The Silence is Over

I know I have made you all many promises over the past couple months. Specifically that I will write about Carolla and that it will be entertaining. I failed miserably on both fronts. When I did write something it was occasionally Carolla related, but rarely entertaining. Well, at this point, you know what you are getting, so don't expect anything interesting from me. But as an apology and show of good faith, I give you this for the holidays. I assure you the previous link isn't what you were expecting, so just click it.

Before I start, I do need to mention another reason I have been silent as of late. I was informed that my beloved Asteroid 4535 is actually my beloved bride. I felt so betrayed, since I was sure Asteroid was a loyal Ace fan. To find there was a traitor in our midst was disheartening. It is nice that she took the time to do some Carolla research and I think she is secretly a fan.

There are currently some shenanigans at my office. As they said in Rocky 4, what started out as a joke has turned into a disaster. There were a couple guys growing various forms of facial hair for the past few weeks. I didn't shave for a few days and someone asked me what was going on with all the guys having beards. I lied and said it was for a beard growing contest and that I was donating all the money to the Human Fund. This person was obviously not a Seinfeld fan and didn't understand my reference to George's made up charity. Well, now there really is a contest, but thankfully we have a real benefactor, not some figment of my imagination. I have come up with a great strategy to win the contest. I am going to have a week of novelty beards, including mutton chops, boy band pencil beard and just plain mustache. I think my variety will overcome my lack of ability to grow an actual nice looking beard.

The real reason I am writing is to have an outlet to discuss the most fascinating show in years: Jersey Shore. If you don't know about Jersey Shore, I feel sorry for you. It follows the adventures of Pauly D, Jenni ("JWOWW"), Angelina ("Jolie"), Vinnie, Ronnie, Sammi ("Sweetheart"), Nicole ("Snooki") and Mike ("The Situation") enjoying a summer at the Jersey shore. It is entirely unclear at this point if any of the nicknames were given by other people, but I suspect they are all self appointed. The Situation is the breakout character and really needs a documentary crew following him at all times so his behavior can be studied. He is the type of character that could not exist in scripted television, to the point that I would say no actor alive could portray him. He has an incredible ego, seeing as he nicknamed himself "The Situation" because of his abs, yet is so hurt and vulnerable when the girl he has known for less than 48 hours rejects his advances. It was the kind of emotion that would win an Oscar, assuming the Academy went back to rewarding good performances and not people that play gay, disabled or transgendered (or all 3 together) characters.

But the moment I really want to talk about happened last night, when a despondent Ronnie left the club after Sammi gave her number to another man. He was so upset that he decided to lay down in his bed, above the covers, in only a towel. When Sammi came home to talk to him, he got out of bed, adjusted his towel and had a heart felt conversation with her. Would it have been too much to ask for him to put on some board shorts prior to the conversation? Secondly, who sleeps in a towel? That cannot be comfortable. To top it off, this emotional conversation was taking place as Sweatheart was removing her hair extensions. As explained to Nic Cage's character in 8MM, some things you just can't unsee. That scene is one of those things. I will always remember where I was when two drunk idiots poured their hearts out to each other in grunts, whilst wearing a towel and removing hair extensions saying "like" at least 50 times. It's the kind of moment that makes you re-evaluate your life and start questioning the choices that have led to you watching this type of nonsense. I probably need some professional help.

I hope I get some credit for referencing 2 movies that could not be more opposite. Rocky 4 was brilliant in every respect, especially the scene where Rocky drives his Lambo as images of Apollo flash in his mind. On the other hand 8MM is creepy and terrible, mainly since it features my arch nemesis Nic Cage. The only good scene he ever filmed was in Firebirds. And yes, I would like some strawberry gum.

Scene from a bad movie

I dedicated my last post to the failure that is Tucker Max's movie. Well, now there are scenes online, posted by the creators. Keep in mind that they felt this was a great scene, otherwise there is no use in releasing it.

Bad movie clip

If you like the clip, we cannot be friends. It's just that simple.

Now to cleanse your palette, enjoy: Perfection. This was the first song they played at their OKC concert. I could not have been more delighted. Especially since the new lead singer bought Steve Perry's voice, clothes and haircut from 1984.

Tucker Max doesn't like questions about Carolla

At the outset, I must apologize for my lack of posting. It's pretty embarrassing how long my posts take me, considering they are often devoid of anything funny and/or interesting. Plus, I have more at stake now, since if I piss Jessica off by writing about my opinions of her choices in television and movies, I'll end up sleeping on the couch. I'll ease back into writing more frequently and hopefully you'll end up enjoying it.

And now for my Tucker Max story: If you don't know who he is, a little background. He gained a modest amount of internet fame for a story involving an ex-girlfriend after she sued him to remove the story from his site. He won the case and made some headlines since it was an early 1st amendment case involving the internet. He parlayed that fame into a book and a long line of doucher fans. He now has a movie. Tucker's promises of the movie included that it would be a revolutionary comedy, feature no hijinks, an original story, fully formed characters and be a box office hit. Tucker also frequently commented that his movie would top any box office number The Hangover could do. Of course, The Hangover has gone on to be the biggest R rated comedy ever.

I followed the movie production blog and was excited to see that Tucker would be traveling to Norman amongst his 31 city tour to premiere the movie. The movie looked terrible based on the script and trailer, so needless to say I couldn't wait for it. My love of bad movies has long been chronicled on this page and Tucker's seemed poised to join the pantheon.

Here's the set up: the premiere featured Tucker and writing partner Nils Parker (doing an opening, plus aftershow Q&A), plus a free shirt, beer glass, bumper sticker, movie poster, bag, pen, bottle opener and a WWTD wristband, plus movie admission for $10. So basically for the price of an evening movie. I was ecstatic over the possibilities.

Before I get to my review of the movie, here's the Carolla story: After watching the movie, I wanted to ask a question about a scene where the Tucker character says the title of the movie, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell, at what is supposed to be the climatic scene, where Tucker realizes the error of his ways. Carolla has long insisted that this is the tell tale sign of a bad movie, that a character says the title in an obvious way. (See my post about The Ugly Truth). So, I stood up to ask about it, but didn't get to finish my question, because as soon as I said it was Carolla's theory, Tucker freaked out and started making comments about how bad Carolla's movie was and how it didn't make any money. I didn't even get to mention how Nic Cage's character dramatically says he wants to take John Travolta's face....off in the movie Face/Off! Of course his reaction had nothing to do with my question and just illustrated how insecure Tucker really is. The amazing part was that he went on to list how his movie is so different than every other Hollywood comedy. Problem is it is a completely derivative movie. The premise is a bachelor party, something goes wrong, a lesson is learned and the lead saves the day. Not exactly original. Plus one of his friends falls for the stripper with the heart of gold. (his friend is also the most insecure, woman hating person in the movie; He thinks all woman are whores, yet falls for the stripper after insulting her for 20 minutes. We are supposed to believe this is realistic since the stripper says she didn't cheat on her baby daddy?) There is also scene in which a character mentions a scene from Wedding Crashers, then proceeds to put eye drops in Tucker's beer, just like Wedding Crashers. Then we get to see the results of the prank. When I say see them, I mean that literally. They literally show the dude's butt as it is spraying poop. Very classy. Plus I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as being original when you steal a bit from a movie and just add seeing actual shit instead of just seeing a guy in the bathroom.

My review of the movie: It is flat terrible. And not terrible in a fun, let's watch it on cable and crack jokes with buddies kind of way. It's just bad, unfunny and poorly done.

Lastly, Tucker made fun of how bad Carolla's movie was. Just for comparision's sake, here's the Rotten Tomatoes links to each:
Carolla
Tucker

I'll take Carolla's 71, vs. Tucker's 22 and falling any day. I suggest you avoid the movie at all costs.

Jess and I have tickets to Journey next week. Expect a lot of posts involving this.

Recent Movie Review

Jessica and I decided to go to the movies this weekend. We did not choice wisely. We opted for the 5:15 showing of "The Goods." Mistake No. 1.
Mistake No. 2 was arriving far too early for the movie. Instead of sitting in the theater, I recommended that we sneak into a nearby theater to enjoy part of another movie while we waited. Now sneaking into the movie by itself isn't a mistake, but the movie we chose certainly was. We went into "The Ugly Truth." Holy crap, it's awful. But in a weird way it is Carolla related since the star of the pile of crap, Gerard Butler, visited Carolla's radio show to prepare for his role. He sure didn't absorb any comedy while he was there because the only funny moment that we saw was when Katherine Heigel's character said, "Well, I guess the truth is ugly." Holy crappy pun. All hell broke loose when I started to laugh uncontrollably. Jessica has never been more embarrassed by me then she was in that moment. She told me that the rest of the theater had invested 90 minutes with the movie and I shouldn't be an ass (her words) and laugh at it. I told her that if people were stupid enough to buy a ticket to the movie, they should expect people to come in midway through and goof on it. She said if I laughed one more time, she was going to make me get up. (While we are at it, please give me credit for resisting the many opportunities for puns that two terrible movies called "The Ugly Truth," and "The Goods" provide). The end of the movie was so predictable that I bet Jessica $10,000 what it would be 10 minutes before it happened, and I was right. Too bad that it was so obvious only a fool would have doubted what was about to happen.

"The Goods" is legitimately one of the 10 worst movies I've ever seen. Terrible writing, stupid story and an even worse Will Ferrell cameo. It is a mess of a movie and I honestly cannot imagine how it could have been worse. I like Jeremy Piven, but who does he think he is fooling with his hair plugs. Come on. The guy was bald when he was cast to play George on "Jerry", Seinfeld's show within a show. Here's proof.
I know none of you follow my advice when I tell you to listen to Journey and watch basketball games from 25 years ago, but please heed my warnings. Do not see "The Goods". Act as if "The Goods" is a mogwai and that seeing it is like feeding it after midnight.

Did you all click on that Journey video? Please tell me you did. It's truly magnificent. If you're still unsure, just know that Steve Perry has a scene where he shaves his mustache with the most disappointed look possible on his face. Enjoy!

Actual Carolla Talk

I know you have all been missing my Carolla talk. At least I hope at least some of you have. I've decided to return to my roots on this blog and start writing about the magic of Ace once more. Sure, it will cause some marital strain, but she knew what she was getting into by marrying me.

One of the recent highlights of Ace's podcast was his story about his wife's obsession with Bruce Springsteen. Ace is constantly complaining that his wife doesn't cook, sew, clean, etc., and he has a plan to change all that. He wants to pay Bruce a huge amount of money to do one of his long winded song intros and talk about how he had a girlfriend that didn't do any cooking or sewing and how it was the reason they broke up. Bruce then should encourage all the ladies in the audience to make sure they take care of their man by performing those tasks. (Then Bruce goes into the song, 2, 3, 4). Ace is convinced that his wife would immediately run to the store to buy a sewing machine. This is just inspired stuff. I'm thinking that I need to convince the writer of a certain series of novels involving teenage vampires to do the same thing for Jess. If this writer of a series of books involving the forbidden love of a human and a vampire, who shall remain nameless, could include passages about how cooking for your husband is the ultimate expression of love, I'm pretty sure Jess would do it. You see dear reader(s?), Jessica "allegedly" enjoyed the 4 part series of the supernatural teenager and his human girlfriend, which again, must remain anonymous, so much that if I just typed up some pages and glued them into one of the books, she would be so enthralled she may not even notice. I'll work on the some passages to add to the book and report back with the results.

Jerry O'Connell was a recent guest on the show. Jerry is the kind of guy that every guy is trained to hate from an early age. He's funny, good looking, reasonably talented and most of all sleeps next to her. My natural instinct is to call him, in the words of Dameshek, JERK! (laser sounds). But I just can't hate the guy. Well done good sir is all that can be said.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Another fun fact

Since you all seemed to enjoy my secret fear of seeing a robbery in progress at Blockbuster, I thought I'd share another odd fact about me. I revealed for the first time today that the reason I order the 6 inch sub at Subway instead of the footlong has nothing to do with my appetite or being on a diet. The reason why is quite simple: I don't want them to have to cut my sandwich. Let me explain: when you order the footlong they cut the sandwich using the knife that they use for everyone else. So we all know what that means: When the gross guy in front of you orders a sandwich with extra ranch and mayo, they cut it with the knife. God forbid they cleaned the knife between sandwiches. Even if they did, it would still gross me out. But since they don't clean it, it makes me sick and I wouldn't dare eat the sandwich since there would be mayo/ranch residue on my sandwich. I told Jessica about this and it seemed pretty clear that she was dismayed by this information. There are just some things that you can't reveal prior to marriage and my unnatural fear of a shared utensil is on that list.

I may have to make this a running segment on the blog. Trust me, there is a wealth of material since my neurotic tendencies no almost no bounds.

Carolla related update coming soon, along with more hilarious Journey videos, since I'm sure you've missed them. Until then, Mahalo!

Are you sure Ed's not gay?

ummmm..... yikes.

Wow, that removes all doubt right? I have no words.

The Live Blog Returns

Since Melissa requested it, here is the live (DVR) blog of The Bachelorette finale.

The promos keep telling me that this will be the most exciting finale in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. Of course they say that every time and the finales are usually weak. If this one answers the following questions it will actually be the best ever:
1. Is Jillian good looking? That is really the burning question this season. I can't figure it out, but I think I'm leaning towards her not being good looking. My assessment: nice chassis, bad helmet.
2. Is Ed really gay? I'm clearly in the yes camp. Someone told me that there is a rumor Ed has a girlfriend. Substitute girlfriend for boyfriend and I believe it.

Since we have the benefit of DVR, Jess and I will be flying through this episode. I hope you enjoy my running commentary more than Jess will.

I just finished some ice cream, have Izzy by my side and I'm ready to go:
(All times reflect DVR)

8:37: Recap of previous episodes. Blah, blah, blah. Jillian looks cute, then gross, then cries, Gay Ed talks about how important his parents are (which is a sure sign he's gay. No man over 30 really cares that much about his parents, no offense mom).
lots of fast forwarding...
8:50: more recapping, Jillian talking about all the drama, looking solemnly at the beach.
8:51: Jill talking about Ed's peen not working again. I hope they gave him a pile of money to consent to her constant references to his peen not working. Ed not helping his case by wearing a pink shirt unbuttoned far too low.

8:52: Ed claims to be excited but looks like he just found out Queer Eye was canceled. By the way, he walks super gay.

8:53: I wish I could figure out a time stamp, this is difficult. Jill's mom = not cute; that doesn't bode well for Jill's future. How did her cousin get the invite? She has barely spoken and I already hate her.

8:54: Ed recaps why he left, lies and says it is about his job, when it is really about him being gay. Seriously, if he's not gay, I don't know anything.

8:56: Jill's mom got on Wikipedia ala Micheal Scott for her interrogation techniques. Really bad questions. Ed answers like he is a contestant in "Mr. Gay ABC Reality Show Contestant."

8:57: Jill is fired up to be engaged. I'm pretty sure it doesn't matter who asks, she is saying yes.

8:59: Ed's making eyes at Jill's dad. He is officially the creep of the week. Ed talks about wanting to propose. He has spent 4 hours with her alone. That is insane.

9:00: Ed crosses his leg like a lady. Seriously. I'm 100% on him now.

9:01: Random cousin stealing screen time. Ed in coconut bra: What the hell is going on here. My head might explode before I finish this blog.

9:02: Jessica says she wants to nominate me as the next bachelor so I can be part of a great TV show.

9:03: Kiptyn's date: lots of making out. They look weird kissing. His shirt is terrible. Another missed kiss. Get on the same page you two.

9:04: Family date 2: Jill hugs everyone like she hasn't seen them in months, when she just saw them. I guess they didn't commit to the order of dates. Kiptyn sounds a little gay. Hmmm, sensing a theme. Jill's dad has the same outfit and same Oakley glasses everyone had in 1994.

9:06: Jill's mom is facing forward, then turns her head to talk. It's freaking me out. Can't she turn her body towards him? Just incredibly awkward.

9:07: Cousin trying to steal scenes again. If I was Jill I would not have invited my better looking, attention starved cousin. I wish I could be on things like "Jill's crazy cousin made a pass at one of the cameramen for more screen time."

9:09: more making out. They really need to practice. Their kissing is truly uncomfortable.
fast forward....

9:10: recap dates: Cousin stealing time, just said "work orientat-ated" I love how Canadians pronounce things. Jill is lighting up about Ed asking to marry her. She so clearly wants a husband. That's not going to work out.

9:12: "looking for the right one to live the happily ever after with." The Cousin is awesome.

9:13: 1 on 1 with Cousin. Jill's going to talk about Ed's peen. Mark it down.

9:14: Yep, I win. She sparred his feelings a bit. Jill asks for a lightning bolt to help her decide, what she really needs is a boom box. Start playing The Village People and watch Ed rip off his shirt and dance. That's your sign.

fast forward:

9:15: Another pink shirt for Ed. Same ringer tank top. I can't take this anymore. Seriously.

9:16: Ed leans over, gives the gayest look possible. I can't stop laughing. Jessica pauses to allow me to capture the moment. The spot she paused adds another one to the "Jillian is not cute" column if you're scoring at home.

9:17: Jill and Ed in helicopter. She says "pumped" and "huge" over and over. Coincidence?

9:19: Special waterfall date: Ed says she could be one of his best guy friends: again, he's seen her for 5 hours at this point. Stop telling her what she wants to hear. He's gonna break her heart. Mark it down.

9:20: more lines to Jill. She's eating it up.

9:21: F me. Ed's wearing those f'ing short shorts again. Buy him some f'ing shorts ABC.

9:22: more talk of Ed's performance issues. Geez, these two need to stop making out. It's gross. I really think Ed is full of crap. It's one line after another.

9:23: Lights out, cut to volcano eruption. Very subtle ABC.

fast forward....

9:23: Kiptyn is better since he was appropriate shorts. Jill's one piece shirt/shorts one piece combo is awful. Weird Canadians. Jess says she had something similar when she was 4.

9:24: Kiptyn does lots of sit ups. Not sure how he has time for a job. Jess makes a good point: Jill likes Kiptyn since he's out of her league.

9:25: "Out in the middle of nowhwere" says Kiptyn. Sure, except for the 15 production/camera guys. Real intimate.

Sidebar: do you think that Jill sleeps with all these dudes? The production makes you think so, but I have my doubts.

9:27: Kiptyn needs to tell Jill to pick the heterosexual. That is what I would say if I were on the show.

9:28: Jill is swooning. Again, she wants to be married. "The things I've been waiting to hear" is the phrase of the night. I'm pretty sure I could meet her, tell her I love her and want to have hundreds of babies and she would be ready to marry me 5 minutes later.

9:29: Kiptyn tells us you have to be madly in love to propose. Glad he let us know. I wish I knew that when I proposed to Jessica.

9:31: Jill really needs a push up bra. I'm not trying to be rude, but goodness. It's absurd.

9:32: Jill doesn't love that Ed left her. Again, good to know. But Ed promises it won't happen again, so she believes it. In related news, I just sold Jill magic beans for 10 grand.

9:33: Kiptyn must own stock in a V-neck t-shirt company. He's selecting rings. I hate when they pretend they are buying the ring. We all know ABC foots the bill.

9:34: Ed may not be gay. He just used the same lotion on his face and arms. No gay dude would do that. What happens if they pick the same ring?
Ed picked a terrible ring. I may have been way off on the gay thing.

9:35: Kiptyn in a towel. He's going to dump her so he has more time for sit ups.

9:36: Ed in more short shorts. I'm going to send him some board shorts.

9:37: I will never understand how 2 dudes can show up and both want to propose. If Jess was dating another dude when she was dating me, I wouldn't have proposed the second she picked me. I wish someone would be honest about the process.

9:38: Harrison shows up for 5 seconds. He probably gets paid 6 figures per second of screen time. I want that gig.

fast forward...

9:39: My dream scenario: whoever she picks says he can't do it and leaves. That would be awesome.
Kiptyn is first out of the limo. His suit looks purple. He shall now be referred to as Grimace from here on out.

9:40: She looks happy to see Grimace. I don't believe it though. Kiptyn does a recap, which would be helpful if the past hour hadn't been a recap. Kiptyn spills his guts. Didn't he learn from Jason, don't commit until she picks you. Otherwise you look like a creeper.

9:41: Jill gives him a glowing review; I feel a giant but coming.... tears and BAM. She tells him she's in love with someone else. Grimace is not happy. But he's a man. Too bad he isn't 40. (OSU joke).

9:43: Jill is not talking this well. Grimace should push her in the pool. Again, that's what I would have done. Grimace drives away in the rejection limo. Tough day for cartoon mascots. Does he get to keep the ring? I would sell that thing.

9:44: Grimace recaps. Again, he should have just stood there, said, "What's it gonna be?" and waited to see if it was him.

fast forward....

9:46: Jill is excited to see Ed. She's even more excited to be engaged. Oh no. Red minivan. Reid's back. He's back to save her from the gay dude. Harrison claims Ed is literally on his way. BS.

9:48: Reid's rocking sneakers with a suit jacket. Not sure about that look. He claims he's going to propose. Why is she crying? Uh oh. Things just got interesting. Looks like ABC wasn't blowing smoke up my A by promising a dramatic finale.

9:49: Jessica is misunderstanding TV again and instructing Jill to pick Reid. He had to pull "a million strings" to be back. Or actually just make one call. Either way.

9:50: Reid says he was an idiot. I'm losing respect. He was normal, didn't tell her what she wanted to her, but came back to say he loves her. Poor Jill. 3 potential proposals. She can barely contain her glee.

9:51: So we are to believe she was ready to say yes to Ed, but Reid "unexpectadly" returns and it all changes? Shenanigans. Jill uses the word "undescribable." Yep, it's so undescribable that she just made up a word.

9:52: Yeah, Reid passed 8th grade and says "indescribable." Much better. Where's Ed? I want him to show up and try to beat up Reid.

9:53: Reid is on one knee? WTF? She makes him stand up. If only Reid was wearing uncomfortably short shorts.

9:54: Jill needs to think. Should she pick the nice, seemingly normal guy. Or the possible homosexual who loves short shorts, pink shirts and Judy Garland records. I only made up one of those.

fast forward...

9:56: Ed still driving to the location. Did his driver pretend to get lost? Oh, Harrison's back. Time to earn that money. I think Harrison could sway this one way or the other. I enjoy Harrison.

9:57: Jill wonders how to make a decision like this: easy, pick the one you like. Jill adds some more to the "Jill's not cute column."

9:58: Good to see they sprayed the walk way down again. That's why Reid is wearing sneakers. He didn't want to slip on the wood. Jill fell in love with someone in the 3 days since Reid left. Gross.

9:59: Jill's excited for Ed. Looks like big gay Ed is the winner. Jill is crazy about Reid, but still letting him go. She wonders if it is wrong. Yes, yes it is. If you "love" two people, you don't love any. Like the old saying with QB's, if you have 2, you really have 0.

10:00: Reid takes it well. He's your next bachelor America. She clearly likes him. I'm excited for October's US Weekly with the cover story about them being together and Ed living his dream of owning a Bed and Breakfast in Modesto with his partner Sergio.

10:02: What's up with the minivan? Did they blow the budget on all the helicopters this year. Super weak.

10:03: I'm sure Ed loves watching the woman he proposed to cryng sending other dudes home. Very similar to when I proposed to Jess. Jess was crying for very different reasons though since she realized she was about to be proposed to by me, which isn't great.

10:04: Someone get this girl a push up bra. She's now 110%. Jill just swore, so I'm liking her more.

fast forward... (Izzy is very bored by this. She keeps trying to get my attention. Do you people see the sacrifices I'm making?)

10:06: Ed arrives. Jill claims he is her best friend. She must not know anyone else. Is Ed's suit purple? Or eggplant? My TV color must be screwed up. Or I'm color blind.

10:07: Harrison is the best in the business at directing gay suitors toward the lonely woman they are going to propose to then disappoint horribly.

10:08: Ed's speech is well rehearsed. The cue cards must be well hidden. Jill's in love, the camera pans wide, Gregg wants to puke.

10:09: Weird kissing. Ed proposes. Good product shot. Jill squeals. And then squeals some more. Izzy is over this shit and sighs.

10:10: pan out and recap of all Ed's dates. Over/under on short shots: 3.
Maybe that is why she likes him, they can share shorts.

10:11: 1; 2; 3; 4; He looks so uncomfortable hugging her. 5; Well rehearsed run off the stage.
10:12: After the Final Rose tomorrow. I cannot wait.

That's a wrap. Jessica is back to reading Twilight and I'll be back to writing about Carolla.

Thanks for reading and for understanding any and all spelling/grammar/syntax errors, although unless this is your first time to read, you should expect it. Until next time, Mahalo.

I Win!

Well, it finally happened. I won the bet. Time to celebrate supporters of my righteous quest. Jessica actually conceded the bet on Friday at our rehearsal dinner as she presented me with an autographed picture of Ace. The picture will be prominently displayed at my office as soon as I go back to work.

It is totally disorienting to be able to speak of Ace freely once again. I'm still not totally comfortable with the idea, but much to the chagrin of Jessica I'll probably get used to it soon. Jessica is "making" me watch SYTYCD once again and Ellen is a guest judge. I'm reminded of Ace's statements about when a comedian goes on a show with humorless people and seems hilarious. It's happening right now to the point that I even chuckled a bit at her corny jokes. It's not good.

In lieu of some great Ace stories, I wanted to share my favorite Jessica story of weekend. To set the scene, we were staying at a lovely resort on Marco Island. As part of the stay, we could charge items to our room account instead of cash. That scenario worked brilliantly until Jessica decided to venture out on her own for some Pringles and Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Here's where it gets funny: The lady at the gift shop asked if Jessica was old enough to be authorized to make purchases on her own or if there was someone there with her that could do it. Jessica informed her she was on her honeymoon and the purchase was allowed. Even though it was allowed, Jessica didn't help her cause by signing her name like a 4 year old. She still isn't used to her new last name and screws up the last 2 letters. I told her it is probably because the last 2 letters are the same as her previous name, but in a different order. I say without hesitation that when I told her this, it was the first time it had occurred to her so I think we have turned the corner on the issue. I'm sure Jessica's selections didn't help create the impression that she was old, but certainly old enough to be authorized on a hotel account. I'm not sure how to feel about all this. On one hand it means I have a hot young bride (which Jessica reminds me of often) but on the other I'm afraid it makes me the old creepy guy. I already know that Jess is too good looking for me, but I don't want to add the old creep on top of that. I guess it is a high class problem to have so I shouldn't complain.

I had a moment of inspiration with my previously detailed plan for a Journey cover band made up of my male children (and nephews if necessary). I have a name: The Journey Boys! That is pure gold. I'm going to start working on t-shirts right now. I'm thinking that the combination of the name and cuteness of 5 brothers singing songs from the 70's will overcome their very probable lack of musical ability. I'm taking investors right now.

I promise more Ace related updates soon. Until then, Mahalo!

The Bachlorette Live Blog

Jess and I are watching The Bachlorette on DVR, so this isn't technically live, but I'm blogging anyway. Jessica thinks that no one needs to hear my running commentary live, but I disagree. And I'm sure at least 2 of you agree. This will probably remind Melissa of when we lived together and I gave her my running commentary on a regular basis. Jessica usually requests I be quiet. Please excuse the grammar and spelling errors, but if you are a frequent reader I imagine you are prepared for that.

We pick up with Ed's date:

8:55: Ed shorts. Holy crap. If he had any package it would be hanging out of those.
8:56: Ed sitting like a lady on the couch. Again, if he was working with even a bit of a unit it would be hanging out of those shorts. Ed may be gay.

8:58: Ed's dad apparently just shaves the middle of his mustache. It's an interesting look.
8:59: The humitity of Hawaii is not doing Jillian any favors.
8:59: Jillian in the confessional: ABC must be cutting their budget since the make up crew apparently did Jillian's make up in a wind tunnel and followed it up with a bad haircut.
9:00: Ed on the beach: His short shorts are creepy. His ass is hanging out of them. I think he stole those trunks from a 14 year old cheerleader.

Thankful for a commercial

9:01: Jillian's face continues to confound. Not her best night.
9:02: I'm pretty sure Ed is gay. He has a 1000 yard stare at all times. If not gay, for sure not attracted to her.
9:03: Ed's emotional speech did not include one look at Jillian. Not a great sign. The humidity is also not great for Ed's hair.
9:04: Wow, a bachlorette first: The guy has never felt this way. BS. Unless if by this way he means "falling for a horse face on national TV."
9:05: Ed's nervous because he is gay.
9:05: How has Jillian's boob not popped out. Magic tape?

9:06: The lights come back on. Uh oh. Ed's peen doesn't work. Could it be because he's gay and Jillian is not cute.

9:07: I just hope we don't have a deleted scene that reminds me of Boogie Nights with Ed trying to turn things around so to speak.

9:08: Jessica is trying to talk crap about Carolla saying he and Ed share a problem. I want to remind her that Ace masturbates constantly, but don't want to lose the bet.

9:09: Jillian recaps dates with Chris. Boring. Unneccesary. Simply a way to fill time.

9:09: I am asking Jessica to fast forward. She does not listen.

9:10: Hooray for Jessica. She fast forwarded for me.

9:11: Recap of Jillian's ultimatum to Reid. And she wonders why she's still single. The guy was honest and is not a loon who wants to get married to a chick he met on TV 4 weeks ago.

9:12: Poor Ed. Why must we recap his peen's inability to function. She's trying to make excuses for him. Sorry honey, he's just gay. It wasn't the pressure.

9:14: Special recaps from the boys. I'm not sure what they see in her. She goes from cute to gross in every other shot. These guys are so full of crap.

9:15: I want to be watching the Home Run Derby, but since I love Jessica I'm watching this.

9:16: Ed not helping himself by rocking white pants and a light blue coat to the elimination. One of the dudes gave him the side eye. That's my new fave.

9:17: Ed says he loves her. Is it because she looks like a man? Possibly.
9:17: 2 of the candid poses feature a guy with his hands on his own ass. I don't understand this show.

9:18: Back from commercial: I just want this to end quickly.
9:18: Ed's outfit makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why he thought that was a good plan. He needs a new stylist.

9:19: Honest moment: Jillian's dress would look much better if she wasn't built like an 11 year old boy. ABC needs to step it up and offer her enhancement surgery.

9:20: Jillian tells Ed he looks good. Canadians are nuts, no offense ACG.

9:21: Jillian is confused. She's wondering what happened to his peen. I'm now screaming "He's gay," at the TV. It's not helping.

9:23: Dramatic music. Kipton gets a rose. Just once I want to see one of the guy's refuse the rose. That would be sweet.

9:24: I can feel it going to Gay Ed.

9:24: Big Gay Ed for the win! I knew it. He should whisper that his peen is working right now... Wink, wink. Then give her a thumbs up.

9:25: Reid is gone. Down to a guy with a weird name and a gay one. Good times.
9:25: Poor Reid. He's doing an awesome job positioning himself as the next Bachelor.

9:26: He's apologizing for being normal. So stupid. She kept a dude cause he said he loved her even though he is quite clearly gay. And got rid of one that just didn't think falling in love on TV in 3 weeks was what he wanted.

9:27: Dramatic music. Jillian looks like she thinks she screwed up.

9:28: Jillian crying on the bench of solitude. Her crying in HD? You guessed it, not a good look.

9:29: If this show were an 80's movie Reid would be the misunderstood rich guy that breaks the poor girls heart but redeems himself at the end. I want the limo to turn around and make this a John Hughes ending.

9:30: She cries like this but thinks she loves the remaining guys? Weird.

9:30: Guy with weird name is just looking into space. Gay guy comes to comfort her. You can always count on the gay guys to be sensitive.

9:30: Stop the limo. It would have been an awesome moment.

9:31: Finally over. Thank goodness. I am really happy that we will finally get an update about Jason, who was the most boring, obnoxious dude ever on TV.

9:32: Unexpected confession: Ed reveals he's gay? You heard it here first.

Thanks for reading. I'm sure this gives you some insight on what Jessica puts up with nightly and makes you feel sorry for her.

Secret Fears

Before we explore Jimmy Kimmel's transcendent performance on the podcast, I need to unburden my soul about one of my secret fears. For some reason every time I drop off a movie at Blockbuster I'm secretly afraid that there will be some masked man in the store robbing it. I convince myself that this masked man will see me and have no choice but to eliminate the only witness to his crimes. (Clearly there is a reason I haven't spoken of this before since it is pure nonsense and insane). Well, today as I dropped off JCVD I noticed that the outer door was off the store. There was a handwritten note on the second door saying that the store was closed. These unusual circumstances coupled with my already unreasonable fear and tendency for drama made me nervous. That was before I dropped my movie into the slot and saw a guy in a sleeping bag in the middle of the floor. I freaked out. Why was there a dude sleeping in Blockbuster? I have no idea and frankly don't want to know. It's rather terrifying and I would like to forget it happened at all. I will sooner willingly walk into the reptile section of the zoo than return to that Blockbuster.

Jimmy Kimmel was on with Ace and it was magical. The highlight was without a doubt Kimmel talking about his latest prank on one of his writers, Mike August. The back story was that Mike made a citizens arrest of a drunk driver. This inspired Kimmel to design a prank claiming that Mike earned Burbank's "Citizen of the Month" award for his heroics. Obviously such an award doesn't exist. But Kimmel made mock stationary, used actual city officials names and even had his son change his outgoing voicemail to impersonate the city official, with strict instructions to not answer calls from numbers he didn't know. The victim totally bought the prank. He was set to be honored at a ceremony at city hall and called to confirm his attendance. The problem was when Mike called Kimmel's son to confirm. Kimmel's son had passed his earlier tests without incident, but on this occasion the victim called from Kimmel's office, so his son picked up since it was his father's number. It's terrible that the prank didn't work out, but it was a great idea. Kimmel is the worst kind of deviant prankster: He's a comedic genius, he's tireless and he has lots of money. That's really a pretty unstoppable combination.
Actually, it reminds me of my office prankster Andy, minus the money. Andy's latest victim was co-worker Amy, who was expecting a ball gown via Fed Ex. Andy enjavascript:void(0)ded up stealing a Fed Ex box, creating a fake shipping invoice that indicated the dress was out of stock but that many other customers viewed the alternate dress being shipped as an acceptable substitute, going to goodwill and purchasing an alternate dress that looked like a table cloth and even convincing co-worker Amy's loyal assistant that the fake package was the real one. It was an amazing plan, save for one small detail. Co-worker Amy apparently cannot use adult scissors and unknowingly cut herself on the fake package, then proceeded to bleed on her real dress. It did not end well for any one in the office, even those of us who were uninvolved.

The countdown to the money is now at 10 days. All 4 of you loyal readers are invited to celebrate my victory at an as of yet undetermined bar in OKC. I'll use some of my winnings buying drinks for everyone but Jessica.

Gregg Out!

Ace's Friends

I don't even know where to begin. Ace had Chris, Donny and Ray all on the podcast. They are all completely out of their minds and I cannot imagine what it would have been like growing up with guys like that. I've written about Chris peeing on people and Ray throwing his own feces at Ace before. Today was the first time they have all been on the podcast together and it was magic. I made the mistake of choosing to listen at the gym this morning. The result: Gregg bench pressing and laughing so hard he almost dropped the bar. I was so disruptive that Jess heard me laughing through her headphones and gave me the most confused look I've ever seen. I explained I was listening to a podcast of comedic geniuses and she seemed to understand. I will say that the hard core people that go to the gym at 6 a.m. were not amused by my behavior.

The part of the podcast that made me laugh out loud was the discussion of Ray and his complete lack of social etiquette. I guess Ray would frequently ask fat people why they were fat, ask people with zits if they were trying to grow a horn and even asked his mother who had the bigger penis between his father and step-father. What a maniac. Each of the guys also told stories about how Ray would reveal their secrets to other people. Everyone can relate to that. I have never met anyone that hasn't talked crap about someone to a buddy, then have that same buddy repeat what you said to the person. It's miserable. And from the stories it seems that Ray did it all the time. If he wasn't super big and strong I think he would have gotten his ass kicked routinely.

Jessica isn't here so I am enjoying The State. I find it a little concerning that my sense of humor at 14 and at 30 is not that different. That probably says something terrible about me.

As an homage to Arthur, G-Lyte out!

Harry Seaward and Bob Marley Songs

I had two tough moments this holiday weekend. The first was Jessica's lame attempt at making me lose the bet by talking about Harry Seaward. If you are a faithful reader you already know about my penchant for repetition, so even though I'm sure I've written about this before I'm going to do it again anyway. Harry Seaward is Ace's favorite new joke name and a caller to the old radio show paged Harry in a casino. It was a hilarious moment and led to me naming my fantasy teams in Harry's honor. Well Jessica thought it would be funny to bring this up recently since she knows I can't stop laughing whenever it comes up. She starting begging me to tell her the origins of Harry Seaward. Told me that she could tell I wanted too and that I would feel so much better if I did. In the words of Charlie Murphy, Wrong. To make matters worse I wanted to talk about Ace's mission to have someone come up with a fake name using N-word. Well, the same visionary who had Harry Seaward paged called in to say he had Grady Enword paged at the same casino. It's not as good as Harry, but it's still solid.

The other moment happened in the middle of the lake when the song "We Be Jammin" came on the radio. Ace always rails against Bob Marley and his terrible songs. Bob may actually have the clubhouse lead over Hall and Oates and The Eagles in Ace's bad song department. (Quick tangent: My brother once confided in me that he thought Daryl Hall was the Mexican in Hall and Oates since he couldn't imagine a blonde headed guy named Daryl Hall. It always cracks me up thinking about that whenever "Maneater" comes on the radio.) Anyway, "We Be Jammin" came on and my first instinct was to discuss what a miserable song it was with Jessica and her parents. Thankfully I held it in. But seriously, that song does suck. I imagine the only way you could enjoy the experience of listening to it would be to get as high as the Marley was when he made it. In the same rant Ace also mentioned how confusing the song "I Shot The Sheriff" was. He couldn't figure out if both the sheriff and the deputy were dead. If there were other casualties? I am not sure he was serious about it, since as best I can tell the song describes this scenario: Sheriff shoots deputy over some dispute, man happens upon scene, sheriff is going to kill man for seeing said scene and man shoots sheriff in self-defense. Hopefully Ace was going for comedic effort and not genuinely confused. If you were going to deconstruct song lyrics for meaning, I'm guessing "I Shot The Sheriff" is pretty high on the ease of understanding list, probably between "The Humpty Dance" and "She's Like the Wind."

I am a little disappointed about how much you all enjoyed "Jessica's" post. Several people told me it was the funniest entry that has ever appeared on this site. My fragile ego cannot handle this type of talk. Co-worker Amy led the charge and that is why she will remain co-worker Amy. Fiancee Jessica also said it was funnier than my usual nonsense, which is why she may soon no longer be fiancee Jessica.

One final note, my copy of The State came today and Jessica doesn't think it's funny. She would have you believe that this isn't funny? Or this? My heart cannot take this nonsense. Can I buy her a sense of humor on Ebay?

Only 12 days until I win the bet. Does that mean the end of the blog? We shall see. Until next time, Mahalo.

Setting the record straight by Jessica

Gregg offered me a chance to post a message since I constantly complain about how much he exaggerates things that I say and downplays his own behavior. Now, since I don't have the time nor energy to write the 10,000 words it would take to refute all of Gregg's misstatements, I'll just hit the highlights.

The biggest misconception is that I force Gregg to watch all the shows he always complains about. He loves "So You Think You Can Dance," no matter what he will tell all of you. Loves it. He claims it is just because he has a crush on Cat Deely and likes when she adds an "r" at the end of a name that ends with "a" (his favorite is Tabithar; he repeats it at least 3 times every time she says it and giggles like a 9 year old). He also gets upset with me when I delete "One Tree Hill" from the DVR. He says he just likes the music, but that is a lie. Hopefully none of you believe his lies.

Gregg also makes fun of my taste in comedy, but let me ask you, how would you like to be woken up multiple times a week by Gregg asking you to watch a clip from a show filmed 20 years ago. It's not fun. He'll make me sit through 45 minutes of movies like "The Cable Guy" for one particular scene that he thinks is funny. God forbid we fast forward to the scene. He claims that ruins the effect of the scene if you don't watch the back story. He also makes me watch Arrested Development over and over. He loves pointing out the subtle jokes, like I've slept through the episode the first 5 times. See, it's not pleasant.

I don't think any of you understand how much he used to talk about Carolla. It was at least 5 times a day. I would know more about what happened on Carolla's show than what happened in his day. Now, instead of telling me about Carolla, he sits on the computer and laughs to himself as he types this blog. I promise you, none of you are as amused by this blog as him. It's really sad. But a Carolla-free house has been wonderful. Unfortunately, he has replaced his Carolla talk with Simmons and Dameshek talk. I'm actually considering a Carolla/Simmons/Dameshek bet with him. I would have to pay way more than $1000 for him to do it though. Even if that bet happens, he'll just replace that talk with talk of Arrested Development and The State. I'm not sure which is worse.

Gregg also has the tendency to state as absolute truth any opinion he holds about any book/movie/music. He'll tell you that you are "an insane abomination" if you don't think "The Catcher In the Rye" is the best book ever. He probably won't even discuss it with you. Should you happen to like The Eagles, you apparently are dumb and like music for idiots. The list goes on and on. He'll be shocked when I don't agree with him and go on for 15 minutes about how I must be crazy. It's always the same though, it's either the best thing ever, or so bad he can't comprehend it. Nothing was ever just so so. For once I want him to see a movie and say it was average. I don't think it's ever happened.

I could continue, but the longer I go, the longer response I will have to deal with tonight.
J-Mac out!

Gooooood Morning, Welcome to Starbucks...

Am I the only one that can't stand the condescending Starbucks baristas? Now any faithful reader will certainly questions whether or not this is a faithful representation of what happened given my tendancy to exagerrate, but I promise it is a close as I can remember.
Scene: Gregg pulls into drive thru at Starbucks:
Starbucks Smug Ass Employee (SSAE): Goooood Mooorningggg, and welcome to Starbucks on this finnnne morning. Can I get you a (something that sounded gross and I wasn't paying attention) started?
G: No thanks, I'll just have (the drink I ordered; some things must remain private).
SSAE: Cannn I offer you an extra shot of espresso in that to put in extra pep in your step this mooorningggg?
G: No thanks.
SSAE: Wellll, unless I can offer you something to eat, your total is $4.74, I'll seee you at the window. (and mind you all of this is dripping with sarcasm to the point that I feel uncomfortable as a customer).

Are all of them like this? Is there a corporate mandate to be assey to customers? Either way, not a fan. If I'm paying five bucks for my coffee, I just want the coffee. I don't need the guy making me feel like a jerk or trying to amuse himself with all his other buddies in the store. Plus every single jerky in there has the most obvious and played out "personalities." Yeah, real edgy and cool to have the exact same tattoo, haircut and piercings as all the other douchers you work with. Stop trying to cultivate a personality and pour my drink.

Enough ranting about Starbucks, on to some good stuff. None other than David Cross was on Ace's podcast. As we've covered in previous installments, Jessica hates David Cross. Jessica's taste in comedy is the only thing wrong with her. She was making fun of me the other day for my love of the movie "The Cable Guy." I don't care what anyone says, it's hilarious. Any movie where Matt Broderick tries to play a straight guy is the highest of comedy. Jess also can't remember any details of the Big Lebowski (thus never laughs when I tell her she is out of her element or that fill in the blank isn't Nam, there are rules), doesn't laugh at Fletch and can't comprehend why I think Monty Python and The Holy Grail is the funniest movie ever. So yeah, her taste in comedy is not to be trusted.

The best part of the Cross podcast was Ace ranting about LA Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa (born Antonio Ramon Villar, Jr.). Any Ace fan knows that Ace hates Villaraigosa and constantly refers to him as Villa-Retardo. Ace covered his usual reasons for why he hates Villaraigosa including that he combined his last name with his wife's, his terrible legislation and his predilection for humping Telemundo reporters that aren't his wife. The humping Telemundo reporters is always my favorite. But today he brought up something I didn't know before. Villa-Retardo also attended an unaccredited law school in California and failed the bar 4 times. It is embarrasing that the mayor of the second biggest city in the US couldn't pass the bar, even after 4 attempts. I guess he gave up his quest after 4. Just for comedy's sake he should go for No. 5. They can run TV ads encouraging him and everything. David Cross was legitimately horrified by his failing 4 times and wondered why they let you take the test that many times and suggested that after 3 failures they just hand you a DMV job application. Ace took it one hilarious step further and suggested the test proctor comes over to you after your 3rd failure, breaks your No. 2 pencil across his knee, then sends you on the walk of shame out of the room. I really like that plan. I will admit that the bar passage rate in California is only 50%, but good night, after 4 times you should figure it out. My sister Melissa helped me and my sister study for the bar and I'm confident if you gave her another week of study she could pass and she didn't go to law school.

Since I haven't included any links yet, here you go: And no worries, it's not a Journey video this time.

Overload

Today is too much for me. Dr. Drew on with Ace and the NBA draft. It's all too much. I'm pretty sure this whole entry will devolve into nonsense.

The best part of Ace and Drew was an unfortunate topic. They decided to discuss Donny (Ace's engineer) and his masturbation habits. It was fairly terrible but hilarious at the same time. It's always enjoyable to hear Drew remind Ace of his statement that sex is ok, but not as good as the real thing (masturbation). That's hilarious.
Now some draft talk:
I'm depressed over OKC's pick. I'm not sure I want a guy in a bow tie with the 3rd pick. I'm a little disappointed with the suits this year. Seems like an awful lot of guys visited Men's Warehouse for the $99 special and look like salespeople. I demand my NBA draft picks wear absurd pinstripes, shiny fabric and giant chains. This looking like working class 45 year olds is garbage.

I wish I was clever enough for a live blog since they just showed Larry Bird on TV and I got all fired up. I just got even more fired up since Larry picked my boy Tyler Hansbrough. My head is spinning, both because of the pick and the beer I've been drinking.

In addition to Drew and the Draft, today I spent the smartest 42.99 of my life. I bought all 4 seasons of The State. I am absolutely delighted. The State was the funniest show on TV and I cannot understand why more people didn't watch. Apparently millions of people watch According to Jim and no one remembers The State. That makes me want to move to the Lost island. Simply compare the first results on Youtube and tell me which is better:
Jim
or
The State

That matchup is as one sided as the Globetrotters v. Generals. I am going to have to petition Barry for a cabinet spot to be the commissioner of taste for America. First order of business, all of William Fitzsimmons cd's, the complete series of Arrested Development and this will be shipped to all houses. I'm pretty sure the economy would turn around in hours.

It's probably time to end this post. It's terrible even compared to my usual low standards. Until next time, Mahalo.

$1000 will soon be mine

I have really started thinking about what I should buy with the $1000. I have a few thoughts and need your help to decide.
Before we get to that, have you all seen the most recent comment? Someone claimed to have been part of the most amazing video ever. He also said they are in fact brothers. To up the ante, their dad is also part of it. Simply unbelievable. I really hope he isn't playing with my emotions. I cannot overstate how excited I am about this. I finally may get the answers to all my questions. I have a new question: it says that the video won 2nd place at a film festival. My question is what in the hell was better? Anything short of this video beating it is just completely unreasonable. And if it is all some cruel ploy on the part of some reader, just know it made my day anyway.

Ace had Joel McHale on today along with a celebrity BBQ specialist. As a protest I am not going to use any of the great techniques they talked about until Jessica admits that she loves Carolla. Until then, she will be missing out on some great BBQ.
Ace also had Ken Jeong on last week, who is better known as the "Naked Asian Guy" from The Hangover or the guy in the spandex unitard in "What's It Gonna Be.".(Language is not safe for my mother). He was hilarious. He revealed that he is an actual doctor as well. I started thinking about what would happen if his acting career fails and he has to go back to being a doctor, how strange would it be to have him as your doctor? I don't think I could take him seriously since I would be thinking about the scene in The Hangover when he jumps out of the car nude. The nude scene was his decision which was a bold choice considering his small penis. The best part of the discussion was Ace's questions to Ken: Did you consider chubbing up prior to the shot? That's a great question. I don't know why Ken wouldn't. If I knew I was going to be nude on screen, I would certainly make sure I could be proud of my performance. If you haven't seen the movie, just know that Ken should not be proud. It also reminded me of one of my favorite Ace related father tips. He was talking about how every son eventually sees his father nude, so it is best for the father to prepare prior so he impresses his son. Ace thinks it is vitally important to portray a strong image to your son, and I concur. It also sends a message to your son that he won't get laughed at in the locker room as a youngster.

Now to the important stuff: Anyone that knows me, knows that I love watches. I have a few in mind should I win the bet.
Option 1;
Option 2;
Option 3; or
Option 4 (4 times over; you must click that link. It's hilarious. And if you don't think so, you dear reader are a doucher supreme).
I am thinking I need to make Jessica go shopping with me when I look at watches. I really want to see the look on her face as I try on watches that are more expensive than she is comfortable with. I am open to suggestions of other things that I should buy. Please let me know if you have good ideas.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Journey Videos

I guess it is possible that some of you aren't obsessed with Journey like I am. While I find this insane, I will try to accommodate your odd tastes. But today is not that day. I think I have watched the shot for shot remake of Separate Ways at least 5 times today.

I have some thoughts while watching it yet again. First, wonderful job recreating the location. I can't imagine where they found a random warehouse with all the right elements. They didn't have enough random machinery at the 2:21 mark and there is no water at the 2:33 mark, but otherwise spot on. Also thier version of the 80's fox is not foxy at all. They could have done much better. Any shortcoming in the scenery are erased by the Steve Perry character's performance. He steals every scene he is in, especially at the 1:00 mark. And where in the hell did he get an exact replica shirt? I demand a follow up video explaining these questions.

Like almost anything amazing, over analysis leads to finding small flaws. There are two that stick out at me. The first is the facial hair of both the guitarist and drummer fall off at different times. It's almost like they only had enough tape for 1 take and had to play through it. However, if it was an artistic choice for comedy's sake, I applaud the move. Yet another reason why we need a follow up video. The other part that frustrates me is that it is the fake Steve Perry in bed at the end instead of the vaguely attractive 80's girl. Again, if it was a choice for comedy's sake, well done. I must imagine that it was because it wasn't like they couldn't have had un-foxy 80's fox come back for one more scene.

As I was watching it for the 3rd time today I had a thought about the guys: I think they all look very similar and wondered if they are 5 brothers. If they are, my mind is officially blown. They would be the coolest brothers of all time. (Edging out Frank and Sly Stallone, Don and Pat Swayze, Ozzie and Jose Canseco and Steve and Jean-Claude Van Damme). I always said I wanted to have 5 boys close in age so they could be their own basketball team. Now, I want to have 5 boys and force them to recreate Journey videos. It's a pretty great dream.

Carolla related news today. I was walking past the receptionist desk today and some girls were discussing their list of 5 celebrities they could have romantic relations with free of consequence (from that Friends episode). This topic came up once on Carolla and he suggested that you don't pick celebrities, but instead people that you actually run into with some frequency. His theory is that on the off chance that you actually met one of the celebrities there is no chance they would actually be into you. So, he says you should put the nanny, the Starbucks girl, etc on the list since that is far more likely. He also advocates putting generic categories, like Starbucks girl, and not proper names. I was eager to share Carolla's theory with the ladies, but was certain they would not be amused. I am also fairly confident that Jess would not find this funny. Good thing she doesn't read this anymore.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Team Jessica?

Is anyone out there still on Team Jessica? (please indicate allegiance in the comments) If you are, I hope you realize that it is like cheering for the Washington Generals when they play the Globetrotters. Sure, it makes you feel good for cheering for the team with no chance and if they somehow win you get to feel special for having faith. But 99.99% of the time you are cheering for the side destined to fail. That is Team Jessica. If you want to cheer for a winner, stick with Team Gregg. We are bringing this bet home.

Ace had Artie Lange on the podcast. First, Artie claims to have been sober for 2 and 1/2 months. Anyone who has seen his performance on Joe Buck's HBO show will beg to differ. He was clearly out of his mind. He went on to talk about how he hates David Cross. How. Dare. You. Jessica also hates David Cross (For Shame!) so she and that booze addled slob Artie have something in common. There is still time to reconsider team Jessica. Considering she shares opinions with this clown and I share opinions with this visionary, I think the choice is clear.

One of my favorite Ace related moments was his discussion of how he can't tell if guys are gay anymore. He has famously said that the only reason people make such a big deal about celebrities, like Lance Bass and Clay Aiken's sexuality is because they are so clearly gay that it throws people off when they say they are straight. As soon as they come out as gay, everything goes back to normal and no one cares. The other problem is guys with jobs that are usually staffed by gay guys (hair dresser, flight attendant, etc) now have to go out of their way to prove they aren't gay. Ace riffed that he doesn't want to come on a plane and listen to the straight male flight attendant talk about all the hot tail on the plane just to prove he's straight. His solution was simple: Just like NFL teams put a red jersey on the QB so the defense doesn't hit him in practice, the straight guys need a special uniform. I think it is a solid idea, too bad it has zero chance of actually happening.

Since I haven't posted much lately I figured you guys were all missing my special links. Well, here you go:
1
2
and
3

If you guessed that all three links were Journey related, you win. I think that Barry needs to hire the geniuses in #2 to fix the economy. If those guys can recreate the funniest video of all time, I'm pretty sure they can fix the economy in a week. I cannot even describe how insane I would go to meet one of those guys, especially the keyboard player, who really captures the essence of the original. I would buy them drinks and talk about that 4 minute video for 4 hours. And if you didn't watch the video and laugh, you my dear friend are an AK level d-bag. Deal with it.

Jess and I were at the mall to look at watches today and I decided to eat lunch in the food court. I saw something really troubling. I saw a 50-ish year old man, who if I had to bet has some sort of computer or accounting job reading a book. Normal enough, except the title of the book was The Dragon Reborn. Why would an old man read that crap in public? He should have taken a page from Biff Tannen in Back to the Future II when he uses the jacket for the Sports Almanac to hid his copy of Oh La La. Just thinking about Marty McFly dejectedly saying, "Oh La la? Oh La La," is cracking me up. Hopefully I am not alone in that.

Co-worker Amy: here's your special video shout out: Enjoy. Seriously between the guys that did that video and the Journey guys, we could land on Mars next Tuesday. Too bad they spend all their time making awesome vidoes.

Thanks for reading, until next time, Mahalo!

100 Days down... easy money

It's been 100 days. Obviously it has been a test to not speak of Carolla's genius in my own home. I think it has been even harder for Jessica to not have the joy of Carolla everyday. Fortunately for her, the self imposed Carolla ban is almost over. Too bad for her that means I will be $1000 richer.

Before I get to my thoughts on Bill Simmons appearance, there is a new poll inspired by ACG's request. The contestants are our favorite Philly socialite Arthur Kade, the original internet douche John Fitzgerald Page, John Mayer and Jessica herself for her disdain of all things Ace. For anyone that is not familiar with JFP, please go visit his website. He takes ridiculousness to unprecedented levels. And he is completely serious. So, vote early and often and lets settle who the biggest doucher is once and for all.

Ace is famous for beginning broadcasts by saying, "Get it on. Must get it on. No choice but to get it on. Mandate: Get it on." Very apropos for his podcast with Simmons. (Mom, it's time to stop reading). For whatever reason, Simmons decided it was time to talk about porn, specifically, um.... fluid??? This led them to talk about which is worse, a scene with copious amounts of... fluid that is clearly fake.(Ace had a great line; "By the 8th salvo you are just insulting my intelligence) Or a scene with actual fluid. They both seemed to think that the real was better. They both have daughters and I think they should have said that they would rather kill themselves than choose. That did lead to an interesting discussion about what is the worst possible job for your daughter. Ace posed the following hypothetical to Simmons:
Your daughter is going to work at a topless only, no lap dance strip club. She can either:
a. be a stripper
b. be a slightly overweight girl who cleans the pole.

For some reason Simmons chose the stripper. Shocking. But it is an interesting question. I feel that I will have failed as a father if my daughter has any job that involves taking anything off, includes french fries, requires a stage name or has recently been given a churched up name (custodial engineer v. janitor). Ace is fond of saying that you can't really screw up boys too much since they just want to keep to themselves and be left alone. But with girls, you have to be careful. If you aren't a good dad, the girl will turn into a demon and ruin your life.

(Alright mom, it's safe to return)
Someone asked me today if I had Ace driver covers for my golf clubs. I wish! So, if someone out there likes knitting things, keep the Ace driver covers in mind for any gift baskets you send me.

Jessica is forcing me to watch So You Think You Can Dance right now. Bad times at the house. Currently two people in pajamas are dancing to a Richard Marx song. But I did have another Ace moment. One of the choreagraphers is named Mandy Moore. No, not that Mandy Moore. It reminded me of a game Ace used to play about people with the same name. I am not sure the Mandy Moore on SYTYCD and my former crush Mandy Moore could be more different. Once again, the Ace ban is robbing Jessica of great conversation.

Until next time, Mahalo!

Micheal McDonald? Really? The one with the beard?

I know, it's been to long since we have had an update. Well, Bill Simmons is the guest today and as soon as I listen to it, there will be a lengthy recap.

In the meantime, I have to discuss a personal issue that has really bothered me over the past few days. We have some new law clerks at the firm. I was enjoying getting to know them over a beer a few days back, when one of them said; "The Michael McDonald concert I went to in December was the best night of my life." Wait, what? He later claimed to be kidding around, but still claimed it was the best concert he has ever been to. As one who is prone to hyperbole I was still shocked by this statement. Worse still, he sent me videos the next day of what he deemed the choicest bits Mike has to offer. These are the actual videos he sent me: 1, 2 and 3. (Advance warning: Please do not click on these. I know many of you don't click the links for fear of another Journey video or Larry Bird tribute but both of those are infinitely better than the preceding links). I'll admit that aside from my love of Journey, I'm a music snob. My response to his statement was an Ace like rant about how Mike is a destructive musical force and seems to actively try to write unlistenable songs. I borrowed Ace's theory about how the Eagles split up just to inflict more damage and applied it to Mike's career, which works quite well. I have been racking my brain for 5 days straight and cannot imagine a life where the best night I'd ever had featured Mike McDonald. I think it's time for the offending clerk to get out in the world and top his evening with McDonald. Off the top of my head, nights that would top a McDonald concert include:
1. Sitting in a dark room alone;
2. a concert by the Starlight Vocal Band;
3. a night of television programmed by Jessica (The Hills, So You Think You Can Dance, 90210, Grey's Anatomy, etc); and
4. seeing a Mike McDonald cover band.

In other news of interest to me alone, Arthur Kade was a guest on Danny Partridge's radio show. For those of you that don't know, Danny Partridge used to be Ace's sidekick on the radio show. Thankfully for me, this was from before I started listening. Whenever he got brought up on the show, Ace would always reference how Danny would take his shirt off for no reason at all and always smelled like nicotine and Axe body spray. For some reason an aging former child star being described as smelling like Axe body spray always delighted me. Anyway, I downloaded the Kade segment and cannot wait to listen to it. I'm sure Bonaduce destroys Kade and calls him out for pretending he's not gay.

Look out for the big Simmons podcast update soon. Until then, Mahalo.

We all danced.... Kade Style

Happy Monday everyone. I had several notable Carolla moments with Jessica this weekend. We were traveling to Boston for my cousin's wedding. (Big shout out to Scotty and Laura). Actually, I already gave them a shout out at a townie bar after the wedding. Too bad they weren't there yet. I gave an inspired speech anyway as a ridiculous DJ gave me the stink eye. When I first asked if I could give a shout out he told me that he wasn't a DJ, he was an entertainer and he didn't do that. 5 minutes later he changed his mind and granted me access to the stage, and yes it was actually a stage. Since I didn't think he would look kindly on a postponement I soldiered on. Did I mention the entertainer was wearing a pink ruffled shirt and custom bell bottoms with special pink flaps on the bottom. And he played actual records. It was an outstanding time.

I really wanted to have a nice Carolla moment with Jess as we were waiting for our flight back to Oklahoma City. There were several people pressing forward to board the plane and Jess turned to me to remark how dumb it was for people to want to get on the plane so early when it doesn't leave until we are all there. One of my favorite Carolla rants is when he yells about first class travel. His complaint is that they let you on the plane early and every person that passes gives you a disgusted look as they board. In return the airline gives you nothing. I always laugh when Ace says all he wants is 2 dollars worth of booze while he waits, but of course that is against the rules.

My other thought whenever I fly deals with the emergency exit row. My friend Dusty and I once had a very long, very disturbing conversation about the emergency exit row and how we always think about what would happen if we decided to open the exit door in the middle of the flight (sort of like how every guy thinks about taking the gun from every cop they see). Seriously, is there some mechanism to protect the plane from that happening? I think I should make an invention to prevent it, sort of like how airbags only operate with a certain impact. Or at least be part of the screening process for the exit row seats. Maniacs like me do not belong. On the last leg of our flight Jess and I had separate seats and mine was in the exit row. I am pretty sure she was worried for 1 hour and 49 minutes that I was going to try to open the door. I'm sure I would get arrested for that and I wouldn't do well in prison, so I refrained.

Speaking of getting arrested, I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Jess and I went to the Museum of Fine Art in Boston and all I could think about was taking a whiz on a Monet. My theory is that I would get less jail time for getting drunk and killing a kid with my car than I would for peeing on a priceless work of art. I think that is a sad commentary on our society. Actually it is probably a sadder commentary on me that I spend so much time on this type of frivolity.

Now to the wedding: Since I am obsessed with Philly's most elite social phenom Arthur Kade, I decided to try my best Kade impression on the wedding dance floor. It did not end well. Gregg style is not nearly as wonderful as Kade Style. At least we both have sweet hats (mine was stolen) and can make the super douche face (mine obviously as a joke). Jessica was worried the man whose hat I stole was going to try to fight me. Even in my drunken state I knew the man was a coward and if I learned anything in the Big Lebowski it was that I need not fear cowards. Thankfully the reception wasn't all me acting like a giant douche, stupid hand gestures and potential ass beatings. There was also singing on the dance floor. Faithful readers should have a good idea of what song could inspire such passionate singing. Yup, you guessed it.

Last thing for the day: Today Ace made a statement that just killed me. He described a guy as being good lenses in a bad frame, meaning he was smart but so unfocused he was couldn't be taken seriously. It is just a perfect way to describe things. I think it might go down in the pantheon of awesome ways to describe girls to your buddies (if you are the kind of sexist dude that is inclined to that type of behavior; good from far, but far from good being my personal favorite), as in, you go on a date with a girl with a good looking face and a weird shaped body: tell your buddies good lenses, bad frame. Once in law school my friend Joe asked my buddy Ron what he thought of a girl Joe was talking to. Ron's reaction was that she was a 6 and 1/2, but then he paused and said "Nah, 6." And a little piece of Joe died.

Remember, tell your friends about this blog and let's keep annoying Jessica together.

Special Birthday Update

It's time to celebrate readers. Ace turns 45 today. To honor this occasion, let's all send Jessica e-cards to celebrate. Hopefully this turns out better than our last attempt at bombarding her with Ace videos. So please visit your favorite e-card site, find the most annoying card possible, and send it to Jess. (email me if you need her email address). Thank you in advance for all your help in annoying Jessica. I need to start taking pictures of her reactions to our friends commenting on the blog. She hates it so much and that warms my heart to no end.
Today's special video shout out is for Kaylan: Remember Kay, if the man wanted a small soda, he would have asked for a small soda.

Jessica wins and we all lose (Day 86)

Sorry for the long absence. As far as I can tell only my favorite reader, ACG, missed me. Yet another reason I need to move to Canada. Free healthcare, friendly people and awesome blog followers.

First the reason for the title: Ace's CBS pilot was not on the schedule for this Fall (Jess wins). I know I'm disappointed. Hopefully the other CBS shows will be garbage and Ace's show will be a mid-season replacement. Since they broadcast stuff like this and this, I think we have a good shot.

Ace had Dameshek on again, so you know it was awesome. To up the ante they decided to include Deaf Frat Guy in the conversation. I was never a big fan of DFG, but in this context he was awesome. Dameshek had a few moments that cracked me up. His first was his advice to the fellas on how to pick up ladies. He said it is key for the guy to tell the lady that she is too into him and it is creeping him out. His thought is that will confuse the lady and make you more desirable. I can speak from experience that it is true. Jessica's first words to me were to tell me to "F off" as part of a game I was playing with a juvenile friend. I turned and walked away and Jess came back to me later out of curiosity. Dameshek proves himself to be a genius once again.

The other thing about Dameshek that cracks me up is his use of old timey language. Ace was telling a story about how he attacked some random dudes harassing people in a mall. Ace thwarted their efforts and saved the local citizens. Dameshek's reactions was to ask Ace if he was in the newspaper with the headline, "Local teens take down rapscallions, local toughs." Whenever Dave talks like that it just cracks me up.

Dave and Ace also had a nice exchange where Dave played a woman that Ace was hitting on. Dameshek's delivery of "Hello there," was priceless.

Jess and I were watching The Soup and saw a clip of Brad Pitt promoting his new movie and Ann Curry made ridiculous remarks about the Jews in the movie. As a loyal Ace fan I immediately thought of Ace's constant talk about the difference in Jews. He says you have the domesticated North American Jew and also the Israeli commando Jew. Of course I couldn't tell Jessica any of this and enjoy a laugh together. This bet is really infringing on our ability to laugh together. In fact it is hurting us so much we have become complete nerds. We have become obsessed with LOST and it is threatening to ruin our lives. I swore I would never become this kind of person, but I have succumb to the foul mistress that is LOST. I am currently shopping for pocket protectors and mapping out alternate routes home so I don't get beat up by the local boys.

In other news, our friend and favorite Arthur Kade is continuing to tread new douchy ground. Every time that I think it is not possible to be any worse a human being than he already is, he proves me wrong. Now he is trying to be a low rent version of Tucker Max, except not smart or funny. It is time we organize and go to Philly to crush him once and for all.

On another personal note, I was saddened to learn today that my friend Trevor doesn't read the blog. I go out of my way to mention him and give him special video shout-outs and he won't even read. So disappointing. At least my other friends at work, Katie, Jason, Andy, David, Matt, Chris, Susan, Steve, Clint, Rocky, Curt and Beth, plus my co-worker Amy still read it. Thanks for your loyalty friends and co-worker. Please accept this video as my gift to you. Until next time, Mahalo!

Weird Week in Carolla

Enough with the t-shirt silliness, it's time for more Ace talk. It has been a strange week for guests, including a representative from Ford, the founder of the Adult version of Myspace, Brad Garrett and his buddy Chris. The Ford guy was mildly interesting but felt like late night Ford infomercial. The Adult Myspace guy was pretty lame and generally a pervert. His mission is apparently to give lonely men more access to porn. Considering the lack of porn on the internet, I think he is on to something. Ace is a big fan of masturbation so he enjoyed talking to the guy. Of course Ace is also the guy that Dr. Drew says is an addictive masturbater and always refers to masturbation being the real thing. I enjoyed Brad Garrett's podcast, but I can't remember much about the episode except for Ace saying that when his internet went out for 3 hours it felt like someone was F'ing him in the A for 3 hours. He is on to something though. I only got a cell phone 5 years ago and now can't live without it. Stuff like that, phone, internet, blackberry, are impossible to live without once you've had them. Ace also unveiled his theory about his why his buddy Chris never matured. He thinks that Chris got laid too early in his life and stopped caring about things other than girls at 15. The theory is solid though. The guys I knew growing up that had early success with the ladies are generally worthless at this point.

Now Chris was amazing. Faithful readers will recall Chris as the genius behind the Brewing Story. He and Ace have great chemistry and told some great stories about growing up. It is incredible that either of them is still alive. Chris talked about smoking crack like it was the equivalent of getting a latte. I think that Jessica would actually enjoy the Chris podcast. Unfortunately for her, she has no sense of humor and can't appreciate Ace's brilliance. I'm just amazed that Ace and Chris are still alive. All of their stories involve them being insane, fighting, living in horrific conditions and cheating death.

Jessica clearly has terrible tastes in comedy since she doesn't think Ace and I are funny. She does redeem herself by enjoying the work of our friend Arthur Kade. Aside from posting amazing videos this week, Arthur has set a new low. He decided to enlighten his many "fans" of his kissing preferences. There were a couple problems. Most notably his claim that he enjoys kissing women when he is so clearly gay. Even more disturbing was his retelling of his finest kiss, which occurred with a woman he paid $400. And not spent $400 as in took her to a nice dinner and play, but as in she was a stripper and he was in the champagne room. Now, let's break this one down for a second:
1. He paid 400 bucks to make out with a stripper. I can honestly say I am not a strip club guy, but my guess is that 400 can get you more than a kiss from a runaway with daddy issues.
2. How unspeakably sad is it to have your best kiss from someone you are paying? That's a little like calling your shrink your best friend. Sure, he's listening to you and seems interested, but you are paying him $150/hour to do it. He's not really your friend.
Arthur proves himself to be a giant tool for actually believing that a stripper liked him.

I really need to add another terrible show to the poll. Jessica is now watching So You Think You Can Dance, which aside from Cat Deeley is a terrible show. In fact, as I type this there are 2 dudes ballroom dancing together. One claims he is heterosexual (highly disputed) and the other is openly gay. Is there a huge shortage of girls who want to ballroom dance? It's just creepy. It didn't work in Blades of Glory and it didn't work on the show. I don't get the "straight" guy not finding a girl partner. From what I have seen on this show, the girl dancers are great looking and it takes tons of practice which gives you quality time with a hot girl. Oh no, I might have to do a live blog of this show at some point. There was just a girl dressed up like a cat doing Stars Wars shit like George Michael. (I think that just inspired me to have my next poll be about which Bluth had the best chicken dance)

I am too distressed to write anymore. So You Think You Can Dance is killing me. But I really need to address some issues I have at the work place. We were talking movies at work and someone asked why I liked "The Wrestler." I said because it was amazing and Mickey Rouke gave an amazing performance. He said he didn't think Mickey was that good. What? That is nonsense. This is the same guy that said "My Best's Friends Girl" was hilarious. I know, he is some sort of escaped mental patient. I am going to have to tackle this in a longer post at some point and maybe even start reviewing movies.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate it more than you know. And just for my favorite Canadian, please enjoy a video featuring the one man who can challenge Kade to the doucher throne, enjoy.

Enough is Enough

This post is mainly just making it so I don't have to see that pretty girl in that disgusting t-shirt at the top of the blog. I am really disappointed that a number of you that have decided it is funny to side with Jessica in this battle and are encouraging her by buying t-shirts. Especially you Melissa. This blog was dedicated to you, but I am now taking nominations for an alternate muse. I will remember your traitorous acts.

I am really excited about today's podcast. It features Ace's longtime buddy Chris (of "Brewing Story" fame) and promises to be full of good stuff. I promise I will have a lengthy update tonight.

Since this blog is the height of narcissism there is no reason not to mention my Twitter account too. You can sign up to follow me (gjlytle) so you can be the first to know when I update the blog.

Since this is the least entertaining entry ever, please accept my apologies.

Team Jessica? I think not

Dear readers, our peaceful Carolla loving existence has been posed with a vile threat. Team Jessica. I was completely unaware she commissioned the above shirt. I walked into my kitchen and saw her giggling with delight, waiting for me to notice. I did not react well.

While she is a beautiful girl, that photo disgusts me. I cannot believe that she beat us to the punch with a shirt. Well, we are a strong nation and we will not let this threat stand. We need to make the shirt happen ASAP. Please submit me your ideas and your interest in a shirt. I will work on making it happen soon.

2 Months, 1 Day to go

Happy Sunday my fine followers. Let me warn you in advance that this entry may be angrier than usual. As I type this, my Celtics are losing to the despicable Magic and the Mets are losing to the Giants (even grosser since they had the bases loaded with 0 outs and didn't score). Hopefully the Celtics will turn it around, although I don't have much faith since our backup forward has to wear a special headband to prevent concussions and looks worse with his shirt off than I do. That is not a great signal for success.

I had another moment this weekend when I really wanted to tell Jess an Ace story. And this time it would have even be logical in conversation. We were watching Role Models and there is a scene where Paul Rudd drives his truck off a tow truck. The scene seems insane unless you realize that Ace himself did this once. Ace came out to see his truck up on a tow truck for a chicken S reason. He tried to talk to the driver and convince him to take it down, but the guy was being a doucher and wouldn't do it. So Ace just drove off the truck. He must have been so proud that day. So as Paul Rudd was imitating Ace in the movie, I obviously wanted to tell Jess the story. But I refrained. Well maybe she will read this entry and get to enjoy the story anyway.

We had lunch with our friend Rachel today and she told me something that warmed my heart. She was telling me that her friend Ashley and her husband read the blog, which obviously makes me happy. But the best part was Jessica's reaction. As soon as Rachel mentioned it, Jess starting shaking her head. Then she put her head in her hands. The look of defeat was priceless. I could see her annoyance and I couldn't have been more delighted. Hopefully the blog will continue to grow and we can make my dream of site t-shirts a reality. I may need to consult Arthur Kade on how to grow a brand and gain followers to "The Journey." I realize my presence isn't as dynamic and my shoulders aren't as enormous, but maybe I can find half the success that he has.

I also must admit that I may be in the process of becoming a nerd.
1. I went to see Star Trek this weekend. It was really, really good.
2. I have been making fun of LOST nerds for years. Up until this morning, I had never seen a single frame of the show. But Jess and I rented Season 1 on DVD yesterday and watched the Pilot this morning. I have to admit, it's a great show. I am sure it will suck me in and I will start posting about it non-stop. I'm sure that would lead to new readers, but it's just not worth it.
3. I am really excited to see Transformers 2, G.I. Joe and even the new Harry Potter movie. (but I am still not as nerdy as Jess about Harry Potter since she is listening to the books on tape to remind her of the story in advance of the movie).
Obviously I am a little worried about where this is headed. I know I've never been the coolest guy, but if this keeps up the guys at work are going to start beating me up for my lunch money.

The Celtics are about to start the second half. Hopefully it goes better for my beloved C's in the second 24. I'm not really looking forward to LeBron destroying them in the next series, but I like how much pride they have shown. Thanks for reading and until next time, Mahalo!

Worlds Colliding (Day 74)

As Constanza once said to Jerry, it's dangerous when worlds collide. That is exactly what has happened today. Stryker is on Charm School and the dude that plays Mike from My Boys (Jamie Kaler) was on Ace's podcast. Oh my. How in the world am I not supposed to comment on that? Jessica makes me watch My Boys and I can say it is the least funny sitcom ever. I have honestly laughed 3 times over the course of the entire series. I will laugh more on my hundredth viewing of Fire Birds (which is not a comedy) than I do at the entire catalog of My Boys. That's not good. My latest theory with My Boys is that they write down 3 lines of dialogue, put it in a hat, then pick it at random to film the scene. The show has no structure and ends segments without jokes and abruptly.

Jessica wanted to watch the new season of Charm School featuring the skanks of Rock of Love Bus and Real Chance of Love. As soon as Jessica saw Stryker on Charm School she was trying to goad me into talking about him since he replaced Ace on Loveline. Well, I shouldn't really say replaced, since Styrker is a complete tool. Anyway, the show has potential. It is always good times when crazy skanks compete for money by pretending to be ladies.

I have been meaning to talk about this for awhile. I have an embarrassing issue. When I am getting my iPod out and am primed to listen to Ace's wisdom I sometimes accidentally hit the enter button the home screen. Whenever I do that, my iPod plays the first song alphabetically. Readers, here is the embarrassing part. That first song is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I know, it's horrific. I really need to find some band that comes before ABBA alphabetically. I defy anyone to think of a worse song to randomly start playing when all you want to listen to is Ace. Can't be topped.

Jessica is making me watch the 2 hour season finale of Grey's Anatomy. The only good thing about the show is that the red headed doctor and Pat Dempsey were in "Made of Honor" together and makes me think of this. And that is amazing. I want to make a list of things I would rather do than watch 2 hours of that terrible show (Is there a worse looking star of a major television show Meredith Grey?);
1. Hold every poisonous snake in the world at the same time. (I can't even watch snakes on television without freaking out).
2. Eat a combination of ranch, ketchup and mustard.
3. Hit myself with a sledgehammer until I pass out;
4. Only being able to listen to 98 Degrees music for the rest of my life;
and
5. Replicate every one of Kenyon Martin's tattoos on my own body.
I will never understand the appeal of the show. It is a whiny, unattractive chick complaining all the time. The hospital is like Bayside since it revolves around 6 people, except it doesn't even have the comedy of the random twins that are in every background shot. (By the way, is there some mechanism for finding those girls? Wouldn't it be amazing to be friends with them? I always wanted to find them and try to date one (even though they aren't attractive) just so I could say I did). The story lines are completely predictable and F'ed out. I mean, come on, how many traumas can happen in Seattle? I am still waiting for a comet to be on course for Seattle and the only thing that can save the city is Pat Dempsey's 5 o'clock shadow. That will probably be a 3 part special.

Wish me luck as I struggle through this crap. Until next time, Mahalo!