth in order to communicate with humans. Again, holy crap. I respect that Rogan is a thoughtful guy, but good Lord, he is insane. But he was also on News Radio, which was a completely underrated and amazing show so I will let it slide.
My day featured some outstanding lunch conversation with my friends Trevor and Katie. We were talking about all the ridiculous shows we enjoyed as a child; Family Ties, California Dreams, Salute Your Shorts, Hey Dude!, Full House, Are You Afraid of the Dark? and GUTS amongst others. And if you clowns don't click on the links I am going to give up. Do you realize how much time that took me? And please don't ask for my version of the Family Ties theme song. If you think I am juvenile and absurd now, you should have seen me at age 9. It is fairly distrubing that I have almost instant recall of all of the above shows (and many, many more) but can't remember important things, like where I parked or basic legal concepts. I really wish there was a way to clear my brain of all this nonsense and remember important things. But maybe one day some person of importance will want to have an in depth conversation about California Dreams. If that ever happens, I will be very impressive and gain some economic advantage from my trivia.
Another funny thing. Katie, from above, has legitimately only seen 25 movies in her life (excluding Lifetime Originals). Aside from the problem of her seeing so few, is the problem of which ones she has seen. For instance, she has seen 3 Ernest movies (Camp, Jail and Saves Christmas) yet none of the Godfather movies. She mentioned that she saw Junior today and it was all too much for me. It is almost like she does this all on purpose and only sees the stupidest movies, at the exclusion of good ones just to upset me. I keep threatening to give she and her husband my entire DVD collection to correct this.
I still don't have any reader ideas for jokes to play on Jessica or shirt ideas. I really expect more from you fine readers. I have a lot of podcasts to catch up on. Lost of updates to come. Until then, Mahalo.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Insomnia
You have my insomnia to thank for this entry. My original intention was to write this at 3 in the morning since I couldn't sleep. I eventually went to bed without writing anything, but I did take a bunch of notes for things to write. If I knew how to use a computer, I would have posted the piece of paper I wrote all this down on.
Jessica and I went to Dallas to see Dave Matthews this weekend. It was a great show, even though it rained most of the night. The most amazing thing was that we had reserved seats that theoretically should have been covered. One small problem was that we were literally one row away from being covered. It was terrible. The question I came up with during the concert was this: Is Dave Matthews a huge douche? I ask this because his fans certainly are. I am not sure what responsibility lies with Dave for this phenomenon but something must be done. Please vote and let your voice be heard. I am leaning toward giving him a provisional "Not a Douche" but it could go either way. I don't think it is his fault that a bunch of dorks think it is awesome to play acoustic guitar for the ladies.
The second thing was all the douchers who listen to Dave in the parking lot right before the show. That absolutely drives me insane. Can they not wait for the show? Do they have to let people know that they like Dave, even though we are all going to see him? I wouldn't watch old Carolina games in the parking lot before a game. I don't eat Mexican food in the parking lot of Chipotle before I get my burrito. So why would I listen to the band I am about to see. Jessica and I had a disagreement about this and I cannot see that I am wrong.
The strange cousin to the "listen in parking lot guy" is the "wear the t shirt of the band I am going to see guy." I think this person is just as bad. Hey buddy, I get it. You went to see Dave in 1999 before anyone else had ever heard of him and you are proving it by wearing the concert t-shirt. I assure you we are all duly impressed. Impressed that you are such a huge douche. I even saw some people wearing the current concert shirt at the show. This is madness and this must be stopped. Why doesn't everyone heed the advice of strangely bald Jeremy Piven in PCU. (pertinent part starts at 1:49).
The last thing I wrote down was my annoyance with all the Facebook narcissists. Much like the parking lot guy and the t-shirt guy, they feel the need to let you know everything about them, every 5 seconds. I am not at all interested in your 5 favorite movies, which Twilight character you are, or who some liar said you looked like whilst secretly trying to seduce you. I know, this blog is the height of narcissism. I understand that. But bear with me. I am using this as a creative outlet to annoy Jessica, which is a pretty noble goal, so I think that merits a pass. I trust that you will agree, since you are reading. ANYWAY, those people bug me. If you feel the need to update your status every 6 minutes, at least make it funny. No more, "Bill is laying on the couch..." or "Sue had chicken for dinner." Be creative and strange. Put things that couldn't possibly be true just to see if your friends really care. Try, "Pete just found out it wasn't herpes", or "Amanda thinks the coke I just snorted was really just baking soda. Bummer. Back to the kids." Readers, you are more clever than I and I trust you will be funnier.
On our road trip I was obviously foreclosed from speaking of Ace. There was one time that I really wanted to. We stopped for gas early in the morning that was right next to an open BBQ place. Jess inquired about what maniac could possibly want BBQ that early. It reminded me of Ace talking about a great BBQ place in LA and how he got there early one day and saw a fat guy waiting to get in. His point was that if you are heavy, you shouldn't show up to the joint at 10:45 if they open at 11. Just wait until 12 and blend into the crowd. I agree with Ace on that. If you are a really big guy, you don't want to be seen loading up at the buffet or walking out of the doughnut place with a box. You should be more secretive about your eating. This applies to other situations as well. Anytime you are the opposite of where you are going, just try to blend in. From my life the best example of this is all the people in law school that talk all the time and ask dumb questions. If you are an idiot, it's ok, just pretend you aren't and don't talk. I will never understand calling unnecessary attention to your shortcomings like that.
Sorry for the lack of awesome videos. I know that really upsets a few of you. Hopefully this makes up for it.
Jessica and I went to Dallas to see Dave Matthews this weekend. It was a great show, even though it rained most of the night. The most amazing thing was that we had reserved seats that theoretically should have been covered. One small problem was that we were literally one row away from being covered. It was terrible. The question I came up with during the concert was this: Is Dave Matthews a huge douche? I ask this because his fans certainly are. I am not sure what responsibility lies with Dave for this phenomenon but something must be done. Please vote and let your voice be heard. I am leaning toward giving him a provisional "Not a Douche" but it could go either way. I don't think it is his fault that a bunch of dorks think it is awesome to play acoustic guitar for the ladies.
The second thing was all the douchers who listen to Dave in the parking lot right before the show. That absolutely drives me insane. Can they not wait for the show? Do they have to let people know that they like Dave, even though we are all going to see him? I wouldn't watch old Carolina games in the parking lot before a game. I don't eat Mexican food in the parking lot of Chipotle before I get my burrito. So why would I listen to the band I am about to see. Jessica and I had a disagreement about this and I cannot see that I am wrong.
The strange cousin to the "listen in parking lot guy" is the "wear the t shirt of the band I am going to see guy." I think this person is just as bad. Hey buddy, I get it. You went to see Dave in 1999 before anyone else had ever heard of him and you are proving it by wearing the concert t-shirt. I assure you we are all duly impressed. Impressed that you are such a huge douche. I even saw some people wearing the current concert shirt at the show. This is madness and this must be stopped. Why doesn't everyone heed the advice of strangely bald Jeremy Piven in PCU. (pertinent part starts at 1:49).
The last thing I wrote down was my annoyance with all the Facebook narcissists. Much like the parking lot guy and the t-shirt guy, they feel the need to let you know everything about them, every 5 seconds. I am not at all interested in your 5 favorite movies, which Twilight character you are, or who some liar said you looked like whilst secretly trying to seduce you. I know, this blog is the height of narcissism. I understand that. But bear with me. I am using this as a creative outlet to annoy Jessica, which is a pretty noble goal, so I think that merits a pass. I trust that you will agree, since you are reading. ANYWAY, those people bug me. If you feel the need to update your status every 6 minutes, at least make it funny. No more, "Bill is laying on the couch..." or "Sue had chicken for dinner." Be creative and strange. Put things that couldn't possibly be true just to see if your friends really care. Try, "Pete just found out it wasn't herpes", or "Amanda thinks the coke I just snorted was really just baking soda. Bummer. Back to the kids." Readers, you are more clever than I and I trust you will be funnier.
On our road trip I was obviously foreclosed from speaking of Ace. There was one time that I really wanted to. We stopped for gas early in the morning that was right next to an open BBQ place. Jess inquired about what maniac could possibly want BBQ that early. It reminded me of Ace talking about a great BBQ place in LA and how he got there early one day and saw a fat guy waiting to get in. His point was that if you are heavy, you shouldn't show up to the joint at 10:45 if they open at 11. Just wait until 12 and blend into the crowd. I agree with Ace on that. If you are a really big guy, you don't want to be seen loading up at the buffet or walking out of the doughnut place with a box. You should be more secretive about your eating. This applies to other situations as well. Anytime you are the opposite of where you are going, just try to blend in. From my life the best example of this is all the people in law school that talk all the time and ask dumb questions. If you are an idiot, it's ok, just pretend you aren't and don't talk. I will never understand calling unnecessary attention to your shortcomings like that.
Sorry for the lack of awesome videos. I know that really upsets a few of you. Hopefully this makes up for it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
